Sorry there was no new snark last week: I was on residency. I should have left a message but I doubt that anyone was biting their nails in anticipation of my snark anyway.
As you would recall from the previous snark, there's a ridiculously huge Rock of Death (ROD) the size of the Appalachians that's about to hit earth and of course, our brave heroes, the YTF are bravely watching the news who keep insisting that this massive rock will burn up in the atmosphere. Apparently the (ROD) will land in the Atlantic Ocean though some suggest if it splits apart in the atmosphere, pieces will land in the midwest. They talk about how the ROD will cause tidal waves, tornados, and strong winds. Oh man, what I wouldn't give to have Bad Astronomer take apart all this bullshit for me. You know it's BS when even an amateur astonomer like me can tell you it's BS.
Okay, I didn't read that carefully: John is actually aboard a boat but now they're drawing straws to see who gets a seat aboard the sub or in other words, who will live and who will die. This might be suspenseful if we didn't know that even if John gives up his seat (he does) he'll still get that martyrdom all good RTCs crave so the horrors of his death won't be lingered upon.
John takes over the intercom and starts preaching the gospel according to Ellanjay. I won't snark it but it's basically "Zod beats you but you deserve it and if you kneel before him before he kills you, you'll end up in paradise, but if you refuse to submit, his hands are tied and you'll be sent to Hell to suffer for all eternity along with the rest of your heathen loved ones, but that's okay because Zod is bigger than you and always will be."
Some of the men aboard the boat pray but John winds up in the brig thus racking up more of those sweet martyr points that RTCs crave, but a fellow RTC frees him and lets him out so he can deliver a message to the YTF.
Okay so there's five minutes until impact and the people aboard the boat are panicking except for a guy named Jim Pelton. [Warning! Massive Amount of Profanity Ahead!] He talks about a minister he should have listened to, who had the fucking gall to use the tragedy of the Titanic in order to chalk up more Saveds on his fuselage. Because nothing conveys the love of Jesus like using a horrific tragedy in which thousands died, most of them poor immigrants, to save people. It's one of these moments where I become a volcano of rage who can't stop trying to invent newer and better swears to use against these assholes because even the strongest ones seem weak when faced with such an overwhelming amount of bullshit.
Oh as if using the Titanic as a hypothetical bus wasn't bad enough, the "good" minister said that there were two types of people aboard the boat: those who were saved and those who were lost at sea.
I would say something but right now I'm experiencing one of Dr. Cox's White Hot Flashes of Fury so anything that comes out will likely be the kind of incoherent barrage of profanity and incoherence that would cause even a crazy hobo to be like, "Dude, tone it down a notch."
Anyway, the ROD hits, John dies, the YTF bravely watch TV, Nicky Tangra has the gall to sympathize with those who've lost everything, and Moishe and Eli (or as I like to call them, the Gruesome Twosome) rant like crazy hobos yet for some reason, we're supposed to marvel at the sagacity of their words. [deep breath]
I'm starting to think I need to make a top ten list of the most Assholish behaviour seen or mentioned in Left Behind: the kids and put up a poll so y'all can vote on what deserves to be number one. It's been a while since I've done polls and I'm feeling the itch to do another one. Whaddya think is using the Titanic to save souls for TurboJesus worse than the Cavalcade of Assholery or not? Or do you think the Cavalcade sets the gold standard for Assholish behaviour in the kids version and will never be topped?