Why do Ellanjay Hate Suspense so much?

Hmm...no comments on last week's post. Either some kind of massive plague is going around or this is your subtle way of saying you're tired of me pointing out Ellanjay's anti-Semitism. I promise I'll try to cut back, since I think I've beaten that point into the ground, but I make no guarantees.

For those of you wondering, we're beginning a new book this week. It's called Protected and it covers books 32-34 of the Left Behind: the kids series. I've said it before and I'll say it again: there only reason this series is so freaking long is avarice. More stuff happens in JK Rowling's Harry Potter series and that's only seven books.

As said before, Vicki was doing monitor duty when she noticed, someone creeping around the hideout. Vicki decides not wake anybody up because she's a girl with girl parts. Actually the reasoning given is that she doesn't want to come across as a scared little girl, but given how sexist Ellanjay are...yeah, I'm going with the girl with girl parts explanation.

We also get a bit of meditation from Vicki. I have to admit, I do, well I wouldn't go so far as to say like, but Vicki's passages seem easier to endure because Ellanjay ease off the narrative gas more often when it comes to her.

It had been a long time since she felt like a kid. True, she was only seventeen. In a normal world she would have been enjoying her senior year of high school. But this was not a normal world. Each day brought a new set of dangers and problems. She and the others had done their best to think clearly, then react. But there were some things you couldn’t plan for, things that went beyond imagination. Like tonight—helicopters falling from the sky, the threat of an all-out war coming from the most evil man in the world.

No, Vicki didn’t feel like a kid. She should have been thinking about her senior picture or buying her first car or what she would wear to the prom. For a split second, as she put on the jacket, Vicki let her mind go. She imagined wearing a beautiful dress and walking into Nicolae High, arm in arm with Judd, her red hair flowing over her shoulders.

It would be really nice if Ellanjay delved a little more into what it's like to be essentially a child soldier, but I have a feeling that's expecting too much from them.

So Vicki takes their dog with them as she decides to go out and see what's out there. Even though they just barely escaped from a GC trap and for all she knows, this could be another one. :headdesk: Sweet Zod, Vicki is a moron.

So Z-Van's plane is toast, leaving Judd and Lionel and Westin stranded in Israel. If you're wondering, they do bring up taking a commercial flight out of Israel but turns out that only people with the Mark can fly commercial nowadays. The brief section ends with them deciding to go to Z-Van's concert.

Vicki is searching the woods. Ellanjay once again try to do an action scene but fail miserably. I'll sum it up for you: Vicki finds some gloves with MM written on it and a note that says "Help Me."

I'll skip the Judd section for now since nothing really happens.

The chapter ends with Sam among the people marching to Petra. They see GC soldiers coming for them and try to work up a little suspense, but since we've already been told nothing will happen to them...yeah, I don't need to say anymore, do I?

Next chapter, we get more Z-Van. :fist pump: I love that crazy Madonna Dahmer ripoff.

Not much really goes on at the concert, just Judd watching and smirking about how he has it all figured out. They do provide us with more Z-Van lyrics which makes this section more bearable.

“His hands so cold, his heart at rest,
As lord of all sees one last test.
A grieving world, we turn to you,
The one entombed in shadows new.”

“The planet waits, not knowing when
We’ll see this man of love again.
But death is not a worthy foe,
This wound, this sting, he will not go.”

“Res-urrection, sent from above
Res-urrection, power of love
Res-urrection, rise from your bed
Res-urrection, back from the dead!”

Maybe it's the Stockholm Syndrome talking but I don't think Z-Van's song's that bad. It has the makings of heavy metal number. But then again, I've always liked Z-Van. He's so much more fun than our Elsie Dinsmore-esque protagonists.

Everyone chews Vicki out for making such a stupid decision and frankly I'm with them. Were it not for the fact that the GC couldn't find their dick with two hands and a map, she could have gotten them all in a trouble. Nothing really much comes of this section and I'm bored to death so let's speed to the end of the chapter.

It too is very boring. Boring through and through. Basically Sam sees all the soldiers coming and wonders if they'll survive.


Because the snark is skimpy, I'll throw in a third chapter.

Yet another robed man has shown up and starts quoting long passages of scripture. It's pretty much impossible to snark, so I'll fast-forward again to the end and tell you that the robed dude is the archangel Michael.

In the meantime, Judd and Lionel are still at Z-Van's concert, for reasons I can't fathom, and we get to hear the song that Z-Van wrote about them. So here are more lyrics for you:

“What more does he have to do?
He came back from the dead, just like he said.
An incredible man with peace and a plan
For a world to be filled with love.”

The song spoke of “two young men, swayed by religion, controlled by a book.”

Z-Van continued, yelling now: “I’ve heard this song before. I’ve heard about Jesus. I’ve heard about sin, but he can’t solve this mess we’re in.”

Judd then watches as Z-Van mocks Christ's crucifixion after which he takes to the stage in front of all the audience members and the people lined up to take the Mark and preaches the Word until the GC drags him away.

WRONG!

Y'see that's what Judd would do if he wasn't a spineless coward. But given that he is, here's what really happens.

A few people stood in line to be processed. Judd thought about telling them what a mistake they were making, that they were forfeiting their souls, but as he got closer and heard their conversation, he decided against it.

:grinds teeth: I'm sure though that Judd feels really bad about it and that's all that really matters, feelings. Not actually doing something to save people, but feelings. As said before this series is the anti-Bodhisattva; rather than try to save people, the RTC thing to do is to laugh at all the drowning people.

The chapter ends with Sam watching the GC army get swallowed up by the Earth, which might have been a cool moment except that it, like everything else in this series was told for us in advance thus killing what little surprise there was.