Friday, October 5, 2012

Attack of the Locusts!

Sorry, sorry for the lateness of this post. I wish could say it was personal troubles, but really, it was mostly general laziness. Ask yourself: are you really biting your nails to the raw wondering what'll happen next to the Heroes who Don't Do Anything?

Another problem, well eventually I'm going to finish off this book and because I'm stone-broke, I won't be able to purchase the next volume so I may have to suspend this snarking for a while. I don't know if I'll just stop updating the snark or maybe I'll take another crack at my series on Right Behind (which no one reads).

Anyway, this selection begins with Judd, being the compassionate RTC he is, sniggering as the GC struggles to explain what's going on. Judd then looks out the window and sees small pieces of the black cloud breaking up and hears the sound of stuff hitting the plane.

Meanwhile, Mark finally meets up with Carl. Woo-hoo. Carl has been reading the bible but since he lacks the Super Special Awesome Decoder Eyes that reveal Zod's plan to convert by killing us all, he hasn't taken the bait. He wants to go with Mark to the hideout and even offers to ride on back on his motorcycle. Frankly, I'm surprised that Mark is okay with this whole "Let's all go to the hideout" plan. After all, it isn't much of a leap to consider the possibility that perhaps Carl is bugged or he's a mole or something.

Anyway, Lionel and Sam are at the airport when the cloud bursts, revealing hordes of demon locusts. I could quote Ellanjay's description of the locusts but given how badly the fail at everything, I think I'll quote from Revelation, chapter nine. That way we can see how interpreting this chapter is a fool's game.

7 The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. On their heads they wore something like crowns of gold, and their faces resembled human faces. 8 Their hair was like women’s hair, and their teeth were like lions’ teeth. 9 They had breastplates like breastplates of iron, and the sound of their wings was like the thundering of many horses and chariots rushing into battle. 10 They had tails with stingers, like scorpions, and in their tails they had power to torment people for five months. 11 They had as king over them the angel of the Abyss, whose name in Hebrew is Abaddon and in Greek is Apollyon (that is, Destroyer).

It is also said that these locusts won't attack anyone with the seal of God on their forehead, but those attacked will wish they could die but be unable to. Naturally, Judd watches this with a dispassionate eye. The plane is forced to make an emergency landing.

Carl gets attacked by the insects.

Meanwhile, at the school, Janie, aka the hardened reprobate who better demonstrates Christian love than the so-called RTCs, is being attacked by the insects and is screaming in pain and Vicki, the Good Christian Bitch that she is, is all, "We tried to warn you." I grind my teeth like crazy.

To be fair to Vicki, in the second chapter, she does try to make Janie comfortable, but right now my opinion of her character is abysmal. Conrad manages to trap one of the locusts and is studying them, something I really don't see the point of. Vicki then explains, for the stupider readers in the audience, what the whole locusts thing means and after talking about how Zod has decreed they won't hurt the RTCs, she says something truly heartless and bone-headed, basically saying it shows how God uses his enemy for his own purposes.

Meanwhile, Carl naturally notices that the insects aren't attacking Mark and we get yet another conversion with yet another identical Prayer, which again, seems more like spell-casting than anything Jesus preached, especially since the locusts back down, once Carl's finished the all-important Prayer.

Judd tries to get up so he can convert the people aboard the plane. Lionel and Samuel watch a tarmac worker scream as the insects attack him and try to kill himself to escape. Naturally Lionel doesn't freak out, but stares dispassionately (sorry to overuse that word but it really fits) at the man and starts reciting Revelation 9:6

During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them.

Sorry to cheat and copy and paste from the Bible so much, but it's much more interesting than the actual book, which is saying something.

Janie's in agony from the locusts' sting and Vicki, again being the compassionate RTC, decides to chalk another one up on her fuselage and tries to convert her. She's all "Give your life to God, Janie," but Janie, who's currently my favorite character since the Power Couple of Awesomeness is gone, says, after Vicki hems and haws in response to her question about whether accepting Zod would make the pain from the stings go away, "Then what good is your God anyway? Get out!"

Oh and would you believe that even in a time like this, the all-important internet connection is still up? Man, whatever Nicky Alps uses to maintain his communications network, we need.

The other heathens, Melinda, Charlie, and Lenore, are cowering in the basement as the locusts are digging through the ground. The book ends with Lenore screaming about her baby and Vicki screaming, "No!" as the locusts look at the crib where Tolan is sleeping. Naturally because I don't have the next book, I can't say whether the locusts will attack Tolan, even though he's a baby, for being a heathen unbeliever, but if he does, at least we'll know that Ellanjay can't keep their own theology straight because weren't those under twelve bamfed into heaven because of that whole age of innocence thing?

And since I just finished the last two chapters, I'm afraid this is going to be it for my Left Behind: the kids snark for a while, until I get a job that is. If you're wondering about school, let's just say it didn't work out, so I don't have any money from it, and please don't ask why it didn't work out: I'd rather not rehash that to strangers over the internet.


Firedrake said...

Have you considered putting up an Amazon wishlist for the remaining books? (This should make it possible to get second-hand copies to you.) There's the possibility of identity exposure, which may be a problem.

How many books are you up to now, anyway?

Locusts certainly can bring down aircraft if they're dense enough, but that would probably be too much to hope for. Still, I can't bear to go without linking to the Brick Testament: and .

Mouse said...

If you're wondering, we've just finished book number nineteen, so next up is number twenty. We're nearly halfway through the series. But I don't know if I wanna hit y'all up for this sort of thing. It just feels weird hitting up strangers for stuff.

Apocalypse Review said...

First: Good luck on the book purchases (well, relatively speaking).

Second: Job Hunt! *roots for Mouse*

Third: Whoa. Vicki. O_O

See, that kind of stone-cold way of treating people could prove awesome if, say, she talked to some GC snitch at her school that way.

But no, she has to treat her potential convert-ees like that :(

aunursa said...

Conrad manages to trap one of the locusts and is studying them, something I really don't see the point of.

Buck was surprised to learn he had more capacity for revulsion. As he and Chaim knelt by the window, their faces inches from the locusts, he saw Scripture come to life. He couldn't imagine an uglier, more nauseating sight than the creatures before him. Tsion taught that these were not part of the animal kingdom at all, but demons taking the form of organisms.
As he took in their unique characteristics, he felt for Chaim. They both knew his protective covering would not save him in the end. These things were here to attack him, and time was on their side. They would find a way in, and when that happened,
they would show no mercy.
“Good heavens, look at them!” Chaim said.
Buck could only shake his head. Contrasted with the beauty of God's creation, these mongrels were clearly from the pit. Their bodies were shaped like miniature horses armed for war. They had wings like flying grasshoppers. When one alighted on the window, Buck edged closer.
“Chaim,” Buck said, his own voice sounding distant and fearful, “do you have a magnifying glass?”
“You want a closer look? I can hardly stand to peek at them!”
“They look like horses, but they don't have snouts and mouths like horses'.”
“I have a very powerful magnifier in my office, but I'm not leaving this room.”

From LB #5: Apollyon

Apocalypse Review said...

It suddenly occurs to me that Chaim would be wonderfully acted by Terence Stamp if they ever wanted to make LB a real, true movie instead of the travesty LaHaye wants to make of it.

Mink said...

or maybe I'll take another crack at my series on Right Behind (which no one reads). Hey, now, I read it! I regularly pop into Right Behind. =)