RIP Power Couple of Awesomeness

Sorry, sorry if thing's are going to be erratic for a while. Again, I'm in the process of working out some stuff regarding school so it may be a while before I get back on a regular posting schedule. Besides have you really been dying to read more about the Pirates Heroes who don't do anything?

Well, fear not, fellow readers: Lionel escapes with nary a hair on his head damaged. Though it turns out that Mr. Stein's money was gone, so they can only hope that Hasina will help them out for free. If I were writting these books, I would have it turn out that Hasina and Taylor are too busy helping out the poor and wretched and sabotaging the GC in any way they can to help out our heroes, but I have a feeling that despite being a heathen infidel, Hasina realizes that rich Americans matter above all other lives and she'll airlift them out and once she does, at no small risk to herself, the YTF will continue to snigger about her behind her back. Because that's what good RTCs do: mock the cherished ideals of those who do not believe as they do.

Meanwhile at the school, Melinda is starting to show signs of having sipped the Flavor-Aid as she and Vicki discuss the prophecies. Melinda hasn't kneeled before Zod yet but it's only a matter of time. But most importantly, someone is finally realizing that all these judgments (which need I remind you, come from God) are going to affect things. Granted, it's pretty damn stupid that they are just now realizing this, even though after Wormwood poisoned the water, they should be rationing their bottled water and using it solely for drinking; or in other words, bathing and showering would become a thing of the past. But apparently the one that finally makes someone sit up and take pause is the next judgment which will darken the moon and stars and sun. Mark, the character who is finally showing some brains, realizes correctly that this means that the earth will essentially go through a deep freeze and things will get a heckuva lot colder. Melinda, acting truly dumb because only one member of the YTF is alloted brain cells at a time, says that they live in the woods and can just chop down some of the trees to keep the fires burning, but Mark shakes his head and basically says that people are going to die. While I'll admit that's a pretty huge "Duh..." statement given how many disasters have struck back to back, killing who-only-knows how many people, I'll still allow this line because finally, an acknowledgement of the massive casualities that would result from one of the disasters. Still part of me has to wonder, do the RTCs ever give any reasons why all these disasters happen back to back within the same short time period? Because I don't claim to be an expert on disasters, but I'm fairly certain that if God wanted to smite the heathens back to the stone-age, it would only take one of the so-called judgments to render life on this planet, moot. Heck, the whole Wormwood thing would be more than enough to finish us off.

[plug]Once again, you want to see well-written young adult fiction about teens facing the end of the world-type disaster, read the Last Survivors series by Susan Beth Pfeffer, not this crap. [/plug]

Back to Israel. Judd is talking on the phone with Hasina and oh, how I wish that she or Taylor were the stars of this series instead of such a weaksauce protagonist like Judd. Again, they actually do shit.

But to my surprise, Hasina doesn't immediately start kowtowing to Judd and doing whatever he asks. Probably because exciting shit that would be nice to actually witness firsthand instead of just hearing about it from Judd, is actually happening. Basically the GC are storming the place complete with all the violence and gunfire that entails and why oh why do we have to read this from Judd's perspective again? Why exactly couldn't Hasina and Taylor be the heroes of this series instead of the Tribbles? Even though Ellanjay distances us from the scene by having us learn it by having Judd overhear it through the phone, it's still a damn effective part of the novel as the GC struggle to subdue Taylor and Hasina and they confess their love for each other, before Judd hears the sound of gunshots and hears a GC Goon say that the suspects are dead. Oh and if you're wondering, Judd did try a last-minute thief-on-the-cross kind of conversion with Hasina and Taylor but both essentially said, "Save your breath."

:fans self: Wow...Hasina and Taylor are so awesome I nearly swooned especially when they both told Judd where he can stick his conversion attempt. Did I not tell you how utterly awesome they both are? I was going to find a clip from the MST3K episode where they riffed on Puma Man, the one where Crow, after watching Vadinho kick serious ass, says, "Our hero is this guy. I think it's time we've accepted that," but I couldn't find the clip. Still, given how very, very awesome they are I must honor them with a YouTube clip so you can feel what I'm feeling right now. Characters as awesome as them deserve to have a Scottish man playing "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes as a send-off. I would also see to it that they be nominated for sainthood so as to represent all of us brave souls still plodding through these books, but I don't know how to go about such things. I'll just lie down and say, "Wow..." for a little longer though.

Next chapter. Faced with the whole prospect of a massive freeze, Vicki and the rest of the YTF not important enough to go to Israel, start getting to work, chopping and gathering firewood and for a brief period, a few of them act like actual teenagers, wondering if this is all necessary, griping about work, etc. If you guessed the ones behaving like teens instead of Elsie Dinsmore clones were the ones who have yet to convert, aka Melinda and Janie, you were right! Go upstairs and collect your No-Prize.

Meanwhile in Israel, I have as much trouble believing it as you do, but Judd is actually stunned by the deaths of Hasina and Taylor. The cynical part of me just assumes that he's concerned because he lost his ride out of Israel and that's probably true, but dammit! It is nice to see him demonstrate a brief flicker of human emotion. Also, he starts to regret being so harsh towards Vicki about the school and wishes he could fix things between them. We could only wonder what Token Jew would think about Judd conceding that a weak, womanly female with female parts could be right about something.

Judd and Nada discuss her brother, Kasim. For those who can't remember, Kasim was her heathen brother who died unconverted in the Wrath of the Lamb quake. One of the things she mentioned was that Kasim, as a GC guard, had a penthouse apartment bigger than their house. Can't help but note that Nicky Amaro's strategy of giving his employees all these perks probably works better than Zod's convert-by-killing strategy. Anyway, Nada proves she's a true RTC by essentially showing no compassion for her brother saying that he'd seen Token Jew's broadcast so he had his chance to convert.

Back at the school. Janie's being a typical teenager by slacking off from work but of course, in the eyes of Ellanjay, this is only further proof of her reprobate nature.

Back to Israel. Lionel and Samuel talk about Jesus and Samuel finally stops being one of those inscrutable Jews and converts, even though he knows this will cheese off his father. I am just disappointed that it turned out that the verse Lionel slipped in his pocket wasn't Ezekiel 23:20.

And that's it for this week. Please do your best to properly eulogize Hasina and Taylor.

The Ugly Americans in Israel

Oh geez, sorry, sorry, sorry for it being so long since the last post. By now y'all are probably searching through obituaries wondering if I died in some freak gardening/vomit-choking/spontaneous combustion accident. We'll I'm afraid nothing like that. I'm afraid all that happened was a whole mess'o'shit regarding school hit the fan combined with general laziness and a tendency towards clinical depression and that explains why I'm so late with the post.

I guess you've all been wondering what's been happening in the LB:TK universe. Well the truth is nothing. Nothing ever happens in these books. Even the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything occasionally did something. Basically right now all that happens is Mr. Stein talks about stuff that would have been interesting to see first-hand but boring to read someone talking about. Y'know I wonder what my Creative Writing instructor would think if I showed her these books and told her that these were best-selling books.

I'll make it short. Our Buck and Token Jew escaped thanks in part to the help of Mr. Stein and others. Also, Chloe was separated from Our Buck and I have a feeling that nobody will be the least bit concerned about a pregnant woman trapped in the middle of a riot. Anyway, Mr. Stein is captured and is tortured by his captors and yes, he is shocked, shocked! that the evil one-world government bent on wiping out RTCs, would torture an RTC in hopes that he'd reveal something that would lead them to the leader of this renegade sect. After that, he feels pretty lousy until he hears a voice in his head singing the Doxology (how I hate that such a nice bit of poetry is associated with this drivel) and goes into such a deep sleep, his captors think he's dead. Mr. Stein wakes up in the morgue and is smuggled to a funeral home and is smuggled out of said home to a safe house. And let me just say my summary of events is a hell of a lot more interesting than the way Ellanjay tells it. :sigh: Now back to the Girly Girls.

As you probably guessed, nothing is happening. Melinda apologizes for running off and causing a lot of trouble. Apparently now she's opposed to the GC but she's still not an RTC, so yeah...they probably regard her as a damned infidel like Taylor even though Taylor is a hell of a lot more awesome than all of the Tribbles combined. All that happens after that: they discuss the email received from a GC address and write back asking to know more about the sender's intentions. Now back to the dudes.

Samuel calls and tells them that the GC are pissed and looking for Token Jew everywhere and monitoring all the airports so the YTF and the Tribbles aren't going anywhere. Mr. Stein does have money but he stashed it at the university. Then suddenly they have a lightbulb moment and decide to call Hasina aka the second half of the Power Couple of Awesomeness. I could get into a long rant about how the YTF are such assholes speaking disdainfully of Taylor and Hasina's beliefs until they get into a bind and decide to run to Taylor and Hasina for help but then again, this is kind of par the course for the Tribbles. Next chapter.

Vicki receives another email from the GC written by someone claiming to be Carl aka that guy John saved on that ship. He wants to meet the YTF and in a rare show of intelligence, the YTF considers the possibility that this might be a trap and responds cautiously. But I'm going to put on my bookie eyeshade and bet that it isn't because everyone knows bad things happen to NPCs or to bad people who deserve it, not to good RTCs like the YTF. Again, readers might give up hope if they found out that persecution involves more than just receiving a glare from an overworked cashier after you criticized him/her for not saying, "Merry Christmas," after ringing you up.

Back to Israel. Nada is gone and Jamal is pissed. Basically Nada, in the previous chapter, had decided to go and retrieve Mr. Stein's money, reasoning that she'd attract less attention than some American tourists. But Jamal is pissed about his daughter putting herself in danger and we find out why. Basically the whole family accepted that TurboJesus was the way, the truth, and the light, but there was a holdout: Nada's older brother, Kasim. He believed in Carpathia and became a GC guard. But that didn't stop Nada from going to him on duty and preaching about Zod. Naturally Nada didn't face any consequences because the GC is absolutely helpless in the face of a teenage girl and couldn't dream of doing something like imprisoning her and torturing her so she'd name names. But anyway, Kasim ended up being squished in the Wrath of the Lamb earthquake and like every good RTC, no one in his family is like, "My son/brother is in hell for all eternity. The kid who I walked to kindergarten and taught to tie his shoes is being tortured for all eternity because a building fell on him before he could convert." I know I keep reitterating this point over and over again and everyone, including me, is probably tired of it, but it needs to be said, dammit!

The Manly Men decide to go after Nada to make sure she's okay. They draw straws and Lionel gets the short one, so he goes to help Nada. Back at the school. Conrad decides to check out the fancy box he found a couple of chapters ago. The YTF wonder if it's the safe that Z was talking about. I nearly suffer a concusion when I bang my head against the computer after falling into a boredom-induced coma.

Back to Israel. Lionel puts on a long robe and turban to disquise myself. I grit my teeth as Lionel thinks about how goofy he looks and wonder if Ellanjay assumes robe+turban=Muslim or if they are aware that such attire is more fitting for a Sikh. Nothing like Ellanjay's cultural insensitivity to raise your blood pressure a few degrees. Lionel searches the campus using Mr. Stein's tips but well, the chapter ends with the alarm going off and the possibility that we might actually have something interesting happen in the next chapter. Though I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

So Incredibly Bored

Yeah sorry about last week. I don't want to go into specifics but let's just say a lot of shit hit the fan because for some reason the bad stuff that happens to me likes to pile on all at once. :sigh: That said, onward to the snark.

Our Brave Heroes aka Judd and Lionel and Jamal bravely watch TV and are shocked that the worldwide media under the control of a ruthless dictator is trying pin the murder of the GC guard on Our Buck. Not to mentheection ends with the kids being horrified upon hearing about St. Rayford's death. Of course seeing as Rayford is a freaking Highlander who will probably outlast Dr. Manhattan, it's hard to feel any concern for him.

Okay for once Jenkins steps off the narrative gas and we get some actual character development complete with fairly realistic dialogue between Mark and Melinda. Melinda, if you're wondering, is still in cuffs which Mark is still trying to break. Basically they talk about hiding from the GC, what are they going to do now, and Melinda, once again proving what a hardened reprobate she is, tells him she's sorry to hear about the loss of his aunt. Again this proves she's a horrible sinner because if she was a good and proper RTC, she'd have just shrugged it off.

Back to Judd and Lionel...apparently Ken Ritz is dead. This might have had an impact on the readers if Ken had ever been mentioned before this point or even appeared onscreen at some point. Seriously all I know about the dude is that Chloe names her currently gestating child after him.

Okay back to the school. This book changes settings so fast, I'm in serious danger of whiplash here. I know according to the great RTC hierarchy, Judd ranks the highest of the YTF (by virtue of being both the eldest member and a proud owner of a penis) but it doesn't take much to see that Vicki is demonstrating much more leadership chops than Judd can ever hope to possess. She's managing to keep the rest of the school together but no doubt, eventually she'll be punished for being a girl with girl parts especially since she has the nerve to hold a Bible study in order to keep up morale. Not only is her lesson not one of the cherrypicked verses Ellanjay uses to prop up their incredibly convoluted interpretation of scripture (it's a selection from Paul's letter to the Phillippians if you're wondering), but in holding this lesson, she's holding authority over a man and you know how RTCs feel about that. Even though Deborah aka one of the Judges clearly holds authority over a man and as I recall, she has ovaries. I imagine if I really wanted to tie RTCs in knots, I should bring up the story of Jael.

Anyway, the passage Vicki instructs them on basically says that regardless of what they endure as a result of their beliefs, they should be content. Not an entirely bad passage for the YTF to study if you ask me. They also say a prayer for Melinda, marking one of the rare times that an RTC demonstrates compassion for someone who isn't one of them.

Mark is still trying to break Melinda's cuffs when we run into yet another character who appeared in a previous book but you probably have forgotten about otherwise known as Janie. Like them, Janie is fleeing the GC. She claims to have become more religious since meeting Vicki but since Mark can't tell if she has the Super Special Awesome Secret Mark, jury's out on whether we can trust her.

Judd and Lionel are still hiding out when a beautiful girl shows up and given the amount of description she receives, she'll likely eventually be given a name and won't be just an NPC. She tells them that they have a phone call. Turns out Samuel's calling them and he tells them Mr. Stein has been released but doesn't know where he is and that's the end of that chapter.

Next chapter begins at the school and all that happens is that the YTF on night duty, Conrad, finds a fancy box and Mark, Melinda, and Janie return to the school.

Meanwhile in Israel, just as I suspected, the beautiful young girl, who is Jamal's daughter, is given a name, Nada,.Just as I guessed she is described as having an Arabic accent which adds to my suspicions that before her family became good RTCs, they were eeevil Muslims (though it is possible they were Palestinian Christians but I'm willing to bet the farm that Ellanjay are the type who use Arab and Muslim interchangeably, which is high on my list of pet peeves) . But regardless, they've seen the light thanks to Token Jew's website.

Meanwhile, at the school, turns out Janie is a follower of EBOWF and naturally believes that a God of Love wouldn't inflict all this misery on us. Vicki makes the same weaksauce argument that he's trying to get her attention to which Janie responds "I let my God guide me and he got me out of prison. "

Judd and Lionel read Token Jew's email and go to the funeral home, pick up a coffin, with Mr. Stein in it. I'll cut to the end and tell you that Mr. Stein isn't really dead.

Quick cut to the school. Vicki lays out the rules of the school. Naturally everyone has to attend a Bible study and Janie says she's not going to convert but yeah...we'll see how that plays out.

And that's it. Sorry again for the lack of snark last week.

Are you a man? Or are you an NPC?

Gotta give credit where credit is due: In the beginning, Ellanjay manage to create the slight possibility of actual suspense regarding Judd and Lionel's situation. They're being held prisoner by a GC officer and his son. Not to mention,
Samuel's dad aka Mr. Goldberg aka can anyone name a single Jewish character who doesn't have a Jewy McJew kind of name, tells them that while most of their friends manage to escape, one didn't. He refuses to say which one but obviously St. Rayford and Our Buck are safe, Our Buck because he hasn't reached the appointed time and hour in which he must die (frankly I'm surprised Jenkins was able to go through with killing his beloved self-insert) and because Rayford is the friggin' highlander by virtue of being Tim LaHaye's self-insert.

Anyway Judd, like an idiot, rushes somebody with a gun which goes off but nobody isi hurt. Lionel, Judd, and Samuel race down a secret passage and Samuel leads them to an apartment building where they are greeted by a woman wearing a veil. At first, I was briefly hopeful that we had finally gotten a character who is both of a different faith from RTCianity yet is opposed to the GC. Naturally I assumed she and her husband were Muslims (husband's name is Jamal) but obviously that can't be the case because everyone knows that followers of other faiths don't really believe in their faith, they just hate Jesus but they'll be sorry, you'll see. Anyway, naturally Jamal and his wife are RTCs like all good people in this story.

Chapter ends by going back to Mark. He discovers that said aunt he was looking for has died and been cremated. Still don't remember if said aunt was an RTC or if she's being slow-roasted in Hell, but this whole trip was probably a plot contrivance (in an Ellanjay story? Surely you jest) to get him away from the YTF so he can discover what happened to Melinda: she's handcuffed in the back of a GC squad car.

Now naturally you know Melinda will be rescued. By virtue of having a name that means she's not just an NPC who can be sacrificed like a used kleenex just to prove a point. I will give Ellanjay credit: they actually come up with a decent action scene for Melinda's rescue. I don't know how realistic it all is with the GC being helpless against a kid armed with a brick and a motorcycle but I'll allow this because I'm so desperate for something to happen. What happens is this: Mark throws a brick into a shopfront window, setting off an alarm which distracts the GC and enables him to grab Melinda and they ride off together on the motorcycle.

Back to the characters who actually matter according to Ellanjay: Judd and Lionel. Basically, Jamal, who is currently holding the Braincells around here, tentatively suggests that having the son of a GC officer, especially one who has already tried to sell them out before, is a somewhat bad idea. Strangely enough, Judd actually cooperates with this guy (who is one step above being an NPC) and they slip out, promising to make sure that Samuel doesn't rat out the people Jamal is hiding.

They talk to Samuel who tells them that Mr. Stein is in captivity and is severely beaten. Samuel still hasn't said the prayer but no doubt he will because all the damned are off-screen.

Meanwhile Melinda and Mark struggle to escape the GC dragnet. Now back to Judd and Lionel.

Surprisingly enough, it's Lionel who is walking Samuel through the scripture, not Judd. I was certain that Judd, by virtue of being both the main character and a mini-Rayford, would be given this all-important task, rather than Lionel, who plays the part of the Token Black Guy who exists to prove that the hero isn't racist by virtue of being black. Anyway fear not, readers: Lionel's speech is essentially "Jesus is God. The Bible says so, " so those of y'all dreading long lectures, fear not. But Samuel doesn't immediately go, "Oh shit! Baptize me now!" Instead he says he has to go meet his father, leaves some money for them, and runs off. But not before Lionel slips him a scrap of paper with a Bible verse on it. The smart aleck in me hopes that the verse in question is Ezekiel 23:20 but it'll probably be something along the lines of John 3:16 aka the RTCs go-to verse. Naturally the next time we see Samuel, he will have happily abandoned Jewish teachings and become a good and faithful RTC. Because he is a man and not an NPC.

Moral Ambiguity is of the Devil

Yeah, yeah, I'm late with the post. Sorry about that. But before you criticize me, just ask yourself: do you really think this snarking job is easy? Sitting in my pjs, eating junk food, guzzling Coca-Cola, and trying to think of new ways of describing just how utterly incompetent Nicky Drakensberg is? Really the only way Zod triumphs in this story is because the Father of All Lies is dumb.

Anyway in the previous chapter, Vicki and co. received an email from a GC military installation. The only reason I didn't mention it in the last snark was because I was so busy ranting and raving about how Nicky Entoto fails at basic villainy. I have a hard time believing he'd stay in power for seven minutes let alone seven years.

Anyway they bravely watch Token Jew on television talk about how a third of the stars and the moon and the sun will go dark and all that business about the mark of the beast. Once again, is it really that difficult to memorize the order of all the horrible shit that Zod's going to inflict upon the world? Not to mention with all the world's water poisoned, shouldn't everybody be pretty much dead by now? Why would we need anymore horrific disasters to finish us off?

Next day, the plot-induced stupidity temporarily releases its hold on Lionel, who wonders why Nicky Kilimanjaro is broadcasting the whole gathering. But Judd provides the answer to this question and as you probably guessed, it's pure weaksauce. He says Carpathia wants to keep track of what's being said at the meeting. Of course, I bet all my fellow snarkers can point out the flaws in this strategy. Such as apparently electronic bugs do not exist in the Left Behind universe. Also, apparently he can't have the guards he has protecting the RTCs at the Gathering report on what they see and hear. Also, seeing as Nicky Lebombo is the anti-Christ and must slavishly follow the plan as laid out by Zod, shouldn't he already know everything that the RTCs will say or do and everything that'll happen between here and when he gets punted to Hell?

Cornelius is there and he's starting to wonder if Judd's onto something. No! Run away from the RTCs! Once you join them, you'll stop being a compassionate human being and turn into an RTC automaton who only wins because the authors' are on your side.

Token Jew ends the gathering with another altar call and a repeat of that whole thing about the stars dimming because apparently an RTC's short-term memory is worse than that of the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates

Anyway, well apparently Cornelius drank the flavor-aid because he now has the Super Special Awesome Secret Mark. But they don't have long to savor their triumph because gunfire breaks out. The GC are finally doing something sensible by trying to kill Token Jew. I would point out that they could do something more discreet, something that would result in less collateral damage such as having a sniper pick him off at another location or poisoning him or making him "disappear" or something a lot smarter than spraying the stadium full of bullets, but right now I feel like throwing a parade every time the GC does basic villainy.

Meanwhile on the home front, Vicki hears noises coming from Melinda's room and goes to investigate, only to find the dog bound and gagged. Oh and Melinda's escaped as well.

Next chapter, Cornelius was shot and killed in the confusion and the GC are very eeevilly trying to pin this on the RTCs. Why this surprises our heroes I don't know. You'd think, given how much they crave martyrdom, they wouldn't be so shocked when someone decides to give it to them. But Samuel, who was in this series several books from now and hasn't been mentioned until now decides to help Judd and Lionel escape. For those, who like me, have completely forgotten who the hell Samuel is, he's the guy Judd gave the videotape that revealed how Token Jew's family really died.

Meanwhile, Vicki and co. set in search of Melinda.

Samuel if you're wondering, still doesn't have the mark and says that his dad is with the GC yet he's still willing to help them escape. At first, when I read this, I cheered, thinking we we're going to get another Taylor but I should know better. First of all, even as Taylor proves to be more awesome than all the Tribbles combined, you can hear Ellanjay tsk-tsking about how he very eeevilly insists on trying to stop a worldwide dictatorship. Second of all, the whole "willing to help even though he's not an RTC and his dad's a member of the GC" thing reaks of moral ambiguity and you know how Ellanjay feel about moral ambiguity. They subscribe to the gospel according to George W. Bush: you're either with us or against us. So while I know some of y'all may protest, I'm going to tell the end of the chapter: turns out it was a trap and Samuel turns them over to his dad. This will probably come to nothing just like all the umpteen other times the YTF were captured by the GC. For a dictatorship run by the anti-Christ, they sure seem afraid to do something as basic as, say, waterboard their prisoners.

War is Peace

Yeah, sorry to be so late with this post. It's been a weird week. Not to mention a week so infuriating that I have come dangerously close to suffering a ragerysm (rage-induced aneurysm). But anyway forward into the breach fellow snarkers.

So we cut back to Vicki and co. They've been watching the entire gathering on TV and they are shocked! Not by the GC brutally taking care of a threat by opening fire on a stadium full of people, but by Nicky Cardamom using foul language! Violence is okay, but heaven forbid the incarnation of Satan use bad language. That might have scarred a few children for life assuming there are even still children in this world.

There's a brief interlude where Vicki explains to Melinda about the whole Jesus as the sacrificial lamb bit, of course ignoring the whole question as to why Zod couldn't change a rule that he himself wrote. Thankfully though we don't have to linger long on this when we can read about the YTF watching Nicky's response to the speech.

Anyway so Nicky decides to talk about what happened and of course, the YTF snicker and make sarcastic remarks the entire time, ignoring the unpleasant fact that Nicky is considerable more sympathetic.

Nicky talks about how all the other religions have managed to live in peace except for RTCianity. Then he describes RTCianity as a sect with its roots in historical Christianity and I roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, if by historical you mean dating back to the late nineteenth or early twentieth century. If by historical you mean say first century Christianity, you wanna be the one to tell Ellanjay or should I?"

Nicky also says the usual BS about how this is a perversion of centuries of Christian thinking and talks about how God is a god of love aka that typical hippie bullshit that leads to people assuming hippie bullshit like that Jesus ever said anything about the peacemakers being blessed by God. We don't go for that crap in the good ol' US of A.

Anyway Nicky Rocky says he encouraged this public gathering of people opposed to him and even televised it because he wanted Token Jew and his followers to join him. He says he would not have forced Token Jew to join him and I suppose we're supposed to roll our eyes over Nicky's duplicity, but would Token Jew really be any different if he was in Nicky's position of power? Would he really let those who disagreed with his views of God yet were otherwise peaceful live and practice their faith in peace and not persecute them in any way? Again as said before and will be repeated many times as necessary, Ellanjay and his followers don't object to a One-World Theocracy so long as the right person with the right beliefs is running it.

Out of curiosity, who wants to tell Ellanjay that while Spain and other Christian nations were torturing and persecuting the Jews, those Islamo-Commie-Nazis that made up the Ottoman Empire allowed freedom of religion?

I say this because even Nicky Denali points out that the Gruesome Twosome have killed more people who disagreed with them than Nicky. But even though he believes that Token Jew and the Gruesome Twosome along with their followers tried to kill him, he's still going to very eeevilly grant them permission to continue their gathering, complete with cameras and the full protection of GC security though only for 48 hours.

:headwall:

This is...I don't even need to get into how incredibly stupid this is, do I? I mean even that dude who ruled Turkmenistan and named a bunch of months after himself is smarter than Nicky. Preschoolers with their arms and legs tied together and armed with their safety scissors are scarier than Nicky. Wet cardboard painted hot pink and lime green presents more of an obstacle to the RTCs than Nicky.

Newsflash to aspiring writers everywhere: you don't create suspense by making your villain so stupid your average newborn could outsmart them.

I decided to do another chapter unlike next week in which I only did one. So the gang in Israel end up in the seamy side of town which contains such evils as bars, fortune-telling shops, tattoo parlors, and strip clubs all of which makes me go :yawn: :snore: Let me know when they mention something that isn't found in your average everyday reasonably sized city. It's like those recordings which claim to be of people in hell but really sound no worse than what you'd hear in a busy bar on a Friday night. Anyway they go to see the Gruesome Twosome rant like mental patients and said prophets torch some GC soldiers.

Not much to say except that we have yet another reiteration on how if you do one bad thing Zod hates you unless you kowtow and promise never to make him so mad again. So yeah, I know you've probably guessed it by now but according to God's prophets, Gandhi is in Hell and will be there for all eternity for the crime of being a Hindu and creating one of the largest democracies on earth without firing a single shot, whereas Fred Phelps will get a one-way ticket to Heaven when he dies because he after all, has said the words which makes him a Christian.

The chapter ends with Judd talking to a GC guard, who is a lot more shaken by all the shit that's gone down despite no doubt being an eeevil heathen. Judd tries the typical God-loves-you and all this horrific suffering is him trying to get your attention spiel, but the GC points out that those comrades of his who confronted the prophets wouldn't be dead if it weren't for Zod. I'm going to name this dude Cornelius (why? Read the chapter of Acts after Peter receives the okay to eat shellfish) and add him to my list of favorite characters along with the Power Couple of Awesomenesss that is Hasina and Taylor.

Why Zygotes Are More Evil than Nicky Mountain Range

Couldn't help but be disappointed with last week's comments turnout. Sorry if I come across as an unpleasant whiner but I thought that post would garner a little more attention. Ah well, I guess "Ellanjay hates the poor" isn't as original message as I thought. That bit of whining out of the way, let's see what joys await us this week.

Nicky proves just how eeeevil and what a harden reprobate he is by daring to :gasp: give a speech at the Gathering about peace and love even going so far as to cite the words of some Islamo-Commie-Nazi who said some typical Islamo-Commie-Nazi bullshit about "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God," when in reality it is the Captains of Industry who are blessed for they are the creators of jobs.

But we have little time to linger on the crowd's response to said speech, not when there's awesomenesss afoot. Judd meets up with Taylor "I'm too awesome for this story" Graham l. Taylor is planning to shoot down the helicopter Nicky rides in and naturally Judd is opposed. He justifies his newfound belief in the sanctity of human life by thinking that if the copter went down, the Two Witnesses would be blamed for it and killed, but though I don't claim to be an expert on Ellanjay's ridiculously convoluted interpretation of the Bible, don't the Gruesome Twosome eventually get martyred for their faith? So in short I fail to see the threat.

But I think the real objection Judd has to Taylor's plan is that St. Rayford may be piloting the helicopter. :cue dramatic prairie dog: Not Rayford! Everyone knows that kids everywhere bow to his innate superiority even though he's barely had enough screen time to qualify as a main character and the readers of this series can be forgiven for having forgotten he even exists.

But anyway Judd decides that he can't let Taylor shoot down the helicopter. Now to Lionel...

He's still in the stadium listening to Nicky Ahaggar very eeeevilly brag about how he's rebuilt infrastructure thus saving lives instead of letting everyone die as God intended. Okay he doesn't actually say that last part but it would be such a stroke of genius if he did, if someone pointed out that currently Zod is in the lead in terms of death count. I wish I could give exact numbers but so far Nicky, in order to consolidate his eeeevil rise to power, has killed two cronies plus a few bit players and a few that can be attributed to overenthusiastic soldiers rather than him. Zod, well, Fred estimated that there were an estimated 3 billion children dead at his hands and that's of course not including the pre-born which is a category so loosely defined that even fertilized eggs count (though they probably can't be defined as zygotes at this
point) plus taking into account those deemed "Christian" enough to be raptured and those killed in the massive worldwide quake, along with the flaming hailstorm, the ROD, and the whole poisoning the world's water supply, well, it's clear that Zod makes Nicky Cederberg (whose supposed to be worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot combined) look like a rank amateur in comparison.

Okay, deep breath otherwise we'll never get through this.

So Nicky is all sweetness and light until someone gives him a bottle of water which turns to blood when he drinks it. Now if I was in that audience I would roll my eyes and go :yawn: Ozzy was doing that before Nicky's gay daddies.where achieving at a Level Five Blasphemy Level. But because all RTCs are basically variations on June and Ward Cleaver, everyone is shocked. Nicky then further spoils any villain cred he might still have by getting all petulant and pissy stomping around talking to the Two Witnesses about how he should have them killed, but since he hasn't gone so far as to make the worldwide media under his control stop broadcasting their message...well at this point, I think a shorter list would be of villains who were less effective than Nicky. There are freaking Zygotes out there who probably have done more evil than Nicky and they don't have worldwide control of the media, a gestapo, or the massive infrastructure that manages to survive several Acts of Zod back to back. They also don't have functioning brains either.

Anyway Judd rats Taylor out to the GC securit and oh, how my hatred for him continually grows. But the GC responds by finally doing some on-screen evil though only NPCs will die and their deaths will not be lingered on nor mentioned after this chapter and of course, you have to question the effectiveness of open-firing on a stadium full of people in terms of, y'know, PR, but finally some actual evil from the embodiment of the Prince of Darkness.

And if you're wondering, this provokes no form of reflection from Judd even though the eeevil GC was letting their enemies hold a public gathering denouncing their leader and probably wouldn't have attacked if Judd hadn't tipped off the authorities about Taylor. Our Hero, folks, already responsible for more deaths than the anti-Christ and he's only eighteen.