Lickable Toads or Metaphor? Take Your Pick

Lesson learned from Left Behind: the kids: Apparently Ellanjay thinks that everything's made of flint. At some point, Judd and Vicki reach the river and decide to ditch the jeep by putting it in gear and forcing a tire iron down on the accelerator thus causing the jeep to crash into a house which causes both the house and the jeep to explode.

To make this chapter short, Vicki and Judd wisely decide not to cross the river, but Vicki slips and falls into the river. Judd goes in after her, but the current is strong and he can't get to her before she's captured by the GC. This will probably come to nothing like all her previous captures, but it gives her a chance to rack up martyrdom points, though part of me wonders if she's now the new Butt Monkey now that Ryan's dead on account that she's a girl with girl parts and Judd's a mini-Rayford so he's contractually obligated not to suffer anything more than an inconvenience.

So Vicki is shocked, shocked that the evil despots who run the world-wide dictatorship that is the GC, aren't going to give her a trial. Instead, they'll turn her over to their squad commander who will decide what to do with her. Currently my eyes are rolling into the back of my head at Vicki's naivete: again these are despots, what was she expecting?

Judd makes it to the Stahley safehouse. Now to Lionel who tells Darrion and Shelly what happened to Vicki. They decide to seek help from Mr. Stein. Don't ask me what they think Random Jewish Citizen with No Known Connections to the GC will be able to do for them.

Judd meanwhile somehow still has internet connection and reads Token Jew's latest postings. Apparently Token Jew's blog is quite popular even though common sense tells us that the internet is for porn. Basically Token Jew is talking about Revelation 8 and 9. Let's look at these chapters shall we.

I'll spare you the bigass quote and tell you that interpreting them literally is a fool's game. Basically in order for them to make any sense, you have to conclude that John was using metaphor to speak to his audience or there was a lot of highly-lickable toads on the island of Patmos.

I'll sum up Token Jew's message: there will be a huge-ass hail storm mixed with fire that will kill a third of the trees and the grass. Then a huge mountain burning with fire will be thrown into the sea which will kill a third of the living creatures of the sea and sink a third of the ships. Then a star will fall (which hopefully won't be a weak-ass meteor) and turn a third of the water bitter. This star is called Wormwood. And if you're wondering, it is clearly stated that the angels will do all these things or in otherwords, God will rack up a higher body count than the so-called anti-Christ and while these deaths will happen everywhere, they'll mostly be concentrated on the poor and weak because being poor means you have less margin for error of any kind, godly or not. You can be a good, hard-working person and end up screwed all because you happened to be hit by a drought or a flood or something that was beyond your control, while the rich have the means to get to higher ground or take preventative measures. The TF and YTF can stock up on canned food and bottled water, but such means are beyond the reach of the poor who will suffer and die horribly for the crime of being poor. Isn't Zod wonderful?

Sorry for the long-ass rant but they really hit a nerve.

Anyway, I'll throw in a third chapter. I'll stop doing this some day, don't know when; maybe when stuff actually starts to happen.

So what is our manly hero, Judd, doing? Why he's bravely staying in the safehouse, surfing the internet (reading of course only material approved by Token Jew) and chatting with Pavel. Our Hero.

Basically he reads more about the judgments. Next, according to Token Jew, a third of the sun, a third of the moon, and a third of the stars will be darkened. It's yet another passage from Revelation that would make perfect sense if you lived in the first century and had their notion of cosmology, but once again doesn't make sense to shoehorn it into modern thinking. Once again, Judd doesn't make the connection that Zod is going to slaughter everybody which is okay because he's bigger than you and always will be; therefore, might makes right. No wonder Beverly LaHaye moved a thousand miles from her husband; if this is the kind of theology he believes in, then I shudder to think how he treats his wife.

Pavel talks about how Carpathia is rebuilding communications and airports to facilitate travel and Judd self-righteously goes on a rant about how he should be focusing on relief efforts. Really Judd? Because I haven't seen you helping the fire department put out fires or donating blood or being stretcher bearer or doing anything but bravely surfing the net and being a self-righteous ass. Can you tell I hate Judd? I know I'm really subtle about it but I do.

Mr. Stein visits Vicki and even though he's even eeevil heathen Jew, he still wants to help. Still he resists Vicki's attempts to convert him and right now, he's my favorite character.

The chapter ends with Vicki praying as the commander comes into the room to decide her fate.