Sunday, August 28, 2011


Just thought I'd warn the easily offended I might get sweary again. Again, if you are easily offended, first of all, what are you doing reading my blog, and second of all, just scroll down past the sweary parts.

Our first chapter begins with a headdesk-worthy moment to top all headdesk-worthy moments.

So as you recall from the previous snark, the NWO have Judd, along with the documents that were in the safe that he was after, and they don't lay a fucking hand on him despite his long history of making traitorous statements against the NWO. This is making Chloe's torture look like Abu Ghraib. Basically all they do is threaten to send him off for reeducation, rather than torturing the living hell out of him to try to force him to name others or executing him or both. These NWO goons make the Psychlos from Battlefield Earth seem competent in comparison. Hell, even a villain from Power Rangers could make better use of this situation.

Lionel meanwhile is still in the child soldier camp and Vicki, the dumb broad, decides to reprint the Underground. No, mommy, no! Make the bad men stop with that overplayed plot device! But she gets caught by the eeevil Principal Jenness.

The next section begins promisingly.

For a whole week the Global Community tried to uncover more information from Judd, but he kept silent.

We would expect to hear about all the various tortures he endured, but of course, there's no details that follow and we are forced to conclude that the GC just asked him nicely. I see it going like this.

GC Goon: C'mon tell us already...
Judd: No.
GC Goon: I'll be your friend
Judd: No.
GC Goon: Aw...You're mean.

But we see Taylor Graham again. Unlike Judd he looks beaten up. They talk a little about how they wish they had the secret documents and how they can't clear Mrs. Stahley's name without them as though the NWO, when presented with said evidence, would just throw up their hands and say, "Okay you can go free," as opposed to say, inventing new charges against her or something like that. Basically now they're going to a Level Five Facility which is the Maximum level so maybe, just maybe, we'll see our protag actually suffer but I wouldn't bet the farm on that one.

So both Vicki and Judd are in the process of being transported, Ryan is at home being looked after by Zod-Only-Knows-Who because Judd's in prison, Vicki's being transported, and Lionel's in the child soldier training camp, so obviously no one's looking after him, when the quake hits. [starts to jump in her seat] Yes! Yes! Finally something exciting happens! But something tells me Ellanjay will screw this up somehow.

Second Chapter, the eeevil Mrs. Jenness is freaking out like any sane person would as the quake hits and the bridge collapses. Our Compassionate Heroine, seeing a chance to escape, considers leaving her but decides not to. This is supposed to be a sign of her virtue, but apparently we're supposed to throw a parade every time the characters act compassionate.

Meanwhile Judd and Taylor are thrown from the van into a ditch. Lionel saves Conrad from a collapsing porch. Ryan is trapped as the house collapses around him and Chaya, whom I'm sure you've all forgotten about, was at her old house getting a keepsake of her mother's, trying to talk to her father about Jesus when the quake hits and she is pinned under debris. Darrion meanwhile, hides in the basement of a congregation member's.

This Earthquake sequence actually isn't that bad because stuff is actually happening, even if it is a little tedious to have to read the same exact event from every single protagonist in the story.

I thought about adding a third chapter, but I think I've done enough for this week. Hmm...That was less sweary than I thought. Maybe I shouldn't make promises I can't deliver on.


Firedrake said...

Effete liberals are anti-torture, therefore Real True Christians must be pro-torture. Or something.

Apocalypse Review said...

I knew it. I knew L&J were just going to have Judd get a ~stern~talking-to~ and leave the unimportant folks to actually get beaten up. Sheesh.

No wonder the Young Tribbles get cocky about stuff, if they're written that way.

Ruby said...

Considering that the merciless torture of Chloe by the GC involved 1) only giving her health bars to eat and 2) leaving the news on all night, I am more than confident that even lame-ass Judd could survive for a week of it.

Hidden_urchin said...

Well, if it were FOX News than maybe it would qualify as torture.

Apocalypse Review said...

I wouldn't want to write a torture scene, but if you go and read 1984 and read what Winston Smith went through - *that's* torture for sure.

The GC are pretty milquetoasty by comparison, and L&J should have just left it out and sent Chloe to the gulag.

*suddenly has idea for vignette*


The harsh slap on Judd's face woke him up. He blinked blearily at the intense light shining in his face.

The voice said, "One more time, kid. Where's your wife? And where're those kids you're taking care of?"

Judd spat, not surprised that flecks of red flew out of his mouth with some of the spittle.

Dimly, Judd saw someone's body shift, preparing for a punch, but the deeper voice stopped him. What he said chilled Judd to the bones.

"Send him to Ravencroft."

Judd wanted to scream. He'd heard stories about that hellhole in the northern reaches of Canada. Until now, he'd never known if the GC monitors just told those stories to frighten people, but now he knew the truth.

The blow on his head sent him back to oblivion. His next greeting to the waking world involved icy cold water being splashed on him and a rough voice bellowing at him to get off the concrete floor of the interrogation chamber at Ravencroft.

aunursa said...

So both Vicki and Judd are in the process of being transported, Ryan is at home being looked after by Zod-Only-Knows-Who because Judd's in prison, Vicki's being transported, and Lionel's in the child soldier training camp, so obviously no one's looking after him, when the quake hits.

What an opportunity lost. A cataclismic earthquake and THIS is all that they can come up with?

For instance, in the military spinoff series written by Mel Odom, at the very moment of the Rapture, one of the characters is falling from a 30 foot high rooftop. As his companion who desperately tried to rescue him watches in horror, he vanishes about ten feet from the ground, his clothing slowly fluttering to the ground.

Mouse said...

Thank you for that brief vignette, Apocalypse Review. I almost actually felt something besides hatred for Judd.

Ivan said...

@aunursa: Not quite feeling the awesomeness of that passage quite yet, but it does bring up something interesting: From the give-or-take one billion people that get raptured (counting all the children), odds are a number of them were dying. Perhaps they were falling, or bleeding to death, or coughing their last breath due to malaria. Then they end up in heaven. Would they notice they got raptured? They were dying, now they're in heaven. Would that falling guy even realize he didn't hit the ground? What difference would it have made if he did? An interesting discussion about being Rapture vs dying, which means L&J probably won't put it in (and I doubt they'd give permission to a spinoff if those writers did).

aunursa said...

Not saying it's awesome, but at least it's an improvement over Jerry Jenkins.

Would they notice they got raptured? They were dying, now they're in heaven. Would that falling guy even realize he didn't hit the ground?

According to Prequel #3, Irene and Raymie are conscious of everything that is happening to them...

For an instant [after she had awakened to the calling of her name], Irene Steele had lain terrified, but before she could move even an inch, she heard a loud trumpet blast and felt transported out of her bed, passing through the ceiling, the attic, the roof, and into the dark night sky. Strangely, though she had left her jewelry and nightgown, she did not feel naked, nor was she cold. Not for a second did she believe this was a dream or anything other than real. She was more in the moment than she had ever been in her life.

And there was Raymie, right next to her, as they soared.

"Is this it, Mom? Is this it? Somebody shouted my name!"

She could see clearly, even in the dark, and as they rose Irene saw millions rising with them from horizon to horizon. Oh, praise God! She would soon see Jesus!

The Rapture, pp 176-177

aunursa said...

Oops, I misread your post. The passage I cited doesn't specify about those raptured who were at the point of death. However this and other passages (in Book #12) indicate that anyone with any injury or affliction is immediately healed. (E.g. A quadraplegic is seen dancing in heaven.) So presumably, those at the point of death would be immediately healed at the precise moment of the Rapture and would be conscious of their experience.

Mouse said...

Re:Rapture Passage:

Wouldn't Raymie be horribly horribly embarrassed to see his mother naked?

aunursa said...

The initial post-rapture passages don't specifically indicate whether the saved are clothed or naked. I can only speculate that LaHaye would respond either...

(a) that the perfect spiritual bodies that have replaced their sinful physical bodies come complete with robes, sandals, etc.


(b) that they were cured of the shame that Adam and Eve bore as a result of the original sin. (Gen 3:6-13) This option is supported by a later passage:

As she sat thrilling to the fire and the awarding of crowns to believers ... she realized that she had lost her fear of shame. Irene was no longer worried about being humiliated in front of others because of her sin. What God seemed to be implanting in her mind ... was that this was not a sin judgment.

Ivan said...

Ah, Irene is indeed a proper RTC, thrilled about seeing Jesus, and not giving a thought about her husband and daughter.

I suppose it's to be expected that L&J, if asked, would say that of course being raptured feels totally different from dying. They're nothing alike after all. Just that you cease to exist on the physical world and are now in the afterlife, that's all.

PS, I call BS on the "Not for a second did she believe this was a dream or anything other than real." The Rapture Ready forum has multiple post about people who thought the Rapture was happening, which they present as a funny little goof on their part. The formerly conservative blogger noted one that sounded really bad: A pilot that thought the Rapture was happening and describes letting go of the controls to welcome the Lord before realizing he's still in the cockpit. If that wasn't a Poe, he needs to be stripped of his license immediately, before there's a lightning bolt near his cockpit during take-off and landing. He'll be going to the afterlife either way if he lets go of the joystick to hug Zod, as will anyone else aboard the plane and any people at the end of the runway.

aunursa said...

not giving a thought about her husband and daughter

That's not entirely accurate. For example...

Irene shook her head, and the four of them huddled to pray. "I don't know what comes next, Lord," Irene said, "but I know Rayford must endure difficult days. Give him strength to resist the evil one, and bring him to Yourself, God.”
The Rapture, p 178

She could only imagine the chaos below. What Rayford and Chloe were thinking. Whether they were reunited. Were communication and travel impossible? How long would it take them to remember what she and Raymie had talked of, warned them about?
p 210

Someone-- had embedded into her new mind and body a deep sense of contentment and peace that told her she had no part in that which was to come as it related to Rayford and Chloe. Still she prayed for them and somehow believed without question that God knew best and that His will would be done.
p 211

The problem, which L&J don't address, is that these thoughts of unsaved loved ones contradict this...

Irene had read those words and heard them read, but what an unspeakable thrill to hear them from the very mouth of God. Their truth resounded and engulfed her. No more tears, death, sorrow, or pain. The former things had passed.
from Chapter 18

aunursa said...

I call BS on the "Not for a second did she believe this was a dream or anything other than real."

Your point relates to the fact that in that situation, a person can easily misinterpret sensory perception as evidence of the Rapture. But knowledge and belief are two different things. Our man Jenkins wrote that Irene BELIEVED that what she was experiencing was real; your point would be stronger if he had written that she KNEW that it was real.

aunursa said...

Your story reminds me of this old rumor...

Snopes: Skyway to Heaven

Mink said...

Is it just me, or does a lot more unpleasantness happen to the Young Tribbles than the Adult Tribbles?

I mean, one of them is in a child-soldier camp, some are being transportered to FEMA^H the NWO internment facilities, some in interrogation centers, one is... being grilled by her principal. Okay, missing one isn't that bad....

Apocalypse Review said...


I've heard it said another ghostwriter along with Jenkins was helping write these things, but it may also be that Jenkins is using the Kids series as a way to patch up the glaringly clunky treatment of certain issues in his "adult series" books - such as the treatment meted out to "unbelievers" by the Global Community's enforcement officers.

That said Judd's "torture" was hardly any worse than Chloe's, with the ~stern talking-to~ bit, which is unrealistic given that Judd is a repeat offender and, as the in-the-hands-of-a-better-writer refrain goes, would probably be shipped off to the gulag.

Mouse said...

In a previous snark, I mentioned that underneath the Ellanjay logo, they list another author: Chris Fabry. I googled him and he was indeed one of the writers of the kids books.

Evil Paul said...

So wait, is Lionel's being in the child soldier camp (pacifists use child soldiers? Whaaaa?) treated as a bad thing in and of itself, or bad because he's a child soldier on the wrong side?

Mau de Katt said...

"Is it just me, or does a lot more unpleasantness happen to the Young Tribbles than the Adult Tribbles?"

Easy. None of the kids are Author Self-Inserts. And RTCs are real strong on the whole "kids need DISCPLINING!!!" line, anyway.

Mau de Katt said...

There was a movie about 20 years ago called The Rapture which comes to my mind, reading this comments thread about Irene's reaction to the Ellanjay Rapture. It's an odd movie, and the version of Evangelical Christianity that it portrays has some very strange symbolisms, but generally speaking its portrayal of a Newly-Converted and Passionate RTChristian is pretty accurate, from what I remember.

But it's the ending of the movie that still haunts me, when the main character (because of some visions and/or dreams) goes off to a hilltop with her little daughter to await the Second Coming, orpbzrf znffviryl qvfvyyhfvbarq jura Wrfhf *qbrfa'g* erghea, naq gura xvyyf ure qnhtugre gb fraq ure gb Urnira evtug njnl.

And then the Four Horsemen pass her on the road as she's driving back, and after that the Rapture *does* happen.

The scenes in the jail cell, when Gabriel's horn is blowing, still give me shivers. While they are simply done, with minimal (and rather primitive) cinematography, they are still the most effective scenes I've ever run across in this genre.

After the hilltop
(Warning: this scene sums up the spoilers I ROT-13'd up there. However, the main character's reaction to everything that has happened belong perfectly in a real story about Ellanjay's version of God and the End Times.)

Gabriel's Horn