Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Foreign McForeign. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Foreign McForeign. Sort by date Show all posts

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Bonjour, you Cheese-Eating Surrender-Monkeys!

The chapter begins with Judd wandering around with his backstage pass, looking for Westin. While part of me is pleased that the heroes are doing something heroic in trying to save someone, part of me wonders why. Westin's said The Prayer; if anything happens to him, he gets a one-way ticket to Heaven. Shouldn't Judd steal a microphone, go on stage, and preach to the heathens until the GC drag him away?

Also notable about this first section: he overhears the villains committing torture. Not fake torture, like depriving Chloe of food for a few hours, but actual torture. Basically Z-Van keeps shoving Westin's head under water and trying to get him to convert. It's not much by way of torture, if you ask me, but I am desperate for any crumb of suffering here.

Lionel, meanwhile, is walking through the crowd, praying for some kind of help. He gets his answer when he notices a Believer reading the French edition of Buck Williams's "The Truth." Why this believer is dumb enough to print up contraband from a forbidden website and walk out in the open with it is beyond me. But I've accepted that both sides, good and evil, are dumber than dirt. He agrees to help Lionel but says he needs to find his son first. I look forward to finding out this Good Samaritan's name because given Ellanjay's tin ear when it comes to naming characters, it's going to be something unbelievably foreign. In fact, I'm surprised they didn't name a character, Foreign McForeign. That's what I'm going to call this character until he is given a name.

So Judd is trying to rescue Westin. And to my surprise, we get a brief mention of that previous scene where Judd caused a Morale Monitor to be trampled. Granted, it's only a line but I'm surprised just to see it mentioned again. He wonders if he'll have to hurt a guard to get Westin out of Z-Van's clutches. If you're wondering, the answer is no. Westin does all the dirty work, beating up the guard and forcing him to drink something that renders him unconscious, thus leaving Judd morally as white as snow. There is another action scene with more guards coming in, but since all action scenes in these books are boring as hell, I'll just spoil it for you: Judd and Westin slip away.

The second chapter begins with Mark and the others watching Z-Van's concert. Z-Van has set up a guillotine and is calling the RTCs out.

“We have at least one with us tonight who has not taken the mark of our beloved leader. Who, as it turns out, still believes in the tired, lifeless God of the Bible. The God of legends and fairy tales and death and destruction. A God who, if we can believe those stories, wiped out the earth with a flood and then says he loves the world. A God who allows all manner of suffering. A God who demands perfection.”

I know not everyone who reads my blog gets my fan-love for Z-Van, but once again, Strawman Has A Point. To paraphrase aunursa, according to the RTCs, God gave his people the law knowing they couldn't possibly follow it and has spent centuries punting them into Hell for not following the law.

No Z-Van song lyrics for you this time, sorry. But after his song, Z-Van stops flying and unveils a statue of Nicky and demands that people bow before it.

Judd and Westin run. They find Lionel standing by a car and meet up with him. I'm going to assume that this car is Foreign McForeign's ForeignMobile. Because remember, he's foreign. That's all the personality traits he needs.

So Foreign McForeign is speeding away from Z-Van's concert and offers to take them to meet the French community of RTCs. I'm a little surprised that Ellanjay are willing to admit that a bunch of Cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys can become manly RTCs. After all, isn't France invoked as a bogeyman in their literature (i.e. "If we don't do this, we'll soon be all Godless and European, like France.")?

Oh and we finally get Foreign McForeign's real name. Are you ready? drumroll His name is Jacques Madeleine. I knew his name would be so French it might as well be superFrench and Ellanjay didn't disappoint. I'm going to keep calling him Foreign McForeign though, just for funsies.

Mark continues to watch the concert, watching as people accept the Mark and are therefore, damned forever. But an anonymous soul, who shows more guts than the entirety of the Tribbles, comes on stage and preaches to everyone. Naturally the chapter ends with him getting guillotined in front a cheering crowd, but still, give him credit for actually believing in The Great Commission as opposed to the Tribbles who smirk about how they've got it all figured out.

I'm throwing on a third chapter as a treat for y'all. Besides, the snark was looking skimpy.

The chapter begins with a brief interlude from Vicki. Vicki is, for those of you who've forgotten or don't care, trapped in some weird Survivalist underground prison. Somehow she convinces the lady redoing the duct tape not to duct tape her hands behind her back. And she does because a group of paranoid survivalists would care about the comfort of their prisoners and not just give them a bullet between the eyes.

Meanwhile, Judd and Lionel are at Foreign McForeign's house. Foreign McForeign decides to tell us his story.

“In my country, the disappearances did not create as much confusion as it did in the rest of the world. We lost less than one percent of our population. But many of us have been searching for answers for years. Some turn to astrology or strange religions. Others seek answers in psychiatry or use drugs to dull their pain. Many don’t want to think about what happens when we die, so they pour their lives into today, the now.

So in addition to being effete, secular, limp-wristed, and possibly homosexual, the French also hardly have any children. Because in case Ellanjay have forgotten, EVERY KID UNDER TWELVE DISAPPEARED DURING THE RAPTURE TOO! But I guess maybe they figure a bunch of cheese-eating surrender-monkeys don't care about their kids.

But then again, according to this comic, Captain America really hates America . If you're wondering why I posted that link, there's really no reason, just something I post whenever someone brings up the whole French are wusses meme.

Anyway, to sum up Foreign McForeign's story, the Rapture happened, then the Wrath of the Lamb-quake, then he saw The Light.

After Foreign McForeign tells his story, he receives some sad news: apparently the anonymous soul who did what the Tribbles only talk about doing (witnessing to the heathens) was his son, Perryn. Foreign McForeign hasn't fully embraced the RTC ethos of not feeling anything because afterwards, he starts crying. Or maybe that's supposed to be proof that Foreign McForeign is all poofy and French because manly men don't cry.

They turn on the news and hear Leon talking about the use of the guillotine at Z-Van's concert. But we do get a rare show of emotion from one of the characters that isn't French.

“That would have been me,” Westin whispered. “It should have been.” Wails from the next room saddened Judd. There was no denying that evil forces would stop at nothing to kill followers of the true God.

Like I said, why did they rescue Westin again? He and all the RTCs should seize every public moment to win souls to their side by preaching until they're carted away. But that would require actual courage, not alpha male posturing.

I'll sum up Vicki's part of the plot: she tries to escape but fails.

And that's enough for this week.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Dredging up Forgotten Characters

So Judd is a little shaken by Foreign McForeign's offer. So shaken that he makes a very contradictory statement that makes me go "What?!" in confusion.

Judd had known this man less than twenty-four hours, but he already felt like the father Judd no longer had.

Again, they've barely had any screen time together yet Judd is already thinking about how Foreign McForeign is like his father. I suppose it could work, if it was established that Judd was seriously traumatized by all the disasters he'd been through and therefore would latch onto any older male as a father figure, but Judd doesn't act the least bit traumatized. The End of Days seem about as dramatic as banging your elbow on the table.

Of course, part of me wonders if Foreign McForeign just wants a replacement for his dead son. Judd, word of advice: if he starts dressing you in his son's clothes and calling you by his name, run. Forget honor, forget dignity, time for some good old-fashioned GTFO.

At least that's what would happen if trauma actually affected people in these books. But apparently, Foreign McForeign desires neither a replacement son or Judd's nubile flesh.

“With your contacts in the States and around the world, you could be an asset to our group,” Jacques said.

I can't be the only one going, "Uh, what contacts?" But then I remember: even though they haven't been seen or mentioned for many pages, Judd is tangentially connected to Our Buck and St. Rayford. Everyone, good or bad in these books, recognizes the awesomeness of Ellanjay's self-inserts.

Foreign McForeign asks him to pray, saying that Lionel mentioned there was someone special waiting for Judd. Oh boy, more ham-fisted attempts to pair up Judd and Vicki even though they haven't been on the same continent for several books now. I think Nada had more screen time and more flirting with Judd, but since she's dead, that ship's sunk.

Judd shows a picture of Vicki and we can add another mention of Ryan to our counter. Once again, I ask myself why didn't I start a count after his death just so I can prove how little Ryan, aka the kids' series Butt Monkey, matters to his friends. But I'm too lazy to scroll through God-only-knows how many posts/books.

But Judd admits that the last time they were together, he was a real jerk towards Vicki. But then again, all the male characters in the kids' version seem to volley between either being a total jerk or being a non-entity with few if any discernible personality traits.

Foreign McForeign says that if she's said she's willing to forgive you, she must have feelings for you. Judd asks whether Foreign McForeign and his wife fought. Foreign McForeign says they did at first but the process of getting together knocks a lot of the rough edges away.

I suppose there are some disgusting sexual politics to take apart here, but compared with the adult books (for example, St. Rayford's treatment of Hattie), these are mild infractions. Plus, like I've said before, I like these rare moments where they try to develop character and not shove another disaster or sermon onstage.

Vicki has decided to leave and take Tanya with her. Mark is on board with it, but the rest aren't. Finally, Vicki decides she'll meet up with Chloe.

Vicki thought of several people she would like to talk with. Judd. Ryan. Bruce. Two of them were dead, and Judd was halfway around the world. A face flashed in her mind, and she turned to Becky. “Chloe Williams. She really seemed interested in me when we talked a long time ago.”

First of all, yet another mention of Ryan! Secondly, as I recall, but am too lazy to scroll through old posts to do so, wasn't the last time Chloe and Vicki were onstage some time in the single-digit books? I recall Chloe talking about how being separated from Our Buck made her love him more; as I recall, it was before they were married, so yeah. Word of advice, Ellanajay, stop doing the cute little trick where you dredge up characters the reader's long forgotten about because there's only so much space in your memory and no one has any discernible traits to make it worth remembering them. In fact, since Chloe runs the Magical Co-op that everyone must shop at, because of The Mark, we should have had more mention of her sooner. But I'm guessing that they think running a Co-op during the End of Days is light work compared with the work of manly men like Rayford and Buck who do, what exactly?

We get a brief interlude with Chang. Nicky's planning to nuke Chicago. That might be shocking if he hadn't already nuked nine cities in one of the single-digit books. Not to mention that said nuking of nine cities didn't affect anything, so neither will nuking one work.

Sam types up something for his blog, "The Petra Diaries." Needless to say, it's not going to upset Porn as the most studied thing on the Internet. But here's a small sampling.

Ben-Judah stood and spoke to us. Following is what he said in my own words. Dr. Ben-Judah asked us to think about the five most important events of history. See if you agree with him. The first event was God’s creation of the world. Second came the worldwide flood of Noah’s day. Third, the birth of Jesus Christ.

Uh, there's nothing in there about the Babylonian Captivity. It's a pretty important event in Jewish history; much of the Old Testament deals with the ramifications of it. I suppose you can argue it's not really world history given that it mostly involves the Jewish people and not the whole world, but given how The Old Testament shaped the New and how the Bible in general, whether you like it or not, has shaped world history, I still think leaving it out is a grievous error.

If you're wondering, the other two events of history are The Rapture and the Glorious Appearing three years later when TurboJesus returns, this time packing heat.

He talks about how after TurboJesus triumphs over every foe, they'll be peace on Earth, and more babble about how all this horrific suffering is our loving father trying to get your attention, even though He's proven he can witness to his people without killing them. There's really not much more to go into with Sam's message, just more talk about the 144,000 non-virginal evangelists. It ends with an altar call.

The chapter ends with Vicki observing the Mountain Militia approaching Colin's underground hideout. And I've decided to end my snark on one chapter for this week. I didn't know it would get so long when I sat down to write it, honest! Sorry about the post title: couldn't think of a decent one for this week.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Deus ex Machina is Strong with this One

So Judd's still hanging with the French Believers and while he does, he decides to browse through Foreign McForeign's photo album. Because peeking at someone's personal memories is A-Okay. There really isn't much to go into with this section, just that John 10:10 is mentioned. Once again, they neglect to mention that in that section, which is about The Good Shepherd, Jesus doesn't also say, "And if the sheep reject their shepherd, I will turn them over to the wolves to tear apart forever and ever."

Next section, all that happens is Sam decides to start a blog called "The Petra Diaries." I'm serious; that's all that happens.

Mark and the others are futzing around with night vision goggles when Colin essentially tells them to go to bed. Mark complains about being treated like a child, but hello, they are children. Still standard teenage gripe, so points for realism. The section ends with this little bit, which I'm quoting because I found it interesting.

Mark put his head back and pretended to sleep, but thoughts raced through his mind. Maybe it was time for him to leave, perhaps go to the other Wisconsin hideout or join a band of believers in the commodity co-op. There were a lot of ways to fight the enemy besides hiding below ground.

As he started out of the house, Shelly put an arm on Mark’s shoulder. “We’ll be praying for you.”

As I recall but am too lazy to scroll through old posts, Mark was the one who wanted to join a militia group earlier on in the series, so props for consistency. When Shelly says "We'll be praying for you," I'm going to assume she'll be praying for Mark to see the light and accept the Tribbles' ethos of doing nothing.

Again, I know according to Ellanjay the prophecies are immutable (i.e. can't be changed) but as many more eloquent have pointed out, that doesn't necessarily mean the characters can't be doing stuff, like trying to feed, shelter, and clothed those who have suffered as a result of the myriad disasters. But like I said, the Tribbles don't even bother to do that.

Okay, I admit I've been ignoring Vicki because not much has been happening (she tries to escape but fails is basically all that happens), but now I think we might be getting somewhere. Don't hold your breath though. Excitement must have done something terrible to Ellanjay when they were kids because they sure hate it.

The Survivalists are sitting down to eat, when Ty basically says he's starting to wonder if Vicki's right. Others pipe in and Cyrus goes into full meltdown mood, firing a shotgun and dragging Vicki off.

The next chapter begins with Cyrus dragging Vicki away. Several of his cult confront him, saying that he's crossed the line. Naturally Cyrus doesn't listen. His cult members try to shoot him but Cyrus made sure their guns only had blanks in them.

But just as one of the protagonists is under the threat of lasting harm, Ty leaps on his father, allowing Vicki to escape and meet up with her friends.

Judd, meanwhile, feels a little guilt over the death of Perryn, Foreign McForeign's son.

Judd nodded. “I can’t help but think that your helping us kept you from your son.”
Jacques pursed his lips. “I admit I have thought the same thing, but my wife brought up a good point. Perhaps my helping you was God’s way of sparing my life. If I had waded into that group, my son and I would both have died.”

:grinds teeth: If you had waded into that group, to use your words, you, just like your son, would be in Heaven. You guys should be doing what Perryn did: seizing every waking moment to win converts to your side. At least that's what you would do if you had actual courage as opposed to alpha male posturing.

So other French RTCs talk about their memories of Perryn and I have to admit, it's not a bad scene. Like I've said before it's nice when the writers ease of the expository gas and allow the characters time to react and feel something about the latest events. More and more, I like Perryn and wish to add him, posthumously, to my list of favorite characters. While he's not as awesome as Taylor or Hasina, he's still pretty cool in that he did what the RTC characters in these books only occasionally think about doing.

Perryn's mother (who hasn't been given a name because she's one of those silly womenfolk) reads Perryn's favorite passage. For those wondering, it's part of 2 Corinthians, chapter four. I'll spare you and not do a bigass quote, but I will note just how Ellanjay completely miss the point because that's what I do.

Judd wiped away a tear and wrote the reference down on a scrap of paper. Those verses perfectly described how every believer had to live at this time in history. He couldn’t wait to send the passage to the others in the Young Trib Force.

So apparently Paul's second letter to the Corinthians wasn't meant for them; he, like every writer in the Bible, was writing about some indeterminate point in the future. Thank goodness, Darby and Scofield came along to set everyone straight. :eyeroll:

The chapter ends with Vicki at the hideout. But uh-oh, Mark's pissed.

“That doesn’t excuse what you did. I can’t go on without saying or doing something, and that’s led me to a hard decision.”
“Which is?” Vicki said.
“We can’t stay together and not be accountable.” Mark looked at the others. “And it’s clear I’m the one who has the problem with this.” He took a deep breath. “Either I need to leave or Vicki needs to go.”

Frankly, I can see Mark's point: Vicki did endanger their entire group with her "Witness to the Crazy Survivalists" plan. Then again, witnessing is what they're supposed to do. But don't worry, Vicki. Mark will eventually realize you're a main character and therefore he will back down.

Again, snark is skimpy. I don't know if or when I'll stop doing three-chapter snarks but here we are.

The chapter begins with Sam walking around. He talks to Naomi and we get more exposition. Apparently Token Jew is going to show up and deliver another message. I'm guessing in another chapter because I flipped ahead and didn't see him in this one. So we have that to look forward to.

Judd talks to Chang. Apparently the Greek Believers managed to escape a trap thanks to Deus ex Machina. But then again, the Deus ex Machina basically drives this entire plot. If your wondering, the archangel Michael blinded the GC plane so they couldn't stop the Believers from taking off.

Judd turns on the news and we get more from Leon and Nicky. Leon does the standard "Bwaaah! Bwaah! Those Jewishy Jews will suffer!" speech which I'm assuming Ellanjay put in there to diffuse accusations that they are anti-Semitic. "How can we be when the only characters wanting the extinction of the Jewish people are bad guys!" Nicky, if you're wondering, plans on laying siege and starving the people of Petra out rather than further attacks. Not a bad idea but given that the Deus ex Machina is strong with this story, Nicky will be as weak and ineffectual as a paper parasol umbrella is in a hurricane.

Vicki mopes and decides that Mark is right that she should leave. Cue dramatic prairie dog. I still say this will, like everything else, come to nothing.

The chapter ends with the French Believers holding a memorial service for Perryn. For those wondering, here's the passage that closes out the chapter and this week's snark.

“Do not blame yourself, Judd. God is never surprised at our suffering or at death. He knows the end from the beginning, and though I don’t understand, I do trust him.”
Judd nodded and leaned against the building.
“I want to ask you a question. Think about your answer. Your presence here is not by mistake. And I sense in you—and in your friends—the same spirit in my son. A desire to follow God wholeheartedly and tell others of him.”
Jacques took hold of Judd’s shoulders. “Perhaps you were sent here by God to finish the work Perryn began. Would you consider staying until his vision is complete?”

I can't be the only one who thinks this passage between Foreign McForeign and Judd reeks of Ho Yay. Again, why is it that RTCs are some of the best creators of Ho Yay around?

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Love and Marriage Go Together Like a Horse-Drawn Carriage

Again, normally telling or summarizing when you should be showing would be a bad thing, but it's more bearable in this series, because it's less stuff for me to suffer through. It is kind of impossible to snark, so I'll just summarize: Vicki leads the seven former militia members in The Prayer. And yes, it is the same exact prayer. The thing works like the Bloody Mary chant: as long as you don't say it, you're not an RTC. When you do, you instantly become one and enter into the hive mind that all RTCs share.

Lionel talks to Foreign McForeign about how Judd feels obligated to stay. Foreign McForeign acknowledges that maybe he's struggling with his own issues related to his son's death. He decides he doesn't want Judd staying out of guilt and promises to go talk to him.

Vicki's section begins, again, with a lot of summarizing. I'll sum it up for you: the new believers are oohing and aahing as Vicki and the others walk them through the prophecies. I would give my right boob to see a character, in response to the walkthrough, go, "Hey wait a minute, you go to this verse in I Thessalonians while ignoring all the other verses in the chapter then jump to Daniel than back to another...how is this a straightforward reading of the Bible?" But something tells me that will never happen so I guess I can give up on my dreams of being an Amazon.

Vicki launched into lessons correcting Cyrus’s teaching about the end of the world. The people were glad they could read the passages themselves rather than being told what to believe.

That sound you hear is me headdesking. Thing is, the militia heretics may have left Cyrus's teachings behind, but they've only traded one cruel interpretation of God for another. Like I've said before, Ellanjay keep insisting that Cyrus's militia is totally wrong but frankly, with the exception of their Hindu beliefs, they're basically RTCianity scrubbed with a dirty sponge.

But in the midst of all this, Vicki receives a phone call from Judd. Again, more attempts to pair them together even though they haven't been on the same continent for several books and only recently have they given more than a passing thought to each other. But fear not, fellow readers, we don't have to suffer through pages of characters confessing their love for one another: that would actually develop character in a more subtle approach than their usual sledgehammer approach. Instead we get, everybody say it together, Exposition!

I'll take you through this as quickly as I can. Judd asks that they pray for Chang. I wonder if Vicki knows anything about Chang. Again, I'm forced to conclude that RTCs share a hive mind like the Borg. Chang's worried about his parents because the GC are rounding up all the Jews and Unmarked.

Vicki talks about how she's been thinking about leaving the hideout she's currently in and going to the other Wisconsin hideout. Judd says she's should come to France. Vicki's like "I promised Cheryl I'd be there when she had her baby," which makes me raise an eyebrow. Just how much time has passed in the LB-verse? Because it seems not too long ago she was only three months along. But I'm not going to waste too many brain cells on this question. Let's move on.

Maybe the writers anticipated my critique about how this conversation is entirely exposition and very little character development, because it ends with Judd professing his love for Vicki. Vicki hangs up and calls the other Wisconsin hideout, which is in Avery, and asks if she could come stay with them. But as they talk, Vicki hears a rumbling sound and the windows shake. She looks out to see a mushroom cloud and turns on the television to hear that Chicago has been nuked. Me, I'm like, hello, they've already nuked Chicago in one of the single digit books and it didn't affect anything so why is everyone so shocked?

The chapter ends with Vicki receiving a phone call from Chloe.

The bulk of the next chapter is taken up with the conversation between Vicki and Chloe. I swear Ellanjay must get a hard-on whenever they hear a phone ring. And now I've filled your heads with that imagery, let's move on.

Chloe basically says that the tribbles made it out of Chicago safe and sound, which isn't surprising: RTCs aren't allowed to die by nukes or radiation poisoning, only in manly martyrdom scenes that give them a chance to grandstand before getting killed. Steve Plank is dead, but given that he's an adult character who never appeared or was mentioned before this point, I ask why did the writers put that in? The readers have no reason to care. I know, aunursa, he matters more in the adult books, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that a good series stands on its own. If you have to read a whole bunch of supplementary material in order to understand what's going on (like say the sixteen book adult series) then your series sucks. Of course, the fact that both series (16 adult books, 40 kids) are so damn long speaks either to Ellanjay's incompetence as writers or their avarice or both.

Chloe talks about how angels blinded the GC so they couldn't see them take off. Again, for all their boasting, RTCs are sure terrified of death even though by their own philosophy they have no reason to be. If the GC shot their planes out of the sky, they'd all go to heaven and get the Super Special Awesome Upgraded bodies, right? The angels should be out there witnessing and performing miracles for the undecided.

They talk some more about Our Buck's brother, a passage I'm going to ignore since I've forgotten much of the stuff with his brother. I'll sum it up: Buck's brother is dead.

Then Vicki asks a surprising question, saying, "Is it wrong to start a family during the tribulation?" I say this is a surprising question, because it's the first instance of any RTC considering that the End of Days may not be an ideal time to raise a child. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, why didn't Zod just make everyone sterile during this seven-year window? The only thing I can conclude is because he likes killing children in horrific ways but heaven forbid you suggest any of the characters get an abortion. Zod can kill any number of sentient beings he likes but humans are forbidden from aborting the unborn, even though by their own theology, don't the RTCs believe that no sin is a deal-breaker so long as you confess and ask for forgiveness? Therefore, theoretically the characters could have abortions, confess, and remain free and clear in Zod's eyes, right?

Sorry to go so long on the same point, but stuff needed to be said. Anyway, here's Chloe's response.

Chloe laughed. “I suppose there were people who thought the times were too tough for romance. And some said it was foolish to bring up a child at this time. Tsion quoted a famous author who said, ‘A baby is God’s way of saying he wants the world to go on.’ I’ll admit I wasn’t ready for marriage at the time of the disappearances, but believing in Christ changed me. It made me more mature.”

First of all, that Tsion quote might apply if YOU WEREN'T LIVING IN THE FREAKING END OF DAYS! THE WORLD ISN'T GOING TO GO ON! IT HAS LESS THAN THREE YEARS LEFT TO LIVE!

Secondly, yeah, I've seen selections from the adult books, I know about the "more mature" Chloe. She goes from being a Stanford grad who somehow made her way across more than half the US during the Rapture, when the roads were filled with wrecked cars and planes, to being a whiny brat who throws flowers in trash and sulks and snipes at her love interest rather than confront him when she thinks he's cheating on her.

Vicki's like, "So you don't have any regrets?" Chloe's response:

“About marriage? None. Things are hard at times. Buck and I butt heads, and it would be easier to make decisions on my own instead of being accountable to another person, but I can’t imagine life without him. We’re a team. Why do you ask?”

When exactly have she and Buck butted heads post-marriage? From what I can tell, following marriage, she becomes a proper submissive Stepford wife, just like Mrs. LaHaye, who believes so strongly that women shouldn't have careers and should be devoted solely to their husbands that she moved a thousand miles away from her husband. Then again, if I was married to Tim LaHaye, I'd do the same.

Vicki brings up Judd and is like, "What if this distracts me from serving God?" Chloe says, "If God's calling you to be together, it could make you both even more effective." Vicki then asks about all those verses about staying single, but Chloe quotes Proverbs and says that marriage is set up by God and if he means for it to happen with you and Judd, it will."

We then end this long conversation about marriage and get into more exposition. Vicki tells her that Judd's stuck in France. Chloe tells her that she might be able to get a flight out to him, but said flight will take him to Petra then to the US via South Carolina.

Judd has apparently decided that he'll go back to the US with Westin and Lionel. That is all that happens in his section.

The chapter and this snark ends with Vicki and her crew noticing armed figures approaching their hideout. I'm going to assume this is Cyrus and his band of merry men. If you don't mind spoilers, I've already peeked ahead: Cyrus dies unsaved so we're spared yet another conversion scene. Wanna bet that once he's dead, his children, Ty and Tanya, don't give a single passing thought to the fact that he's in Hell? Just like any compassionate RTC...

Sunday, January 3, 2016

It Just Raises Too Many Questions...

Well, after much procrastination, I'm finally here and ready to snark. So how did everybody spend Christmas/New Year's Eve? I got some awesome gifts, which almost makes up for the fact that this holiday is less a joyous occasion and more an endurance march. Plus, it requires more interaction with people than an isolated weirdo such as myself enjoys. Maybe some humans are social animals but not me. As for New Year's Eve, well, didn't really do much. In addiction to being isolated and weird, I also don't enjoy alcohol, so yeah, kind of miss the point of New Year's celebrations. Everyone keeps saying, whenever I mention that so far every time I've imbibed alcohol, I thought it was terrible and wondered what the fuss was about, that I should try X and I would like it, but I still think I just lack the gene needed to appreciate alcohol and if that's the case, probably isn't any point in trying to change things.

But on New Year's Day, I did finally scratch something off my bucket list by seeing a live screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was pretty awesome, though you can see why this movie flopped when it initially premiered. Probably just too weird for a mainstream audience, even by the standards of the seventies. Oh and Tim Curry is disturbingly attractive as Frank-n-Furter. There, I said it. I wonder what this says about my sexuality, but given in a previous post, I revealed that I long for a Gay man's tender touch (Neil Patrick Harris, if you're wondering), maybe this revelation isn't too disturbing for my blog readers to handle.

Well, after last time's which consisted of Nicky's speech, which despite all the villainous "Bwaah-Bwaah" stuff, it actually made some good points. So now we're back with the Heroes Who Don't Do Anything.

As you can probably guess, of course, there's a lot of telling rather than showing. Telling requires less work and like I've said, if you really showed just how horrific all this would be, both psychologically and physically, it would really cut down on the fun of gloating. And they wouldn't be good RTCs if they didn't gloat over the misfortune of others.

OVER the next several weeks, Judd noticed a flurry of activity in Petra. Nicolae’s war plans were in full effect, and his persecution increased. There were more beheadings and more torture of prisoners, and the hunt for Judah-ites continued. News had come of a GC raid in France. A chateau filled with suspected Judah-ites had been discovered, and all the occupants had been beheaded.

Okay, so I imagine they can't really delve too far into what it's like to suffer under a massive dictatorship. Unlike so many who actually went through this kind of shit in real life, the Tribbles have what they don't. They have absolute confirmation that they are in the right and most importantly, they have an actual end date. They know this will come to an end after seven years and afterwards, they'll get to enjoy a sexless paradise on Earth where they can feast on steaming piles of produce for all eternity. So okay, no matter how much they may circle-jerk about how RTCs will have it worse during those seven years than the Jews did under the Hitler* and Cambodia did under Pol Pot and indeed, they will suffer, we know there's some key differences.

Fair enough. But y'know, I imagine even under those circumstances, even when you know how this is all going to end and that So-and-So's in Heaven, you'd think it would still actually hurt to lose someone you care about.

I'm assuming the reference to the Chateau in France exists to serve as a callback for anyone foolish enough to have endured these books and actually held onto some of the characters' names. :raises hand: Said callback is probably referring to Jacques Madeleine aka the guy I dubbed Foreign McForeign because even that name has more dignity than being a Frenchman named Jacques Madeleine. Though again, I remained shocked that they actually had a French character and presented him in a positive light in this series. Given that the Right, both the political and religious version (though there's really very little distinction), really hate the French, even though America wouldn't have won its independence without France's help, again I'm a little surprised. Though if nothing else, it gives me an excuse to post a comic page which proves once and for all, that Captain America secretly hates America.

I know, I made a cultural reference that's only tangentially related to the material at hand, what else is new? But like I said, I look for any excuse to post that page.

Anyway, the first section is spent with Judd talking on the phone with Darrion. We couldn't have had this told from Darrion's perspective and actually witness the events mentioned firsthand, WHY EXACTLY?! Then again, that would flesh out Darrion's character and all we really need to know is that she's one of the female members of the Minor Character Cloud (MCC). It's like I keep saying: once you know basic details about a character (Name, age, gender, etc.) you can more or less chart out their trajectory in this series, see if they'll bow and accept TurboJesus or serve as a cautionary tale and get a Bridge Dropped on them.

Darrion says that they are staying at a place run by a guy named Enoch Dumas. I took the liberty of googling his name to find out his ethnicity/nationality, because with a name like that, he had to be either some ethnicity besides White or from some other country besides America. Turns out he's American, but he's :gasp: Black. Even though Lionel Washington manages to have a fairly ordinary name despite being Black. Yeah, I'm going to do what I usually do in situations like this: provide a link in hopes of educating the Ignorant and move on.

“His name is Enoch Dumas,” Darrion said over a scratchy phone line. “He was head of a group living in downtown Chicago. That’s where Chloe found them and then brought them into the Strong Building.”

“Where are they now?” Judd said.

“They split up after they left the Strong Building. Now Enoch and a bunch of his friends are here in Palos Hills. It’s a pretty rough group. Lots of former prostitutes and druggies. Sweet people, actually. They know what it means to be forgiven.”

Judd explained the persecution they had seen over the past few weeks. “Is it safe there?”

“We’re in the basement of an abandoned house. Others are scattered through the neighborhood. There are more than seventy, and Enoch says we’ll probably reach a hundred before Jesus comes back.”

I have to mention I spend much of this passage being like "Wasn't Chicago nuked recently? In fact, as I recall, it was the second time Chicago had been nuked and there was this hullabaloo over how it was a good thing that Chloe and everyone that mattered, got out before it happened."

Yeah, you really wonder what Ellanjay would say if you asked either of them, Jerry Jenkins or Tim LaHaye, point-blank "How do Nuclear Weapons work?" That and sometimes you fight the tendency to beat them and anyone who advocates "Nuke 'em all and let God sort 'em out" to death with a book called Sadako and the Paper Cranes. Spoiler alert, for those who have the sense to not click on a depressing link: turns out the nuclear weapons aren't exactly precision weapons and have a tendency to rack up more innocent civilians than the Super-Bad people who totally deserve a horrific death. But then again, who knew that more than one person lived in Japan, Iraq, Iran, or whatever country the Right's chomping at the bit to go to war with? Also, many of the people living in said countries are in fact ordinary people who live their lives, pay their taxes, work hard at their jobs, and :gasp: love their friends and relatives much like Americans do. Again, I'm just going to post another link and get on with the snark.

And Darrion gives us this story, which again, would have been nice to witness firsthand. Don't worry, I'll soon get to pointing out all the many, many holes in said "touching" story. I've leave out the "How does Chicago still exist?" one because I've already tackled it, but that still leaves plenty to point out.

Darrion chuckled. “Yeah, and they’re nothing like the Young Trib Force meetings. People come in here, sing, and tell their stories. One man yesterday told how he had kept from taking Carpathia’s mark. Not because he was a believer—he was just scared of getting a disease through the tattoo. His name is Adrian, and a GC Peacekeeper found him one day in a stairwell of some old apartment building. Before the Peacekeeper could react, Adrian hit him over the head with a pipe. Knocked him out cold.”

“What did Adrian do then?”

“He went through the Peacekeeper’s pockets looking for Nicks or food. You have to understand what it’s like on the streets now. There’s so much crime, but the GC only seems to be interested in getting people without Carpathia’s mark.”

“They don’t report it on GCNN, but we’ve heard how bad it’s getting.”

“Well, guess what Adrian finds in the Peacekeeper’s pocket? A pamphlet explaining the gospel. We think the Peacekeeper found it in some church or on a believer. Anyway, this Carpathia follower was actually a missionary because Adrian took the pamphlet, read it, and gave his heart to God.”

“Incredible.”

“He was so glad to find our group, not just because we have food and can give him protection, but to be near other believers. He didn’t know he had the mark of the believer until he got here.”

Yeah, there's never any singing or story-telling at a Tribbles' meetings.
That never occurs!

Seriously, unless these Chicago believers conduct all their singing and story-telling with Semaphore, there's nothing different about their services. One final question, before I move onto my next point in this snark: out of curiosity, if you express too much brutal sarcasm within a short period, will you eventually lose the ability to express any other emotion? Just curious, because I have enough social difficulties without having to add that to the list.

Also, regarding Adrian...given that a large portion of the homeless population suffers from some form of mental illness that raises some disturbing questions. I really hope that Ellanjay would be merciful towards those who suffer from some form of mental retardation yet were above the "Too Tall to Be Raptured" line (though I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if it never occurred to them that people like that exist), but how would they feel about someone so addled as a result of psychosis that it's a miracle they know what the color the sky is on any given day? Again, they believe that the evidence of God is plainly visible and that the only reason everyone hasn't bent the knee and said The Prayer is because they stick their fingers in their ears and go "La-la-la Can't hear you!" but thing about psychosis is that the people afflicted with it, aren't receiving accurate input from their senses in the first place.

So if someone in the grips of full-blown psychosis got The Mark either because they were hungry and didn't know what they were agreeing to (see previous remarks about their senses), or because it was done to them while they were spending a few nights in a jail or hospital before being turfed, would they still be damned, even if they immediately regretted it after they cycled out of their mental illness? Because for those ignorant, most mental illnesses come in cycles, even the scary ones that really freak people out, like Schizophrenia and the like. Or in other words, there are periods where they aren't experiencing any symptoms and can more or less function normally. Also, for the ignorant, even when they are deep in the depths of whatever mental illness they suffer from, most are more a threat to themselves than they are to others. In fact, the mentally ill are statistically more likely to be victims (bold put in for emphasis) than the perpetrators of crimes.

Of course, I am assuming that the GC automatically gives everyone who turns up in a Hospital or a Jail, The Mark. Maybe I'm wrong and they don't pretty much operate like Jim Jones at Jonestown, going after anyone not smart enough to emulate Hyacinth Thrash.

Oh and given that RTCs have proven that they see all crimes as being equal, whether it's stealing a loaf of bread to feed your starving family or preying on underaged girls or nuking a city with over 8.5 million people living there, yeah, I'm really skeptical of Darrion's statement about how crime has really gone up. In fact for my own amusement, I picture her saying things like "They didn't even arrest that person who had the nerve to give someone a hug, and not a Christian Side Hug! Their dirty-pillows and sin zones actually made contact with one another!" "And just yesterday, I saw two adults of the opposite sex without rings on their fingers, walking around together unchaperoned! Won't somebody please think of the children?!"


Again, there's a reason whenever a scandal brings down an icon on the Religious Right, it always seems to come down to sex. Even if there were plenty of other skeevy stuff involved, the Right's willing to let it slide, but not if sex is involved.

We get a one line summary that essentially says "Darrion told him some other stories." I know I should object that kind of laziness, but hey, again it's less work for me to do. I know, I know, but the laziness is a welcome break from all the So Bad It's Horrible.

The section closes out and we cut to Vicki, but not before getting this interesting paragraph:

“I know the feeling,” Judd said. “But we’ll see him again. You know that.”

“I can’t wait to see my mom and dad and Ryan Daley too.”

The mention of Ryan took Judd’s breath away. When he hung up with Darrion he went outside and watched people gather their evening meal. It had been years since Ryan had been with them. He had missed so much of the Tribulation. What would Ryan be like when they saw him again? Would they really be able to recognize him? Would he be the same age as when he died, or would God somehow change his body to be older but still recognizable?

No matter what Ryan looked like—or Mark or Pete or John or the others who had died—Judd knew there was a great reunion ahead.

Again, I still kick myself for not starting the Butt Monkey Project immediately after Ryan died back in the single digits. If I wasn't lazy, if I hadn't already devoted more time and neuron space to this series than I care to admit, I'd reread the series and do a count of how many times Ryan is mentioned at all after his death. Though I will wonder, regarding passages like the above, if I was doing that count, should I just count this as one mention or should I count each individual mention of his name? Though given that Darrion was converted after Ryan witnessed to her, props for continuity, there.

Oh and I'd dust off the "Ho Yay" tag in response to "the mention of Ryan took Judd's breath away" line, but given that the oldest Ryan could have been when he was killed, was around thirteen or fourteen...yeah, it feels kind of wrong.

Out of curiosity, for those of you (like me) who are anal retentive, like to split hairs, and spend too much time on TV Tropes, does Ryan's death fall under Stuffed into the Fridge or Dropped a Bridge on Him? I suppose Fridged doesn't really fit, given that his death doesn't serve as the impetus for other plot events, but then again, nothing serves as an impetus for plot events in this series because NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS SERIES! But Ryan did actually get an onscreen death scene, which makes me wonder whether Bridged fits. But there is very little mention or concern given to him after he dies and you know he only did die because he's the Butt Monkey of this series, so maybe Bridged fits.

All right, I'll get back to snarking. I like to think all these digressions are at least entertaining, though.

As for what Vicki's been up to...the opening paragraph of her section gives us the generic details:

Vicki stayed busy over the weeks becoming an Internet counselor for young people. After intense sessions with the elders, Chang Wong, and Naomi Tiberius, Vicki took her place beside people of all nationalities who answered questions from around the world. She was excited that some of those she counseled were actually airlifted into Petra by Trib Force pilots.

You can practically see the cogs turning in whoever was suckered to write this. "Okay, gotta convey the passage of time, but readers are going to want to know what Vicki has been doing during all this. Yet because Vicki is a girl with girl parts, can't actually get into specifics, because traditional gender roles must be upheld, even at the End of the World. I'll say she was counseling people, because that's an appropriate girly thing for her to be doing. I'll even specify that it was young people she was counseling so I won't offend anyone who believes in following 1 Timothy 2:12 to the letter."

Someone want to fill in whoever wrote this that some nuts would be offended by Vicki teaching even young people, because chances are, some of those young people have Y chromosomes and the Bible clearly says a woman cannot teach or assume authority over a man" even if said man still attends the movie on a child's ticket and has just mastered tying his shoes. For once, I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but dig around and you really will find people who think that way.

Oh and sweet Lord, they don't even try to dispute all my many, many rants about how RTCs are basically Toadies, kissing up to the Bully so they won't become victims and so they can point the Bully towards people they feel "deserve" to be killed horribly and burninated forever afterwards.

Vicki knew the suffering and persecution would end, but as she heard the stories of hurting and wounded people, she longed for the return of Jesus even more. She couldn’t wait to see him and hear his voice. She knew from reading the Scriptures that there were more prophecies concerning Jesus’ seconding than his first. And this time he wouldn’t come as the lowly, humble servant but as the mighty, conquering king ready to defeat his enemies.

...

I've said it in other posts, but clearly on some level they recognize the contrast between the Jesus depicted in the Gospels (who said things like "Forgive them, father, for they know what not they do" as the titular they were nailing him to the cross) and their version who brutally slaughters all who stand against him before pitching them to burn in hellfire forever. You just know they're the types who deal with the discrepancies in the four gospels (said gospels can't even agree on Jesus's last words), by mushing them into one large text, but that's not my point here.

My point, is the question one I've brought up before and will no doubt do again: how do they resolve the contrast between their TurboJesus and the Jesus of the Bible? Do they think he took the lowly servant role first time around as a means of attracting followers but since it's now the End of the World and he no longer has to worry about bodies in the pews, he's saying, "Fuck this shit," and getting down to exterminating the brutes.

I suppose maybe they could use the justification that Jesus went insane from the torture and abuse he suffered on the cross; therefore, when he returns, he won't be in the mood to save anyone. But they also believe, judging by what we've seen in these books, that torture is ineffective against brave RTCs, so having Jesus be broken and insane as a result of what he went through, would bring up conundrums along the lines of the old "Could God build a rock so heavy He couldn't lift it?" issues and y'know how they feel about those kinds of issues. Plus, if that were true, then it would mean that Torture is wrong and a horrible thing to do to someone, even when those doing the torturing, passionately and sincerely believe that the scary Brown person has or will do something bad. Yeah, who wants to tell them the story of Patrick Chamusso? For bonus points, point out that Apartheid-Era South Africa was predominately run by White Christians and sit back and enjoy the fireworks before they find a logical fallacy that comforts them.

I will say that whichever justification they use for TurboJesus, whether he was the lowly servant on his first trip around in order to rope in the peanut gallery (because apparently people suffering massively at the hands of an Empire really flock to somebody who says "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's" and to love and pray for your enemies, rather than to the guy who rallies them to take up arms against the oppressors) or if he's gone insane from torture, it doesn't speak well of their version of Jesus. In fact, the second option is actually more tolerable: you feel more sympathy for someone who has lost their mind, than you do for a charlatan looking to rack up as many converts and get as much out of them as possible.

Of course, the most likely answer is that like I've said before, they've internalized the mindset of Might makes Right and therefore, the only way they (and by extension, Jesus) can win, is by exterminating those who stand in their way. In other words, their beliefs aren't so much "Bullying is Wrong" as "Bullying me, specifically, is wrong." Therefore, they probably won't relate much to a guy who forgives those who sinned against him and says things about how the peacemakers and the meek, along with prostitutes and other sinful sinners, are going to get into Heaven, but not the religious authorities, who scrupulously follow the law. Therefore, they had but no choice but to create God in their own image.

Oh all right, I'll stop all the philosophical discourse and get back to the books.

We get even more examples of the RTC brand of Willful Ignorance:

Vicki was amazed to see the questions that came into the Web site. She even received one from a woman who was clearly not interested in knowing God but in finding out when the plague of darkness would be lifted from New Babylon.

“How could she believe that we have answers from the Bible but not believe the truth about God?” Vicki asked Judd as they ate one night.

“She’s blind,” Judd said. “These people know there’s something to the claims of the Bible, but they follow Carpathia anyway. Those troops know how many soldiers God wiped out, but they still follow orders.”

I should probably clarify what I mean by Willful Ignorance. Just know that it is far more insidious and irritating than just plain ignorance. Willful Ignorance means not only are they ignorant, they're proud of it and flat-out refuse to learn any more because they believe that their ignorance makes their opinions all the more purer, because they haven't sullied themselves with facts. There are so many examples of this kind of ignorance we can point to, especially on the Right where it's practically a job requirement, whether you want to be elected or just eke out an existence on Wingnut Welfare.

Anyway, my point is, the answer to Vicki's question is screamingly obvious, but both her and Judd are doing what Ellanjay believe their opponents do: stick their fingers in their ears and go "La-la-la...I can't hear you." Like I keep saying many times, the question the people in these books wouldn't struggle with isn't "Does God exist?" It would be more related to the nature of said God, whether a God, who gleefully slaughters even those whose only crime was, y'know, being born during this seven-year timeframe, is deserving of worship. Short answer: No. He's deserving of armed resistance.

Sometimes I wonder how many fireworks would be produced if you pointed this out to them, pointed out that during the seven-year period which God goes all "Exterminate the Brutes!" on everyone, why they find it okay for God to slaughter many innocents, already-born children and unborn children alike, but if a woman has her child surgically aborted, she is a horrible harlot who deserves to die! Even if the horrible harlot in question is a nine-year-old girl.

But again, it's Might Makes Right all over again. God is the most powerful being in the universe, therefore anything He does is automatically right. But if a weak, lowly human, does something remotely similar, even if it's, at best, one-tenth in terms of scale, then it is wrong and eeeevil!

Vicki and Judd are interrupted by a knock on the door. Sam shows up and talks about how Lev wants to meet up with a member of the Jewish Resistance in Jerusalem named Shivte. Lev is positive that Shivte wouldn't accept Nicky's Mark and has heard that Shivte's wife has become a good RTC, so yeah, brace yourselves for the inevitable goysplainning scene. Just know that according to Ellanjay, all Jews have sidelocks and all the other accoutrements associated with Orthodox Judaism, even the women. So like I keep saying, when they find Shivte, he'll be sporting sidelocks, eating a bagel, and shouting "Oy Vey!" at various intervals. We should just consider ourselves lucky that they don't have all the Jewish characters begin all their sentences with "You want." Like, have Shivte go, "You want to explain how my people have been interpreting their own scriptures wrong for countless millennia and that unless we accept the patronizing wisdom of the gentiles, we will burn along with all the heroes of our faith and the beloved relatives who came before us? Oy vey!"

Oh and Token Jew is planning on taking up arms in battle, because as a good RTC, he knows that Christian Pacifism is code for Satan Satanism. Because the only way he qualifies as a good soldier for Christ is by wielding a gun, rather than doing everything he can to reach the lost (even those who :gasp: don't have Internet due to poverty/multiple Acts of God back-to-back) or giving his life to protect the weak, so, of course, Token Jew is taking up arms.

[TANGENT] Y'know, go to any Christian bookstore and you find shelves devoted to fiction about the Amish, showing them in their buggies and white prayer caps. Beverly Lewis is the most popular of the Amish Lit genre, but there are many other writers. But if you know anything about the Amish, even if the sum of your knowledge comes from the movie Witness, you'd know that the Amish are kind of all about Christian Pacifism. So yeah, how do RTCs resolve their love of Amish lit with their belief that "Peace is Wrong and anyone who advocates it, is wrong!" It's just one of those things you can't help but shake your head at. [/TANGENT]

There's mention of Captain Steele's military people. Again, you more or less accept that everyone in this series calls him Captain Steele, even though he was an airline pilot, not someone who deserves fawning obsequious worship, like that one Captain I totally fangirl. But I find myself thinking, "Really, you put Ray-Ray in charge of military operations? Does he have any qualifications besides being Rayford Steele, aka the greatest human ever in the LB-verse?" As I recall from my knowledge of Rayford's background, he was in the Air Force before he became an airline pilot, but a few years in the Air Force doesn't give you the military genius of Dwight Eisenhower. So I wonder why they would put Rayford in charge of military operations. But the answer is probably "Because Rayford is the greatest human to have ever existed. Even if you combined the presidents on Mount Rushmore to form some kind of Presidential Voltron, they still wouldn't be as great as Rayford."

Token Jew also believes that a third of those inscrutable Christ-killers Jews will stop being all inscrutable and Jewish, based on his interpretation of Zechariah 13:8-9. Zechariah can be summed up as "One of those Old Testament Prophets that the Jews keep interpreting wrong for some reason" and in true Ellanjay fashion, they focus only on the last two verses of that chapter and pay no attention to the other ones. Even though the first six verses kind of make it clear that God was more about punishing false prophets leading people astray with false teachings than about punishing people who fail to say the "Jesus is Lord" with the precise amount of sincerity demanded. But if you point that out, plus point out that Deuteronomy, chapter eighteen, specifically the last two verses say that if a prophet predicts something and it doesn't come to pass, then they are a false prophet...given that Ellanjay and others of the PMD ilk has been predicting the Rapture/End of the World for years, yet everyone's still here...let's just say chaos would ensue and leave it at that.

Next section, shock of all shocks, is told from Lionel's perspective. Really there's nothing to snark. Lionel just talks to Zeke, who in true Ellanjay fashion, manage to make something as exciting as the End of the World sound even more boring than just reading the phone book from cover to cover.

“I’m still confused about what’s going to happen when,” Lionel said.

“Tsion says there are going to be something like eight things happening after the Euphrates River goes dry.”

“What’s so important about that?”

“Well, you ever see an army try to get across a river that’s running? When it dries up, the kings and armies east of here will have a clear shot at us. They can come into this valley—it’s called Megiddo—and be ready for the trap.”

“What trap?”

“Well, Tsion says this is exactly what God wants. It’ll look like there’s no way anyone can stand up to the strength of all those tanks and missiles and troops, but God’s gonna zap ’em.”

“What else happens?”

“Once the river goes dry and the armies get together, Babylon will be destroyed. God’s gonna do that real quick, and then comes the fall of Jerusalem. I’m kinda hazy about how that happens, but finally Jesus will appear on a white horse with a big army of his own. He’ll be mad at old Nicolae, and there’s gonna be a lot of blood, you can bet on that. There’s gonna be a battle close to here, though Petra will be safe. And then Jesus will show up at the Mount of Olives.”

“Wish I could be there,” Lionel said.

“You and me both. But there’s plenty to do here. As a matter of fact, I’m looking for some volunteers.”

“Is this the getting myself dirty part?”

Zeke smiled. “You got it. I need people to go out and pick up weapons, uniforms, ammo—just about anything you think we could use.”

“Sounds dangerous.”

“Could be. But my guess is the GC won’t have any power over believers who are living here in Petra. God’s gonna protect us.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“Right. Not 100 percent, but I’m willing to chance it. How about you?”

Yeah, lot of focus on tanks and missiles and troops. Someone want to tell them about some amazing technology invented in 1903 by some guys referred to as The Wright Brothers? I'm sure you've heard of it; it's called an airplane. As WWI makes it clear, it also didn't take long for people to realize the wartime applications of aircraft. In other words, Nicky could just easily have his planes drop bombs overhead and skip the rigmarole of sending troops across the Euphrates.

I'm too lazy to look up when this book was published. Suffice to say, I think it's safe to assume, given their failure to predict cell phones and the Internet, Ellanjay also didn't foresee the rise of Military Drones, thus making it so you can program coordinates and scratch off enemies from a fortified bunker, without the hazards of flying men into a warzones. So chances are Nicky probably won't have those available to them. Plus, Nicky using drones to unilaterally kill anyone he deems deserving of death without such niceties as a trial or even an excuse, even if said target is sixteen-years-old and an American Citizen who hadn't been charged with anything...yeah, depict Nicky using drones and the readers might ask uncomfortable questions.

Oh and Ellanjay really have their finger on the pulse of today's youth. They know kids hate suspense of any kind, so they make it clear exactly what will happen and no doubt, it will happen exactly as they explained with no hiccups whatsoever.

Admittedly if you're writing some kind of fiction where there's some big battle, you do want to make sure the readers know the stakes, know why the sides are fighting and what will happen if Side X wins. I freely admit to being a Lord of the Rings fangirl, but at the same time, will admit that it has its flaws. Tolkien is a great world-builder in that Middle Earth is one of those few fantasy worlds that feels palpably real. He does this not just through the descriptions of the scenery, but also in the songs and poetry and other mentions of past figures, which serves to convey that Middle Earth has a history: it existed before the plucky heroes came onscreen. It did not just spring into being to fill a particular plot point and the reader will feel, even after they've closed the book, that Middle Earth will continue to exist afterwards.

Tolkien falls down when it comes to creating characters, though. Despite his best efforts, both Gimli and Legolas still come across more as archetypes than as characters. Gimli fares better in the books in that even though he displays the traits people have come to associate with Dwarves in fantasy fiction, we also see the Warrior Poet side of him.

But my point is, Tolkien made sure when it came time for the Battle of Pelennor Fields or Helm's Deep, the readers knew what was at stake, just as they knew what would happen if Sam and Frodo failed to destroy the Ring and it fell into Sauron's hands. That's basic writing 101: if you have a story where it's heroes vs. villains, we should be able to tell the difference between the two and have some idea what will happen if the Villains win.

Thing is, if you're going to have a plan and lay it all out for the readers, something should happen when it comes time to put the plan into motion. Not "rocks fall, everyone dies," but something that throws everything slightly askew and forces the heroes to do some quick thinking, "Should we adjust and go through with the plan? Or are things too FUBARed to be saved?" Like if part of the team's plan involves having Hero A be at this place when it comes time to confront Villain X, have something happen that keeps Hero A from being at that spot at that exact moment. It's basic plotting 101. Readers would be bored if they get to the climax and everything goes as scheduled and there are no hiccups whatsoever. When people read fiction, they generally want some suspense over the outcome, otherwise they would just read recipes and How-To instructions. For all Tolkien's flaws, even he knew that and utilized it by having Frodo commit a rare act for a hero in fantasy fiction: Frodo fails to destroy the Ring and succumbs to its influence. It's only through the fortuitous intervention of Gollum that Sauron is finally vanquished.

Anyway to finally wrap this chapter up, Judd gives Vicki a ring as they celebrate Christmas in Petra. Because I'm a drooling pervert, I'll assume that gesture was thrown in because the writers' realized that Judd has had much more meaningful interaction with male characters than he has with the woman he supposed to be married to. I suppose I could dust off the Ho Yay tag now, but I try not to abuse said tags, even though there's very little stopping me.

And that's it for this week. Sorry about all the dark stuff we found ourselves delving into. Probably should have gone easy on everyone, given that we're coming back after a break, but buttons were pushed. It just seems to keep happening whenever I read this stuff; I just start making associations. You can tell a lot about a subculture by the art produced and given how terrible, in both message and craft, the art is in this subculture...please don't make me finish the obvious line I've set up.

*Anyone want to remind people who throw around Nazi analogies that in addition to killing Jews, Hitler also went after Gypsies, Homosexuals, and Communists and like so many on the Right, he had a very loose definition of the word communist? But my objection to Hitler analogies is that they are so overused. I keep wanting to say, "Y'know there are other genocidal assholes you can compare people to? Heck, even if you limit yourself to the 20th century, that still leaves you with plenty to choose from." Just for once, I want someone to compare their opponent to Pol Pot. I'd suggest Idi Amin or Augusto Pinochet, but given the US's long history of backing those guys...yeah, you kind of understand why people are hesitant to use them in analogies. Again, it might lead to uncomfortable questions like I keep saying in my post.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Poor Evangelical Tools

So Cyrus and his loyal rednecks are storming the hole-in-the-ground where Vicki and her friends are hiding out. Whatever will they do?!

Vicki's genius plan is to go to Cyrus's hideout and witness to the others there, while Cyrus and his band of mooks have their attention focused on Vicki's hideout. I know there are probably tons of holes in this scheme but given how rare we ever see any kind of strategic thinking in these books...I'm going to let it slide. Besides given that, to paraphrase a commentator, modern militia movements are heavy on the Red Dawn and light on the Che Guevera, it's possible this strategy would work.

While this is going on, Judd decides to talk to Lionel about whether he should stay in France or go back to America. Lionel is not pleased at the possibility of Judd staying and because I like to add more slash to the LB-verse, I'm going to assume it's because he wants to know Judd in the biblical sense and doesn't like the idea of competing with Foreign McForeign for the privilege.

Judd is like "Perryn's death really affected me and I feel like I owe his dad" and I'm like really? You saw Perryn for all of five minutes before he was murdered. You two never exchanged a word of conversation with each other. All you know about him is what other people have told you. So what the Hell, Judd?

Judd gets all emo and wonders just what they accomplished in Israel. I'm wondering the same thing, but then again these are the Heroes who Don't Do Anything. He talks about how they rescued Z-Van from the rubble of the earthquake, but that led to Z-Van taking the Mark and becoming one of the Legion of the Damned. I am like o_O at this statement. Is Judd saying the Christian thing to do would have been to let Z-Van die slowly from being crushed by rubble? But Lionel's like, "If we hadn't rescued Z-Van, Westin wouldn't have become a believer."

Judd then asks, "So why did God send us here?" Lionel says "For our protection," though given that all these disasters are affecting the entire Earth, I don't see how they're safer in France than they are anywhere else. Lionel stands by his decision to GTFO back to the states as soon as possible. Judd asks about bringing the French believers and Lionel, in a rare show of intelligence, is like "Which is easier, smuggling three people back to the states or a crowd?"

The section at long last ends with Judd wondering what he's going to do. Now, we cut back to Vicki.

What we have is an action sequence. I'm going to fast-forward through most of it, because like I said before, action scenes in these books are dull as hell because nothing ever happens. I know RTCs blanche at the thought of anyone's kids reading Harry Potter, but at least JK Rowling knows there has to be a chance of lasting physical and/or psychological harm coming to her characters. That's why her action scenes work whereas Ellanjay's can DIAF.

Vicki and the others are trying to get into Cyrus's hideout, when Tanya hears her father over the radio, causing her to pause. The others work at trying to break the prisoners out of the underground base while Tanya talks with her father over the radio.

I'll admit I don't like Cyrus as much as I used to, ever since he went into melt-down mode. But given how utterly unlikeable the protagonists are and how unlikeable their beliefs are, the reader is forced to side with anyone who doesn't immediately kowtow to the Tribbles simply because that's their only option. Granted what will happen to Cyrus is either he'll convert and lose what little shading his character has or he'll be punted into hell, after which Tanya won't give a lick about him, even though he's her father.

Tanya, following the RTC standard of aiming for emotional wounds, decides to talk about her slaughtered raptured mother. Cyrus mentions that her mother had some crazy beliefs and wanted to share them with her children, but he refused to let her tell them, and she being a good RTC wife obeyed him, writing them down in a letter. Tanya's like "A letter?" and Cyrus wins a few character points by giving a fairly accurate summation of RTC beliefs.

“Yeah. Doesn’t make much sense. Just a string of verses and some gibberish she copied from the radio. I do think God will accept her, even if she wasn’t thinking clearly.”

I like that last line. When a gun-toting redneck shows more compassion than your protagonists, something is wrong.

The chapter ends with Tanya going, "I have to find that letter."

The second chapter...more action scenes for me to fast-forward through.

Tanya and Vicki and the others are trying to get into to Cyrus's hideout and bust out the seven people he's imprisoned for being rebellious. Frankly I think it's rather kind of Cyrus to imprison rebels rather than doing what most militias would probably do which is shoot them. Again, they're a paranoid group of Christian/Hindu Survivalists; they probably believe mercy is one of those effete European possibly homosexual ideals.

I'll sum it up. Cyrus is storming Vicki's hideout but Vicki makes it out of his hideout with not only the seven rebels but the all important letter.

Once Vicki and the group of new recruits are safely back at their hole-in-the-ground, we get Exciting!TV!Watching!Action. What's on the news, you ask? Well, it's a discussion with a director, Lars Rahlmost (giving us the chance to play "Guess the Ethnicity!"), discussing his documentary on Nicky's resurrection.

The documentary also has a clip where an RTC preaches about how Nicky's the anti-Christ before being hauled off and killed on camera. I'm assuming Lars Rahlmost is supposed to be the GC's Michael Moore so I gotta wonder why was this footage included? If Satan's trying to recruit as many people as he can for the battle against God, he probably wouldn't want his propagandist sharing the sacred truth for the entire world to hear.

The chapter ends with Tanya reading her mother's letter and crying. If you're wondering, the letter's the standard altar-call kind of witness we get in every book, even though you'd think if her mother really wanted to influence her children, she'd cite Zod saving Israel from being nuked miracle or even just make a list saying, "Here's what's going to happen." Like I've said before, while these books are supposed to help young believers evangelize, they do a piss-poor job of it because the deck is stacked; unlike the readers, the characters of these books have seen incontrovertible proof of the existence of God. The readers will probably go their entire lives without seeing God swat aside nukes, so this fails as a tool of evangelism.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Why Can't I Stop Talking About Creepy Sex Stuff?! (Chapter Five, Part I)

All right, I'm here. I suppose I should have done something last week, but like I said, you need to rest after a good snark. Anyway, I'm here now. Let's get this show on the road.

Well, we begin with, like I said, a 93-year time jump.

BACK FROM Indonesia for a week, Rayford sat in a rocking chair on the rear deck of Tsion Ben-Judah’s tidy estate in northern Israel. “I had always wondered what that prophecy meant, about God’s people moving about with walking sticks by the end of the millennial kingdom. But I’m over 140 years old now, and I’m beginning to feel it.”

The back from Indonesia bit threw me at first. I suppose though, it's possible that Ray-Ray could have spent 93 years, doing whatever vague thing he'd planned to do in Indonesia. We should really think God or somebody that given Ellanjay's avarice and love of padding, they decided to do a timeskip and not spend God-only-knows-how many chapters with Ray-Ray doing stuff in Indonesia. It's a small favor, but experience has taught me to be grateful for those.

Though again, the bit about how Rayford will continue to age while the Raptured and Martyred get to enjoy brand, spankin' new awesome bodies for all eternity...so many images of body horror going through my mind right now. I'm like, "Hey Rayford, ever read up on Tithonus? Oh yeah, you probably find it torturous enough to read an article in TV Guide. Well, then this will all be new to you."

For the record, I totally believe that in Ellanjay's world, TV Guide magazine is still a thing. Given how badly they do at predicting the future, I have little if any doubts that they didn't foresee TVs with built-in channel guides.

Token Jew, well aware that his primary duties in the LB-verse is to kiss Ray-Ray and Cam-Cam's asses, immediately lays on the flattery.

“Oh, go on!” Tsion said. “A man is still a child at one hundred here, so you’re just a young teen.”

“I’m telling you, I’m not the man I once was. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like for me hundreds of years from now.”

“Look at Dr. Rosenzweig, Rayford. He’s twenty-five years older than you.”

“And you, Tsion, with your glorified body. You look younger than ever. Irene looks like she’s stuck at thirty-five and Raymie at twenty-five.”

“Well, we had our chances at glorified bodies, didn’t we?”

This exchange would be funny and charming if Ellanjay were, indeed, trying to poke fun at Ray-Ray's clownish vanity, but the problem we keep running into is, as Fred points out in one of my all-time favorite Nicolae posts, "What Would Rayford Do? (Do the Opposite)" But the problem is, like Fred said, we can't read all these scenes as some kind of deconstruction or satire of Rayford's pomposity, because the writers' themselves, are as wrapped in delusion as their protagonist. If they weren't, it might actually work. Seinfeld was a show about horrible people, yet everyone involved knew these characters were horrible people, and went with it, so it worked. Whereas Everybody Loves Raymond is a cast made up of horrible people, but the people involved with the show seem to genuinely believe that their characters are good, charming people, making it so I can't spend five minutes watching it without thinking, "Y'know, maybe people underestimate the value of a nuclear holocaust. Yeah, we may be struggling to survive in a hellish landscape and have a greater likelihood of dying of cancer or all kinds of preventable illnesses afterwards, but at least, we won't have to put up with this show anymore."

Though I'm raising an eyebrow here. I thought the magical age for Raptured and Martyred people was thirty-two and that they would look that age for all eternity. How exactly does it work out that Raymie looks twenty-five, but his mother looks thirty-five? Though while Raymie is a kid and thus is lower on the RTC hierarchy, he does possess the all-important penis, which may place him above his own mother. So Raymie gets to look more youthful. But again, everyone's beneath Ray-Ray and Cam-Cam. That's the one constant.

Token Jew asks Ray-Ray about how is work is going.

“We’re almost finished, Tsion. The Lord put us together with some of the brightest minds I’ve ever worked with, and because we’re in charge, we haven’t had to do much but equip them, encourage them, and let them go.”

“I hear wonderful reports out of Indonesia. Their technology rivals that of any nation, and you must take credit for that.”

Ever hear of Jakarta, as in the capitol city of Indonesia? Well, I feel a need to provide a link, showing that Jakarta looks like this. Indonesia isn't some backwater hole-in-the-mud nation; it's the fourth most populous nation on Earth. I also feel a need to reiterate a point I made last week: Indonesia, not any of those scary places in the Middle East, has the largest population of Muslims of any nation on Earth. If the problem really was Islam, wouldn't whatever was happening in Indonesia make the Middle East look like Switzerland in comparison? Yet the problems Indonesia is having, have more to do with the kinds of problems facing any first-world nation (population growth, lack of resources, etc.) than they do with terrorism.

Yeah, I like to bring up those facts every time some idiot rants about how all Muslims are terrorists. It's my hobby horse and I do like to ride it. That and Muslims make up 23% the world's population or roughly 1.6 billion out of a total population of 7 billion, so maybe you should really think long and hard, before calling for a genocide. Granted you probably shouldn't long for genocide even if a population doesn't have those numbers, but still.

Oh and given that this is literally Heaven on Earth, I've gotta wonder why only Indonesia has this vague, amazing technology that Ray-Ray's invented? Yeah, I know--Ray-Ray is the greatest, even greater than Zod and TurboJesus--but still. Again, it's supposed to be paradise, where you have an infinite amount of time and resources. So surely someone will have come up with something that would make Starfleet seem cute and quaint by comparison?

Because all those third-world nations...the reason they are underdeveloped isn't because they lack a wise white dude to show them the way; it comes down to resources. And before you look down on them, if you were to switch any third-world adult around with a first-world adult and have them live the others' lives, the first-worlder will struggle a lot more than the third-worlder. Once the third-worlder got over his/her culture shock and got a walkthrough on some stuff, they'd more or less be able to figure things out from there and after a while, their blundering would decrease dramatically. But the first-worlder would find him or herself sorely outmatched by any third-world child, unable to do the basic everyday tasks that the rest of the citizens barely think about. By the end of the month, the third-worlder would have more or less figured stuff out, but the first-worlder would still be pretty hopeless.

And before I get any outraged wails, I'm including myself in the hopeless category as well. As a first-worlder, I know my way around the Internet and how to find anything with a Google search, but physically my upper body strength is terrible, I seldom have to walk more than a few blocks at a time and usually on concrete, and I know little of the basics involved with growing crops and raising livestock. So yeah, I'm not being all sanctimonious; I sure as heck know I would struggle. Though on the technology front, how many first-worlders really have any idea how computers work or the infrastructure involved? If I were to take off the outer covering of a laptop, revealing all the inner parts, then said, "Okay, which part gets you on the Internet," how many would be able to answer that question? Yeah, I know there are a few nerd commenters on this blog, but still. We're talking about average people. I use the Internet every day and only have the vaguest of notions as to how it all works.

Nice, though, how they just say "Technology!" when asked what Ray-Ray's doing in Indonesia, and they don't even bother to try to explain what technology he's developing. Again, it's an impressive show of laziness. Though I have to wonder why Ellanjay chose Indonesia of all countries. Are they really into Komodo Dragons? Or did they get Indonesia mixed up with Thailand and Ray-Ray's technology is actually code for...y'know what, given that a large portion of the prostitutes in Thailand were coerced into the sex trade when they were barely teens, I'm just going to stop, go outside, and flog myself with bricks, and save everyone the trouble. Maybe pour some salt into my wounds for good measure.

All right, I'm done rambling and will move on.

Token Jew and Ray-Ray talk some more, with Rayford displaying the trademark humility he's become known for, by making a big, lavish show of talking about how it's all totally because of Zod. Then Ray-Ray talks about how he's been thinking about Matthew 28:18-20 (okay, he actually says that the Lord had been impressing it on his heart, but it means about the same thing), and from there, he and Token Jew go into a long discussion about evangelism. :whimpers: Yeah that scene in The Princess Bride where Westley gets a year sucked off of his life and all he can do is whimper afterwards? It's a lot like that.

Because really it's just all this back-and-forth blather of "Well should I?" "Yes, you should" "But I don't know. Should I?" "Yes, you should." To keep up with the gratuitous pop culture, it really is a lot like this bit from Linkara's review of Countdown. No points for guessing that my response is pretty much identical to Linkara's bit at the very end.

Though for those of you eagerly awaiting Ho Yay, so far I haven't found any in this week's snark. But there is this line, which just as hilarious out of context as in and makes me feel a little better about my Thailand joke earlier:

“But I don’t feel led to children in other countries.”

“Do you feel led at all? Or is He just bringing that verse to mind for no reason?”

“Surely not. But if I feel a nudge, it’s toward adults.”

...

:O

Oh, so many responses that can be made, none of them at all appropriate. Though it probably is a good thing to know that Ray-Ray isn't at all led towards children. If he's in Southeast Asia for any reason, it's because he loves the cuisine. :proceeds to laugh uproariously, while simultaneously cringing: Ah, hate-laughing is the best kind of laughing. Somehow the pain just adds a new flavor to it.

Though this is why every writer of Christian Fiction™ could stand to put forth a few pennies to hire an atheist smart aleck or just a juvenile smart aleck like me, to read over their stuff before publication and point out the many different ways certain phrases can be taken out of context. Pro Tip: Never talk about how much time a character spends on their knees and remember that there's something else that's shaped similar to a banana and is angled to fit perfectly in someone's mouth, but it isn't a banana.

God, I wonder what my life was like, before I became a drooling pervert. I'm sure I did a lot less giggling over stupid shit, but could I really say it was more enjoyable?

After all this boring back-and-forth between Token Jew and Ray-Ray, Ray-Ray receives a call from his skull phone. I'm not kidding. Here's how the book describes it.

“Excuse me, Tsion.” Rayford stood and moved away as the cellular implant in his inner ear sounded and Chloe spoke.

Yeah, I'm calling it a skull phone. Though I'm remembering something spiritplumber told me. He somehow managed to get involved in a chat with Jerry Jenkins and ol' Jenkins told him that he considered Left Behind and his shitty trilogy with shitstain Paul Stepola* to be set in the same universe, with the Left Behind series actually being a sequel to The Shitty Trilogy, even though in doing so, he creates so many massive plot holes that...well, in all honesty, it actually feels wrong to call them plot holes. Plot holes imply that the rest of the story makes some kind of coherent sense and isn't just Jerry Jenkins's surrogate character tea-bagging anyone he doesn't like. Yeah, I know it can be more easily summed up as They Just Didn't Care, but I like my frothing rants, dammit! And I'm still bitter that someone told the Tea Party idiots what Tea-Bagging meant. Yeah, they were still bigoted a-holes, but why did you have to take away the unintentional hilarity of White RTCs proudly proclaiming that they're tea-bagging for America?! C'mon, let us have some humor to distract from, y'know, our country's slide into a dystopian hellscape!

Anyway, Chloe is all sad, so Ray-Ray goes to talk to her and we get the shocking reveal of this chapter: a French girl named Cendrillon Jospin has died. Since you only die at 100 because you didn't say The Prayer with the precise amount of sincerity demanded, that means Cendrillon :gasp: wasn't actually an RTC.

First of all, while I freely admit that the website I got this information from is a little dodgy, it did have a link to a more reputable source, which was written entirely in French, so it could be the entire text of Celebrian for all I know. Anyway, here's the top ten names for baby girls born in France in 2010.

1. Emma
2. Léa
3. Chloé
4. Manon
5. Inès
6. Lola
7. Jade
8. Camille
9. Sarah
10. Louise

Note how none of these names are Cendrillon. In fact, with the exception of Manon or Inès, none are really obviously ethnic. Well, okay, Lola is a little iffy on that front, though I thought Inès was more a Spanish name than a French one. But hey, Europe is a small continent with a lot of countries mushed together. There's the old joke: the difference between a Brit and an American, is that Americans think a hundred years is a long time and Brits think a hundred miles is a long distance.

In fact, another interesting observation is that Emma is listed as the number one name for baby girls in France. And guess what name is currently the It name for baby girls in the US? It's Emma, for those of you who don't know.

But then again, Ellanjay feel that all characters who aren't White, Christian, or American, will have obvious Ethnic McEthnic names. Remember the interlude with the French dude named Jacques Madeleine who I dubbed Foreign McForeign, because there's more honesty and dignity in being called Foreign McForeign? Though maybe it's part of Ellanjay's worldbuilding. Maybe even though they failed to foresee cell phones and Internet and by extension, Internet Porn, they foresee a future where any group that isn't White, Christian, or American, will choose the most obvious ethnic names as a means of asserting their identities, a sort of hopeful future where everyone's all "Say it loud and say it proud! I'm [Insert Identity] here and I'm proud!" Yeah, there's a reason I'm laughing and laughing bitterly at that.

Especially since when Ray-Ray goes to Chloe's house to comfort her, he, Irene, Chloe, Cam-Cam, and Kenny are also there, along with Abdullah and Yasmine Ababneh. Try to guess which ethnicities Abdullah and Yasmine are. I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Chloe is all shocked, because she's weak and female, talking about how Cendrillon had led others to the faith. Luckily, Cam-Cam is there to bestow wisdom with his mighty white penis.

“I’m not sure about that anymore, Chloe,” Cameron said. “She taught, yes, and she counseled. And it seemed she was an enthusiastic saint. But as I think back, I can’t say I ever knew of someone coming to Christ specifically through her leading. Can you?”

Okay, so maybe we've been given a few parameters on what makes someone an RTC. It's not just saying The Prayer with the precise amount of sincerity demanded, like I had so hurtfully stated; it's about how many numbers you rack up for TurboJesus. Which means if you're an introvert with crippling social anxiety like me or just a normal, everyday good person who doesn't like being an Asshole for Christ to random strangers on the street, start tricking out your handbasket because you're most certainly going to Hell. Even though has anyone outside of a Jack Chick tract, actually picked up a tract and decided to become a Christian right on the spot? Maybe we should take a harder look at Jack Chick and his claims.

Though I do feel sorry for the awkward, anxious, phobic kids growing up in this subculture. Because I was an awkward, anxious, phobic kid, but I was fortunate enough not to be raised in the toxic RTC subculture, so I can laugh about it as an adult. I'm thinking of the documentary, Jesus Camp. There's a scene in it where a girl goes up to a stranger at a bowling alley and tries to evangelize and you'd think it'd be cute or funny, but the whole scene ends up being damn unsettling for the same reason the rest of the documentary is so damn unsettling. You've got all these kids being forced to be soldiers and spokesmen for an ideology they barely understand. And for some of you who think I'm being excessively hyperbolic by using the word "soldiers," the camp's founder explicitly talks about Islamic suicide bombers and how she wishes she could get the kids willing to die for their faith.

Though I read a five-years-later article about the kids in the documentary. Nice to know that they seem to have matured into healthy, young adults who are probably a lot more fun to be around. Though all the parts of the documentary with Ted Haggard take on whole new subtexts, after it was found out that Ted enjoys the company of meth-addicted gigolos. Like I keep saying, when it comes to scandals on the Christian Right, it's always about sex.

Cam-Cam chest-beats about how the Jospins want him to speak at their daughter's funeral. Yeah, because it's all about you, Cam-Cam! No need to consider her parents who are dealing with the loss of their child. Think I'm being hyperbolic? First of all, why would you think that, and second of all, here's Cam-Cam's words so you can see for yourself.

“The Jospins want me to speak at her funeral, Rayford,” Cameron said. “They know the truth, and yet still that’s what they want. Whatever would I say? She seemed a wonderful girl, and had her death been the result of an accident back in previous years, I’d have been able to rhapsodize about her. She was a dear friend, a valued coworker.”

Just look at how heart-broken Cam-Cam really is about the loss of Cendrillon, so heart-broken he can't be bothered to give any specifics as to what she was like, except to say something like, "She was a female human who did things and had relationships with other humans. And she was probably a carbon-based lifeform that walked upright and couldn't survive without oxygen. I better mention that as well."

Though that bit in there about "had her death been the result of an accident," has now thrown me further into a confusion spiral as I try to make sense of Ellanjay's worldbuilding. Yeah, I know it can be all summed up with that MST3K link posted earlier, but I like to try and put forth some effort, see if I can make my excessive anal retentativeness a force for good, rather than evil.

Because I thought the MK operated like that one episode of Family Guy where Death is laid up, forcing Peter to have to do his job. Naturally since Peter doesn't want to kill people, the number of deaths drop precipitously, causing people to believe that the laws of life and death no longer apply and people start doing whatever reckless stuff they want, now that they can't die.

But now apparently there's is death, so I might have to retract all the advice I'd given to the COT in previous posts. Though wait, no I don't. COT, if you do something bad, just immediately pray for forgiveness afterwards. That way you get to have all the fun, but still be free and in the clear with Zod. Because what's the fun of having forgiveness if you never even get a chance to use it? It's like having a laptop and never actually going online to do Google searches for stuff that would mortify your parents; it's just pointless. For the record, given that I'm a writer, I've had to do some questionable Google searches and I'm really hoping, if the NSA surveillance is as widespread as my paranoid brain claims, that "I'm a writer doing research! I swear I'm not a terrorist or a pervert or both!" is still a valid defense.

Yeah, all these posts I've made...I've pretty much guaranteed that none of my readers will ever ask me to babysit. Life's good.

Cam-Cam continues to nail himself on that cross.

“They just want a simple eulogy,” Cameron said. “But a funeral is no place for me to tell the awful truth. Cendrillon is in hell, no longer with us because she never trusted Christ for salvation. Is that what I tell people? And would her parents forgive me? Perhaps they’re in denial, desperate to find some loophole, some reason why a believer might die at one hundred.”

“Ask them, Cam,” Rayford said. “Because if they don’t permit you to be honest, there’s no point in doing anything but declining their request. The only benefit I see coming from this is if they allow you to warn other young people of the consequences of putting off the transaction with Jesus. I could go with you to see them and—”

But you just said a bit ago that it is still possible for people to die as a result of accidents in the MK, Cam-Cam. So isn't it conceivable that maybe Cendrillon died at 100 because she loved getting sky-diving massages or something like that?

And oy vey...I suppose we're supposed to see Cam-Cam as admirable in that he doesn't want to loudly proclaim that Cendrillon's in Hell for all eternity, like the hateful nests of shitstains that make up the Westboro Baptist Church, but if given a choice between Cam-Cam's weaseliness or Fred Phelps...it feels so dirty to say this, but I'm going to have to go with Fred Phelps. Phelps is at least a lot more honest.

Oh and that link takes you to an expose done on Fred Phelps and let me tell you, if you haven't read every single page of it, you can't really claim to hate Fred Phelps. Because all the clips of him and his bunch on TV...you're seeing the rotting yellow toenail of a monster, not the monster in its entirety and the monster in its entirety...Yeah, I'm not going to go any further.

About the only good thing I'll say is that sometimes I wonder if Fred Phelps wasn't some kind of stealth supporter of Gay Rights. By being so hateful and going to such extremes, he forced the Christian Right to soften and tone down their own rhetoric in a futile attempt to avoid being tarred with the same brush. And for those who may have been on the fence on Gay issues, Phelps forced them to be like "I can either choose to be on the side of the debate that protests the funerals of soldiers or I can side with the Gays."

Yeah, I know the truth is that some people really are hateful ass scunge on the face of humanity, but you almost got to thank Fred Phelps. Because in going to such extremes, in showing what the Anti-Gay movement actually wants, again, it led to people being like, "Y'know maybe society won't fall if we treat GLBT people like people and give them the rights due to them as citizens." The fight still goes on and it probably always will, but we're moving forward, pushing back against a-holes, and now, we've got Gay Marriage across the land. Though I still can't find anyone willing to marry me to my box turtle, even though the Anti-Gays said that if we let dudes marry dudes, people can marry their box turtles, because a turtle has legal standing and can sign a marriage certificate.

Though of course, when some members of his congregation turned on him towards the end, Phelps is suddenly all "What's so funny bout peace, love, and understanding?" There's something satisfying about seeing a-holes get caught in their own traps.

All right, I'm done talking about Fred Phelps.

Though of course, you gotta love Ray-Ray's use of the word "transaction" when it comes to Jesus. It makes you wonder how they view all their day-to-day relationships. Because y'know Ellanjay are Nice Guys who firmly believe that if you put enough kindness coins into a woman, sex will pop out. That probably have that view towards all their other relationships. Maybe they don't want sex, but of course, they'd approach any relationship as a transaction: I say the appropriate words that cast the right spell on this person and this person will do what I want. It's a horrible way to go through life, having such a dim view of relationships. It's even more horrible for the people who have to live in the world with them.

Then Abdullah tells them something his daughter had said.

“Well, it is most troubling. Our daughter— you all know Bahira— when she heard the news she was most distraught, as we all were. But she perhaps a bit more. Not that they were all that close. Cendrillon had wanted to be her friend, but our daughter rebuffed her.”

“Because?”

“Because of what we are talking about now. In front of Cameron and Chloe and the others, Cendrillon was a model leader. Behind their backs she was critical, a scoffer, a doubter at best.”

So there you have it: Cendrillon kept her mouth shut around the adults, who would likely tell her she's a hellbeast destined for hell, but talked about her doubts and concerns with her friends. That's why she's going to burn in Hell for all eternity, kids! And that kind of message will, like I've said previously, not induce anxiety and phobia in someone raised in the RTC subculture. Only good things can come of filling a kid with anxieties about sin, making sure to tell them, "One mistake and you're damned forever!"

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit excessive, but I had a feeling if I asked Ellanjay to define "being critical, a scoffer, a doubter at best," I wouldn't be. Out of curiosity, if you use the same dialogue as a Strawman villain in a Jack Chick, but leave off the "Haw Haw!" at the end, are you still damned? Is the "Haw Haw!" the magical words that forever damn you? Well, in that case, all of us fans of The Simpsons are doomed. You should have thought about that before you did all those Nelson Muntz impersonations. Since my soul is forever damned, in addition to tricking out my handbasket, I might as well get to doing other evils like having sex as an expression of love, rather than strictly for reproductive purposes, imbibing some alcohol, and listening to Rock and/or Roll! I mean, if I'm damned no matter what I do, I might as well at least enjoy my long slide into Satan's fiery pit.

I know, I exaggerate for comedic effect, but it's something both me and Fred Clark, not Phelps, have talked about: How the RTC subculture divides things into sin and not-sin and from there, proceeds to treat all sinful things as being equal in severity. So in their view, a man and a woman deciding to have consensual intercourse, even though they :gasp: don't have rings on their left ring fingers, is, in their view, the same as a teenage boy preying on his underaged sisters. Looking at Playboy is the same as being a modern-day Jack the Ripper.

And I know you guys get tired of me harping on the same points over and over, but I have to! Because like I said, it's always sex that ends up getting an RTC in the end. When you're raised in a culture of hierarchy, where you're always interacting with someone either higher-up than you or lower-down, there's no way sex can be treated as a mutual expression of love between consenting, caring individuals.

Ray-Ray says that they should visit the Jospins and talk to them about arrangements. Saintly Irene talks about how Cendrillon will be the first of many deaths to come. Okay, I admit that I paraphrasing a little, but I still can't help but picture Irene ducking into a restroom to touch herself afterwards, given how sex and violence seemed to be so interwoven in the RTC subculture.

AND DAMMIT, WHY DOES EVERYTHING I TYPE IN THIS POST WIND UP BEING ABOUT CREEPY SEX STUFF?!

Y'know I try to, as a service to my readers, finish out a chapter in one go, but I previewed my post and this one's hella long. Given that I've gotten into some pretty dark subjects here, is it okay if I make Chapter Five, a two-part snark? Because after all this talk between Cam-Cam and the others, we cut to Raymie and I want to be at full snarking strength to take him on. So accept a two-part snark, while I replenish my strength. I'll try to bang out the other part next week, I swear.

*I tell everyone in the Slacktiverse that no matter how much you hate Ray-Ray and Cam-Cam, Paul Stepola surpasses them all in sheer awfulness. Paul Stepola is so awful that there really doesn't seem to be an appropriate profanity that accurately describes him, at least not in English. Asshole is too mild. I define an asshole as "Someone who keys your car because he/she can't stand the fact that you drive a nicer car than them," but that doesn't accurately illustrate Paul Stepola. If you had the nerve to drive a nicer car than Paul Stepola, he would drop a tactical nuke on it, then laugh with glee as you and everyone around you, is either vaporized or dies an agonizing death from radiation poisoning. Though that's still somewhat inaccurate: Paul Stepola wouldn't have the work ethic to actually drop a nuke on you; he'd just pray and let Zod do it all for him.

I also reject the profane phrases, Son of Bitch, and Motherfucker, because both of those, are more slurs against Paul Stepola's mother. Given that Mama Stepola raised him alone after her husband died and eventually died unsaved (and of course, Paul, being the good soon he is, gives no thought to his mommy's fate), I'm inclined to cut her some slack. If Jenkins writes any future books where it's revealed that Mama Stepola is every bit as awful as her son, I'll retract my statements. Until then, I'll assume that Papa Stepola (who was no prize pig himself, as the books illustrate) purchased a baby from down the hall after their child died and Mama Stepola never noticed the 666 tattooed on Paul's scalp.

Though dammit, Jenkins, I never thought I'd have to say this, but apparently Tim LaHaye was a moderating influence on you. Now that he's dead, I'm a little scared as to what you're going to do now.