Plot Bunnies for Sale and/or Adoption!

Hey, everybody!

[Off-topic rant] Yes, I freely admit that I am taking perverse delight in all the Batman v. Superman hate. Even if part of me feels like being all hipster and going, "Posers. I hated Zack Snyder before it was cool to hate him." After much thought, I'm starting to think if given a choice between an eternity with the oeuvre of Michael Bay or eternity with the oeuvre of Zack Snyder...well, first of all, I'd be like, "Seriously, Saint Peter?! Yeah, I know I swear too much and was an obsessive fangirl, but really, what did I do to deserve this?! It's not like I killed anybody!" After that, well, as much as it pains me to admit it, I'd choose Michael Bay in that scenario.

Admittedly a large reason is because I don't particularly care about Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the way I do about Superman, but another reason is that, let's face it, we all know Michael Bay doesn't give a shit about making a statement and creating good art. He's not making all these films in order to be all deep and insightful; he's making them because he can't get enough solid gold Humvees. I'd rather endure Michael Bay's mindless frat-boy stupidity than Zack Snyder's kind of stupidity, where he thinks he's being all deep and insightful about the human condition, but instead comes across as some petulant teenager, pouting his lip and saying, "I'm totally mature. I have blood and death in my works, which makes it deep and insightful." Open and honest idiocy is a lot more endurable than Snyder's kind. Plus for all his flaws, Michael Bay can do some decent pyrotechnics and who doesn't enjoy the visceral thrill of watching stuff get blown up? [/Off-topic rant]

We are on Chapter 44 of 48, so we're pretty much in the home stretch here. Again, apologies for the weakness of all the snark, but really, there's nothing that can be said beyond "Ellanjay suck," "TurboJesus is an eldritch horror," and "So much padding." So if it sounds like I'm doing more of a greatest hits kind of snark, rather than a thorough one, it's because really the last four chapters is just TurboJesus quoting Bible verses and doing everything short of tea-bagging his opponents.

Anyway, the chapter begins with bloody hailstones raining down on the GC. Oh and when I use the word, bloody, I'm not using it in the British sense.

THE TEMPERATURE dropped quickly around Lionel and the others, then returned to normal. News reached them of a great hailstorm—with chunks of ice weighing a hundred pounds or more—that had fallen on the massacred Unity Army. Water mingled with blood, creating a red, gooey liquid that was four feet deep in some places.

I'm fairly certain the bloody hailstones thing has happened before, but I'm too lazy to look it up, just as I'm too lazy to calculate how many times all the water, fresh or salt, turned to blood and became undrinkable. And again, those charts done by PMD enthusiasts don't help. Again, were it not for the fact that they were illustrating something many people actually believe, I'd assume they were slapped together by a schizophrenia patient with skills in graphic design and an obsession with the Bible. Though again, even someone deep in the grips of psychosis could probably come up with a more coherent worldview, so maybe I shouldn't slur people with schizophrenia.

TurboJesus quotes bits from 1 John, chapter four. And yes, he does quote verses 7-11, which basically go "Love each other because God loves you." And my head explodes, because really, they don't see the cognitive dissonance like at all? They genuinely believe that TurboJesus exploding peoples' heads is an expression of love.

I suppose I could rant endlessly about it, but I've already done so many rants about how they picture God as unshaven, dressed in a wife-beater and open bathrobe, shouting at his cowering spouse and/or children, "Now look at what you made me do!" So I'll just let the last few lines of 1 John 4 speak for me.

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

I honestly wonder if the reason Jesus hasn't come back like everyone said he would, is because he's too busy face-palming over idiots, being like, "Seriously, how did you get that from that?!"

[Slightly Off-topic Plot Bunny] Fantasy fiction seems obsessed with the idea of chosen ones that after many centuries of waiting, the chosen one has finally appeared and will defeat the Dark Lord and institute a new reign of peace and prosperity and all that. My idea is, given how many different ways Christianity had been interpreted in its two-thousand-year history, rather than one ancient order of monks studying and keeping the prophecies alive and unchanged and them all being in agreement that Hero is indeed, the Chosen One, how about in the subsequent years since the prophecy was made, the ancient order has split into many different sects, each with their own idea as to who the chosen one is. So you wind up with many people claiming to be the chosen one, rather than one agreed-upon protagonist.

Some of these chosen ones do genuinely believe that they are the chosen one, and want to overthrow the Dark Lord and make the world a better place for noble reasons. Other chosen ones are in it more for mercenary motives rather than noble ones; want to overthrow the Dark Lord and take his place as the rightful king because hey, being King beats working your fingers to the bone and living in squalor until you die of whatever Plague-of-the-Month is going around.

Just know that regardless of whatever twists you come up with on my Plot Bunny, you cannot, at any moment, have it confirmed a hundred percent that Chosen One from Village X is the real Chosen One according to prophecies. While you can have pretenders, you're not allowed to definitively say, "This one is definitely the Chosen One." No divine beings stepping in and saying anything or anything like that. Whoever wins and winds up sitting on the throne, does so through ordinary virtues like courage and intelligence, not because he is the Chosen One and uses some special magic that only the Chosen One can use.

You could also throw in that the Dark Lord is well aware of all the Chosen One prophecies and has done his part to keep them in circulation, so the various sects would be too busy fighting each other to fight him. Or in other words, the various Chosen Ones win, because a few are like, "Hey, we share a common enemy," and work together. [/Plot Bunny]

I suppose I should apologize for that tangent, but again, lot more interesting than anything in this chapter. I don't think you need me to tell you that.

We cut to Judd, who is in Jerusalem. He hears a speech from Nicky and is shocked, shocked by the bland platitudes of his speech.

Carpathia continued, predicting a total takeover of Jerusalem. Judd couldn’t believe it when the man referred to Jesus as “this one who flits about in the air quoting ancient fairy-tale texts.” Nicolae predicted Jesus would die. “He is no match for the risen lord of this world and for the fighting force in place to face him. It does not even trouble me to make public our plan, as it has already succeeded. This city and these despicable people have long been his chosen ones, so we have forced him to show himself, to declare himself, to vainly try to defend them or be shown for the fraud and coward that he is. Either he attempts to come to their rescue or they will see him for who he really is and reject him as an impostor. Or he will foolishly come against my immovable force and me and prove once and for all who is the better man.”

We've talked many times about how incoherent Nicky's character is, how no matter what way you look at it, nothing about him makes any sense. We've can probably list several reasons for this, all of them equally true, as to why Nicky's character makes no damn sense. There's the obvious pitfalls associated with Christian Fiction™. Because it is a niche market and said niche consists primarily of people who are desperate for material, but afraid to go against their pastors and read outside the niche, you wind up with a whole lot of terrible, derivative fiction, because why put forth the effort when, no matter what you do, your works will sell?

I've said it in many conversations on Slacktiverse and probably on my own blog and I will say it many more times before I die, but the truly good Christian art was produced during an era when the Church was about the only game in town for artists. Because it was the only game in town, that meant a whole lot of competition, which strengthens the craft; if you didn't produce a quality piece to your employer's satisfaction, they'll say, "Tough," and move on to the next desperate artist standing in line. So you couldn't just slap a Jesus fish on a piece of crap and call it a day; you had to put forth actual effort.

There's also the matter of in this particular niche, you can't have anything that might offend a blue-haired schoolmarm, even if you clearly show it as being bad and the character is punished afterwards. My favorite example of this phenomenon among fundies, comes from the good people at Capalert, which criticized the Star Wars films because the Empire had "bad attitudes." Never mind that the Empire, aka the guys with the giant planet-killing moon, was continually depicted as being the bad guys. Put in any sort of conflict and some RTC will take offense at it. I'd say their ideal entertainment would be the Itchy and Scratchy Cartoons as done by Marge Simpson, but given that there have been fundies who objected to all the talking animals in the Chronicles of Narnia, because they felt it reeked of paganism, they would probably still object to those cartoons.

But even within the strict confines of the RTC subculture, it must be possible to create great art. Though given that I can't think of any examples of great RTC art off of the top of my head, the answer is probably not. The problems inherent in this series can probably be summed up in one word, laziness, or to use TV Tropes, They Just Didn't Care. Just as they're not interested in exploring the character of Jesus, because he's their cosmic Enola Gay and they feel that's reason enough to worship them Him, they aren't interested in exploring the character of the Anti-Christ and what it means. If you asked any of them, "Okay so why does Nicky do these things?" Ellanjay would say, "Because he's the Anti-Christ." And if you asked, "Okay, so why does the anti-Christ do these things?" they'll give the same answer, until you just say, "Screw it," and walk away. After which, Ellanjay will proclaim themselves the victors, because you just know that they are big believers in the Chewbacca Defense.

So we're never going to get a coherent response as to why Nicky's doing all this, following a plan to the letter even though said plan ends with him getting punted into Hellfire for all eternity. Some have suggested that maybe Nicky's just going along with this, so he can drag TurboJesus out of Heaven and kick his ass, but from there, you wonder what Ellanjay would say if you asked, "Okay, so why does the Anti-Christ want to kill TurboJesus." We of the Slacktiverse can think of several legitimate reasons, but since Ellanjay worship the Gospel of Might Makes Right (therefore, it's perfectly okay for TurboJesus to slaughter innocents because he is mightier than the anti-Christ, but it's wrong for the anti-Christ to do the same), probably the only response given is "Because he's the anti-Christ."

But Nicky must be doing this because he thinks he can win. He doesn't think the world has seven years left; he thinks that the next generation will grow up, get jobs, have kids, and eventually move into the corridors of power themselves. It's a beautiful future and he's willing to fight to preserve it. As Fred and I keep saying, Fighting to save the world from forces wanting to destroy it, makes you the hero. That's how this works.

Though is there any reason why they have to make Nicky sound so stilted that even Brent Spiner would say, "Dude, tone it down a little?" Though while my knowledge of Star Trek is lacking (was totally a Star Wars gal growing up and am intimidated by the amount of continuity I'd have to learn about Star Trek), I'm fairly certain that Data would probably be a helluva lot more intimidating anti-Christ than Nicky.

Then Nicky says this:

“My pledge to you, loyal citizens of the Global Community,” Carpathia said, “is that come the end of this battle, no opponent of my leadership and regime will remain standing, yea, not one will be left alive. The only living beings on planet Earth will be trustworthy citizens, lovers of peace and harmony and tranquility, which I offer with love for all from the depths of my being.

I could point out the obvious--that Nicky goes from being "Exterminate all the Brutes!" to Peacey McPeace-Peace within the span of a few sentences--but let's focus on something else as equally obvious: Nicky's plan is to kill all who oppose him in a massive genocide that will leave only those who support him standing. What's TurboJesus's plan? Oh yeah, it's THE EXACT SAME AS NICKY'S! Because again, they believe Might Makes Right, like I've said many times. It's only wrong for Nicky to brutally kill all those opposed to him, because he's not the mightiest guy around; TurboJesus is. Plus again, Nicky is killing in defense of his poorly defined beliefs, rather than the incoherent poorly defined beliefs of RTC-ianity, which makes his actions wrong.

Then we get this:

“I am but ten miles west of Jerusalem as we speak, and I will be dismissing my cabinet and generals so they may be about the business of waging this conflict under my command. The Most High Reverend of Carpathianism, Dr. Leon Fortunato himself, will serve as my chauffeur for my triumphal entry. Citizens are already lining the roadway to greet me, and I thank you for your support.”

A few minutes later, drums and trumpets sounded in the distance. Vicki, who had buried her head in Judd’s chest, looked up. “Carpathia has mocked everything God’s done. This is his version of the triumphal entry.”

Okay, given the strictures of Christian Fiction™ you can't have Nicky actually do any actual evil. Fine, but does he have to speak in so stilted a manner? Even Data would be like, "Seriously?!" if given a line like "I will be dismissing my cabinet and generals so they may be about the business of waging this conflict under my command." Because Nicky is the leader of the world; of course, the conflict is under his command! That and the line about all the people lining up to greet him, so reeks of "Here let me describe in detail this building about to collapse on us!" I suppose I could dive into TV Tropes and see if they have a name for that trope, but hell no! I spend enough time on that black hole of a website as is.

Though I thought Nicky already did his version of the triumphal entry back with the Epic!Pig!Ride aka the part that's so stupid, it crosses over and becomes awesome and is the only example of such a moment in this series.

Judd thinks about how Nicky's going to get what's coming to him and we cut briefly to Lionel and Sam, who are also just sitting and watching. The only notable part of Lionel's section is this bit:

Someone pulled out a handheld TV and caught GCNN’s coverage of Nicolae riding a stallion, his sword raised in the air. He swung it, and the troops around him whooped. “Follow me to the Western Wall and make way for the battering ram and missile launchers! Upon my command, open fire!”

Given that Nicky's already using horses for no real reason, suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that he's also using other medieval tech like battering rams, even though if the guys operating the ram (and you know it's a medieval style one, where it's basically a giant log cut from a tree) are in front of the missiles, congratulations, Nicky, you just killed several of your own dudes. Even though I'm fairly certain the strategy with missiles is to launch them from a bunker a safe distance away, then swoop in after they've bombed everything and everyone to smithereens.

I suppose I could rant some more about Nicky using medieval-level tech, but in all honesty, I'm just disappointed that they don't have him using something cooler like trebuchets or crossbows or long bows. Again, if you're going to be that stupid, commit to it!

Vicki's watching the GC storm Jerusalem and is all horrified, even though I'm fairly certain that even inbred medieval nobles could come up with a better strategy than what Nicky's cooked up. Because he's having them storm the wall on horses, even though the only way that would work is if the wall is so damn short that it can't in good conscience be called a wall, maybe a hedge, but not a wall. Either that or Nicky's horses are actually pegasi, an idea I have no difficulty accepting. Given the effed up stuff we've seen in this series, winged horses isn't too much of a leap.

Again, keep hoping somebody else in the Slacktiverse will adopt another plot bunny I have: an Office-style sitcom about the various number-crunchers and bureaucrats employed by Nicky's regime. Because again, Nicky has to have thousands upon thousands of people working below him; couldn't conquer the world with just ten employees.

And then there's this:

Quickly, the prisoners climbed over the downed wire, only to be met by three Unity Army soldiers holding guns. Vicki and Judd took a step back, still inside the prison.

“No!” Vicki screamed as the soldiers aimed their guns.

But before they could shoot, skin dripped from their arms and their eyes melted. The once-healthy soldiers were now simply uniforms full of bones. Seconds later the same thing happened to the horses. Their flesh and eyes and tongues dripped away like candle wax.

Vicki was too stunned to move. She had read verses in Revelation that said this was going to happen. She had even seen people die from the horsemen of terror and stung by the demon locusts, but she had never seen anything so gruesome. Without a shot fired or a missile launched, the Unity Army melted into the street.

Before anyone makes any Raiders of the Lost Ark references, I feel a need to reiterate a point I've made many times: AT LEAST IN THAT MOVIE, THE FACE-MELTING HAPPENED TO MOTHEREFFING NAZIS WHO HAD PRESUMABLY DONE SOMETHING TO DESERVE IT! That and like I've said, point out all you like that the entire thing would have been resolved if Indy had stayed home and graded papers, but at least Raiders had the decency to have some awesome fight scenes/stunts so the viewer doesn't feel like their time was entirely wasted. Though how anyone can consider watching Harrison Ford at his prime a waste of time, is beyond me. Even Straight Guys dig Harrison Ford.

The section ends with this:

Vicki glanced up when God’s temple opened and a flood of brilliant light surrounded her.

Judd pulled Vicki toward a nearby wall as lightning flashed, thunder roared, and the earth shifted.

In seconds the earth buckled and swayed. Carpathia’s soldiers were swallowed through great cracks in the earth.

I feel a need to reiterate that this is Chapter 44 of the 48 in this book. So even though the story is damn near over, SOMEHOW WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH FOUR MORE CHAPTERS OF THE TRIBBLES DANCING AROUND THE END ZONE SAYING, "WE'RE #1!" WHILE AT THE SAME TIME ACTING LIKE THE OUTCOME IS IN DOUBT!

We then cut to Conrad, who's groping Shelly. At least, that's my general assumption since y'all know I have a dim view of Conrad and Shelly's relationship.

Anyway not much really happens--they just watch TurboJesus spit out Bible Quotes and kill everyone--but I'll quote this part:

Somehow the Global Community News Network managed to stay on the air and showed satellite pictures of the earth bathed in a light that originated from Jesus. In North America, a huge dust cloud hovered over Arizona, and reports that the Grand Canyon had been filled in and was now level brought oohs and aahs from their friends. Even more incredible was the shot over Nepal showing that Mount Everest and the mountain ranges surrounding it had crumbled and were now as flat as every other place on earth. Islands disappeared into the sea. Everything had been leveled except for the city of Jerusalem.

Nice usage of what the Turkey City Lexicon calls Fuzz, with that somehow at the beginning. My head canon is that the GC's news channel has stayed on the air, because Nicky's government is made up of awesome people working as long and hard as possible to keep things running so more people don't die as a result of the destroyed infrastructure. Because television requires satellites and electricity and all those require a ton of infrastructure to maintain and run, no matter how much Ellanjay may like to believe that it all runs because Jesus! that's why.

With that in mind, given a choice between being under Nicky's rule or under an RTC's, I'd choose Nicky. Because we had an RTC administration in power and they couldn't come up with a plan for a disaster they had a week's notice on. Whereas Nicky...no matter how bad things get, the power stays on, the water keeps flowing, and people are still getting plenty to eat. That's pretty damn amazing.

I suppose I should remember, in all my fangirling of Nicky, that he is a ruthless dictator running roughshod over human rights, but I still feel a need to side with him, because again, the opposition is so much worse. I may be a pacifist who genuinely believes in human rights and therefore, would naturally be opposed to Nicky's regime, but when we're facing annihilation at the hands of a cosmic horror, I'll suck it up and do what I can to help. Sort of like how the US and the Soviet Union fought together in World War II, even though both sides hated each other, but both sides knew that they'd be screwed if Hitler won. So the thinking was "Work together, then once this is all said and done, we can resume hating each other." Though, really, what is in Russia that makes it worth invading in winter? Pro Tip for any aspiring dictators reading my blog: Never invade Russia in winter. No matter what's there, it's not worth invading a country that considers any weather not cold enough to summon a legion of White Walkers, shorts weather. That and remember, there are also a lot of Russians, because you have to do something to keep warm and get through all those winters that last, on average, nine months.

That out of the way, do Ellanjay honestly look at scenes like this or this and think "Yadda yadda, all those bright colors and soaring vistas are nice, but y'know what, it's just got too much height and depth for my liking. Can't build a decent Wal-Mart here." That and as I recall, the Grand Canyon and Mount Everest are both considered sacred religious sites, but they probably can't be arsed to care about Native American Tribes or the Nepalese or Tibetans, so let's move on.

I'm more curious about all the islands sinking. Do Ellanjay mention that all the Hawaiian RTCs managed to GTFO out of Hawaii before all this happened? Granted if there are Polynesian RTCs, they would immediately get bamfed into Heaven, while their heathen neighbors roasted on a spit, but you'd think they'd make some one-line mention or something.

That and I wonder about the people of North Sentinel Island. I've wondered about them many times in this series. For those too lazy to click on the link, the people of North Sentinel Island are believed to be among the last uncontacted peoples on Earth. By virtue of the massive coral reef surrounding the island that wrecked ships that tried to land there and that the island didn't have any resources that colonizing powers wanted, they've managed to live in isolation from the modern world. The Islanders also fiercely defend their land, making it so only a few have actually seen what the natives look like. Can't even use Google Earth to figure that out because North Sentinel Island is too thickly forested.

North Sentinel Island is currently under the administration of India. In the past, India did try to make contact with the natives, sending out boats with gifts to entice the Islanders, but after several attempts, which led to the deaths of the people trying to make contact and their gifts ignored and left on the beach, the Indian government has decided to just leave North Sentinel Island alone. The last time they checked on it, was after the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami. They flew over the island in a helicopter to check on the natives and were greeted with a flurry of spears and arrows making it quite clear: natives are saying, "We're doing fine on our own, so leave us alone." Which is fine; if they want to join the modern world, they can do so on their terms.

Anyway, my long rambling point is throughout this series, I kept wondering what Ellanjay would say if I brought up North Sentinel Island. Because maybe with other parts of the world, Ellanjay can just dismiss them, saying, "They heard of Christ and didn't immediately abandon their cherished beliefs and convert at the drop of a hat; therefore they are damned." But the people of North Sentinel Island are ignorant of Christ, as in never heard of him. So when Zod sank all the islands, did he sank an island full of innocent people for the crime of being isolated from the world?

And that's it for this week. Again, just sometimes you can only handle so much of Ellanjay at once, so forgive me for not throwing on another chapter. As for the post title, sorry, but couldn't think of anything else to call this post.

Satan Totally Has A Point

Sorry, sorry to be late. I had a busy weekend. I saw the new Star Wars film and a performance of Handel's Messiah. All I'm going to say about the new Star Wars is "Seriously, go see this movie!" and as for The Messiah...as always it was damn good. It's kind of weird that it's become a Christmas tradition given that it was written for Easter and I know it's so popular, it's practically a cliché. But there's a reason some things become clichés: because they're damn good. Though the sopranos were kind of shaky, but the bass soloist they had for the "Trumpet shall resound" part, was pretty awesome. Always liked that part: it's like there's a duel going on between the soloist and the trumpet. If nothing else, it was a nice reminder that Christian Art didn't always suck.

So I'm here now. Sorry again for the lateness, but take some consolation in that maybe after all this exposure to good art and how I'm now facing some bad art...maybe it's like starving a junkyard dog, how after a while it attacks everything that moves. Maybe my snark this week will be extra vicious.

So let's get to it. Keep trying to figure out which pop culture reference I should use as a launch point? I couldn't decide so I'll post both. All right. It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix-tape... Let's rock. or for those soulless abominations who hate animated entertainment, I'll reference the classic Blues Brothers bit:

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it.

Again, choose your own pop culture launching point for this week.

Anyway, like I said last week, this chapter contains massive amounts of "Strawman Always Has A Point," though I suppose I should say, "Satan Always Has A Point." Yeah, Nicky's speech is pretty cartoonish, so much so that I totally picture him being voiced by Chris Latta. Ah, Chris Latta, he may be the one actor who could portray Nicky as his writers intended. Too bad he's dead.

But the actual content of said speech...it actually demonstrates some subversive elements, if you get past all the "Bwaah! Bwaah! I am evil!" villain talk. It's a more cartoonish version of Philip Pullman's thesis in His Dark Materials. In the last book in the series, the characters kill God, who is basically a spent, senile old man. I felt Pullman's books were entirely too heavy-handed, especially towards the end, but he makes some of the same points as Nicky. According to the characters of his books, God was the first thing created out of the Dust (an elemental force that binds everything in the Dark Materials-verse)and proceeded to tell everyone that He was God and Created Everything.

I'm probably reading entirely too much into this stuff, but every time I stumble onto anything in this series with any subversive element, I gnaw endlessly on it, like a starving dog with a bone. I'll assume the ghostwriter did most of the writing for this chapter. Though you know Tim LaHaye would get the vapors if he found out that someone compared his books to Philip Pullman's.

Anyway, maybe the ghostwriter thought we were all tired and shagged out after the exciting action of the previous chapter, because all that happens in this chapter is the YTF and Chang and probably some other tribbles I'm too lazy to care about, watch Nicky's speech and bravely make snide remarks from the safe confines of Petra.

Leon Fortunado introduces Nicky and if we're continuing the GC is Cobra thing I mentioned earlier, yes, I totally picture Leon as Destro. Except a guy as fabulous as Leon wouldn't be content with just wearing Destro's usual style: Leon would totally go for the gold-headed pimp Destro model.

:sighs: I know this kind of complaint is the proverbial "Going to a porno and spending all your time complaining about the characters' taste in wallpaper" kind of complaint, but is it weird that the biggest problem I have with Destro wearing a metal bucket on his head, is how exactly does it have little cut-outs for his eyebrows? How does that even work?

Okay, I'll stop being nostalgic for shitty eighties' cartoons and get back to tearing the For Kids! version of Left Behind a new one.

Anyway, the YTF are all chilled by Nicky's pledge to eliminate those who oppose peace within a year. Yeah...again, we run into that old meme with Ellanjay: "Peace is Evil, so everyone who wants it, is evil!" Even though I imagine if you were to ask the spirit of General Patton and the spirit of Martin Luther King, Jr., they'd probably both agree that peace is, y'know, a good thing. They'd just have different ideas as to how to go about achieving it but they'd still agree that it's good.

But Ellanjay...it's like Fred's footnote for his post Pistol-Packing Pacifist says:

We looked at this anti-peacemaker attitude in an earlier post, where I wrote of people like LaHaye that: “They’ve gotten so caught up in guarding against wolves in sheep’s clothing that anything in sheep’s clothing is viewed as the enemy. So all sheep must be shot on sight.” That probably understates the problem. LaHaye doesn’t believe there’s really any such thing as sheep, just a wooly fifth column of wolves.

Okay, I suppose the bit about peace could have been chilling if we got the "Nicky plans to crush all who dissent against him" vibe, but given that's essentially TurboJesus's plan...yeah, I really don't need to go any further, do I? I'm just going to post a quote from Jeremiah and get back to work. Because it's a good quote and you'll probably get where I'm going with it.

Theo: I'd rather follow the man who has the power and doesn't use it, has the ideas, who thinks that they're better than he is than the man who likes power too much and will do anything to get it. The man who thinks that he is bigger than the ideas.

Seriously, go watch this series! I have half a mind to start kidnapping people, tying them up, and making them watch it from beginning to end.

Anyway, like I said last week, according to the error message, I've reached the Publishers' limit on copying and pasting, so I'm being forced to go to creative lengths in order to quote from this book. I'm fairly certain my usage of this book falls under the Fair Use part of copyright law, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about the error message. Somebody who's computer savvy want to help me out?

I will freely admit that I do encourage everyone to pirate the living hell out of this series. Most of the time, I am damn opposed to pirating books (because only the RIAA deserves to be scammed out of cash, because seriously, fuck the RIAA.), but in Ellanjay's case, I say go nuts. Anything to keep them from making more money off of this crap, because even the Fifty Shades of Grey or the Twilight series are better reads.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Carpathia said, “the time has come for me to take you into my confidence. We must all be on the same page in order to win the ultimate battle. Look into my eyes and listen, because what you hear today is truth and you will have no trouble believing every word of it. I am eternal. I am from everlasting to everlasting. I was there at the beginning, and I will remain through eternity future.”

Nicolae stood and began to slowly circle the table.

“It’s as if they’re in a trance,” Vicki said. “Like they’re scared to even look at him.”

“Here is the problem,” Carpathia continued. “The one who calls himself God is not God. I will concede that he preceded me. When I evolved out of the primordial ooze and water, he was already there. But plainly, he had come about in the same manner I did. Simply because he preceded me, he wanted me to think he created me and all the other beings like him in the vast heavens. I knew better. Many of us did.”

So in other words, Nicky is finally doing what we Slacktivites have been suggesting all along: marshalling up his citizens/subjects by saying, "God did all this; therefore he's evil and must be opposed!"

In fact, even with all the cartoonish villain blather, gotta admit that Nicky really has the RTCs' number, so much so that I wonder how the ghostwriter managed to slip this one by. I suppose said brave ghostwriter was helped by the fact that Ellanjay believe that only amateurs reread and edit their works, but still.

Carpathia talked as if he were explaining a math problem to a group of second graders. “He tried to tell us we were created as ministering servants. We had a job to do. He said he had created humans in his own image and that we were to serve them. Had I been there first, I could have told him that I had created him and that it was he who would serve me by ministering to my other creations.

“But he did not create anything! We, all of us—you, me, the other heavenly hosts, men and women—all came from that same primordial soup. But no! Not according to him! He was there with another evolved being like myself, and he claimed that one as his favored son. He was the special one, the chosen one, the only begotten one.

“I knew from the beginning it was a lie and that I—all of us—was being used. I was a bright and shining angel. I had ambition. I had ideas. But that was threatening to the older one. He called himself the creator God, the originator of life. He took the favored position. He demanded that the whole earth worship and obey him. I had the audacity to ask why. Why not me?”

Of course, Judd gives the witty rejoinder, "Because you're the father of all lies," but again, I continue to be on Team Nicky. Because where exactly would Nicky have gotten these ideas if GOD HIMSELF HADN'T PLANTED THEM IN HIS HEAD! GOD GAVE HIM THESE IDEAS AND TURNED HIM INTO SATAN AND WILL PUNISH HIM FOR BASICALLY BEING SATAN BECAUSE HE'S A CRUEL FUCK THAT WAY!

Or the way I see it, in this scenario, God was the negligent parent who spilled huge amounts of pills all over the damn floor, even though he lived in a house with small children. Then when said small child swallowed a handful and became very sick, GOD BASICALLY BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF THE KID FOR BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO SWALLOW SAID PILLS AND GET SICK!

Though wait, that isn't entirely accurate. As bad as most abusive parents are, at least, there are limits to what they can do to a kid. No matter what you feel about torture or abuse (I really hope my readers are opposed to it), there's a natural endpoint in that you can't hurt them anymore after they've died. BUT GIVEN THAT ELLANJAY BELIEVE IN HELL AND THAT IT'S FOREVER AS IN WITHOUT END!

Y'know what, before I go any further, I'm going to post some good writing as a palate cleanser. And yes, I am quoting from Sandman Vol. 4 again, because Neil Gaiman has more talent in an eyelash than Ellanjay do in their entire bodies. Note how Neil Gaiman handles stuff like the Fall, as Lucifer talks to Dream:

LUCIFER: I'm tired, Morpheus. So tired. You knew me, Dream. You knew me when I was an angel. What was I like?

MORPHEUS: You were very proud, Samael. But you were also very beautiful, and wise -- and passionate.

LUCIFER: Was I? Yes... yes, I was. I cared about so many things. I cared so deeply, back then, in the cold at the beginning of things. In the Silver City. I suppose that was why everything began to go wrong. You know... I still wonder how much of it was planned. How much of it He knew in advance.

I thought I was rebellng. I thought I was defying his rule. No... I was merely fulfilling another tiny segment of his great and powerful plan. If I had not rebelled, another would have, in my stead. Raguel, perhaps. Or Sandalphon.

We fell, my comrades in arms and I. We fell so far... so long... And after an eternity of falling, we came to rest in this place. And I knew then that there was no way that I would ever return to paradise.

Nicky starts talking about the whole rebellion he lead against God and about how a third of angels fought with him. Uh, yeah, someone want to tell Ellanjay that the whole shtick about Lucifer rebelling and being cast to Hell is basically Biblical fanfiction created by a guy taking a handful of verses and using them as jumping off point for his ideas? Though I can imagine why Ellanjay wouldn't want to reflect too long on that last part.


He rehashes Genesis talking about how he tempted Eve into eating the fruit and Cain into killing Abel. I admit that this part of the speech is mostly "Bwaah! Bwaah! I am evil!" blather, but again...Satan continues to have a point. It's nice that Ellanjay acknowledge that even the bad guys see themselves as the hero of their story, even if they horribly botch it because they're unwilling to take this line of thinking too far. But again, their subculture really doesn't have much respect for inquiry.

Then there's this bit:

Before you know it, I am proving beyond doubt that these creatures are not really products of the older angel’s creativity. Within a few generations I have them so confused, so selfish, so full of themselves that the old man no longer wants to claim they were made in his image.

“They get drunk; they fight; they blaspheme. They are stubborn; they are unfaithful. They kill each other. The only ones I cannot get through to are Noah and his kin. Of course, the great creator decides the rest of history depends on them and wipes out everyone else with a flood. I eventually got to Noah, but he had already started repopulating the earth.

I find the bit about Noah to be very interesting, especially where it mentions that eventually Satan got to Noah. It makes me wonder if someone clued in Ellanjay that their RTC forefathers used Genesis 9:20-27 as basically a Biblical cudgel to justify slavery. Later when they couldn't justify slavery with it, the bigots held onto it, using it in order to justify Jim Crow laws.

I suppose if I pointed this out to Ellanjay, they would be appalled, saying that they totally would have supported Martin Luther King, Jr. and how dare you say otherwise! Yeah I've got another webcomic for them.

Because we all know that they're going to do the same with Gay Rights as they did with the Civil Rights: deny, deny, deny until said views start costing them bodies in the pew (or in other words, money) after which they'll reverse themselves and pretend like they were totally on the right side of history all along. Sad part is because their subculture sucks at history, said strategy will work.

The next part I highly suspect was put in to bolster their "The Other Guys are the Real Anti-Semites, not us!" defense. Because Satan wants to exterminate the Jews, but Ellanjay just want them to surrender their cultural identities, give up everything that makes them a separate people, and convert or die and burn in Hell forever, which is totally different.

“Yes, I will admit it. The father and the son have been formidable foes over the generations. They have their favorites—the Jews, of all people. The Jews are the apples of the elder’s eye, but therein lies his weakness. He has such a soft spot for them that they will be his undoing.

“My forces and I almost had them wiped out not so many generations ago, but father and son intervened, gave them back their own land, and foiled us again. Fate has toyed with us many times, my friends, but in the end we shall prevail.

Nicky does the bit that aunursa had mentioned in a previous post where Nicky basically bwaahs! about how he's going to win by following God's plan to the letter even though said plan ends in his defeat. I fast-forward through it to quote this part.

“Let them turn the lights off in the great city that I loved so much! Ah, how beautiful it was when it was the center for commerce and government, and the great ships and planes brought in goods from all over the globe. So it is dark now. And so what if it is eventually destroyed? I will build it back up, because I am more powerful than father and son combined.

“Let them shake the earth until it is level and drop hundred-pound chunks of ice from the skies. I will win in the end because I have read their battle plan. The old man plans to send the son to set up the kingdom he predicted more than three hundred times in his book, and he even tells where he will land! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a surprise waiting for him!"

I'll admit it's still heavy on the cartoonish villain talk, enough that I continue to see Nicky as Cobra Commander, but in spite of this, bits of it are oddly inspiring.

Because the core is Nicky basically saying, "We're going to stand up, fight the Eldritch Horrors trying to wipe us out, and win!" and as Fred Clark points out, heroes are generally opposed to the destruction of the world. It's kind of part of the job description: heroes value life and will do whatever they can to save whoever they can. Villains believe that the ends justify the means.

Or in other words, think of Avengers 2: Age of Ultron where Ultron is all "Okay you can stop me from destroying the world or save a city full of millions of innocent civilians." And in true hero fashion, the collective response of The Avengers is "STFU! We're doing both!" and they proceed to do so. The Avengers could have easily decided, in realpolitik fashion, that the billions of lives that would be lost if Ultron won, far outweighed a city full of civilians, but they double-downed and bent over backwards to prove that Ultron was wrong about humans.

[TANGENT] I find myself wondering if Avengers 2 didn't exist as one giant Take That against that movie I hate so very much. Instead of a movie that's dour and dreary and steadfastly refuses to admit that there is anything awe-inspiring or cool about seeing a man fly, Avengers 2 gave us bright colors, a rousing score, and heroes who actually do care about life instead of just paying lip service to the whole "Heroes value human life" trope. [/TANGENT]

Or if you're tired of me fangirling the MCU, I'll use Fred Clark's words on the subject. Yeah, I already linked to said post, but I totally felt it deserved to be in the body of the snark.

One thing it might suggest is that Nicolae Carpathia doesn’t know that he’s the Antichrist. He doesn’t seem to realize that history is in its final throes, with the last curtain closing in less than six years from this point in the story.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to work with the rest of what we’ve been told or shown about Nicolae. I’ve wished it were true, because I think his character — and the entire story — would be a lot more interesting if he had no idea that he was the Antichrist, and no idea of all the “Bible prophecies” and End Times check list events he was required/predetermined to fulfill. But the authors have never given us any other motive or explanation for Nicolae’s behavior. His agenda — from the construction of New Babylon to the rebuilding of the Temple in Jerusalem — is just too weird and arbitrary to be explained by anything other than his working from the same prophecy check list that’s pinned up on the wall of Bruce Barnes’ study.

So he’s gotta know he’s the Antichrist, and he surely knows the final countdown of the seven-year Tribulation is under way.

But maybe he really thinks he can win. Maybe he imagines that he’ll be able to change the predetermined outcome at Armageddon, preventing the End of the World and thereby continuing his reign as global dictator for the rest of his natural life. In that case, it might make sense for him to want children — to raise an heir who could inherit his throne. Maybe Nicolae really thinks he has a chance of keeping history and the world going longer than just the next five and a half years, long enough to see his child graduate from school, maybe get married some day and make him not just a father but a grandfather. …

But that scenario – the Antichrist-who-thinks-he-can-win-Armageddon possibility — raises another huge problem. It turns the whole story upside-down. It gives us a story in which powerful forces are at work trying to bring about the end of the world, while one man rises up to oppose them — fighting to save the world and to prevent the slaughter of billions of people. If that’s the story, then there’s no way that guy isn’t the hero of the story — even if that guy is also the Antichrist.

Fighting to save the world makes you the hero. That’s how that always works.

Anyway, because I am a massive MCU fangirl and I especially fangirl Captain America, I'm going to blather on some more about my love for said series and yes, I will provide a clip for your perusal.

Because I find myself thinking of the conversation between Erskine and Steve. Erskine basically says that he chose Steve because he felt that a weak man would know the value of strength and be less likely to abuse it. Fair enough, but I wonder if Erskine considered the possibility that a weak man who is given power, may very well decide to use it to abuse others. It seems a sadly oft-repeated theme in history: somebody on the bottom gets pushed around and picked on by those higher up, until somehow positions change and now the weak man is the one with the power. But the problem is that the weak man has internalized the "Might makes Right" attitude of those who used to bully him, so said weak man proceeds to become as bad as those who used to pick on him, using his power to push around those lower than him.

Of course, we all know Steve, by virtue of being awesome, didn't internalize the bully's mindset and become a bully himself, but still. Though I know Ellanjay are aware of the whole internalizing mindset. Because it just keeps showing up on the Right: "If we give the black folk/the gays/whatever group serves as their bogeyman, the rights due to them as Americans, they will immediately oppress and enslave us!" Granted, they use other words to express this idea, but the general meaning remains the same. They think Rights work like Pie in that in order to give someone a bigger slice, you must take away from someone else's slice. But Rights don't work like Pie. Giving more people more rights just leads to more rights for everyone. Rights multiply.

Anyway, there's some boring blather about weapons and then we get to the part where Lionel warns us to have strong stomachs.

If you're wondering which part of the Bible they're taking out of consequence, it's Revelation 16:13-14. For those of you too lazy to read the whole thing in the link, here's the verses in question:

Then I saw three impure spirits that looked like frogs; they came out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast and out of the mouth of the false prophet. They are demonic spirits that perform signs, and they go out to the kings of the whole world, to gather them for the battle on the great day of God Almighty.

So okay, we should expect to see demon-frog people. But, y'know, they're going to botch it. I remember one time when they had something in there about a river from a dragon's mouth being sent to kill God's people. I kind of knew they would interpret the part about the dragon as being about Nicky, rather than an actual mother-effing dragon, and they did, but I wondered how they would interpret the part about "the river from the dragon's mouth." I thought it would involve Nicky trying to kill everyone with his drool, which would be so stupid it crosses the line and becomes awesome, but instead, it involved an army of soldiers. Because Ellanjay support a straightforward interpretation of scripture.

Anyway the demon-frog people appear and Nicky says this:

“Please meet Ashtaroth, Baal, and Cankerworm. They are the most convincing and persuasive spirits it has ever been my pleasure to know. I am going to ask now that we, all of us, gather round them and lay hands on them, commissioning them for this momentous task.”

Not bad, but that seen could have been so much more metal than it was. You find yourself wishing that Iron Maiden or Black Sabbath was here: at least they'd give us an awesome album cover that would capture all the ridiculous awesomeness.

With the potentates and the others touching the three, Nicolae said, “And now go, you three, to the ends of the earth to gather them to the final conflict in Jerusalem, where we shall once and for all destroy the father and his so-called Messiah. Persuade everyone everywhere that the victory is ours, that we are right, and that together we can destroy the son before he takes over this world. Once he is gone, we will be the undisputed, unopposed leaders of the world.

“I confer upon you the power to perform signs and heal the sick and raise the dead, if need be, to convince the world that victory is ours. And now go in power."

If what I'd shown you thus far, hasn't turned you into a drooling Nicky fanboy or fangirl, the above should be enough. Because again, saving the world, along with healing the sick and resurrecting the dead, tends to be the kind of stuff that heroes do. So I want everyone to join me in saying, "Hail Satan!"

Anyway, that's it. This post was getting so damn long I was worried I'd have to halve it or something, but it's done. It'll have to tide you over for a bit; this weekend I'll be visiting relatives because of Christmas and whatnot, so I won't be able to dish out high-quality snark. You'll just have to hold on a bit longer.

Once again, Strawman has a point

So Vicki has dragged the black-haired girl into the hideout and now they're questioning her. In a rare show of competent writing, Ellanjay (or most likely, the Ghostwriter) give a description of this girl.

The girl was a little over five feet tall, with jet-black hair that hung down in clumps. She wore a dark, leather jacket and black jeans. Everything was dark about her except her skin, which was quite pale. She had a thin, cute face and brown eyes. Vicki couldn’t help thinking the girl looked like she could use a good meal.

Not bad but I've got to object to the height description. Unless they're at a gas station in front of one of those height measurers by the door, they shouldn't know she's a little over five feet tall. People don't tend to notice someone's height unless they're either really short or really tall and it doesn't sound like this girl's either.

The girl introduces herself as Tanya and talks about her and her father's beliefs.

“The dragon,” Tanya whispered. “This Carpathia dude is the head dragon of Revelation.”
“You read the Bible?”
“My dad does. He believes the prophecies are coming true. That’s why we went underground. The terrorists, or the dragon, were taking over, and it wouldn’t be until Armageddon that we could come out again.”

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that exactly what the Tribbles believe? That Nicky is the Dragon of Revelation and the only way to survive is to hole up somewhere? Given that Tanya later reveals that her dad's the head of some organization called the Mountain Militia, I'm assuming this is Ellanjay taking potshots at the Christian Survivalists. It doesn't really work though because there's little difference between Ellanjay theology and that of the Christian Survivalists. Both have a cruel God that even the Old Testament Jehovah would blanche at and both have an obsession with fancy toys.

In short, I'm wondering, like Vicki, why Tanya doesn't have the Zod-Mark.

In fact, right now I really wish I could follow Tanya's group because they're actually doing stuff and suffering the consequences unlike the Tribbles who don't have a bruise to show for three and a half years worth of suffering.

Nothing really happens on Judd's end. He talks to Chang and receives some recording of Nicky's rantings. Since they won't talk about what's on the recording until next chapter, I'm fast-forwarding.

Vicki, after hearing all of Tanya's complaints about how it sucks to live underground, sees an opening and decides to start talking to her about God.

Vicki scooted to the edge of her seat. “What do you think about God?”
“I don’t know,” Tanya said. “I don’t really think that much about him these days. Everything seems like it’s determined ahead. Who lives, who dies. What do you think?”
“Just like I think there’s an evil person in the world, I believe God is working out a plan for good to those who believe in him.”

Tanya rolled her eyes. “You call what’s happening in the world good? From what my dad tells me, there’s been a lot of people losing their lives. Now the oceans have turned to blood. Doesn’t sound like God’s doing a very good job.”
“In the Bible, God said he would send his Son to set the captives free. God’s doing that right now for millions of people around the world. He did it for me, and he can do it for you too.”

Raise your hand if right now you're totally on Tanya's side right now? Wow all two of my readers agree with me: Tanya's the one making more cogent points. I don't need to delve to deeply into this debate seeing as it's one we've had before. I'll just remind you that in the LB-verse, God loves his people so much that he's willing to kill them all so that no one will perish.

The chapter ends with Colin reporting that someone is headed their way.

Turns out that someone is Tanya's brother, Ty. Yeah, I'm wondering if this Mountain Militia group comes from the Duggar School of Naming Your Kids. Basically Ty's like, "You're coming with me," and drags Tanya off. Vicki gets in a last minute, "Jesus loves you!" leaving out the part where TurboJesus is also the one trying to kill you horribly.

Well, now we finally get to hear Nicky rant and really it's impossible to snark. I'm sorry but Nicky is just so over-the-top ridiculous that even though we're supposed to see this as a scene of horror, no one, I repeat no one, could possibly take this seriously. All the great villains in literature are shaking their heads in dismay. But because you probably don't believe me and because I believe in spreading suffering around, I'll give you a selection. You may picture Nicky using whatever silly voice you like to get through this.

“Maintain your loyalty mark application sites and make use of the enforcement facilitators. But, effective immediately, do not execute Jews discovered without the mark. I want them imprisoned and suffering. Use existing facilities now but build new centers as soon as possible. They need not be fancy or have any amenities. Just make them secure. Be creative, and share with each other your ideas. Ideally, these people should either long to change their minds or long to die. Do not allow that luxury.
“They will find few remaining Judah-ites to sympathize with them. They will be alone and as lonely as they have ever been, even though their cell mates will be fellow Jews. There are no limits on the degradation I am asking, requiring, you to inflict. No clothes, no heat, no cooling, no medicine. Just enough food to keep them alive for another day of suffering.
“I want reports, gentlemen. Pictures, accounts, descriptions, recordings. These people will wish they had opted for the guillotine. We will televise your best, most inventive ideas. From time immemorial these dogs have claimed the title to ‘God’s chosen people.’ Well, they have met their god now. I have chosen them, all right. And they will not find even death a place they can hide.

Like I said, this speech is mostly this: Nicky ranting about Jews to such an extent that even the most vitriol-filled Neo-Nazi would be like, "Dude, turn it down a notch."

Vicki's group meanwhile is praying for Tanya and her group. Oh and we get this statement which should make everyone headdesk.

Vicki told him. “It sounds like he’s into some weird theology. From what she said, her dad uses the Bible like some kind of code-book. He has them all believing everything’s going to be okay as soon as the final battle ends.”

Just as you can't claim that God loves us when he's doing his damnedest to prove otherwise, you can't criticize a character for using the Bible like a codebook when that's all your good characters do. Remember all that stuff Jesus said about turning the other cheek and sharing the wealth only applies to when he establishes his kingdom on Earth. Also, the seven letter to the seven churches that begins the Book of Revelation...that actually doesn't refer to actual churches around during John's time but to seven ages. I could go on and on about this point but I think I've made it clear.

I thought about throwing in a third chapter but for once, I think this snark is long enough with just two. I never thought I'd stop doing three-chapter-snarks yet here we are.

Baddy McEvilpants

I have to give a warning: after the epic pig ride, this week's probably going to be a let down in terms of snark. Kind of hard to top the epic pig ride when it comes to snark; heck, the epic pig ride pretty much snarks itself.

I think I finally remember who the hell Daniel is, not that many of you really care. Apparently Daniel Yossef (yes, another Jewy McJew name) was an Orthodox Jew (because there are no other kinds of Jews) who was like "I'll believe all this when I see it." And then he was killed by Nicky on live TV with the whole world watching and nobody but the RTCs care. Because all other religions apparently think murder is A-Okay. It also mentions that he was Sam's friend but given that this is the first we hear about this relationship...yeah, I'm understandably skeptical.

But anyway, let's get on with it.

Thousands had gathered to watch Nicolae’s every move. Many supported him, flocking outside the temple like it was some sporting event. But Carpathia’s words and actions repulsed followers of Jesus Christ and Orthodox Jews. Lionel had heard how cold-blooded Nicolae could be, but he never dreamed the man would kill in front of a live camera. Lionel couldn’t understand why anyone would follow this evil man.

This is a classic example of what the Turkey City Lexicon calls a "Signal From Fred." For those too lazy to click on the link, a "Signal from Fred" is when the author makes subconscious critical comments about the lack of quality in their work. For example, saying something like "this sounds like a bad movie." Here, Ellanjay are subconsciously admitting that they've given no good reason for why everyone in the world worships and follows Nicky Hindu Kush. It might work if they claimed that everyone was afraid of him (though you can only coast so far on that), but no, Ellanjay claims that everyone loves him.

Sam wonders to Lionel if Daniel accepted Christ before he died. Me, I'm like "Hello, don't all Christians get the Super Special Awesome Invisible Marks?" But Continuity must have done something terrible to Ellanjay when they were kids because they sure hate it a lot.

Oh, and I've got to apologize. I thought Micah, whom I dubbed "That Guy," was the literal prophet, but apparently it's just what Chaim Rosenzweig is calling himself. I'm not sure if that makes the scenario better or worse. I lean towards better because at least a perfectly good minor prophet's name isn't defiled by appearing in this novel, but...yeah, file this under flummoxed.

Apparently David Hayseed still works for the GC because he's able to hack GC TV so he can have Chaim (I refuse to call him "Micah." I just refuse.) give his two cents about Nicky's desecration.

“As Carpathia continues,” Dr. Rosenzweig said, “you should be able to see the laver where the priests wash their hands before they approach the main altar. The temple was creatively placed over a series of underground waterways where gravity allows constant water pressure for the various cleansings. Of course, he has no business in this place, and even a ceremonial washing of his hands will not exonerate him for defiling it.”

So the epic pig ride wasn't the defiling part, it was the murder? Then why have the epic pig ride in the first place? It did nothing to help Nicky's already laughable reputation. As said before, wet cardboard painted lime-green and hot-pink would be more intimidating than Nicky.

But as Nicky washes, his hands turn all bloody. But of course, only RTCs are shocked by it.

The Jews in the temple are all "Oy Vey!"* about Nicky defiling it through murder. Nicky's all "Leave before I kill you to death!" and the Jews do. Before you criticize their cowardice, they do grumble under their breath as they do, so clearly they are as brave as the Tribbles who bravely do nothing to stop the antichrist.

Chaim continued, contrasting Carpathia’s rantings with the way God had displayed his glory. “God appeared to Moses on Mount Sinai when the Ten Commandments were handed down. He appeared again when Moses dedicated the Tent of God. And finally he showed himself at the dedication of Solomon’s Temple on this very site. Should God choose, he could reveal himself even today and crush under his foot this evil enemy. But he has an eternal plan, and Antichrist is merely a bit player. Though Antichrist has been granted power to work his horror throughout the world for a time, he shall come to a bitter end that has already been decided.”

Need I remind you that they're explicitly saying that God is responsible for massive amounts of suffering yet he's supposed to be the hero of this book? And you wonder why I grind my teeth so much.

Once again, I'm skipping Vicki's part because nothing happens.

Sam, having not completely drunk the Flavor-Aid, wants to do something to stop Nicky from desecrating the temple. In the middle of all this, we get this headdesker of a statement.

Sam finally stood, his face streaked with tears. “We’ll never know if Daniel truly believed in God or not. Carpathia took his life in front of all these people and we’re not doing anything.”

Am I the only one who remembers the Super Special Awesome Invisible Zod-marks?

Oh and Nicky's going to sacrifice the pig he rode.

Next chapter, well I'm going to let this speak for itself.

The holy men cried out, tearing their robes as Nicolae approached the huge pig. In the street, the animal had been slow and seemed drugged. Now it was thrashing around, squealing, and straining at the ropes. Two men struggled to hold it as Nicolae laughed.

He jumped at the animal and slipped, the pig dodging him. “Want to play?” Nicolae howled. Then he leapt onto the pig’s back, sending the animal to its knees. For the next few seconds the pig tried to knock Nicolae off, but it was no use. Finally, Carpathia plunged his knife into the animal’s throat.

Nicolae fell to the ground, a flood of blood soaking his clothes. The pig went wild, thrashing and pulling its handlers. As the blood flow slowed, the pig fell and Nicolae cupped his hands under its neck. Lionel had to look away. The crying and wailing of the holy men reached a crescendo and one priest screamed, “He has thrown the animal’s blood on the altar!”

Sorry for the quote but there are times in which Ellanjay's own words speak so much more powerfully than any snark I could ever give. I have to remind you that Ellanjay intend for us to take this seriously, to see this scene as one of horror.

Sam wants to witness to the crowd, being all "They need to hear the truth." But he's drowned out by the crowd. Oh and I offer yet another quote as we hear more about Nicky's impeccable fashion sense.

Carpathia washed off the blood and dried himself. Someone off camera handed him the shimmering white robe, silver sash, and gold sandals he had worn the day before.

After getting dressed, he places his statue in the temple. The crowd goes nuts and a riot ensues. Nicky's all "I'm taking back my seven-year peace treaty" and Chaim tries to convert the crowd to the Tribbles' ethos of doing nothing.

Carpathia swung the microphone to his lips. “That is right! You will rue the day when you dared—” “
You!” Chaim roared and pointed at Nicolae. “You shall let God’s chosen ones depart before his curse is lifted, lest you face a worse plague in its place.”
“I have always been willing to listen to reasonable men,” Carpathia said. “I will be at the Knesset, available to negotiate or to answer honest inquiries from my subjects.”

I can't be the only one who notices that Nicky goes from being "Bwaah! Bwaah!" back to being Peacey McPeace-Peace within a few lines. That is grade-A bullshit.

The chapter ends with Chaim giving a wordier, much less cool version of Gandalf's "Fly you fools!" line as he tells them all how to get to Petra, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ANTICHRIST WHO'S DETERMINED TO KILL THEM ALL!

*Yeah, I'm exaggerating there but not by much.

If you're wondering about the title, it's because Nicky has become so cartoonishly evil, he might as well be named "Baddy McEvilpants."

It's Finally Here: The Epic Pig-Riding Scene

Oh man, oh man, oh man...y'know I'd heard about it but hearing about isn't really the same as reading it for yourself.

I'm talking, of course, about the pig-riding scene. Yes, dear readers, we're finally here.

Not much really happens at first, just Judd standing around and talking. Oh and Viv Ivins makes her first appearance.

But about the pig-riding...it is single-handedly the stupidest thing I'd ever heard, so stupid that it comes right around and becomes awesome. It's stupid-awesome. In fact, it's so stupidly awesome that I regret the book rushes through it. C'mon, Ellanjay, throw me a bone here! But still I feel the need to put appropriately epic music here.

Besides, the whole pig-riding thing just raises so many questions. They say the pig is drugged so it'll accept Nicky as a rider, but drugging animals from what I can see tends to make them trip out rather than suddenly become able to ride. But the biggest question is how the hell did he make a pig big enough to ride in the first place? I know pigs can grow to be really big, but I've never seen one the size of a mule or horse, with nostrils the size of one's fists. Pigs as a general rule are made for eating not for riding. So I have to know: how long has Nicky been planning the Epic Pig Ride? Did he have some kind of evil GMO organization that's devoted years to breeding a pig for this very purpose? Someone write fanfiction for this, because there are just too many unanswered questions begging for answers.

Judd watched in fascination and revulsion as the pig walked a few more steps and stopped. A leather saddle was fastened around its middle, complete with stirrups. The animal seemed woozy, unaware of the crowd’s whooping and yelling. Though GC handlers had scrubbed the pig clean, the stench almost took Judd’s breath away.

In addition to fanfiction, I really want fanart of this pig-riding scene. Put a little shriner's hat on Nicky and the pig. Words cannot convey just how rich this scene is. Though I've got to be pedantic here. If they've scrubbed the pig clean, there shouldn't be much of a stench. Despite their reputation, pigs are actually fairly clean animals, hygiene-wise. Yes, they wallow in mud but only because they have to cool off somehow (no sweat glands) and even baby pigs will have one spot where they make waste and they won't wallow in that.

“Why wouldn’t they use a horse?” Lionel said.
“He’s putting all religions in their place,” Sam said, “especially Jewish and Christian religions.”
“That’s right. Jews don’t eat pigs,” Lionel said. “And since Christianity comes out of the Jewish faith, Carpathia offends two groups with one ride.”

Yeah, I get how this is supposed to offend Jews (Don't eat Pork/Not Even with a Fork) but the only Christian sect in these novels liable to be offended are the Seventh Day Adventists. And isn't there another faith that considers pigs taboo, something that starts with Is and ends with lam? Or is this a repeat of the old rule that every other faith is just an attempt to deny that Jesus is Lord except for the Jews who will convert or die and burn in hell at the End of Days?

So Fortunado is still itchy and is all "Behold the Lamb that takes away the sins of the World!" And everyone is bowing before him save for our brave RTCs, of course. I'm surprised, given what cowards the Tribbles are, that they didn't just bow and say that in their hearts they bow to Jesus, like they usually do in these kinds of situations.

But Hattie Durham, not having sipped the flavor-aid, defies the Tribbles' ethos of doing nothing by doing something. She stands up and basically calls Nicky out.

“Woe unto you who would take the place of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” the woman continued. “You shall not prevail against the God of heaven!”

As you guessed, since Hattie is the great Butt Monkey of Babylon, it doesn't end well.

Hattie Durham didn’t have time to react. She burst into flames and Judd fell to the ground, shaking, screaming, scared out of his mind. Sam and Lionel huddled close, their eyes covered. Judd wondered if they would be next. Judd peeked at Hattie once more and saw fire engulfing her body. She seemed to melt in the white-hot heat, her body shrinking to the ground. The sun appeared again, chasing the darkness. A soft breeze blew Hattie over, and Judd noticed her shadow imprinted on the ground.

I have to give credit: not a bad scene here. It is hurt by the fact that Zod, in these novels, has already slain billions of people in much more gruesome ways than Nicky and remember Zod is supposed to be the hero of these novels. It's also hurt by the fact that of course, the Butt Monkey of Babylon would be the one actually martyred for the faith because we've gotta show how eeevil the bad guys are without letting anyone important really suffer.

Okay, confession time, there has been some stuff on Vicki's end. I've fast-forwarded through much of it, because compared with pig-riding it's really dull; all it is talking. Basically they talk about sending Manny (the guy who became a believer in prison) to deal with the whole Claudia subplot. That out of the way, onto the second chapter.

It's freaking dull with them talking about what we've already witnessed. But then, Nicky makes another speech.

“I was never entombed!” Carpathia began. “I lay in state for three days for the world to see. Someone was said to have risen from this spot, but where is he? Did you ever see him? If he was God, why is he not still here? Some would have you believe it was he behind the disappearances that so crippled our world. What kind of a God would do that?”

Raise your hand if, despite all the Bwaah! Bwaah! talk, Nicky's made more cogent points than the RTCs. Again, if Satan wants to recruit people for his war against Heaven, just say, "God's the one who took your children, killed people in earthquakes and repeated bombardments, poisoned your water, and stung you with locusts." Present proof and see what side more sane people would choose. Remember Zod and TurboJesus are supposed to be the heroes of this novel according to Ellanjay.

After Nicky's speech, people line up in droves to get Marked and bow before a golden statue of Nicky. And that's all that happens in the second chapter. To supplement this snark, I'll add a third one.

It turns out the reason Leon Fortunado is so itchy is not because of an STD, but because a plague of boils is breaking out on anyone who bows towards the statue or accepts the Mark.

But guess what? Yet another prophet has come, one calling himself Micah. :grinds teeth: Because the GT weren't irritating enough we've gotta suffer through a sequel appearance.

I'm going to assume just as the GT were supposed to be the literal Moses and Elijah, this is supposed to be the literal Micah as in the guy the book is named after. Something tells me the most famous verse of Micah won't be quoted by this prophet. For those of you who don't know the most famous verse, it's Micah 6:8.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

Hard to square that verse with TurboJesus isn't it? Since when have any of the characters ever walked humbly in their life? Certainly not St. Rayford or Our Buck. And TurboJesus doesn't seem to have much love for mercy. But then again, Micah, like most of the prophets was about Islamocommiefascist bullshit like the social gospel so we probably shouldn't pay too much attention to what his book actually says. Besides beating swords into plowshares would put Lockheed Martin and many others out of business.

The GC try to do the sensible thing and shot That Guy (I refuse to call him "Micah") but they are paralyzed and unable to.

Nicky approaches That Guy.

After one of Carpathia’s troops fell to the ground scratching and writhing in pain, Carpathia said, “I concede I have you to thank for the fact that nearly my entire workforce is suffering this morning.”
“Probably all of them,” Micah said.
“If they are not, you might want to check the authenticity of their marks.”
“How did you do it?”
“Not I, but God.”
“You are looking into the face of god,” Carpathia said.
“On the contrary, I fear God. I do not fear you.”

:grinds teeth even harder: I feel like Fred MacIntire* at the Hell House. Note how there's not a single word in here about love or anything approaching that. I know I keep using the abusive father analogy a lot but Ellanjay really give me no choice but to do so. I'm going to quote from John 10:11-17 as a palate cleanser.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. 13 The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. 17 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

Note how in this little parable Jesus is dishing out there's a difference between the good guy and the bad guy. In Ellanjay's fiction, the only difference between Jesus and Satan is that Satan tries to murder all his enemies but fails. Jesus succeeds.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Nicky's all "What would it take for 'God' to lift this spell?" That Guy responds by saying, "Let the Israelis go!" Nicky is all "Never!"

So That Guy decides to preach a sermon. I'm going to have ground my teeth into powder by the time this chapter's over, aren't I?

“Citizens!” Micah said in a clear voice. “Hear me! You who have not taken the mark of loyalty! There may still be time to choose to obey the one true and living God! While the evil ruler of this world promises peace, there is no peace! While he promises benevolence and prosperity, look at your world! Everyone who has preceded you in taking the mark and worshiping the image of the man of sin now suffers with grievous sores. That is your lot if you follow him.

Just as you can't have an anti-gun moral in a story where guns are used to solve all your problems, you can't proclaim God loves you when he's doing his damndest to prove otherwise! It just doesn't work that way!

That Guy does the "Sin separates you from God!" spiel and then quotes Ephesians 2:8-9, which is about how good works won't save you, conveniently leaving off verse 10 which says this:

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do

Funny how RTCs always seem to forget that little verse, isn't it?

That Guy then does something that makes me headdesk as oppose to grinding my teeth. He actually announces, in front of the anti-Christ himself, where the sacred city is so that Christians might find refuge. Of course, I know nothing will come of this because of the dense plot armor everyone wears but still.

Nicky then rants and raves some more but this snark is raising my blood pressure enough as is, so forgive me if I don't go into detail. For those of you curious, it's basically more Bwaah! Bwaah! talk. The only way Nicky could be more obviously evil would be if his head was spinning around and he was vomiting pea soup.

Nicky then asks this guy Daniel, whom I've completely forgotten about and thus don't care about, to shoot That Guy. Daniel refuses and Nicky shoots him and that's where I'll end the snark. Sorry to be so ranty and not funny but buttons were pushed.


*Another shameless plug: If you don't read the webcomic Something Positive, you really should. Yeah a lot of its humor is Black Humor, but it also manages to be surprisingly touching at times.

The GT are Dead!

Sorry sorry to be so late with the post. Combination of family get-together and migraines. That out of the way, let's get to work.

As predicted, Ellanjay can't even create a decent strawman for his characters to knock over. I know we're all supposed to tremble before Nicky and root for him to be slaughtered by TurboJesus, but the trouble is he doesn't come across as the least bit menacing. Nicky's essentially a stuffed shirt. It also really doesn't help that the book actually refers to him as "the meanest man on the face of the earth." I can't be the only one laughing derisively at that. It sounds like an insult someone in Elementary school would use. I suppose I should be grateful they didn't call him a "big meanie bo feanie."

Is there any explanation for why the Gruesome Twosome suddenly lose their fire-breathing mojo or is this another case of "because prophecy that's why!"

For those of you who are curious, Judd is witnessing this firsthand, as Vicki and the rest of the YTF watch on TV.

“You have plagued the world with your magic for too long,” Carpathia said to the witnesses. “You have boasted about the suffering you have caused.”
“That’s not true,” Conrad said.

Actually, Conrad, it is. I can point to several passages where the GT boast about this being the reward of those who don't fall on their knees and thank Zod for beating them into submission. I am totally on Team Nicky here simply because there are no better options.

But Nicky loses all the respect I've given him, by acting all petulant, rather than just shooting them and being done with it.

“I proclaimed this area off-limits to you two years ago! Why are you still here? You must leave or be arrested! In fact, did I not say that if you were seen in public anywhere after the meeting of the cultists that you would be executed?”

Uh, Nicky if you proclaimed this area off-limits two years ago, then why the hell did you not do anything? Like say drop a cruise missle on them as they preached. I wonder if their fire-breathing mojo would protect against that. In the very least, you could have gotten your world-wide media to stop broadcasting their rantings to the world.

Lionel bent beside Judd and whispered, “He knows.”
“What do you mean?” Judd said.
“I think Carpathia’s been studying. He knows the prophecy says he’s going to win this round.”

Again, if Nicky's been reading up on this convoluted prophecy, surely he realizes that he gets punted in the end. Of course then again, does Ellanjay ever answer whether Nicky even has free will or if he can only play the role Zod gave him, even though he'll be smited in the end for doing so.

But finally Nicky shoots the GT. And there is much rejoicing. I'm picturing it playing out like the ending to the 1973 version of Wicker Man.

But Judd is still worried about Kasim trying to assassinate Nicky for reasons I'm not quite sure. Why exactly can't Kasim have his crack at murdering Nicky given that it doesn't do anybody any good? The chapter ends with him going after him.

Second chapter, Vicki and the others are grieving the loss of the GT. But not for long; apparently the new hideout has a secret room stocked full of food and night vision goggles, so they get to work exploring, but worry not: they keep watching the news.

The only person who spoke about Peter was Carpathia himself. In an interview shortly after killing the two witnesses, Carpathia admitted that he was tired of the Enigma Babylon Faith and said it would not return. “Individual souls can find within themselves the deity necessary to conduct their lives as they wish. I esteem individual freedom over organized religion.”

So what purpose did the EBOWF plot serve? It went nowhere and did nothing and it was forgotten about pretty fast. Is there any reason why Nicky couldn't just set up worship of himself early on? Though you'd think they'd have Nicky value tolerance, the most eeevil of all virtues.

So the eeevil GC are celebrating the death of the GT by kicking the bodies and destroying effigies. Once again, I'm picturing the scene being like the ending to the Christopher Lee version of Wicker Man.

Lionel watches as two girls talk about snipping a piece of the GT's robes. But just as they are about to do so, the GT are raised.

A voice spoke so loud that people covered their ears. “COME UP HERE!”
Lionel noticed the music from a few blocks away had stopped. Everyone watched as Eli and Moishe slowly rose into the air. People fell on their knees and buried their faces. Others cried out in horror as the two disappeared into a cloud. The cloud moved higher and higher until it vanished.

Once again, we have irrefutable witness of an actual factual miracle. Now in a well-written book, this would cause world-wide soul-searching as people of all walks of faith debate the cause and nature of said event, but given what I've seen before, I have a feeling we're in for another "Freaky Event Occurs: Zod Not Involved" kind of response. I could also point out that if Zod can witness to people in a way that doesn't involve repeatedly killing them, then why not do so? Why not just make a worldwide announcement that "Tim LaHaye was totally right about everything and you should totally buy all his books."?

But shortly after the GT ascend into heaven, yet another earthquake breaks out. In a rare show of compassion among RTCs, Mr. Stein says, “We must help those who may be trapped.” But the book ends with Lionel wondering if Judd survived the quake.

And I'm afraid that's the end of my snarks for a bit. The next book is Unmasked but I still haven't found work, despite applying to just about every place imaginable, and I'm still utterly broke. I feel like an eBeggar.

I know, kids. I'm scared too.

[Krusty the Clown] Hey Hey! [/Krusty the Clown]

Before we begin, I like to get the bad news out of the way, because that's the kind of person I am. Giving bad news is like ripping off a bandaid: twere well it were done quickly. Anyway, here's the bad news: Tomorrow I will be on Residency until Thursday of the following week so there will be no new posts for a bit. This one will have to tide you over. If you get bored, you can write fanfiction where the YTF actually does stuff or (and this is my preference) more about the adventures of Taylor and Hasina as they travel the world doing battle with the forces of the GC and Zod.

So Samuel doesn't call the next day and naturally Judd suspects something's up. In well-written, well thought-out post-apocalyptic YA fiction, it wouldn't be too unusual not to hear from someone for a while and to spend hours wondering if they're okay because all these disasters would have reduced the infrastructure to shreds, but since this is Ellanjay...Yeah, I don't need to say any more, do I?

Lionel and Judd discuss whether they should look for them, wondering if it's a trap, when Nada volunteers to go searching for him. Judd's all "Your dad won't go for this," but Nada's like "We don't have to tell him," and while I know the band of plucky young kids disobeying their elders is a standard trope in YA lit, I'm rather surprised it shows up here. Aren't RTCs always getting in a snit about how Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the Harry Potter series are always disobeying the rules, but are rarely if ever punished? And yet it shows up here. My guess is this is the ghostwriter's contribution and for that I salute him. It can't be easy working for such lunkheads like Ellanjay and having to write book after book about a group of Elsie Dinsmore clones.

Nada says she's ready to go wherever Zod wants her and laughs at rumors that she and Judd are an item. Now to Vicki.

Now I know there's so very much wrong with the Left Behind Universe that if us heathen snarkers were to set aside jobs, families, free time, etc. to making a comprehensive wiki complete with examples of why nothing would happen the way Ellanjay says it would, we'd pretty much be sentenced to a Wandering Jew-like existence similar to that of our dear Fred Clark at Slacktivist, but very occasionally, they actually do something right and in an attempt to be a little less negative, I'll point them out. Besides, the moments where Ellanjay are right are like Halley's Comet: it won't come again for a long time, so you better appreciate them while they're here so you'll have something to tell the grandkids.

Basically, the stars dimming disaster is actually affecting stuff and Ellanjay actually talks about the stuff being affected. I know, I'm shocked too and more than just a little bit scared. I feel like Homer at the end of the episode "Bart's Comet."

Vicki had planned to keep up a Bible study but right now with it being so cold out, she's focused on keeping the people at the school alive. According to the news, the Midwest looks like Alaska in the dead of winter, all the animals at the Chicago area zoos have died except for the penguins and the polar bears, the homeless in the major metropolitan cities have frozen to death, and resorts along the beach have closed. I could point out that all this massive death and suffering should have happened before the dimming (Wormwood alone would have taken out everyone) but dammit! It's so unbelievably refreshing to see them finally acknowledging a massive death toll!

Frankly I couldn't help but wonder if the ghostwriter wrote most of this passage because I can't picture this level of basic craftsmenship coming from Jenkins or LaHaye. Ever since finding out that a ghostwriter worked on the series, I've wondering how the relationship between Ellanjay and ghostwriter played out. I would say Ellanjay gave him the checklist and said, "Knock yourself out," then just put their name to it afterwards, but there are too many of the trademark problems often seen in Ellanjay's works for that to be the case. I picture the three of them crowded around the keyboard, constantly pushing and shoving each other out of the way and this passage only happened because the ghostwriter slipped something in Ellanjay's drinks long enough to type this passage out before they regained consciousness and since Ellanjay doesn't believe in rereading what you've written, he was able to get away with it. All I can say is,"Bravo, brave ghostwriter." Your actions gave us the only decent passage in this entire series.

There is a weird mention in the bit about the homeless dying about how the shelters hadn't been staffed since Zod slaughtered raptured the Christians who ran them. I point this out because while I know a lot of the homeless shelters are run by Christian organizations, I find it strange that Ellanjay would mention this kind of thing. Aren't RTCs the type who believe in Social Darwinism (i.e. Poor people are poor because they're naturally inferior to rich people and therefore deserve to die in the gutter like God intended) and for the most part don't they consider any kind of charity that doesn't involve Gideon Bibles, handing out tracts, voting Republican, forwarding online applications to stop the War on Christmas, or giving money so [Insert Televangelist here] can have another yacht to better  "witness" to the poor heathens in [insert heathen country of choice here], a waste of time? After all, TurboJesus is going to come soon so why bother trying to clean up the environment or make the world a less painful place to live since TurboJesus will fix everything.

The news broadcast ends with Nicky Andes denouncing Token Jew and his followers and announcing that he's going to visit the Gruesome Twosome even though you'd think, since he controls the worldwide media, that he could just order the media to stop broadcasting their rantings, but that's crazy talk. :eyeroll:  Now back to Israel.

Judd's sneaking around, driving Nada to where she needs to go, while worrying about how her daddy, Jamal, will be pissed when he finds out. Since I already pointed out the whole "disobeying your elders" thing, I won't go into it again. But that's all that happens in Israel. :Yawn: Back to Vicki who currently has the only remotely compelling plotline going on.

Basically running the generator is using up more gasoline than they thought it would so Conrad suggests they only run it at night and burn wood to stay warm during the day. Naturally everyone, by which I mean Vicki, Conrad, and Mark (naturally none of the heathens were allowed to listen and decide), decide it's a good idea so they are :gasp: :choke: forced to use battery power on their laptop in order to see Nicky's visit the Gruesome Twosome at the Western Wall. But just as the visit begins, the laptop battery craps out, so Our Brave Heroes are unable to Bravely Watch the news. :gasps: The Apocalypse is worse than I could ever imagine! But it does turn out that the gas line froze almost immediately after they turned off the generator, so now the YTF can't even use it at night. I suppose some obsessive nerd* will point out how generators don't work that way while doing their best Morbo impersonation, but frankly, I'll allow it just so the Heroes Who Don't Do Anything will actually have to experience some discomfort as a result of the Apocalypse.

Now in Israel, Lionel is covering for Judd and Nada while he watches Nicky Bale visit with the Gruesome Twosome (GT) and as you guessed, Nicky comes across as sympathetic, while the GT sound like they have some kind of religion-related Tourette's Syndrome**. Basically, Nicky pleads with them, asking for help as men who claim to speak for God, begging to help him come to an agreement or compromise. Naturally, I suppose we're supposed to see this as proof of Nicky's duplicitousness, especially since he used the second most eeevil of all words, compromise, but like I said, he's the one who sounds sympathetic. As I've said before, he was created by Zod to be the anti-Christ and though he is essentially a robot unable to do anything except what he was programmed to do by Zod, he will still be punted straight to Hell where he'll suffer for all eternity for doing exactly what he was supposed to do.

Moist and Ellie aka Moishe and Eli basically say, "Your quarrel isn't with us," over and over again, ignoring and interrupting Nicky as he tries to talk to them. Rules of debate for RTCs: Apparently all it takes in order to crush your opponents in a debate is to make sure they can't get a word in edgewise. Heathens will claim that's proof of the weakness of your argument, but hey, they'll realize how right you were when the shit hits the fan and your sipping wine non-alcoholic grape juice with Jesus in Heaven, while they're burning in Hell.

Moist and Ellie accuse him of denying the one true God, which they refer to as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I guess Ellanjay put that line in there, so they can pat themselves on the back for realizing that Jewish people hold Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in high esteem, but since I can't help but be contrary, I find myself wondering if by that requirement (in other words, worshipping the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), does that mean by Ellanjay's own admission that those inscrutable Jews and Islamo-commie-fascist Muslims will get into Heaven? After all, I'm fairly certain the Jews and the Muslims both worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Nicky's response to the God of Abraham bit is to sputter something about tolerance, thus proving how eeevil he is, because if compromise is the second most eeevil word, tolerance is the number one most eeevil word. But Moist is onto him and responds by saying that, "There is one God and one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus." Once again, I find myself wondering if this means that the Muslims will get in because they believe in Jesus, right? Not in the same way that the RTCs do, but they'd probably have no problem with describing Jesus as a mediator between man and God.

Nicky Himalayas's response actually seems justified given that he came to talk to these so-called men of God and all they've done is dick around with him. Word of advice to aspiring writers: if you want to write about prophets, read some of the great Biblical prophets or if you're allergic to the Old Testament, try reading Stephen's sermon before the Sanhedrin or the Book of James. Prophets should come across as wise, a little crazy (though not a lot crazy), and otherworldly, not like a bunch of mental patients who chewed through the leather straps and somehow wound up in front of one of the most revered religious monuments. Anyway, here's the Prince of Darkness's response:

"So, that is it, then? Before the eyes of the world, you refuse to talk? All I get is that my quarrel is not with you? With whom, then, is it? All right, fine!"

Am I the only one who feels actually sorry for Nicky Amaro? I mean, he's actually asking for answers yet the GT aren't going to even try to save his soul, even though he's currently killed fewer people than the God they claim to worship. Poor Nicky never even had a chance...I really feel sorry for him.

Nicky then announces that the death of the GC guard was not the responsibility of any of the witnesses at the meeting and goes on to say that anyone who follows the teachings of Token Jew is now considered a fugitive or an enemy of the GC, but everyone else is free to live their lives and travel as they see fit. I know, again, we're supposed to find Nicky eeevil for persecuting the good RTCs, but I think Ellanjay's only objection really is that he's persecuting the wrong people, not that he's persecuting, period. Do you think if Token Jew was in charge he'd allow all the heathens, which includes anyone who doesn't believe in the word of God as laid out by God's Own Prophet, to practice their faith and live in peace? Once again, I feel a need to remind those who aren't history buffs that while Spain was going through the Inquisition, persecuting Muslims, Jews, and anyone who disagreed with the teachings of the Catholic Church, the Ottoman Empire, run by Islamo-Commie-Fascists, allowed Jews to live and practice their faith in peace. Nicky then makes this statement:

"I do not know with whom I am or should be talking but I stand willing to do whatever it takes to end this plague of darkness."

Now in a well-written novel, this would be the kind of statement uttered by the hero as he prepares to do battle with the forces of evil threatening his people, but remember, Ellanjay thinks the oh-so-holy checklist and all the deaths that'll happen as a result of the checklist is a good thing. These good Christian men are salivating over the deaths of innocent people and think that anyone who tentatively says that all these deaths are a bad thing or tries to stop it, is on the side of Satan. If the Holy Checklist had called for planes to hit the World Trade Centers, they would have danced in the streets with the Palestinians on September 11th.

Nada goes up to Samuel's house, only for the door to open and someone to grab her and drag her inside. Now, naturally this sort of thing normally wouldn't play out well for a teenage girl in real life, but I have a feeling nothing will come of this because nothing ever comes of anything in these books. As you guessed, Judd just sits there all gormless as Nada is dragged into the house, not bothering to freak out or go after here or do anything. Our Hero, folks...

The chapter ends with Vicki and the other kids at the school huddling together to get warm. They pray before going to sleep with Melinda asking the question that's probably on everyone's mind: "Are we going to die?"

And that's it until after Residency. I feel a little guilty in that I only gave y'all one chapter to tide you over until then, but given how long this post is, I'm sure I've provided enough fodder for you to discuss until then. :grins: Now in the words of Edward Murrow, good night and good luck.

*Don't take the obsessive nerd remark as a slam against any of you all. I'm in no position to judge anyone for believing an obsessive nerd given that I'm still hacking my way through these terrible, terrible books.

**Just in case any Tourette's sufferers are out there, know that my remark was intended more as a slam against Ellanjay rather than a slam against any of y'all. I'm sure Tourette's is like any mental illness in that you have to deal with idiots thinking they're an expert because they saw that one movie and judging you as a result; in other words, it sucks. It really, really sucks.