Know the Words, but Not the Music

The beginning isn't really worth noting--just Samuel walking around, talking to people as the flames don't hurt them--but we do get evidence that Ellanjay have heard of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

Mr. Stein grabbed Sam’s hands and danced in a circle. “You remember the story of the children of Israel in the fiery furnace?”
“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego,” Sam said.
“Yes. When the king looked into the fire, he saw four men instead of those three. The Lord was walking with them, giving them victory and safety.”

It's clear: Ellanjay know the words but not the music. I know you guys are probably getting tired of me pointing this out, but the tribbles repeatedly bow to Satan while claiming in their hearts, they bow to God. By that logic, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego could have just bowed to the statue of Nebuchadnezzar while claiming in their hearts, they bow to God, and remained free and clear in God's eyes just like the tribbles do.

The RTCs gathered in Petra are dancing and singing praises to Zod. But all is not well. Sam finds a boy with no Zod-mark who keeps scowling. Something tells me either said boy will be eventually given a name or he'll become one of the nameless off-screen damned. Either way, you must weep for the poor kid who, in his brief appearance, shows more clear-headedness and intelligence than all the RTC characters in the entire series.

The boy looked up, eyes wild like an animal’s. “I don’t understand. How can we be burning and still be alive?”
“It is the work of almighty God,” Sam said. “He has protected us.”
The boy stared. “Then why didn’t he protect my little brother and sister during the disappearances? Why didn’t he save my mother from the earthquake? Or my father from the poison gas?”
Sam tried to comfort him, but the boy stood. “I don’t want anything to do with a God like that,” he said angrily.
“Then why did you come here?” Sam said.
“Because I heard there might be answers. I listened to Micah in Masada, but he never talked about this!”
The boy wandered into the flames. Others without the mark cowered and wailed. Even with so much evidence of God’s power, some would simply not believe.

I could also point out that if the boy does surrender his identity to the collective and believes, he'll have to accept that his mom and dad are burning in Hell. I know y'all get tired of me bringing stuff like that up, but it needs to be said.

Token Jew then preaches but I'm afraid I can't find anything snarkable.

Last we left Our Brave Heroine, Vicki was captured by the Mountain Militia. Not much happens in her brief little section, just Vicki going "You can't keep me here!" and Tanya saying that their father won't let them leave the underground hidey-hole until Armageddon, which is three years away.

The chapter ends with the tribbles receiving news of this latest miracle and being surprised even though their own prophecy predicted exactly what would happen and you'd think they'd have it memorized by now and not be shocked. But anyway, I'll tell you what happens: water gushes like a geyser out of the Earth, extinguishing the flames. So onto the next chapter.

Chapter two, we finally meet Tanya's father, Cyrus Spivey, and we actually get some description as to what he looks like.

VICKI had wondered what Tanya’s father looked like. She pictured the man as tall with a commanding personality, someone others would follow into a hole in the ground and stay for three years. But this man wasn’t anything like that. He was short and round, with a squarish face and long sideburns. He wore a one-piece outfit that zipped up the front. Vicki gripped his pudgy fingers as he greeted her.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm totes picturing a redneck here.

Next section, is the American Branch reacting to the miracle. We do get some hint of potential drama as Mark threatens to kick Vicki out since she won't follow the rules. But I have a feeling he'll remember that Vicki's a main character and change his ways so it'll all come to nothing just like everything else in this series.

Judd and Lionel are still trapped at the hotel room, waiting for ex-Muslim, I mean Sabir to show up in his magical taxi cab and save them. Why did I call it "the magical taxi cab." Because somehow they believe once they get to the cab, they can totally get passed any kind of security checkpoint. The sad part is they're probably right given that the GC couldn't find their dick with two hands and a map.

Judd also receives a phone call from Chang telling them about the miracle in Petra and asking that they pray for believers in Greece. I'm going to assume that "the believers in Greece" line is another call back to the adult books, but I fail to see why I should care. I know nothing about the believers in Greece and therefore, have no stake in this. A good book stands on its own; you shouldn't have to read a bunch of auxiliary materials to understand what the hell is going on.

But horrors of horrors, the GC aren't completely stupid.

Judd punched in the call and heard Sabir’s voice. “I am at the front of the hotel. There are people lined up along the street to take the mark of Carpathia.”
“It would be suicide to come out the front,” Judd said. “There have to be side exits in a building this big.” “There are Peacekeepers and Morale Monitors at each exit.”
“Fire escape?” Judd said.
“Also guarded.”
Judd looked at Lionel. “We’re trapped. If we go out any exit, they’ll stop us.”
“Then we must pray,” Sabir said.

This would be suspenseful that is if we couldn't see a giant Deus ex Machina headed towards us off the port-valve because only Butt Monkeys like Hattie and Ryan suffer long-term consequences.

Meanwhile, Vicki walks around the Mountain Militia (MM) hideout. But horrors of horrors, Cyrus believes slightly different things about prophecy laid down by Scofield and Darby God!

“Petra’s been attacked?” Vicki said.
“It’s been wiped out along with everyone in it. The timetable is coming true. Armageddon can’t be more than a week or two away. A month tops.”
“But Dr. Ben-Judah said Petra was the place of refuge. Are you sure?”
Cyrus nodded. “God’s going to set up his kingdom with the faithful, and we’re going to be part of the 144,000. You’ll stay here until that comes true. If you want to become one of us, that’s fine. It’s your choice.”
Vicki’s mind reeled. If Petra had been bombed and the Jews and Judah-ites killed, Tsion was wrong.

So yeah, once again this Take That rings hollow seeing as the tribbles' beliefs have as much Biblical basis as Cyrus's.

Vicki tries to win some converts to the kingdom.

Vicki stood, but instead of following Tanya, she turned to the group’s leader. “I came here to help your daughter with food for her body as well as her soul. I believe you’re wrong about God and the timing of everything. In fact, I know you are. I’d like to tell you about him, and I’d like to see you get supplies. We’re not even close to Armageddon. It’s more than three years away. And I promise you, whether you believe what I’m going to tell you or not, I won’t tell the GC about this place. But you can’t keep me here. I have to get back to my friends and the others who are depending on me.”

And I know that I'm doing a lot of quotes in this post, but I've gotta share Cyrus's response.

Cyrus’s face flushed. “Are you finished?” Vicki nodded and he motioned at Tanya to take Vicki away. “In the Old Testament they stoned children for talking back to their parents. You’re not our child, but you’re under our roof now. We’ll decide what’s to be done.”

But this will probably like everything else, come to nothing.

But before we wrap up for this week, let's find out how Judd and Lionel escape. Is it stupid? You better believe it is.

Apparently though they prayed for God to save them, credit goes to Lionel who actually came up with the plan. His genius plan? Light a rolled-up newspaper and hold it to one of the sprinklers. When the sprinklers start and the alarm is triggered, escape during the commotion. The chapter ends on a cliffhanger so you'll have to wait until next week to discover if it works.

So Much Padding

Even though I don't love Leon Fortunado the way I do Z-Van, I understand why so many do. He's really too laughable to be taken seriously as the second Big Bad in this series, so I can see why so many snarkers have a bizarre affection for him. Why am I bringing this up? Because the chapter begins with Judd watching his speech on television. Again lesser books like The Hunger Games and Harry Potter have the protagonists actually doing stuff to try to defeat the Big Bad; LB readers have to settle for Exciting!TV!Watching!Action.

A massive choir, dressed in their finest robes, stood behind Fortunato as he stepped into the pulpit. Leon looked even stranger than usual, now wearing a flat-topped hat. His outfit seemed to try to incorporate sacred symbols from every religion.

Wait...I thought Nicky had now instituted worship of himself...what's with this every symbol from every religion? That sounds like the EBOWF.

Leon's speech is basically "Your grace period has ended; now everyone has to get the Mark or die." Oh and everyone has to bow three times a day to Nicky. I bet the tribbles are going to do the usual cop-out by bowing to Nicky but claiming that in their hearts, they bow to Zod. Again, you gotta wonder what Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego would have thought of such logic.

But Leon's broadcast is interrupted by an angel who quotes scripture. The angel basically says "You take the Mark; you go to Hell" and you gotta wonder why it doesn't just say so in plain English rather than using all the scripture. And once again we get proof that Zod is capable of witnessing to His people in a way that doesn't involve killing them horribly but chooses not to most of the time because he's a colossal dick.

I've fast-forwarded through much of this chapter. I know I should apologize but it's basically just the characters reacting to the angel appearing on television. Again, the padding for this series is terrible and I find myself wondering do all Christian Fiction writers have such a lack of care for their craft? Because as anyone will tell you, Christian Fiction is just about universally terrible. Oh and don't bring up Tolkien or C.S. Lewis as counter-examples. For all the problematic aspects in their works, they both show much more love of the craft than anyone working today. Besides I'd rather hear about examples that are still working and writing today than people who died in the sixties.

Vicki goes out in search of Tanya's underground base.

The chapter ends with Token Jew showing up in Petra and the sky massing with fighter planes. But since we know nothing can happen to Our Brave Heroes before the three and a half years are up, I have a feeling we're in for more padding as Zod smites the GC. Woo....

Vicki is still creeping around through the woods, trying to find Tanya. As you probably guessed, she gets captured by a member of the Mountain Militia and is taken away. Now that I've gotten the Vicki part out of the way, let's get on with the rest of the chapter which is mostly characters reacting and praying.

The GC are making a sweep of the hotel rooms and given that's where Lionel and Judd are currently, that presents a problem. Lionel gives Judd two baseball caps which they put on their heads, rationalizing that it would hide their foreheads so no one could see that they didn't have the Mark. Yeah, because a Satanic NWO is just going to take them at their word that they have the Mark. Then again, knowing how utterly the GC suck at being villains, this ruse would probably work. If you're wondering how they escape the GC dragnet, here's how:

Judd opened Westin’s suitcase and threw some clothes around the room. The bed rested on a huge, square platform so they couldn’t hide under it. Lionel agreed the closet was a last resort. In the tiny kitchen was an empty space underneath the counter. “Scrunch up in there beside the little refrigerator,” Judd said.
Lionel did. Judd walked from the door to the bedroom and noticed Lionel’s shoes sticking out.

They further camouflage themselves by setting up an ironing board with some clothes on it. And it totally fools the GC. Sweet Zod, the GC are morons! Every time I think they couldn't be stupider, they have to go and top themselves!

All Sam and Chang do is pray and because of the skimpiness of this snark, I'll throw in a third chapter.

As Judd and Lionel hid in the first chapter, the phone rang. The GC pick up the phone. Westin is one the other line and now the GC know to look for Judd and Lionel. They speed off. After they leave, Judd receives a phone call from Westin. Apparently Z-Van is going to Paris, not the states, and is demanding Westin fly him there. Why Westin is still alive and well remains a mystery. After all, Z-Van has taken the Mark. He is a hardened member of the Legion of the Damned. Why would he decide to show mercy to Westin who refuses to give in and get Marked? Westin should be getting guillotined.

Judd tells Westin he'll find another way back to the states. His part in this chapter ends with Judd deciding to call a cab driver. Probably the same one who got him to Jerusalem in the first place.

So the bombs hit Petra. Admittedly at first I was a little excited that something was actually happening, but that quickly dissipates as the bombs harm no one and the chapter ends with this:

Flames shot high above him. This was a lake of fire the likes of which the world had never seen.
Suddenly, a few yards ahead, Sam saw a robed man stepping over burning bodies. White, yellow, red, and orange flames burst from his beard, his hair, and his robe. The man’s face was on fire, but instead of his skin melting and being consumed, he kept walking, as if he were walking underwater wearing weighted boots.
Mr. Stein! Sam thought. Maybe this is what we must go through just before we reach heaven!
But it was not heaven. They were still in Petra.
“Samuel!” Mr. Stein called, using Sam’s full name. As he came closer, the man smiled.
“What happened?” Sam yelled over the noise of the deadly blaze.
“Deliverance,” Mr. Stein shouted. “The Lord has seen fit to deliver us, not by stopping the flames, but by walking through them with us!”

I'll admit the writing isn't too bad in this section. The description of the flames works but all this is affected by the fact that the YTF hadn't suffered in the slightest. They haven't been tortured, scarred,or starved. The only member of the YTF whose suffered long-term consequences is Ryan. This section could work great if they actually had suffered and were now wondering what was next, but like I said, they haven't. That's why the Revelation of John has served to comfort so many; the Christians of John's time had actually suffered for their beliefs (and I don't mean, having a cashier wish them "Happy Holidays" suffering) so it would be comforting to them to believe that this would all pay off, that Jesus would triumph o'er every foe. Again, all the great Christian martyrs are shaking their heads in dismay at the characters of this book.

Once again, Strawman has a point

So Vicki has dragged the black-haired girl into the hideout and now they're questioning her. In a rare show of competent writing, Ellanjay (or most likely, the Ghostwriter) give a description of this girl.

The girl was a little over five feet tall, with jet-black hair that hung down in clumps. She wore a dark, leather jacket and black jeans. Everything was dark about her except her skin, which was quite pale. She had a thin, cute face and brown eyes. Vicki couldn’t help thinking the girl looked like she could use a good meal.

Not bad but I've got to object to the height description. Unless they're at a gas station in front of one of those height measurers by the door, they shouldn't know she's a little over five feet tall. People don't tend to notice someone's height unless they're either really short or really tall and it doesn't sound like this girl's either.

The girl introduces herself as Tanya and talks about her and her father's beliefs.

“The dragon,” Tanya whispered. “This Carpathia dude is the head dragon of Revelation.”
“You read the Bible?”
“My dad does. He believes the prophecies are coming true. That’s why we went underground. The terrorists, or the dragon, were taking over, and it wouldn’t be until Armageddon that we could come out again.”

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that exactly what the Tribbles believe? That Nicky is the Dragon of Revelation and the only way to survive is to hole up somewhere? Given that Tanya later reveals that her dad's the head of some organization called the Mountain Militia, I'm assuming this is Ellanjay taking potshots at the Christian Survivalists. It doesn't really work though because there's little difference between Ellanjay theology and that of the Christian Survivalists. Both have a cruel God that even the Old Testament Jehovah would blanche at and both have an obsession with fancy toys.

In short, I'm wondering, like Vicki, why Tanya doesn't have the Zod-Mark.

In fact, right now I really wish I could follow Tanya's group because they're actually doing stuff and suffering the consequences unlike the Tribbles who don't have a bruise to show for three and a half years worth of suffering.

Nothing really happens on Judd's end. He talks to Chang and receives some recording of Nicky's rantings. Since they won't talk about what's on the recording until next chapter, I'm fast-forwarding.

Vicki, after hearing all of Tanya's complaints about how it sucks to live underground, sees an opening and decides to start talking to her about God.

Vicki scooted to the edge of her seat. “What do you think about God?”
“I don’t know,” Tanya said. “I don’t really think that much about him these days. Everything seems like it’s determined ahead. Who lives, who dies. What do you think?”
“Just like I think there’s an evil person in the world, I believe God is working out a plan for good to those who believe in him.”

Tanya rolled her eyes. “You call what’s happening in the world good? From what my dad tells me, there’s been a lot of people losing their lives. Now the oceans have turned to blood. Doesn’t sound like God’s doing a very good job.”
“In the Bible, God said he would send his Son to set the captives free. God’s doing that right now for millions of people around the world. He did it for me, and he can do it for you too.”

Raise your hand if right now you're totally on Tanya's side right now? Wow all two of my readers agree with me: Tanya's the one making more cogent points. I don't need to delve to deeply into this debate seeing as it's one we've had before. I'll just remind you that in the LB-verse, God loves his people so much that he's willing to kill them all so that no one will perish.

The chapter ends with Colin reporting that someone is headed their way.

Turns out that someone is Tanya's brother, Ty. Yeah, I'm wondering if this Mountain Militia group comes from the Duggar School of Naming Your Kids. Basically Ty's like, "You're coming with me," and drags Tanya off. Vicki gets in a last minute, "Jesus loves you!" leaving out the part where TurboJesus is also the one trying to kill you horribly.

Well, now we finally get to hear Nicky rant and really it's impossible to snark. I'm sorry but Nicky is just so over-the-top ridiculous that even though we're supposed to see this as a scene of horror, no one, I repeat no one, could possibly take this seriously. All the great villains in literature are shaking their heads in dismay. But because you probably don't believe me and because I believe in spreading suffering around, I'll give you a selection. You may picture Nicky using whatever silly voice you like to get through this.

“Maintain your loyalty mark application sites and make use of the enforcement facilitators. But, effective immediately, do not execute Jews discovered without the mark. I want them imprisoned and suffering. Use existing facilities now but build new centers as soon as possible. They need not be fancy or have any amenities. Just make them secure. Be creative, and share with each other your ideas. Ideally, these people should either long to change their minds or long to die. Do not allow that luxury.
“They will find few remaining Judah-ites to sympathize with them. They will be alone and as lonely as they have ever been, even though their cell mates will be fellow Jews. There are no limits on the degradation I am asking, requiring, you to inflict. No clothes, no heat, no cooling, no medicine. Just enough food to keep them alive for another day of suffering.
“I want reports, gentlemen. Pictures, accounts, descriptions, recordings. These people will wish they had opted for the guillotine. We will televise your best, most inventive ideas. From time immemorial these dogs have claimed the title to ‘God’s chosen people.’ Well, they have met their god now. I have chosen them, all right. And they will not find even death a place they can hide.

Like I said, this speech is mostly this: Nicky ranting about Jews to such an extent that even the most vitriol-filled Neo-Nazi would be like, "Dude, turn it down a notch."

Vicki's group meanwhile is praying for Tanya and her group. Oh and we get this statement which should make everyone headdesk.

Vicki told him. “It sounds like he’s into some weird theology. From what she said, her dad uses the Bible like some kind of code-book. He has them all believing everything’s going to be okay as soon as the final battle ends.”

Just as you can't claim that God loves us when he's doing his damnedest to prove otherwise, you can't criticize a character for using the Bible like a codebook when that's all your good characters do. Remember all that stuff Jesus said about turning the other cheek and sharing the wealth only applies to when he establishes his kingdom on Earth. Also, the seven letter to the seven churches that begins the Book of Revelation...that actually doesn't refer to actual churches around during John's time but to seven ages. I could go on and on about this point but I think I've made it clear.

I thought about throwing in a third chapter but for once, I think this snark is long enough with just two. I never thought I'd stop doing three-chapter-snarks yet here we are.

Zombies Would Starve in the LB-Verse

First of all, a welcome back to our dear Firedrake! Nice to know you haven't died in a freak vomit-choking and/or gardening and/or spontaneous combustion accident.

I'll sum up the first section: Vicki talks to Lenore. I am dead serious here: that's all that happens.

Meanwhile, Judd and Lionel and Westin are, for some unfathomable reason, still trying to bum a ride back to the states off of Z-Van. I know many of you don't understand my irrational love for Z-Van but I can't help myself. He so far hasn't ratted them out, despite the fact you'd think he'd realize by now they're not going to convert to Nickyism, and he gives them front-row seats at his concert, despite them criticizing his music every chance they can get, and most importantly, he lets them use his stuff. It's almost as though he knows Judd and Lionel are main characters for which the plot must part for them like the Red Sea for Israel.

But Westin's noticed something about him, besides the whole Nicky-Mark business.

Westin squinted. “Something’s happened to Z-Van. Maybe it was what the concert did—his new album is number one and they haven’t even released it yet.”
“What do you mean?” Judd said. “His looks have changed?”
Westin shifted in his chair. “The guy has always been into weird, dark stuff, but something’s happened. His eyes are vacant, like Z-Van’s not really there anymore.”
Judd told Westin what Chang had overheard on Carpathia’s plane. “You think Leon could have given Z-Van power to levitate above the stage like that?”
“I guess it’s possible.” Westin smirked. “That’s all we need—more little Carpathias running around.”
“You’re saying Z-Van is under somebody else’s control?” Lionel said.
“Maybe he took some drugs, or he was energized by the concert,” Westin said, “but it sure seemed like I was talking to a different person.”

I'm now picturing Madonna Dahmer spinning his head around and vomiting pea soup.

The chapter ends with Judd wondering if it's safe to be around Z-Van.

Uh, Judd let me give you a subtle hint: NO! Z-VAN HAS TAKEN THE MARK WHICH MEANS HE'S ONE OF THE LEGIONS OF THE DAMNED. :headdesk: It's like we're in a zombie movie and Judd's going "Well he keeps licking his lips and moaning and hungering for brains. I hope it's safe to hang around him."

So Sam's again doing nothing but watching them do stuff at Petra. He finds Micah aka Chaim and they talk. Mostly it's the usual alpha-male posturing we've come to know and love in the LB-verse (though they make the usual "It was God giving me strength" sort of spiel.) And apparently Hattie Durham aka the Great Butt Monkey of Babylon did make something of an impact. Chaim says that she told him that God was going to do great things through him. As thanks, he plans to scatter her ashes once the Glorious Appearing (aka when TurboJesus shows up) happens.

The chapter ends with Judd receiving a call from Chang who's panicked because Nicky just announced he's going to level Petra with bombs. Me, I'm going, "am I the only one who remembers the whole cockamamie prophecy that says you'll be safe until three and a half years are up after which TurboJesus slaughters the GC and institutes his regime peace on Earth.

Next chapter, Judd's all "Are you sure about this?" and Chang's like "Hell yeah, I'm sure." Godwin's Law is invoked as they compare Nicky's plan to Hitler's plan to wipe out all the Jews (as well as handicapped, gypsies, homosexuals, and communists and believe me, they had a very loose definition of the word "communist.") This makes me all ranty but I'm afraid I can't quite convey my rage in a coherent fashion, so I'm just going to remind everyone that the Nazis identified as Christian, so yeah.

I'm deliberately fast-forwarding through Vicki's and Sam's parts. Again, it's just more talking and watching. Forgive me, but it's white noise: it's unsnarkable. Let's see what the chapter ends with. :looks ahead: Another meaningless action scene...:whimpers: I'll sum it up for you: Vicki is talking to Anita on the phone as Anita tries to escape. But the chapter ends with Hector going, "I should have taken care of you when I had the chance." Believe me, Hector, I wish you had: it'd be one less pinball for me to keep track of.

Once again, another chapter for you. I don't know when I'll stop doing three-chapter snarks. Probably when something freaking happens.

I'll hit fast-forward again and tell you Anita escapes.

Chaim decides to preach a sermon for us. Let's listen in, shall we?

“John said he heard the angel of the waters saying, ‘You are righteous, O Lord, the One who is and who was and who is to be, because you have judged these things.’
“And what,” Micah continued, “of our enemies who have shed the blood of saints and prophets? God has turned the oceans into blood, and one day soon he will turn the rivers and lakes to blood as well, giving them blood to drink. For it is their just due.

It is also the just due of everyone, RTC or otherwise, too poor to have access to other drinking sources who will now die horribly. Because God is a friend of the poor.

“But what shall we his people eat and drink, here in this place of refuge? Some would look upon it and say it is desolate and barren. Yet God says that at twilight we shall eat meat, and in the morning we shall be filled with bread. In this way we shall know that he is the Lord our God.”

Uh, bread and meat's all fine and good, Zod, but what about our Vitamin C? Every hear of Scurvy? It's not a fun way to go.

It then begins to rain quail and bread.

Micah stood at a high place and called out a greeting. “We need not ask ourselves, as the children of Israel did, ‘What is it?’ ” he said.
“For we know God has provided it as bread. Take, eat, and see that it is filling and sweet, like wafers made with honey. As Moses said to them, ‘This is the bread which the Lord has given you to eat.’ ”
“Manna,” Sam whispered.
Micah moved in front of a huge rock, planting his feet firmly in the loose rocks in front of it. “And what shall we drink? Again, God Almighty himself has provided.”
Sam gasped as Micah raised both arms. Gushes of water sprang from rocks everywhere in Petra. Sam jumped down from his perch, put his hands under the fresh, cool stream, and drank.

You'd think Zod would be giving all this fresh water to those who are still on the fence. After all, the people at Petra are all converts: if they die of thirst, they get bamfed into Heaven. After all, it's not the healthy that need a physician.

Meanwhile, in America, Vicki thinks about boys, or to be specific, Judd. Like I said before I like these rare character moments, even though you can tell the ghostwriter is frantically trying to convince us all that, despite having not been on the same continent for several books, Judd and Vicki are totes meant to be together.

In the stillness of the night, with crickets and frogs singing around her, Vicki’s thoughts turned to Judd. Judd’s recent phone call renewed her hopes that they would someday find a way to be together.
Vicki thought about the boys she had known in school. Most of them had been what her father had called “a bad influence,” but that had simply made her want to date them more. Looking back, Vicki wished she hadn’t gotten so involved in dating.
Vicki had once gone to a wedding of a distant cousin whose parents were into church. The couple had decided not to date but “court” each other. When she heard about the guidelines they had both lived by during their engagement, it had seemed strange and almost laughable.

After that paragraph, I expected to hear regurgitated information about courtship and how it's so superior to dating, but surprisingly Ellanjay skip this. I'm not complaining, though; too busy thanking God for small favors.

But the chapter ends with Vicki hearing something moving in the bushes and grabbing a black-haired person by the ankles. That seems a good place to leave you all, so I will.

A Tale Told By Idiots

Firedrake, if you're out there and you haven't suffocated in some freak wig closet accident, I have to admit something: you're right. After the epic pig ride, it really is all downhill from here. I know I promised not to complain about how bored I am but right now it's so boring that it's actually painful to read and I'm wondering how the hell am I going to snark this? But I'll give it a shot.

Vicki's section...it's all talking. Nothing but boring talking about the person in the woods, who might it be, could they be a GC or not? Again, it might read as interesting if this series was written by JK Rowling, who wasn't afraid to let bad things happen to her characters, but like I said, we're reading Ellanjay. We do get another appearance by Cheryl who talks about how if her baby's a girl, she'll name it Vicki :gag: and if it's a boy, she'll name it Ryan. I can't help but question the wisdom in naming your baby after the second greatest Butt Monkey in the LB-verse. If you're wondering, the greatest Butt Monkey in the LB-verse is Hattie Durham.

Oh and some of the people in America are leaving. I can't keep track of who's leaving and who's staying because I have a hard time distinguishing between any of the characters in these series.

Judd's section...well guess what, we get Ellanjay's favorite action: Exciting!Telephone!Action. Basically Mr. Stein calls Judd and tells him WHAT WE WITNESSED IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS ABOUT MICHAEL AND THE EARTH SWALLOWING THE GC UP! Me, I find myself just gobsmacked by the true awfulness of it all. Why did they waste several pages with Mr. Stein doing play-by-play of what we just witnessed? I know Judd didn't witness it and needs to know about it, but surely he should know about it GIVEN THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE COCKAMAMIE PROPHECY HE BELIEVES IN PREDICTS! Surely three and a half years in, he'd know every letter and tittle of this meshugenah prophecy. Never have I seen such a naked excuse for padding in my life!

Some of Vicki's friends leave. That's seriously all that happens in the first chapter. I'm so sorry.

The next one begins with Sam in Petra as he and the other evacuees work to try to make it livable. Given the amount of work needed to bring amenities to that ancient city, I can picture all the archeologists in the world screaming in pain, as precious artifacts are destroyed so that they might have comfort. Oh, sure they don't mention them destroying stuff, but given that Ellanjay would never allow their characters to simply rough it, I have to assume that they're destroying artifacts right and left.

Apparently Our Buck is here, directing construction. Naturally Sam is, like all characters in this verse, starstruck. [slightly OT] You ever wonder just how much Jerry Jenkins sees himself in the character of Buck? Does he ask that his friends and relatives refer to him that way? How much you wanna bet he roleplays, with himself as Buck and his wife playing the sexy young ingénue, Chloe? And now that I've grossed you out with that visual, back on topic. [/slightly OT]

They're talking about setting up a computer station and I'm wondering how that's even possible. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Petra in the middle of the freaking desert? How exactly are they supposed to get electricity, let alone Internet access, out there? But then again, in a situation where I'm being hunted down by the anti-Christ, I'd be grateful for safety and water, never mind my precious electronics. But try to picture Ellanjay writing a novel without phones or internet? The plan is to link everything up with their contact in New Babylon, Chang Wong. It's becoming clear: Ellanjay thinks Hacking=Fucking Magic.

Judd is still trying to get back to the states. He talks with Chang and that's about it.

Vicki receives an email from Anita. For those wondering "Who the hell is that?" she's Manny's sister. And judging by how the chapter ends, I smell a conversion scene.

Sam meanwhile, is watching as people build their homes in Petra. Naturally Ellanjay gloss over important details like how the heck are they plugging in computers out in the freaking desert.

The chapter ends with Vicki talking on the phone with Anita. She tells Vicki about her brother's death and naturally, Vicki, never afraid to be a Vulture for Christ, sees an opening she can exploit. Because Christianity is all about exploiting emotional wounds.

I'll throw in a third chapter. Sorry to do so many three-chapter-snarks but really nothing's happening.

First let's examine this headdesker of a conversation between Vicki and Anita.

“You know all about joining a gang, right? When you’re accepted, you take the mark of that gang and become one of them. It’s the same with God, only a lot better. When you ask God to forgive you for the bad stuff you’ve done, he makes you part of his family. But he doesn’t make you pass any tests to get in.”
“But I have to do something to get him to love me, don’t I?”
“No. The Bible says God loves you so much that he gave his only Son. Even before you were born, Jesus died for you, so tell God you believe and you want him to come into your life and forgive you. Do it now.”

Actually Vicki, it's established several times that you have to say The Prayer or else Zod's hands are tied and he'll pitch you into Hell regardless of what kind of life you've lead.

I'll spoil it for you: the section ends with Anita saying The Prayer. Wooo....

Lionel's back from outer space or wherever the hell he's been because we finally hear from him. Too bad nothing of importance happens so I'll just fast-forward through it. If you really want to know, Nicky just shows up in his limo with a lot of guys and Leon's all "Kneel before him!"

Judd talks again with Chang. Aunursa's already told me about Chang's interrogation, so his conversation with Judd is strictly to fill in the readers of the kids version.

“I refused to take the test until my boss, Mr. Figueroa, showed up. He asked me a series of yes-or-no questions. Is today Sunday? Are you a male? That kind of thing. When he asked if I was loyal to the supreme potentate, I closed my eyes and reminded myself that Jesus Christ is the one who fits that description, and I answered yes.”
“So you passed?” Judd said.
“The test went on for some time. I had to evade a couple of answers that could have hurt me, but I think I passed.”

And you thought I was joking when I said that the characters repeatedly bow to Satan while claiming that in their hearts they're bowing to God. You gotta wonder what Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (characters in the part of the Book of Daniel that they don't read) think of all this. Apparently they could have just bowed to the statue of Nebuchadnezzar, while thinking of God, and it would have been totally okay.

And that's it for this week. There is some more stuff. Apparently Nicky takes the lie-detector test (why? I don't know.) and the chapter ends with Sam waiting. Once again, I apologize for the weak quality of snark.

Why do Ellanjay Hate Suspense so much?

Hmm...no comments on last week's post. Either some kind of massive plague is going around or this is your subtle way of saying you're tired of me pointing out Ellanjay's anti-Semitism. I promise I'll try to cut back, since I think I've beaten that point into the ground, but I make no guarantees.

For those of you wondering, we're beginning a new book this week. It's called Protected and it covers books 32-34 of the Left Behind: the kids series. I've said it before and I'll say it again: there only reason this series is so freaking long is avarice. More stuff happens in JK Rowling's Harry Potter series and that's only seven books.

As said before, Vicki was doing monitor duty when she noticed, someone creeping around the hideout. Vicki decides not wake anybody up because she's a girl with girl parts. Actually the reasoning given is that she doesn't want to come across as a scared little girl, but given how sexist Ellanjay are...yeah, I'm going with the girl with girl parts explanation.

We also get a bit of meditation from Vicki. I have to admit, I do, well I wouldn't go so far as to say like, but Vicki's passages seem easier to endure because Ellanjay ease off the narrative gas more often when it comes to her.

It had been a long time since she felt like a kid. True, she was only seventeen. In a normal world she would have been enjoying her senior year of high school. But this was not a normal world. Each day brought a new set of dangers and problems. She and the others had done their best to think clearly, then react. But there were some things you couldn’t plan for, things that went beyond imagination. Like tonight—helicopters falling from the sky, the threat of an all-out war coming from the most evil man in the world.

No, Vicki didn’t feel like a kid. She should have been thinking about her senior picture or buying her first car or what she would wear to the prom. For a split second, as she put on the jacket, Vicki let her mind go. She imagined wearing a beautiful dress and walking into Nicolae High, arm in arm with Judd, her red hair flowing over her shoulders.

It would be really nice if Ellanjay delved a little more into what it's like to be essentially a child soldier, but I have a feeling that's expecting too much from them.

So Vicki takes their dog with them as she decides to go out and see what's out there. Even though they just barely escaped from a GC trap and for all she knows, this could be another one. :headdesk: Sweet Zod, Vicki is a moron.

So Z-Van's plane is toast, leaving Judd and Lionel and Westin stranded in Israel. If you're wondering, they do bring up taking a commercial flight out of Israel but turns out that only people with the Mark can fly commercial nowadays. The brief section ends with them deciding to go to Z-Van's concert.

Vicki is searching the woods. Ellanjay once again try to do an action scene but fail miserably. I'll sum it up for you: Vicki finds some gloves with MM written on it and a note that says "Help Me."

I'll skip the Judd section for now since nothing really happens.

The chapter ends with Sam among the people marching to Petra. They see GC soldiers coming for them and try to work up a little suspense, but since we've already been told nothing will happen to them...yeah, I don't need to say anymore, do I?

Next chapter, we get more Z-Van. :fist pump: I love that crazy Madonna Dahmer ripoff.

Not much really goes on at the concert, just Judd watching and smirking about how he has it all figured out. They do provide us with more Z-Van lyrics which makes this section more bearable.

“His hands so cold, his heart at rest,
As lord of all sees one last test.
A grieving world, we turn to you,
The one entombed in shadows new.”

“The planet waits, not knowing when
We’ll see this man of love again.
But death is not a worthy foe,
This wound, this sting, he will not go.”

“Res-urrection, sent from above
Res-urrection, power of love
Res-urrection, rise from your bed
Res-urrection, back from the dead!”

Maybe it's the Stockholm Syndrome talking but I don't think Z-Van's song's that bad. It has the makings of heavy metal number. But then again, I've always liked Z-Van. He's so much more fun than our Elsie Dinsmore-esque protagonists.

Everyone chews Vicki out for making such a stupid decision and frankly I'm with them. Were it not for the fact that the GC couldn't find their dick with two hands and a map, she could have gotten them all in a trouble. Nothing really much comes of this section and I'm bored to death so let's speed to the end of the chapter.

It too is very boring. Boring through and through. Basically Sam sees all the soldiers coming and wonders if they'll survive.


Because the snark is skimpy, I'll throw in a third chapter.

Yet another robed man has shown up and starts quoting long passages of scripture. It's pretty much impossible to snark, so I'll fast-forward again to the end and tell you that the robed dude is the archangel Michael.

In the meantime, Judd and Lionel are still at Z-Van's concert, for reasons I can't fathom, and we get to hear the song that Z-Van wrote about them. So here are more lyrics for you:

“What more does he have to do?
He came back from the dead, just like he said.
An incredible man with peace and a plan
For a world to be filled with love.”

The song spoke of “two young men, swayed by religion, controlled by a book.”

Z-Van continued, yelling now: “I’ve heard this song before. I’ve heard about Jesus. I’ve heard about sin, but he can’t solve this mess we’re in.”

Judd then watches as Z-Van mocks Christ's crucifixion after which he takes to the stage in front of all the audience members and the people lined up to take the Mark and preaches the Word until the GC drags him away.

WRONG!

Y'see that's what Judd would do if he wasn't a spineless coward. But given that he is, here's what really happens.

A few people stood in line to be processed. Judd thought about telling them what a mistake they were making, that they were forfeiting their souls, but as he got closer and heard their conversation, he decided against it.

:grinds teeth: I'm sure though that Judd feels really bad about it and that's all that really matters, feelings. Not actually doing something to save people, but feelings. As said before this series is the anti-Bodhisattva; rather than try to save people, the RTC thing to do is to laugh at all the drowning people.

The chapter ends with Sam watching the GC army get swallowed up by the Earth, which might have been a cool moment except that it, like everything else in this series was told for us in advance thus killing what little surprise there was.

The Fate of Anne Frank and Ellanjay Completely Forget about Wormwood.

What we have waiting for us are a lot of action scenes...forgive me, please, I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.

The chapter begins with Judd and Lionel basically helping tear down stuff and load it up so they can get to Petra. Yea, just what every Young Adult novel needs: Exciting!Packing!Action.

We then cut to Vicki's section which I enjoy a little better because the writers ease off the narrative gas and allow the characters to be something besides Expositors Extraordinaire. Basically what happens is Vicki and Shelly talk about boys.

While Mark got some needed sleep, Vicki pulled Shelly aside and told her about her conversation with Judd.
Shelly put a hand over her mouth. “How do you feel about it?” she said.
“Excited. A little scared. I’ve liked Judd as a friend for a long time. It feels like something’s changed with him.”

Uh, what exactly has changed between Vicki and Judd? It's been several books since they were on the same continent. Oh yeah, I know what's changed: the writers realized that it's nearing the end of the series and they haven't paired them up yet, so they're hurriedly trying to do so even though the only thing they have in common, besides being RTCs, is that they're boring.

But then we get this headdesker:

Shelly ran her tongue over her lower lip and tilted her head back. “Since we’re being honest about guys, I have a confession.”
Vicki grinned, anticipating what was coming. “Conrad and I have become pretty good friends since our trip out west. We’ve been doing a Bible study together. And he writes me letters. Isn’t it romantic?”
“If anything can be romantic these days, it’s writing letters to somebody staying in the same house with you. Does anybody know?”

Unlike Judd and Vicki, who haven't been on the same continent for several books, Shelly and Conrad have been living in close quarters and this is the first mention of any kind of relationship beyond friendship regarding them. I'm dead serious: they just pulled this one flat-out of nowhere. Oh and letters? I guess in Ellanjayland even modern teenagers are hip to Victorian-style courtship. Next up on Conrad and Shelly's list: holding hands.

Here's some advice to aspiring writers out there: if you're going to have characters in romantic relationships, you have to show them acting romantic towards one another. No, you don't have to show the actual act of coitus but some flirting or kissing or something that gives us the idea that they're more than just friends. Right now, I'm picturing a pair of pinballs rubbing up against each other.

Next Vicki and co. turn on the news which informs them that Manny is dead. No. Stop. Think of the children [/Sarcasm] They read an email from Manny, wonder if the gang members converted before Manny died, and that's it.

Here's a good question to ask those of Ellanjay's politics: was Anne Frank sent to Hell when she died? After all, she was Jewish. Maybe not one of those Orthodox SuperJews that predominate these books but still Jewish. I find myself asking that because as Judd watches the evacuation, Westin tries to get an Israeli (or in other words, a Jew) to reject the faith of his followers and accept Jesus. The guy's response is "Never!"

This anecdote isn't very long but it's enough to make me wonder about Anne Frank's fate. Firedrake already told me about the whole "Harrowing of Hell" doctrine and I'm sure Ellanjay accepts it on behalf of everyone in the Bible, but what about all the other Jews. Is Anne Frank along with six million others burning in Hell while the SS (the majority of which identified as Christian) getting front row seats in Heaven. Maybe you think I'm Godwinizing the debate, but sometimes the debate needs to invoke Godwin's Law.

The choppers start firing bullets and that's where the chapter ends.

The next chapter...as you probably guessed, the only ones being harmed are the GC while the RTCs fly unscathed. But those stubborn Jews Israelis simply refuse to convert, saying that it's a trick. Frankly I'm with them: given that Nicky has declared war against the RTCs and the Jews, wouldn't it make perfect sense for the Jewish people to conclude that all this is a result of Hashem intervening and not immediately bow and accept TurboJesus.

Meanwhile, Sam is trying to convert the Israelis in his vehicle. Once again, Ellanjay are trying desperately to make this all suspenseful as they go through gunfire and all that, but it fails because WE KNOW NOTHING WILL HAPPEN BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY BEEN PROPHESIZED THAT ZOD WILL PROTECT THEM! [/ragedump]

Judd talks to Chang, who exists to fill in gaps in the readers' knowledge, on the phone. Apparently he used his Super Hacking skills to get Token Jew on the air. They say the pundits keep trying to talk over him, but you know what might stop that nefarious Token Jew. A BULLET TO THE BRAIN! Any reason why the eeevil one-world dystopian government is all pacifistic when it comes to dealing with a guy rallying people to fight against it? I know, because prophecy! That's why! But I must protest the stupidity; it's in my nature.

Oh and he executed the Supreme Commander Walter Moon for allowing Token Jew on the air. Again, what might help? EXECUTING TOKEN JEW!

Apparently Fortunado has said he plans on praying him off the air and it ends with the announcement that the water has turned to blood. Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but since Wormwood has hit, poisoning all the water on earth and Nicky has done the water to blood thing before HOW THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SHOCKING?!

Vicki and co. watch Token Jew's message. There's really nothing to snark: it's basically Token Jew going "Jesus is the Messiah so abandon millennia of teachings and accept the eradication of your culture for your own good." I think Rubyfruit said in a previous conversation that she found herself more offended on behalf of the Catholics than on any other group in the LB series, but I find myself more offended on behalf of the Jewish people. Granted I'm really in no position to talk about issues facing them given that I'm a Gentile whose expertise comes from reading Judaism for Dummies but more and more I wonder why Ellanjay are shocked! Shocked to be called anti-Semites. Do they really believe that we should see a series that presents the Jews abandoning their faith in droves to become good RTCs as anything but?

The GC keep trying to shoot down the RTCs but since they're graduates of the Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy, they keep hitting each other. I know we're supposed to see this as miraculous but that's my interpretation and I stand by it.

The chapter ends with Judd talking to Chang again. The blood water problem is international (again, I shout until I am hoarse about Wormwood) and the GC are instituting lie detector tests to ferret out moles. This is supposed to be shocking because an eevil organization violating 4th amendment rights...color me shocked and surprised.

I've decided to throw on another chapter so I can finish out this book. I've already purchased all the books I need so there won't be any delay in snark.

For those of you worried about Chang, fear not. He's crashed his computer so they can't recover the hard drive and I'm sure when it comes time for the lie detector test, he'll just give some variety of weasely answers like a good RTC.

Vicki watches the destruction of GC forces on the news and we get this headdesker as it talks about how the water turning to blood has affected stuff.

Though the Global Community tried to downplay them, reports from around the world flooded in about the seas turning to blood. Beautiful vacation resorts became death sites as whales, fish, sharks, and every imaginable sea creature perished and rose to the surface. Ships radioed Mayday signals, saying they had run out of drinking water and were unable to get back to land.

If you're going hoarse shouting "WHAT ABOUT FUCKING WORMWOOD!" you're not alone. I'm doing the same. Not to mention, it's good that Zod has wiped out all variety of sea life, real good. So I take their vision of Heaven is an entirely sterile one free of any of the fauna and flora that make Earth interesting. Once again, I find myself longing for the other place.

Nicky gives the generic "We shall overcome" speech which is supposed to be inspiring, but once again, wouldn't inspire anyone with a pulse.

“This Micah claimed to represent the rebels, but we now know he is an impostor who has used his trickery to create the great seawater catastrophe,” Carpathia said. “Do not be dismayed. The enemies of the Global Community will be brought to justice, and just as the difficulty we have faced with the sores has passed, so this problem with the earth’s waters will be overcome.”

Is it any wonder why I envision him as being played by Brent Spiner?

Oh and apparently the RTCs aren't affected by the blood water and bottled water is affected too. Congratulations, Ellanjay, you've condemned pretty much all of the world's remaining population to die horribly only to end up in Hell where they'll suffer horribly for all eternity. Soft drinks and juice for some reason remain unaffected.

Judd and Lionel and Westin are searching around for Z-Van so they can borrow his plane and go back to the states. Me, I question why the hell they're still hitting him up for favors given that Z-Van has accepted the Mark meaning he's fully on Nicky's side. I also think it's damn nice of him to keep letting them run around using his stuff like that, awful nice behavior for someone who's supposed to be one of the Legion of the Damned.

Vicki is doing her watch when she sees someone in the bushes. Yawn.

The chapter and book end with Judd and Lionel running towards Z-Van's plane only to see it get a massive hole blown in it. So I guess our brave heroes will have to find another way to get back to the states. Why I should care, I don't know.