Sunday, March 27, 2011

Oy Gevalt!

What have the YTF been up to? I'm sure you're all dying to know, so I'll tell you: they've been busy reading email responses to the Underground and giving out Bibles. Thrillsville.

Meanwhile, Vicki is curious to know more about the Steins' daughter, Chaya, so she starts digging around for information and it turns out, despite the Steins saying she's dead, she's actually alive. [cue dramatic prairie dog]

Well, she meets up with Chaya and they talk about her last conversation with Chaya's christian friend, Tom. And Chaya talks about how her parents would have reacted if she had told them she had become a Christian.

"Becoming a heretic. Believing lies. Turning your back on everything you've been taught. I could have robbed a bank, gotten pregnant--whatever--and it wouldn't have been as terrible as becoming a Christian. A couple of years ago a friend of the family became a Christian, and I thought my parents would sit shivah for him on the day he was baptized."


Once again, I am handicapped by the fact I am a Christian and therefore, am ignorant of much of Jewish culture, but right now I'm going, "O RLY?" at the whole they'd rather have me rob a bank than become a Christian. Because it seems like Ellanjay's perception of Jews is that of some guys with beards going "Oy Gevalt." all the time. I bet if I were to ask Ellanjay what Jews eat, they would answer, "Bagels," and they probably think that Jews spend all their time, sitting around denying that Jesus is the Messiah, when in reality, they have their own traditions and own scriptures to debate.

Now to the next chapter. It turns out Judd has decided to leave for Jewishstan, aka Israel. Great show of leadership, genius, leaving a thirteen-year-old and a twelve-year-old to look after each other. Before you ask, Bruce "Useless" Barnes is going with him.

Anyway we get the Athiest Inquisition round deux, but it turns out that Coach Handlesmen was pretending to be on their side. He was the one who returned Mark and John's bibles to them and he has taken all the blame for the YTF's paper.

Anyway to make a long story short, at the end of the second chapter, Bruce and Judd are on their way to Israel and Vicki and Chaya are on the run from the eeevil athiests.

Now to the third chapter.

Bruce and Judd are on the plane and we finally get a brief discussion of dating, though both of them pussy-foot around the subject a little. You just know that Judd is dying to get into Vicki's pants but wants permission from the Pope of Mount Prospect, aka Bruce, and to Bruce's credit, he doesn't exactly say no but neither does he say yes. I guess part of him realizes the old scare stories they use to scare kids into not having sex aren't going to work when the world has less than seven years to live and both Bruce and Judd know it. Still rather than suggest that Judd just marry Vicki and get to shagging, Bruce tells him to work on his relationship with Zod.

Okay, so they get to Israel and meet with Token Jew's wife and kids. Naturally, they are all Christians and they decide to give Judd a tour of Israel. In the hands of a good writer, the telling of all the sacred sites they see and their reaction to it, could take up several pages, but unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, we're in the hands of Ellanjay who delegates all this to one paragraph.

Judd was amazed to think that Jesus had actually walked these same roads, carried the cross, was crucified, and rose again in this ancient land. He was awestruck at the Garden of Gethsemane. That afternoon, the Bible came alive to him.


It's times like this that I wish we were in the hands of a real hack writer like Dan Brown or anybody besides Ellanjay. Reading this passage is like watching a slide show with someone standing in front of the screen the whole time, blocking the view. At least a hack writer would let us see the sites a little.

So Judd goes to Teddy Kollek stadium where Moishe and Eli are proclaiming their message.

"You have been gathered from the twelve tribes of Israel, the chosen ones of the Almighty. And we have been given the high calling of proclaiming his name to every nation, every tribe, every tongue--"


This is supposed to be inspiring but I can't help but wonder which twelve tribes they're talking about. I also doubt that any of the Jews could say for certain which tribe they belong to, because after centuries and centuries of marriages, it would be impossible to distinguish one from another. Not to mention, the bible can't even agree on the tribes. As Fred put it, if I was a Danite, I'd be highly insulted.

They go on to recite basic scripture which anyone remotely familiar with the Bible would know, but Ellanjay realizes they don't have the talent needed to write the words of a prophet so they just quote bits of scripture and have the other characters say how inspiring they are in hopes of covering the deficit.

Anyway, the chapter ends with Vicki being arrested after breaking into Judd's house and I headdesk at her stupidity and decide to let you all discuss Ellanjay's latest failings in the comments section.

6 comments:

Firedrake said...

Giving out Bibles is fair enough, but do they also give out the Secret Decryption Key that lets you convert the Bible into a series of predictions about what's now happening?

Is there actually any point in anyone's going to Israel? I mean, are they going to do anything?

"Bruce and Judd are on the plane and we finally get a brief discussion of dating, though both of them pussy-foot around the subject a little." just leads me to think "Judd, do you like films about gladiators?"

"Still rather than suggest that Judd just marry Vicki and get to shagging, Bruce tells him to work on his relationship with Zod."

And I suppose, as always, Judd doesn't respond "If that's all you can ever say, why don't we replace you with a tape loop? It wouldn't take up as much room in the sooper s3kr1t hole in the ground."

As usual, I think one can get something from the "standing in front of the screen"; to L&J, the where-Jesus-was of the scene is the most important thing about it, not the actual visual impression (and they're appallingly bad at descriptions on the rare occasions when they try anyway).

detroitmechworks said...

Oy Gevalt...

EllenJay know nothing about being Jewish. End Message. Seriously. Read a BOOK! Hell, Read the Princess Bride! At least that one was WRITTEN by a Jew, so you might get some of the attitude right by osmosis.

Aaand of course since this is not only a Christian Novel, but a Junior Christian novel, sex is not even something we need to worry about. I'm just hoping that they get to heaven, find out that God's the only one doing the judging, and one of his standards is, "You will be judged according to all the good things he created that you did not indulge in."

(One of these days, I'm going to bring up the novel Riverworld, and the fact that even though a free joint was given with every meal on the world, there were still people who believed that it was a test and that people should not smoke it...

aunursa said...

they probably think that Jews spend all their time, sitting around denying that Jesus is the Messiah

Yeah, my rabbi just posted his sermon schedule for the next several weeks:

Apr 2 - Why Jesus is not the Messiah
Apr 9 - Isaiah 53 - the forbidden chapter we can't figure out
Apr 16 - Christ is NOT in the Passover
Apr 23 - How to distract children from asking about Easter
Apr 30 - Avoiding Christian missionaries
May 7 - Is a blood sacrifice required for atonement?
May 14 - Ezekiel's blueprint for the Third Temple
May 21 - Why "Angel of the Lord" passages don't really refer to Jesus
May 28 - Innoculating our college students from evangelism

/L&J caricature

Murfyn said...

the old scare stories they use to scare kids into not having sex aren't going to work when the world has less than seven years to live
I bounced over here from Slacktivist. Hi Mouse. Sounds like the YTF are as bad as the TF.
But I digress. Wanted to say that nearly seven years is plenty of time to, shall we say, affect the trajectory of one's life. In that much time I got married (way too young (both of us)) got a full-time job and enjoyed 'playing house' for several years, went through a painful divorce and spent some time homeless. Not to say that it was bad, I had a lot of fun and learned a lot (so did she I hope), but saying that nearly seven years is a good amount of time.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mouse! I'm really glad I've found your blog (I came here from slacktivist too) and I'm really glad the books are turning out to be every bit as awful^H^H^H^H^H good as I'd expected. Keep up the good work!

Evil Paul said...

Sounds like Judd's modelling his leadership style off of Bruce's. The YTF is facing the atheist inquisition at home, one of their members has been "arrested" (sort of) and their underground newspaper is in danger of being shut down? Perfect time to go on that vacation to the Holy Land!

After all, what's really important isn't your followers, it's your place at their head. So long as they accept your authority, then you are a good leader.