Sunday, January 8, 2012

Take Comfort: John Dies at the End

Sorry there was no new snark last week: I was on residency. I should have left a message but I doubt that anyone was biting their nails in anticipation of my snark anyway.

As you would recall from the previous snark, there's a ridiculously huge Rock of Death (ROD) the size of the Appalachians that's about to hit earth and of course, our brave heroes, the YTF are bravely watching the news who keep insisting that this massive rock will burn up in the atmosphere. Apparently the (ROD) will land in the Atlantic Ocean though some suggest if it splits apart in the atmosphere, pieces will land in the midwest. They talk about how the ROD will cause tidal waves, tornados, and strong winds. Oh man, what I wouldn't give to have Bad Astronomer take apart all this bullshit for me. You know it's BS when even an amateur astonomer like me can tell you it's BS.

Okay, I didn't read that carefully: John is actually aboard a boat but now they're drawing straws to see who gets a seat aboard the sub or in other words, who will live and who will die. This might be suspenseful if we didn't know that even if John gives up his seat (he does) he'll still get that martyrdom all good RTCs crave so the horrors of his death won't be lingered upon.

John takes over the intercom and starts preaching the gospel according to Ellanjay. I won't snark it but it's basically "Zod beats you but you deserve it and if you kneel before him before he kills you, you'll end up in paradise, but if you refuse to submit, his hands are tied and you'll be sent to Hell to suffer for all eternity along with the rest of your heathen loved ones, but that's okay because Zod is bigger than you and always will be."

Some of the men aboard the boat pray but John winds up in the brig thus racking up more of those sweet martyr points that RTCs crave, but a fellow RTC frees him and lets him out so he can deliver a message to the YTF.

Okay so there's five minutes until impact and the people aboard the boat are panicking except for a guy named Jim Pelton. [Warning! Massive Amount of Profanity Ahead!] He talks about a minister he should have listened to, who had the fucking gall to use the tragedy of the Titanic in order to chalk up more Saveds on his fuselage. Because nothing conveys the love of Jesus like using a horrific tragedy in which thousands died, most of them poor immigrants, to save people. It's one of these moments where I become a volcano of rage who can't stop trying to invent newer and better swears to use against these assholes because even the strongest ones seem weak when faced with such an overwhelming amount of bullshit.

Oh as if using the Titanic as a hypothetical bus wasn't bad enough, the "good" minister said that there were two types of people aboard the boat: those who were saved and those who were lost at sea.

I would say something but right now I'm experiencing one of Dr. Cox's White Hot Flashes of Fury so anything that comes out will likely be the kind of incoherent barrage of profanity and incoherence that would cause even a crazy hobo to be like, "Dude, tone it down a notch."

Anyway, the ROD hits, John dies, the YTF bravely watch TV, Nicky Tangra has the gall to sympathize with those who've lost everything, and Moishe and Eli (or as I like to call them, the Gruesome Twosome) rant like crazy hobos yet for some reason, we're supposed to marvel at the sagacity of their words. [deep breath]

I'm starting to think I need to make a top ten list of the most Assholish behaviour seen or mentioned in Left Behind: the kids and put up a poll so y'all can vote on what deserves to be number one. It's been a while since I've done polls and I'm feeling the itch to do another one. Whaddya think is using the Titanic to save souls for TurboJesus worse than the Cavalcade of Assholery or not? Or do you think the Cavalcade sets the gold standard for Assholish behaviour in the kids version and will never be topped?

6 comments:

Firedrake said...

I'm not the Bad Astronomer but I do talk maths and physics. Some quick pokes around suggest that the total mass of Earth's atmosphere is around 5e18kg. Specific thermal capacity of nitrogen (good enough as a proxy for the atmospheric gas mix) is about 1.04 J/(g.K). Raising the atmosphere's temperature by 200K therefore takes around 1e24 J. So, if less than 1% of that impactor's energy ends up providing heat to the atmosphere, bye-bye life.

TL;DR: "Yay, it'll burn up in the atmosphere" should delete the word "in". And the word "yay".

In fact, we're talking about just about the right amount of energy to boil all the world's oceans. I mention this mostly because of the implication in your post that Our Heroes think that being aboard a submarine will help them stay alive. You know the way you can't tell the direction of sound underwater, because it travels so much faster than in air? Concussion waves underwater work the same way. That's why a near-miss with a torpedo can kill all the crew of a submarine.

No, it's not going to cause "tidal waves". It's going to cause THE tidal wave.

Apocalypse Review said...

Jesus. That ROD is such total overkill. I mean, it's like overkill cubed or something.

And this?

John takes over the intercom and starts preaching the gospel according to Ellanjay. I won't snark it but it's basically "Zod beats you but you deserve it and if you kneel before him before he kills you, you'll end up in paradise, but if you refuse to submit, his hands are tied and you'll be sent to Hell to suffer for all eternity along with the rest of your heathen loved ones, but that's okay because Zod is bigger than you and always will be."

JESUSALMIGHTYFUCK THAT IS THE GROSSEST ANALOGY EVER.

I know it's a paraphrase, but I still just am recoiling in horror at the idea that a supposedly merciful God operates in the exact same manner as an abusive parent or spouse.

I just... wow. (O_O)

Fred Clark once wrote that the L&J master books were written as an intended "fuck you, we're right!" to his Christian audience.

If that's true, then these books are perfectly calculated to appeal to Christian teenagers who want to be validated in their sense of persecution at school, and who need some kind of feeling of self-righteousness.

Kind of reminds me of those silly-assed movies Ruby snarked over on Heathen Critique.

Rubyfruit said...

I dunno. The Cavalcade of Assholery will never be topped, but using a tragedy as an excuse for an altar call is pretty high up there for me.

But that's just me. Then again, this is the series where the Antichrist is the most decent character.

aunursa said...

I doubt that anyone was biting their nails in anticipation of my snark anyway.

C'mon Mouse. It was the lowpoint of my week. ;)

The Rock of Death appears in order to give the undecided one more chance to repent of their sins and accept Jesus.

Of course the Left Behind God could have gathered the attention of the world's survivors and achieved a better effect (more new RTCs) via a non-lethal method ... but prophecy is prophecy.

hidden_urchin said...

Huh, I guess someone was reading that Chick tract on TITANIC. But, yeah, using the deaths of real people to advance your religious agenda is pretty darn ghoulish.

Also, this chapter would make a great SyFy Original Movie. Flat characters, bad science, Falling Object O' Doom, no doubt the dialogue is also wooden...it's perfect.

Mink said...

An altar call using the Titanic. That's the most obscene, obnoxious, classless thing I've read all week. And this is a week where Rick S-nt-r-m has opened his mouth. DX