Sunday, October 9, 2011

Yet Another Three-Piece Snark

Okay we are starting on book #13 in the kids series. [stops to do a brief dance of joy] Only twenty-seven more books to go.

Okay so Judd didn't land in the water--the motorcycle did--but he's clinging to the broken side of the dam. Ellanjay try to build suspense but again since nothing bad every really happens to Judd--Ryan's the butt monkey of this series--I feel nothing for him. Just as he loses his grip someone rescues him and that's where his section ends. Current Excitement Level: comatose.

Vicki has a bad dream and decides to finally go see Ryan at the makeshift hospital. Again, you gotta feel for Ryan: he truly fits the definition of butt monkey that is someone who's dumped on by everyone.

Lionel is preparing for his new duties as a GC Morale Monitor but Conrad is curious about the Bible in his luggage. He wants to talk to Token Jew.

Turns out the guy who saved Judd is named Tim Vetter. Tim takes Judd back to his cave to meet his wife Marlene. Judd is worried that they might be GC but I'm willing to wager that they're secret Christians; why would a character named after the almighty Tim LaHaye be evil?

Vicki visits someone who was hurt but it turns out not to be Ryan. Yawn. Snore. MEGO. For an apocalypse story, this series is so dull.

Judd is questioned by Tim and decides to tell his story.

Vicki meanwhile upon being told that only the injured are allowed into the makeshift hospitals, fakes being injured so she can see Ryan.

Next chapter. Vicki goes to try to find Ryan but is arrested. I predict that nothing will come of this, just like nothing came of any of her other arrests.

Well, I need to eat a slice of humble pie because it turns out I was wrong. Tim and his family are eeevil GC supporters and plan on turning Judd over to the GC. Yes! Yes! [dances around] Maybe something will finally happen to Judd.

It turns out that Vicki isn't arrested but was just grabbed by some guy named Charlie who was driven crazy by the quake. Now in any other novel, this would end badly for Vicki, but instead of raping her or anything like that, Charlie helps her find where Ryan is.

Judd meanwhile is being guarded by Marlene and decides to try to chalk another one up on his fuselage by telling her about Jesus.

Vicki gets Ryan's letter. There's really not much to say except that it says she was like a big sister, Judd a big brother, and Lionel a good friend. Once again, I refer you back to the post entitled "Cavalcade of Assholery" so you can see what loving people they've been towards Ryan. Once again, the idea that you have to reject your previous family in order to be with your new one sounds like something from the Gospel of Jim Jones rather than Jesus.

And to make up for last week's abbreviated snark, a third chapter.

Judd escapes. I had hoped Judd would actually experience some suffering but once again, it fails to pan out.

Vicki talks with the nurse who lost her son when Zod slaughtered all the children. Thanks to Ryan, she's wondering if she should kneel before Zod.

Judd is fleeing, praying, and trying to tell Marlene about Jesus all at the same time.

Meanwhile, with the girly girls, Darrion wants to go see her mother but everyone's like "No! They'll arrest you." But for once, Darrion demonstrates that she cares about someone besides herself saying, "She'd do the same for me. Shelly and Darrion decide to go together to find Darrion's mom, but Vicki goes to see Ryan.

Now to Judd. He's back with the guy who gave him the motorcycle. The biker asks about his girlfriend and Judd makes this statement that should be jaw-dropping to anyone with a pulse.

"She was in the laundry room when the quake hit. She didn't suffer."

But she is suffering right now, suffering for all eternity, because she didn't accept Zod.

Judd wisely doesn't say the above, realizing this could hurt his quota. The biker shows how hardened a sinner he is by crying over his girlfriend's death but like Judd, doesn't make the connection that any five-year-old could make that his girlfriend's in Hell. Oh how I loathe every character in these books.


Firedrake said...

It all goes round and round... X is injured, X recovers, Y is captured, Y is freed. I don't know how you can keep the books in order (OK, I'm sure they have numbers on the covers).

What are these people doing? Not even digging a hole in the ground, it seems...

aunursa said...

It's time for someone to DIE!

Apocalypse Review said...

One marvels at the way the LB Kids continue to never be in actual danger. Oh sure, some of the peripherals, like Darrion, probably will get killed off, or Ryan-the-butt-monkey, but Judd and Vicki and Lionel will manage just fine with a side helping of one incident of faux danger per book,

Mouse said...

Actually, I peeked ahead and even Darrion gets treated better by the authors than Ryan. I won't tell you the details but if you want to know, go to wikipedia.

Ruby said...

You wrote "Marlene" and I somehow read it as "Margene," and I had a brief flash of hope that Margene Heffman had survived the Rapture and we would get to read about an interesting, sympathetic character.

No such luck. :(