Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Most Boringest Section in History

Nothing happens. I know I say that a lot but in these two chapters, I really, really mean it. I've never been so dangerously close to a boredom-induced coma and if any of my readers suffer from narcolepsy, I suggest you stay away from this snark.

So Mark, aka one of the minor characters you've all but forgotten existed because no one has any distinguishing features in this series, arrives at the airport to meet with Carl. He gets questioned by this guy with the name tag Kolak and watches a broadcast from Nicky Alps who says he's going to let the SuperPope (aka the EBOWF pope) make his ruling on the RTCs and whether they'll be allowed to travel. Meanwhile, I suffer a concussion from banging my head against the desk in boredom.

At the school, apparently baby Tolan might be sick. I don't see the worry as he's described as having a runny nose and a cough and anyone will tell you, babies shrug off illness pretty quickly. But they ask that Z guy to get some baby aspirin for them. They also manage to get the safe open and it's full of gold coins. I have no idea why they would be so excited since gold is only valuable as long as there's an infrastructure that says it's valuable; isn't Nicky Appalachian going to issue a new mark of the beast currency system soon? I doubt their coinage would be much good then. Either way, I smack my head again in boredom. At this rate, I'm going to be punch-drunk by the time this snark's over.

Judd decides he wants to leave Mali and go back to Israel to be with Lionel and Samuel. Mr. Stein agrees with him and offers to have Immen take him to the airport. That's seriously all that happens in this section. :smack:

Y'know as I recalled from a previous snark, a UFO had struck the world. Is it so much to ask that we finally find out what the hell this object is and what's going to happen? Then again, nothing's going to happen because nothing ever happens in these books. :smack:

Lionel hears about the coins from Vicki and is excited she's wiring them some money to get home. Again, that's all that happens.

Mark is in a hotel room and apparently some inky blackness is covering the earth, making it seem as dark as night. It really would be nice to focus on this, but we all know that would interfere with Ellanjay's hard-on for travel logistics and phone calls. And now that I've left you with that horrible mental image--Ellanjay with a hard-on--I'm going to smack my head again in hopes of inducing unconsciousness. Maybe when I wake up, stuff will actually happen. :smack:

Apparently Jamal is still bitter towards them. This is interesting but again nothing really happens. Lionel just tells Nada about the money, Nada offers to retrieve it, and Jamal's like "Like hell you will!"

Next section, short paragraph about travel logistics with Judd. Apparently the black cloud, aka something happening that would probably be a lot more interesting to read about than all this crap about travel logistics, has stranded flights. Judd won't be able to get back to Israel until Monday. :cue dramatic prairie dog:

Lionel and Samuel go to the bank to get the money. But afterwards, there's some creepy guys waiting outside to jump them so they have to go out the back.

Next chapter, Lionel and Samuel escape without harm, thus preventing anything interesting from happening in this section. Woo-hoo...

Judd's still stuck at the airport until Sunday evening or Monday morning. Mark sits and watches a little TV at the airport while waiting for Carl. I ask: Does Ellanjay seriously believe that kids love reading stories in which the hero's stuck in the airport and doesn't do anything except sit there and wait?

Judd is :gasp: forced to eat an overpriced meal at the airport while awaiting his flight and the SuperPope makes his announcement. Basically the SuperPope says it's illegal to practice a religion that goes against their mission so the RTCs are now evil and also you will be subject to fine and imprisonment if you visit Token Jew's website. They also mention that they have tracking in place to monitor the activity of every citizen. This makes me smile as a I picture Nicky's employees sorting through a bunch of porn URLs. Because the the Internet is for Porn.

Samuel and Lionel arrive at the airport, but are stranded due to the cloud. I cry from boredom. But something mildly interesting happens when they hear an angel sound a trumpet calling for yet another judgment.

Anyway the section ends with Judd and Vicki's group also hearing the trumpet. I will end my snark here because I can't take any more boredom.


Firedrake said...

Can we call him the Space Pope?

Did we ever establish what happens to children under the age of 12 who die post-Rapture but pre-End-of-World? I mean, do they get any better class of ticket to heaven by living to the end, or by converting, than they'd have if they were kindly slaughtered by their families as soon as they were born? And if not... why keep them alive through all the suffering?

"This morning's unprecedented solar eclipse is no cause for alarm. Only Dr Hans Zarkov, formerly of NASA..."

Mouse said...

I thought about calling him the Space Pope but then I didn't know if it'd work.

Apocalypse Review said...

Holy smokes. For an action-adventure Christian-themed series aimed at teenagers this section seems very, well, un-action-y. :\

aunursa said...

They also manage to get the safe open and it's full of gold coins. I have no idea why they would be so excited since gold is only valuable as long as there's an infrastructure that says it's valuable

Perhaps a character from an Ayn Rand novel got lost and wandered onto the pages by mistake.

aunursa said...

Did we ever establish what happens to children under the age of 12 who die post-Rapture but pre-End-of-World?

No, but presumably they would have a "Get Out of Hell Free" card. In The only child described in the initial series who is born after the Rapture is Buck and Chloe's offspring, Kenny Bruce Williams, a.k.a. "Jesus Savior Williams" (named by the GC.) He survives the Tribulation and is thus required to accept Jesus before he turns 100.

The Old Maid said...

Consistency --

one of the few things this series is consistent about --

says that kids who die before the Pre-pre-etc-end-of-the-world --

the the end of Volume 16 being the Really We Mean It end of the World --

Consistency says that children who get killed during the tribulation get glorified bodies and minds automatically, just as children who died before the rapture or last century or before the Deluge or after it or (etc., etc.).

As for Judd-in-the-airport, alas he is no Viktor Navorsky. Wonder what Judd would have done if his money didn't work.

Firedrake said...

Thanks, The Old Maid and others.

So really the logical thing to do would be to slaughter everyone born post-Trib, so that they don't suffer - because they're guaranteed to end up in the same place after the TurboJesus Incident. Unless you expect them to be useful tools for evangelism.

The Old Maid said...

Firedrake --

I don't recall if the LB:Kids series eavesdrops on the scene in "The Indwelling" where Chloe thinks about killing her baby. Kenny is about 14 months old, so arguing post-partum depression is dodgy. Basically, Chloe sees toddlers and preschoolers on television being taught an evil mutant version of The Lord's Prayer which is directed to Antichrist Carpathia. She doesn't want that to happen to Kenny, so she begins talking about killing herself and the baby to prevent it. Only she won't kill Kenny herself: she wants Tsion to do it, and he won't. Tsion talks her out of it by saying that if she wants her baby dead, she "would be no better than an abortionist," and she doesn't want that.

Like I said, I can't remember if Judd, Vicky, and the youngsters overhear this argument. I would be very interested in their reaction.