Sunday, December 25, 2011

My Gift to You: a Three-Piece Snark

Well the YTF are out of danger and safely at a gas station. But all is not well. Y'see Taylor wants revenge against the GC; that unsaved heathen has the gall to want to actually :gasp: do something to thwart the GC as opposed to the YTF's strategy which is pretty much sit on your ass and twiddle your thumbs until TurboJesus comes. This of course makes him currently the only awesome character in this book. Basically Taylor's response to the YTF criticizing him for shooting missles at the GC is essentially my own: "Hey I saved your sorry asses so what are you complaining about." Though given that the GC is made up of eeevil hardened reprobates who refuse to kneel before Zod, why would they object to him killing them. It's almost as though they :gasp: care about the soldiers because they are humans and human life is valuable rather than their big saved or unsaved status.

The YTF watch the news and snicker as the newscaster does the standard "Freakish event happened/Zod not involved" story we've come to accept from the Ellanjay universe. Then Judd talks to John who has been forcibly drafted into working aboard one of the GC submarines which makes sense because again, they're evil despots.

They then read Token Jew's message which I won't snark because it's basically repeating what's already been said. Is it that difficult to remember the precise order of all the shit that's going to happen to you in the Tribulation that you need it repeated again and again?

Next chapter is told from John's perspective aboard the sub as it blows up an unidentified vessel. It's a fairly well-written scene but I can't vouch for the accuracy; I don't know anything about procedures related to subs. I have a sneaking suspicion that Ellanjay cribbed from a Tom Clancy novel.

So the YTF are meeting and for once, they're actually acting like teenagers fighting with each other over stupid things because they're stressed as hell over what's going on. But then evil bikers show up.

Back to John on the sub. Apparently they've just received word that a huge-ass meteor is headed to earth.

Okay so the gangsters are thronging the station and Pete goes out to confront them. The gas station owner tells them of a guy in Des Plaines who can help hide them. Vicki dyes her hair black and Judd gets a bad haircut.

Then they turn on the news and hear information about the incoming meteor which is a comet according to the news. Apparently it's the size of the Appalachian Mountains but the astronomers only just now spotted it and they predict it will burn up in the atmosphere. Y'know if I ever make a reality show out of these snarks, I'm going to see if I can get Phil Blatt aka Bad Astronomy guy to appear on my show and beat Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins with an astronomy textbook and a physics textbook. Me, if I had to pick a weapon, I'd do a college composition textbook.

The meteor/comet is going to hit at nine according to our brave heroes which currently means they have two hours left. I never thought I'd say this but this book is making the science in the movie Armageddon seem plausible.

Anyway, that's the snark and now I'll do my part in the continuing War on Christmas by saying, "Happy Holidays!"

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Zod: the Sadistic Sims Player

Sorry sorry again for the late post. I went into hibernation on Sunday. As to why I didn't post Monday, the only excuse is general laziness. Besides given how little is currently going on in these books were you really quivering with anticipation for my snark?

Well turns out rumours of Taylor Graham's death were completely exaggeratted. Turns out Hank'n'Judy, aka the uncaring sociopaths who cheerfully serve Zod even though Zod cheerfully murdered their son in the Wrath of the Lamb quake,saved him. They tried to convert him but given that there's no Super Special Awesome Secret Mark on his forehead, it apparently didn't take. Hank'n'Judy are dead though, murdered at the hands of the Nicky's Gestapo.

Lionel ties to convert Taylor but Taylor has the audacity to be concerned about the safety of his brother, Conrad, in the arms of the GC. So together he and the YTF start trying to plan how to get him out.

Anyway it's not looking good for the YTF. The GC are planning to rig up the rendezvous with snipers and make an example out of them, which is the first smart thing they've done so far. But the YTF are mustering forces of their own. Apparently Pete converted his fellow bikers to Anti-Anti-Christianity so they have them as support now. Again, this would all be suspenseful if: a) I gave a shit or b)I didn't know this series was forty books in length thus preventing a "rocks fall, everyone dies" kind of ending.

Next chapter, Conrad slips Mr. Stein the key to his cuffs and tells him to unlock them but keep them on as they head to meet up with the YTF.

Okay so the big rendezvous is going down. The GC wants them to turn themselves in but Judd's like "I'm not coming unless you send out Darrion and Mr. Stein." Meanwhile the snipers are in position and have itchy trigger fingers. But Conrad, who's currently carrying the YTF's collective braincells, ambushes the GC commander, without getting picked off by his fellow Morale Monitors or by snipers or the commander himself, and points a gun at him, causing the snipers to back down. But then, Taylor, currently being the resident badass, shows up in a helicopter and starts firing frigging missles at the GC. Not a bad idea, but y'know missles have the annoying habit of exploding and creating shrapnel that can injure the innocent comrades you're trying to save.

Anyway, the YTF get in the copter just in time for Zod to try to kill us all with flaming hailstones that turn into blood when they hit the earth. From the perspective of Judd, he remarks that it's like a video game, which says more than the writers intended. For from their perspective, God or Zod is basically a Sadistic Sims Player. Like said Sadistic Sims Player (SSP), Zod is all-powerful and can make your life hell for shits and giggles and no matter how Ellanjay try to rationalize it, that's basically his MO in the series.

Anyway, for once this is a two-chapter snark. I once again apologize for the lateness of this post and hope y'all enjoy it.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

So the YTF are all "Snakes...why did it have to be snakes?" but eventually they go back into the cave and fall asleep.

Lionel reads Token Jew's latest email in which we find out two things: Chloe's knocked up and Token Jew is planning to go to Israel. Nothing in there about helping those displaced by the earthquake or even :gasp: gathering food and water for when the seas turn to blood.

Lionel also talks with Judd's friend Pavel who mentions that Carpathia's been reading Token Jew's website and is pissed about it. Not pissed enough to geolocate the hell out of it and make Token Jew "disappear." Again, for a world-wide dictator, Nicky sure is lame. Nicky's also mad at the head of the EBOWF because the Super-Pope (that's what I'm calling the head of the EBOWF) thinks he's bigger than him. Nicky also has missles pointed at space because he fears meteors from God. So after an indeterminate number of years, Ronald Reagan's Star Wars defense system finally comes to pass.

Okay Lionel finally got the supplies but most importantly, he charged up the all-important laptop so that the YTF won't miss out on Token Jew's words of wisdom. Again, for descendants of a religion based around the idea that man can interpret the bible for themselves and don't need a pope, Ellanjay sure seem to be into the same love of hierarchy of Catholicism.

Anyway Lionel makes it back and Mr. Stein and Judd talk about the whole 144,000 witnesses. Apparently they're the only ones protected during the tribulation; everyone else, even if they have the Super Special Awesome Mark of God, is screwed.

Next chapter, Mr. Stein and Darrion are still captured and the YTF are still in the cave trying to work out how to get to them. Also we find out that St. Rayford and Our Buck have kidnapped Hattie Durham. Anyway Judd makes a deal with the GC offering to turn himself and Vicki and Lionel in if they surrender Mr. Stein and Darrion. Of course the GC are planning a trap but no doubt our gang of plucky young heroes will be fine because Ellanjay are adverse to actually letting their heroes suffer.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Still Very Bored

Sorry, sorry for the late post. If you're wondering I haven't been killed in a freak gardening and/or vomit-choking and/or spontaneous combustion accident; just my computer is misbehaving. That out of the way, on with the new post.

Okay Vicki and the rest of the YTF are sleeping in the cave and as you probably guessed sleeping in a cave is very uncomfortable. This leads to her talking about her feelings for Judd which leads to me to scream at her to resist. Judd may not be as colossal a dick as St. Rayford or Our Buck but he's still pretty dickish.

Conrad meanwhile is still playing the double agent and doing a much better job than Lionel ever did at this game. Maybe by virtue of not being a main character that automatically makes him smarter than the other protags. Either that or the NWO is really dumb.

Okay next chapter, the YTF are still in the cave running low on food and water and they're still not sure if the GC is still looking for them because they have no way of communicating with the outside world. Now in the hands of a good writer, this would be a tense situation but again, the YTF are under divine writ of Ellanjay protection. So they draw straws to see who has to go back to the house to recharge the laptop (so they can read Token Jew's all important epistles) and get food. Surprisingly they're more concerned about internet than food, which makes me headdesk. If you're wondering, Lionel gets the short one so he has to go into the house.

Meanwhile, Morale Monitors decide to revist Mr. Stein suspecting that he knows more than what he's telling. Conrad is in a difficult position trying to help Mr. Stein while still pretending that he's a loyal GC patriot. Anyway, his section ends with one of the Morale Monitors pointing a gun at Mr. Stein's head.

I'm throwing in a third chapter because again, nothing is happening and nothing happens in the third chapter. Basically the YTF make it back to the cave only to discover it's full of snakes. Insert Snakes on a Plane joke here. Oh and Mr. Stein wants to go to Israel and be one of the 144,000 witnesses.

Sorry for the disappointing post. I'm starting to long for Rayford right now; he's so awful there's always something to talk about.