Saturday, July 12, 2014

A Tale Told By Idiots

Firedrake, if you're out there and you haven't suffocated in some freak wig closet accident, I have to admit something: you're right. After the epic pig ride, it really is all downhill from here. I know I promised not to complain about how bored I am but right now it's so boring that it's actually painful to read and I'm wondering how the hell am I going to snark this? But I'll give it a shot.

Vicki's's all talking. Nothing but boring talking about the person in the woods, who might it be, could they be a GC or not? Again, it might read as interesting if this series was written by JK Rowling, who wasn't afraid to let bad things happen to her characters, but like I said, we're reading Ellanjay. We do get another appearance by Cheryl who talks about how if her baby's a girl, she'll name it Vicki :gag: and if it's a boy, she'll name it Ryan. I can't help but question the wisdom in naming your baby after the second greatest Butt Monkey in the LB-verse. If you're wondering, the greatest Butt Monkey in the LB-verse is Hattie Durham.

Oh and some of the people in America are leaving. I can't keep track of who's leaving and who's staying because I have a hard time distinguishing between any of the characters in these series.

Judd's section...well guess what, we get Ellanjay's favorite action: Exciting!Telephone!Action. Basically Mr. Stein calls Judd and tells him WHAT WE WITNESSED IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS ABOUT MICHAEL AND THE EARTH SWALLOWING THE GC UP! Me, I find myself just gobsmacked by the true awfulness of it all. Why did they waste several pages with Mr. Stein doing play-by-play of what we just witnessed? I know Judd didn't witness it and needs to know about it, but surely he should know about it GIVEN THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE COCKAMAMIE PROPHECY HE BELIEVES IN PREDICTS! Surely three and a half years in, he'd know every letter and tittle of this meshugenah prophecy. Never have I seen such a naked excuse for padding in my life!

Some of Vicki's friends leave. That's seriously all that happens in the first chapter. I'm so sorry.

The next one begins with Sam in Petra as he and the other evacuees work to try to make it livable. Given the amount of work needed to bring amenities to that ancient city, I can picture all the archeologists in the world screaming in pain, as precious artifacts are destroyed so that they might have comfort. Oh, sure they don't mention them destroying stuff, but given that Ellanjay would never allow their characters to simply rough it, I have to assume that they're destroying artifacts right and left.

Apparently Our Buck is here, directing construction. Naturally Sam is, like all characters in this verse, starstruck. [slightly OT] You ever wonder just how much Jerry Jenkins sees himself in the character of Buck? Does he ask that his friends and relatives refer to him that way? How much you wanna bet he roleplays, with himself as Buck and his wife playing the sexy young ingénue, Chloe? And now that I've grossed you out with that visual, back on topic. [/slightly OT]

They're talking about setting up a computer station and I'm wondering how that's even possible. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Petra in the middle of the freaking desert? How exactly are they supposed to get electricity, let alone Internet access, out there? But then again, in a situation where I'm being hunted down by the anti-Christ, I'd be grateful for safety and water, never mind my precious electronics. But try to picture Ellanjay writing a novel without phones or internet? The plan is to link everything up with their contact in New Babylon, Chang Wong. It's becoming clear: Ellanjay thinks Hacking=Fucking Magic.

Judd is still trying to get back to the states. He talks with Chang and that's about it.

Vicki receives an email from Anita. For those wondering "Who the hell is that?" she's Manny's sister. And judging by how the chapter ends, I smell a conversion scene.

Sam meanwhile, is watching as people build their homes in Petra. Naturally Ellanjay gloss over important details like how the heck are they plugging in computers out in the freaking desert.

The chapter ends with Vicki talking on the phone with Anita. She tells Vicki about her brother's death and naturally, Vicki, never afraid to be a Vulture for Christ, sees an opening she can exploit. Because Christianity is all about exploiting emotional wounds.

I'll throw in a third chapter. Sorry to do so many three-chapter-snarks but really nothing's happening.

First let's examine this headdesker of a conversation between Vicki and Anita.

“You know all about joining a gang, right? When you’re accepted, you take the mark of that gang and become one of them. It’s the same with God, only a lot better. When you ask God to forgive you for the bad stuff you’ve done, he makes you part of his family. But he doesn’t make you pass any tests to get in.”
“But I have to do something to get him to love me, don’t I?”
“No. The Bible says God loves you so much that he gave his only Son. Even before you were born, Jesus died for you, so tell God you believe and you want him to come into your life and forgive you. Do it now.”

Actually Vicki, it's established several times that you have to say The Prayer or else Zod's hands are tied and he'll pitch you into Hell regardless of what kind of life you've lead.

I'll spoil it for you: the section ends with Anita saying The Prayer. Wooo....

Lionel's back from outer space or wherever the hell he's been because we finally hear from him. Too bad nothing of importance happens so I'll just fast-forward through it. If you really want to know, Nicky just shows up in his limo with a lot of guys and Leon's all "Kneel before him!"

Judd talks again with Chang. Aunursa's already told me about Chang's interrogation, so his conversation with Judd is strictly to fill in the readers of the kids version.

“I refused to take the test until my boss, Mr. Figueroa, showed up. He asked me a series of yes-or-no questions. Is today Sunday? Are you a male? That kind of thing. When he asked if I was loyal to the supreme potentate, I closed my eyes and reminded myself that Jesus Christ is the one who fits that description, and I answered yes.”
“So you passed?” Judd said.
“The test went on for some time. I had to evade a couple of answers that could have hurt me, but I think I passed.”

And you thought I was joking when I said that the characters repeatedly bow to Satan while claiming that in their hearts they're bowing to God. You gotta wonder what Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (characters in the part of the Book of Daniel that they don't read) think of all this. Apparently they could have just bowed to the statue of Nebuchadnezzar, while thinking of God, and it would have been totally okay.

And that's it for this week. There is some more stuff. Apparently Nicky takes the lie-detector test (why? I don't know.) and the chapter ends with Sam waiting. Once again, I apologize for the weak quality of snark.

1 comment:

Firedrake said...

I'm just back holiday and catching up slowly. There was an incident with a tin of surströmming but we don't need to talk about that.

Solar panels and satellite Internet. Sure, Wormwood knocked down all the satellites. It also stripped off the atmosphere, so don't push it. :-)