Z-Van is rapidly becoming a favorite character.

Sorry sorry for the lateness of this post. I had to work Saturday and Sunday and my brain was kind of fried after all those straight hours of Christmas songs. Hell is retail during the Christmas season.

The beginning of this chapter is mostly exposition. Vicki talking about how Token Jew was right about everything and the other members of the YTF asking about what happens next and Vicki explaining while they watch the news. There's nothing really snarkworthy so let's get to Judd's section.

So Judd is traveling with Z-Van and given what we're told about his appearance, it's safe to assume these books are set during the Reagan administration.

This skinny guy with tattoos all over his body and wraparound sunglasses oozed power. He was used to people getting him anything he asked for. Judd had seen him listed as one of the wealthiest men in the world.

As he looked at all the rings in the man’s ears, nose, and lips, Judd felt a mix of contempt and admiration. There was no doubt Z-Van was a good showman and business operator, but he had no friends. His life was filled with drinking, partying, and concerts, but it was empty.

Did I not tell you that Z-Van's a Madonna Dahmer rip-off? Also, am I the only one thinking that Judd's got a case of sour grapes here? Given that the main tenet of RTCism is sit back and wait, he's probably secretly envious of Z-Van, who actually has a life.

Z-Van asks a few questions, which leads to this confession from Judd.

Judd took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll shoot straight. We’re believers in Jesus Christ, followers of Tsion Ben-Judah, otherwise known as Judah-ites. That group back in Israel is made up mainly of Jewish believers who are telling the world that their only hope for peace is to follow the true God.”

The only hope for peace? Haven't the books made it clear that regardless of whether you convert, Zod's still going to pummel the Earth with back-to-back disasters? Then again, Ellanjay's theology is that Zod's response is basically, "Look at what you made me do!"

So Judd decides to walk Z-Van through RTCianity.

Judd asked Lionel to go to the section on prophecies on the kids’ Web site. “These things were written about two thousand years ago. Everything from the massive, worldwide earthquake to the one we just had in Jerusalem. The Bible even predicted that seven thousand would be killed in that quake.”

And now I'm wishing Aunursa still commented on this blog because right now, I'm going "Cite please?" Where in the Bible does it mention a specific number? Usually when it comes to numbers, the Bible gives a vague "a lot" kind of number.

Judd tries to tell Z-Van that Nicky is going to come back from the dead. Naturally Z-Van laughs at this.

“If Eli and Moishe can come back to life, why not—”

“Those two crazies at the Wailing Wall? Carpathia blew them away days ago.”

“He doesn’t know,” Lionel said.

“God raised them from the dead,” Judd said. “They went right up into the clouds.”

“Wooooo.” Z-Van laughed, moving his finger in a circle in the air. “Then why haven’t they shown that on the news?”

“I was there,” Lionel said. “The GC won’t show the replay because they know it’ll affect people.”

So wait a minute...even with the blackout, you'd think the people there would be talking about it? I'm assuming this book was written before smartphones, with their built-in cameras, became commonplace, but there were still cameras and there is this marvelous place called the Internet where people can discuss this stuff. But my biggest objection is, if Nicky could black-out news of the GT's resurrection, THEN WHY DIDN'T HE BLACK-OUT THEIR PREACHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?! IF DAVID HAYSEED IS AS GREAT A HACKER AS EVERYONE SAYS HE IS, HE SHOULD HAVE FOUND A WAY TO BROADCAST THE RESURRECTION AS WELL!

Z-Van asks Judd and Lionel the old, "If you're so good why weren't you taken?" question, and Judd responds with the age-old "Going to church doesn't make you an RTC any more than sitting in your garage makes you a car" metaphor.

Z-Van mentions his mom really believing in that stuff and naturally, given that pouring salt into emotional wounds is what Jesus would do, they try to zero in on that in order to get him to convert. But Z-Van isn't having any of this bullshit and tells Judd and Lionel to get lost.

Also, apparently I wasn't paying attention because I thought that Z-Van was taking Judd and Lionel back to America but apparently they're going to New Babylon. Why I'm not sure. Frankly it sounds like a stupid idea to go to the anti-Christ's capital city but what do I know.

Sorry for the abbreviated snark but next chapter is long and this snark is already pretty long itself. This will have to tide you over for a bit.