Sunday, January 29, 2012

It's my post and I'll be wordy if I Want To

The kids are now at the GC headquarters in Des Plaines. For the sake of injecting a shot of realism into this story, I'm going to assume that this headquarters is one of many scattered all over the world and that the YTF are just being egotistic when they act like this is Nicky Appalachians's Tuol Sleng where all the most dangerous threats to the GC go, even though the only reason they would probably go to the trouble of keeping their dog locked up instead of just shooting it is that this is a trap set up to try to lure in our brave heroes.

Anyway so Vicki's group is working on getting Phoenix out. Meanwhile Judd and Lionel run into Taylor, which makes me excited because right now, Taylor is currently the only one willing to do something besides lie back and think of Zod. Taylor has his face painted black and is armed with a hunting knife. Taylor also states that he's willing to kill if he has to which makes Judd blanch for some reason and tell Lionel to alert the GC guards if he thinks Taylor's going to kill someone. Again Judd's sudden "all life is precious" view really puzzles me. Because up until now, there really hasn't been any sign that the GC footsoldiers served any purpose except to be Nicky's army of the damned and serve as an obstacle that will be swept away when TurboJesus comes. No one in the YTF or the TF have been shown wondering if "Hey, maybe Nicky essentially said, 'Join or die," or even if maybe Nicky's army of the damned (henceforth referred to as AOD) is made up of hapless folks who joined because in all likelihood Nicky has a system set up so that loyal GC soldiers get rations and said hapless folk enlisted so they or their families won't starve. Again I thought it was well established that the YTF/TF believe that their opponents are disingenuous, choosing to stick their fingers in their ears and ignore all the evidence that TurboJesus is real and he'll come back and you'll be sorry you ever messed with him.

It could be possible that Judd believes Taylor's actions are wrong because Judd feels that Taylor should at least give the GC some variation on what the Spanish conquistadores called the Requirement. For those who didn't do so well in history class, the Requirement was essentially a decree read by the Spaniards to the Indians that went "Our God is the true god who has given us the authority over you and your land to take whatever we like. If you resist, we will enslave and kill you." Once the Spaniards had read the decree, they could do whatever they liked and still remain holy in God's eyes because they had given those heathens a chance to surrender peacefully. Of course the flaw in all this is that the Requirement was read in Spanish which the natives didn't understand so you see they simply had no choice but to exterminate those brutes.

Anyway I wonder what the RTC requirement would be like. Probably a variation on the sermon John preached to the crew before the ROD hit.

But the simplest and probably the best explanation for why Judd suddenly believes in the sanctity of life is probably the same reason Jesus's disciples got all upset when they saw other people casting out demons and healing people in the name of other gods. Sure Taylor is opposed to the GC and is willing to do whatever it takes to stop them, but he's not doing it in the name of Zod so it is evil and wrong. Of course, it could be Judd is just doing that alpha male posturing and his real beef with Taylor is that he's aware that Taylor is currently in the lead when it comes to cool points and Judd's fragile ego can'st stand being upstaged by anyone.

Sorry to get so damn wordy but hey [points to post title]

Judd then watches as Pete tries to convert his interrogator and of course, everything about the setup of this interrogation is wrong. Even if your only experience in being an evil interrogator for a heartless worldwide despot comes from a stint at Walmart where you interviewed prospective employees, you know what to do. First of all, no windows. Best way to disorient someone is to screw with their perception of time; in other words, deprive them of sleep and make them question how much time has passed since they got there. Has it been days? Hours? Weeks? The harder you make it for the person to answer that question, the easier it will be to get them to spill secrets. Also even though they believe Pete is a murderer, they don't have him in any form of restraints. Basic rule in dealing with potentially dangerous suspects: either put restraints on them or surround them with guys with guns so they won't try anything. The interrogator is acting like he's a high school principal dealing with someone caught smoking in the boy's room, not a trained interrogator for a megalomaniacal despot.

Of course since the word of Zod is so amazing I have a feeling the interrogator will become a good and faithful RTC and help our heroes out.

Anyway after Judd watches Pete's interrogation, he turns only to see that Lionel is tied up and gagged. Turns out Taylor overheard Judd's plan and is now making his way to the second floor. All this of course, only makes me love Taylor even more, even as I know things won't work out for him.

Vicki runs into Charlie, who doesn't recognize her. He believes she's dead and finally tells us why they're keeping the dog. Apparently they want to use him to track down Melinda and Felicia, aka the two girls who served in Lionel's squad during that brief period that Lionel had laser-guided amnesia whose names I hadn't mentioned because up till now they seemed like glorified walk-ons. Anyway Vicki, Darrion, and Conrad put two and two together and realize that everyone connected to them, is turning up dead, so chances are Melinda and Felicia will be hunted down and killed if they don't stop them.

Chapter ends with Judd yanking the fire alarm and escaping in the confusion. He meets with Lionel outside who tells him that Pete promised to deal with Taylor. Sorry to only snark only one chapter but I've probably bored you all to tears.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Vicki briefly shows some spine

Nothing happens in the first chapter: just a lot of talking. Mark and Mr. Stein get money and Z tells them about an abandoned boarding school which Vicki decides the YTF could use in order to train more YTF members. That is seriously all that happens. :sigh: I swear I've read phone books that were more gripping.

So the YTF have a little tiff about whether they should go to the school or to the Stahley cabin in Wisconsin. Vicki is in favor of the school because she had a dream about the place and believe Zod wants her there, but Judd doesn't like the idea. Vicki says he only objects because it's not his idea and I sit back and enjoy this moment of them briefly acting like teenagers, but Conrad interrupts it all. Y'see he's worried that he might lose his salvation because he is :gasp: struck by doubts and questions instead of being the perfect little Elsie Dinsmore RTC, but Judd reassures him by reading some verses that basically says that once your name is in God's book of life, you're saved forever. This of course, raises so many questions such as "if once saved, always saved, then why do they still have to read Token Jew's epistles?" But of course, it never occurs to our brave protagonists to ask these questions because it never occurs to Ellanjay to ask them.

Judd decides he wants to talk with Vicki alone. Those of you hoping for a little bow-chicka-wow-wow, well I hate to disappoint you but they remain irritating RTCs. Y'see Vicki thinks that kids need to hear the truth from a flesh-and-blood person but Judd is all "they can get what they need from Token Jew's website." Vicki suggests that the group split up which causes Judd to accuse her of driving a wedge in the group and Vicki briefly demonstrates a spine. Enjoy this fleeting glimpse before the writers squelch her spirit.

"And you're the only one who can have an idea? You want women to remain silent and be good little girls. If God gives me an idea, I'm not gonna keep quiet."

Oh Vicki, how I do love these moments when you manage to break through the straitjacket imposed by the writers. Too bad you can't make the logical leap that if Zod speaks to you then you don't need a hierarchy of men to interpret his will for you, but something tells me that you will be swiftly punished for your insolence.

Judd tries to smooth things over by saying he values her input, which Vicki responds by saying "only if I do what you say" which is true because since Judd is the oldest male in the YTF, according to the great RTC hierarchy, his opinion matters more. Anyway the conversation ends with Vicki going off in search of Charlie and their dog Phoenix.

The other members of the YTF go with her to GC headquarters where Charlie is being held. Judd, Shelly, Lionel, and Mr. Stein are also going to GC headquarters. Something tells me GC headquarters will be easier to get into then Arizona State. Also shouldn't the GC HQ be located in New Babylon because that's where Nicky's regime is located? In other words, I don't think the YTF should be able to travel there by motorcycle and on foot.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

It's Official: Our Hero is Taylor. I think it's time we accepted that

So the ROD has hit, killing millions of people around the world and displacing and injuring Zod-Only-Knows how many others but fear not: our brave heroes still have the all-important Internet connection so they can still hear the almighty words of the great Token Jew because Heaven forbid we let the heroes actually suffer. Bad things only happen to Hattie the Great Butt Monkey of Babylon and the nameless heathen damned off-screen, that's why the best-seller was titled "When Bad Things Happen to Bad People Who Deserve It." Readers looking for the cheap vicarious thrill that comes with martyrdom stories don't want to hear about the pain and suffering involved.

Sorry to go on and on about the same point, but it's my blog and I'll preach if I want to.

Also fear not. Token Jew and Mr. Stein are in no way concerned about trifling matters such as where their food and water are going to come from; like all good RTCs, they care only about their own salvation and their upcoming trip to Israel which will in no shape or form be hindered by petty concerns like a massive ROD wiping out a third of the ships and just about everything else with it.

Oh and Pete is being accused of killing two biker dudes (it was self-defended if you're wondering) and the YTF meet up with the Disguise guy if you're wondering. Sorry if I make it appear like more happened than it really did; it touched a nerve for some reason.

Next chapter, Taylor is currently in the lead when it comes to being the most awesome character. Why? Because he actually wants to do stuff to stop the GC rather than the TF's all-important sit-on-your-ass-and-wait-for-TurboJesus strategy. Granted he's only doing this because he wants revenge, an understandable motive, but Judd is all "You don't need revenge" but then Taylor gives an awesome response.

Taylor rolled his eyes. "I know, I need God. Well he's never done anything for me. If you guys want to play your Bible games and try to figure out what's happening next, fine."

Oh Taylor if only a horrible fate wasn't lying in wait for you. You could also point out that God caused all this so why the Hell are you serving him but I'll take what I can get.

Darrion too, tries to get him to bite the hook but once again, Taylor continues to be awesome, even resisting when his brother tries to convert him

"I saved my own neck," Taylor snapped. "I don't believe you people. If you want something done, you do it yourself. You don't sit around and wait for some god to do it for you."

The YTF just got served and it tastes like victory.

Again that's the TF and YTF strategy in a nutshell: sit on your ass and think of Zod. Oddly enough, when you try to apply that strategy in real-life the response is "Get a job, you worthless freeloader." Of course, if you're female and you have kids and you do work, you're one of those evil single mothers who's bringing down society so you can"t win either way.

The YTF finally meet up with Zeke Jr. who calls himself Z. He gives them makeovers and IDs collected from the dead, which is about the only smart thing anyone's done so far. In the process, the YTF find out that Lionel's commanding officer is dead along with the girl who accused Vicki of murder. Of course like good RTCs they just chuckle good-naturedly even though they're burning in Hell and will burn for all eternity.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Take Comfort: John Dies at the End

Sorry there was no new snark last week: I was on residency. I should have left a message but I doubt that anyone was biting their nails in anticipation of my snark anyway.

As you would recall from the previous snark, there's a ridiculously huge Rock of Death (ROD) the size of the Appalachians that's about to hit earth and of course, our brave heroes, the YTF are bravely watching the news who keep insisting that this massive rock will burn up in the atmosphere. Apparently the (ROD) will land in the Atlantic Ocean though some suggest if it splits apart in the atmosphere, pieces will land in the midwest. They talk about how the ROD will cause tidal waves, tornados, and strong winds. Oh man, what I wouldn't give to have Bad Astronomer take apart all this bullshit for me. You know it's BS when even an amateur astonomer like me can tell you it's BS.

Okay, I didn't read that carefully: John is actually aboard a boat but now they're drawing straws to see who gets a seat aboard the sub or in other words, who will live and who will die. This might be suspenseful if we didn't know that even if John gives up his seat (he does) he'll still get that martyrdom all good RTCs crave so the horrors of his death won't be lingered upon.

John takes over the intercom and starts preaching the gospel according to Ellanjay. I won't snark it but it's basically "Zod beats you but you deserve it and if you kneel before him before he kills you, you'll end up in paradise, but if you refuse to submit, his hands are tied and you'll be sent to Hell to suffer for all eternity along with the rest of your heathen loved ones, but that's okay because Zod is bigger than you and always will be."

Some of the men aboard the boat pray but John winds up in the brig thus racking up more of those sweet martyr points that RTCs crave, but a fellow RTC frees him and lets him out so he can deliver a message to the YTF.

Okay so there's five minutes until impact and the people aboard the boat are panicking except for a guy named Jim Pelton. [Warning! Massive Amount of Profanity Ahead!] He talks about a minister he should have listened to, who had the fucking gall to use the tragedy of the Titanic in order to chalk up more Saveds on his fuselage. Because nothing conveys the love of Jesus like using a horrific tragedy in which thousands died, most of them poor immigrants, to save people. It's one of these moments where I become a volcano of rage who can't stop trying to invent newer and better swears to use against these assholes because even the strongest ones seem weak when faced with such an overwhelming amount of bullshit.

Oh as if using the Titanic as a hypothetical bus wasn't bad enough, the "good" minister said that there were two types of people aboard the boat: those who were saved and those who were lost at sea.

I would say something but right now I'm experiencing one of Dr. Cox's White Hot Flashes of Fury so anything that comes out will likely be the kind of incoherent barrage of profanity and incoherence that would cause even a crazy hobo to be like, "Dude, tone it down a notch."

Anyway, the ROD hits, John dies, the YTF bravely watch TV, Nicky Tangra has the gall to sympathize with those who've lost everything, and Moishe and Eli (or as I like to call them, the Gruesome Twosome) rant like crazy hobos yet for some reason, we're supposed to marvel at the sagacity of their words. [deep breath]

I'm starting to think I need to make a top ten list of the most Assholish behaviour seen or mentioned in Left Behind: the kids and put up a poll so y'all can vote on what deserves to be number one. It's been a while since I've done polls and I'm feeling the itch to do another one. Whaddya think is using the Titanic to save souls for TurboJesus worse than the Cavalcade of Assholery or not? Or do you think the Cavalcade sets the gold standard for Assholish behaviour in the kids version and will never be topped?