You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too! Stop Trying!

Okay, here I am. Let's get this show on the road. Again, greatest hits-style snark because not much really happens.

Right, out of the gate, Ellanjay mention something that makes me headdesk.

JUDD was proud of Vicki for having the idea of finding their new friend Ehud and releasing him. They crept through the narrow street, avoiding the surviving Unity Army soldiers, and found several dozen Jewish believers chained together in a basement of a two-story building.

I headdesk because I'm like, "When did Vicki mention anything about this Ehud guy like at all?" I even skimmed over last week's chapter to be sure and found nothing. Ran "Ehud" through the "search inside this book" feature and found mentions of him before, but didn't find any conversations where Vicki's like, "Let's go rescue Ehud." If anyone had any doubts that Tyndale just immediately started binding and printing the manuscript with little if any editing whatsoever...Yeah, just as Calculon believes that only amateurs do second takes, Ellanjay or whatever sad ghostwriter involved, believe that only amateurs reread and rewrite.

Anyway, Judd and Vicki bust out the prisoners with no trouble whatsoever and none of this matters in any way, except that the word count is expanded.

Conrad and Shelly helped Enoch move his furniture from the basement to the first floor of his house. Enoch said there would be no more hiding now that the Lord had returned. Shelly called for them from upstairs, where they found Nicolae Carpathia and Leon Fortunato on television, surrounded by advisors, generals, and a swarm of reporters.

Yeah, because when the literal actual Jesus has returned to battle Satan for the dominion of Earth in a great cosmic all-out Battle Royale, most peoples' thoughts would be, "Y'know I should really move that ping pong table."

Though, okay, I suppose after so many Acts of God, the RTCs would be kind of jaded by it all. At first, it's mildly amusing, watching nonbelievers explode and die in screaming agony, after which they go to Hell to be tortured forever, but it just gets irritating after a while. If they must scream so loudly, can't they at least be in key? That and do they have to keep getting blood and gore all over Vicki's Jimmy Choos? Show some basic compassion, people! Those unbelievers are so inconsiderate.

Yeah, pretty much all the protagonists in the LB-verse are the narrator in Weird Al's "Why Does This Always Happen to Me?" except with less work ethic. While an LB-verse protagonist would totally complain about the knife getting stuck in their boss's face after they stabbed him and how now they won't be able to use it again, because the boss's bones bent the tip, at the same time, stabbing someone in the face is a way more active role than an LB-verse protagonist would take. It reeks of doing stuff which we all know is a violation of the Tribbles' ethos. No matter what, according to Ellanjay, you must not do stuff. Because they've so embraced Martin Luther's ethos that now they go to the other extreme and are generally opposed to good works, because doing good works distracts you from the all-important mission of saving your own ass from Hell. I mean, it's not like James, the brother of Jesus, said anything about Faith without Works being dead? Oh wait.

And of course, no matter how Ellanjay try to frame it, they can't change the fact that Nicky is the hero in this scenario. Fighting to save the world from forces trying to destroy it, makes you the hero. That's how this works.

Carpathia waved his arms and barked orders at troops. Conrad turned up the volume in time to hear Nicolae say, “This city shall become my throne. The temple will be flattened and the way made for my palace, the most magnificent structure ever erected. We have captured half the enemy here, and we will dispose of the other half in due time.

“The final stage of our conquest is nearly ready to be executed, and we will soon be rid of this nuisance from above.”

Okay, Nicky's speech is pretty colorless, though it was probably too much to expect something like the President's speech in Independence Day, which cliché though it may be, it's actually pretty affective. It's cornball and cheesy but it is so in a way that actually works. Though I don't have high hopes for the sequel they're making. They didn't get Will Smith for it and if you're not going to have Will Smith punches out aliens and say, "Welcome to Earth," why are you even making an Independence Day movie?

We cut to Lionel. TurboJesus is hovering over everybody. Since I'm a dirty-minded pervert (I used to write fanfiction and I've been on the Internet for years; the outcome was sadly inevitable), I find myself wondering if TurboJesus is wearing underwear or if he's going into all this commando-style? I know, I know, shouldn't be thinking those kinds of things, but gotta keep myself awake, because, y'know, nothing happens. TurboJesus walks around killing everyone and clothing his villainy in odd old ends stol'n out of holy writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil.

Though now that I think about it, it does seem unfair to compare TurboJesus to Richard III. Richard III is one of the juiciest parts in Shakespeare's canon and while I have yet to read the entire play, from what I can tell, he had some charisma and cunning. Whereas, TurboJesus...yeah, I don't need to say anymore.

Anyway, Vicki, Judd, and Lionel are all reunited, even though I thought Lionel was at Petra and Vicki and Judd were in Jerusalem, which is 162 km away. But okay, I'm splitting far too many hairs already. Besides, previous chapters revealed that among the many superpowers RTCs possess, including a complete lack of empathy, apparently they are also the Flash. Sadly, none of their superpowers are anywhere near as cool as any of Mr. T's many powers, but it may be too much to expect anyone to be as cool as Mr. T.

[Slight Tangent] In the great Mr. T. vs. Chuck Norris Internet debate, gotta go with Mr. T. Got to love a guy who became famous simply by being himself and by being himself, I mean, being legally insane by any definition of the word. Plus, Mr. T's brand of crazy is more the loveable kind, rather than the rancid bigoted variety that Chuck Norris's is. [/Slight Tangent]

Lionel shows Vicki and Judd his new arm. I suppose I could make some crack, asking whether Lionel has had a chance to break it in, but y'all probably would appreciate it if I didn't make masturbation jokes about any of the Tribbles.

Nothing really notable about TurboJesus's quotes. I looked up the line “You will flee through this valley, for it will reach across to Azal. Yes, you will flee as you did from the earthquake in the days of King Uzziah of Judah. Then the Lord your God will come, and all his holy ones with me," just to see what would come up. It's from Zechariah, chapter 14. You kind of understand why RTCs would love Zechariah, what with all the trippy imagery that they can abuse the living hell out of and warp to fit their beliefs. Again, there's a reason they tend to side-step the plain-spoken types like Amos; Amos flat-out says what he believes, making it very difficult for them to co-opt him.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia (yes, I know, but it's a good starting place), Zechariah was written during the reign of Darius I during the post-exilic period, during the years 520–518 BC. Cyrus the Great had allowed the Jews to return to their homeland, but they were dealing with the painful realization that, "Hey, turns out going home won't solve all of our problems forever."

So while Zechariah is fun for the RTCs to quotemine, there is a reason that when Zechariah is talking about evil leaders, the leader seems to bear a striking resemblance to Darius I. Plus, I looked up Azal on Wikipedia and long story short, scholars believe it was an actual place, but they aren't entirely sure where it actually was. So again, this whole thing about TurboJesus, again, makes about as much sense as if he proclaimed that he was bringing judgment on Tenochtitlan. It's almost as though Ellanjay spent most of their term searching inside the Bible for words to put in TurboJesus's mouth as he exterminates all the Brutes! and couldn't be arsed to have any of it make sense. But that can't be the case!

Well, okay, they do have TurboJesus say something that his biblical counterpart actually did say. If you guess that they have him say said words, without thinking through the contrast between said words and actions, like at all, you win a No-Prize!

Jesus had dismounted and stretched out his arms. “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem,” the Lord cried, “the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me. And now look, your house is left to you empty. And you will never see me again until you say, ‘Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord!’ ”

Said verses are the last few ones of Matthew 23. It's probably a good thing that RTCs ignore pretty much all the rest of that chapter. Think of the chaos that would ensue if they actually did listen to their pastors and read their Bibles!

Again, were it not for the fact that Atlas Shrugged isn't in the public domain, I think I might have the basis for a great business venture if I printed up Bibles that look and feel like them, with the thin pages and leather covers and everything, only instead of the actual text, I'd put Atlas Shrugged in between. I mean, we all know they'd probably relate more to an atheist, pro-Choice, Russian woman than some dirty hippie who said they should sell all they possess and give it to the poor.

So maybe I should go with the other get-rich quick scheme I've been kicking around: a syrupy, inspiration poster that contains the prayer in red from Mark Twain's "The War Prayer." But the trouble is, while that's in the public domain, I don't think the RTCs would get the point and we'd wind up with a massive case of Misaimed Fandom.

Though I do have to quibble with the last part where TurboJesus says "And you will never see me again until you say, 'Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord!'" I'm like, "Uh, they're seeing you right now, TurboJesus."

Anyway, the chapter ends with both Judd and Vicki receiving their blessings. And of course, we get plenty of the obsequious bowing-and-scraping, going all "We're not worthy!" that we've come to expect from the Tribbles.

Judd kept moving, wanting to run into the arms of Jesus like a child, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his sin. He had been so selfish and felt dirty, as if Jesus might reject him.

But the Lord reached out with his scarred hands. “Come,” he said softly.

Judd looked into Jesus’ eyes—burning like fire and so loving. He ran into the arms of Christ and was gathered in.

“Judd, Judd, how I have looked forward to and longed for this day. I knew your name before the foundation of the world. I have prepared a place for you, and if it were not so, I would have told you.”

Judd tried to speak but couldn’t.

Jesus gently pushed Judd back and looked him full in the face. Judd was only inches away from the King of kings. “I was there when you were born. I was there the night at the youth group when you decided you would go your own way.”

“Forgive me …,” Judd choked.

Insert obligatory joke about how everyone's tears are gin-scented.

Though again, yeah, Judd was a real hell-raiser before he found TurboJesus. Would do things like be unenthusiastic in church and grumble about his parents' rules and restrictions, which is so unlike any teenager ever. One time, he trampled Mr. Wilson's flower bed! That was a two-part episode!

Well, okay, he did commit credit card fraud and sip champagne, but I just have issues with dumping on teenagers for being a teenager.

[Embarrassingly Self-Indulgent Rant About My Own Experiences] While I haven't decided whether or not I'll ever have kids--the prospect kind of terrifies me--I have already vowed that while I will make mistakes, that's a given, I will never ever say anything about "how these are the best years of your life." Because I spent my teenage years, depressed, angry, and bullied relentlessly, and believe it or not, having popular culture and the adults shriek about how these are the best years of your life, doesn't help. Being a teenager fucking sucks! However much it often sucks being an adult, at least, for the most part, people take your opinions and concerns seriously and don't just go "Whatevs, you're a kid. You're too young to know anything or to have experienced actual suffering."

That's one of the reasons I am so grateful to Young Adult Literature. Because YA literature listened, YA Lit was like, "You're right. This really does suck. The adults are full of shit when they say it doesn't. Here's how to cope."

So yeah, find it kind of quaint every time some new whiny editorial comes out, talking about how some YA books delve into some dark issues and the writer is all "Is YA too dark?" First of all, Young Adult is an age category and encompasses a wide variety of literary genres. About the only requirement of the genre is that the protagonist has to be around 11-18. Second of all, there still is light and frothy romances out there for those interested. And of course, my biggest quibble is that it's not like Misery has ever respected a "You Must Be This Tall to Experience This" line. Plenty of kids and teenagers find themselves dealing with some horrible shit before they're old enough to drive and I don't think banning fictionalized portrayals of it, makes it go away.

But yeah, I've seldom read any editorials on Young Adult lit that's worth reading. It's obvious that most of the research consisted of the editorialist taking a glance at the Young Adult section at Barnes & Noble, rather than reading anything published in the field in the last ten years, or talking to anybody currently reading or writing YA lit. They haven't got time for such petty issues as research or learning more about a subject; they've got bland generalities to churn out.

Just know that Young Adult fans can't win, no matter what. If they read stuff dealing with dark issues like rape or violence, the reviewer will whinge and wonder what it means for fans growing up with such a grim view of the world and why can't they publish more frothy romances like when I was a kid? If YA fans read frothy romances, that's proof of the genre's (and by extension, the fans)inherent shallowness. There's a reason YA fans have come up with bingos like these.

Just remember, when the editorialist was a teenager, he or she regularly buried themselves in unreadable classics like Moby Dick. They never went for this bizarre insistence on reading about characters and situations they can relate to. They also ate vegetables like Lay's Potato Chips, never looked at, never mind imbibed alcohol when they were underaged, and never once broke curfew. Yet somehow these saints among men, produced the whiny, entitled Millennials who will undo their great Shangri-La through their infernal simultaneous laziness/activism on behalf of the less fortunate.
[/Rant]

Okay, sorry for all the rants. Just again, every time I see one of those whiny editorials about millennials, I'm like, "Baby Boomers dismantle the societal safety net put in place by those who came before them, wind up twice as conservative as their parents' generation, and proceed to look down on the next generation and be all, 'C'mon, why haven't you solved all our problems for us.'" There are times I honestly wonder if the reason the Baby Boomers refer to their parents as "The Greatest Generation" isn't so much because they took on Hitler while in their teens and twenties, but because that generation produced them and everyone knows the Baby Boomers are the greatest generation ever. Again, I keep making the vow: when my generation is in the corridors of power, I will not blame the next generation for all of my problems. Instead, I'll do the sensible thing and blame the previous generation, which makes more sense than blaming those who will bear the brunt of your mistakes.

TurboJesus blesses Vicki. Not much to report, though props for basic continuity in remembering the whole thing about Vicki's uncle raping her. Though again doesn't cancel out all the cons given because, like I said, Vicki's parents sucked.

Well I think I'll throw on Chapter 46, because I want to. Just know that I am making so many "That's what she said," jokes regarding the opening of said chapter. Because I'm a dirty-minded pervert, that's why.

IT HAD happened so quickly, Vicki thought. And for everyone—a million people had experienced a personal encounter with Jesus.

C'mon you have to be made of stone to resist interpreting those lines in a dirty manner.

Anyway, the demon frog people named Ashtaroth, Baal, and Cankerworm are brought before TurboJesus to be judged. I ran their names through the search engine on my blog and it turns out, they were mentioned a grand total of once in this series. I'll be charitable and say that maybe they did more in the adult books, but in the kids series, they did nothing. So again, yet another weird callback thrown in that means nothing to the readers of this series.

The demon frog people are all "Jesus is Lord!" but TurboJesus sets them on fire and kills them. Though given that they were demons, what exactly happens to them? Unbelieving Humans are tortured for all eternity in Hell, but demons are fallen angels who do the torturing. So what exactly do they think happens to them?

Because as enthusiastic supporters of Team Hell, we know that Ellanjay would never subscribe to the view mentioned in Neil Gaiman's Sandman.

“Go back? I don’t know. I think hell’s something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. They’re doing the same things they always did. They’re doing it to themselves. That’s hell.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 4: Season of Mists

Team Hell tends to believe that once you're sent to Hell, it goes on for all eternity, yet TurboJesus according to their mythos, is supposed to triumph over Satan and make him suffer in Hellfire for all eternity, so they probably don't subscribe to the doctrine of Annihilationism never mind universal reconciliation. So how exactly is TurboJesus punishing the demons by going, "For causing people on Earth to fall into eternal torment for your own pleasure, I am sending you to Hell where you may torment people for all eternity?"

Leon is dragged before TurboJesus and is all whiny and pleading. But apparently he committed the greatest sin of all, according to TurboJesus.

“I tell you the truth, woe to you for not making that discovery while there was yet time. Rather, you rejected me and my Father’s plan for the world. You pitted your will against mine and became the False Prophet, committing the greatest sin known under heaven: rejecting me as the only way to God the Father and spending seven years deceiving the world.”

Yes, how dare Leon try to use his knowledge and skills to communicate his ideas?! How dare he suggest that a brutal cosmic horror that loves to torture and kill people for no real reason, is completely unworthy of worship, and try to convince people to stand up to said Cosmic Horror! The monster! Even Adolf Hitler seems like Santa Claus in comparison!

Then of course, we come to Nicky.

As Nicolae lowered his head, Jesus said, “You became a willing tool of the devil himself. You were a rebel against the things of God and his kingdom. You caused more suffering than anyone in the history of the world. God bestowed upon you gifts of intelligence, beauty, wisdom, and personality, and you had the opportunity to make the most of these in the face of the most pivotal events in the annals of creation.

“Yet you used every gift for personal gain. You led millions to worship you and your father, Satan. You were the cunning destroyer of my followers and accomplished more to damn the souls of men and women than anyone else in your time.

“Ultimately your plans and your regime have failed. And now, who do you say that I am?” Silence. Then a weak voice said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God, who died for the sins of the world and rose again the third day as the Scriptures predicted.”

“And what does that say about you and what you made of your life?”

“I confess that my life was a waste,” Nicolae whispered. “Worthless. A mistake. I rebelled against the God of the universe, whom I now know loved me.”

With sadness Jesus said, “You are responsible for the fate of billions. You and your False Prophet, with whom you shed the blood of the innocents—my followers, the prophets, and my servants who believed in me—shall be cast alive into the lake of fire.”

Yeah, I really believe that TurboJesus is saddened by the prospect of pitching Nicky into Hell, not secretly masturbating feverishly because he gets off on the suffering of others, given how much he lovingly inflicts upon his people! [Primal Scream]

That and I am all confused by this speech. Didn't the prequels show that Nicky was created by two gay dudes (because only gay guys are sufficiently evil enough to produce the anti-Christ) to carry out their eeevil and no doubt, Secret and Gay agenda. Wasn't he raised solely within the confines of people who taught him the evils of peace and love and helped him in his rise to power?! So in short, STOP ACTING LIKE NICKY EVER HAD A CONSCIOUS CHOICE IN ALL THIS AND AT EVERY POINT, HE CHOSE TO DO THE WRONG THING! HE DIDN'T!

[deep breath] I'm guessing the incoherence of his character is born out of Ellanjay want simultaneously to make Nicky akin to Tony Soprano in that opportunities for him to be a better person arise, yet at every interval, he rejects these opportunities. But they can't go too far with that kind of thinking, because the Black-and-White morality of their subculture cannot allow for the existence of Anti-Heroes. Even if everything ends badly for Nicky as a result of straying from what is right and true, someone would object because in showing Nicky doing bad things and bad things happening to him as a result, Ellanjay are clearly advocating doing bad things! Won't Somebody please think of the children?!

But TurboJesus's words rule out a Damian interpretation, that Nicky is a being of pure malice/evil and is capable of doing nothing but evil. Maybe they realized that some readers, like me, might be like "Okay, Nicky was created to be the Anti-Christ and is unable to do anything but be the Anti-Christ in this cockamamie story, yet at the end, he's punished for doing what he was programmed to do?"

So they try to combine both and this may come as a real shock to you, but it doesn't work.

The chapter consists of more verse quoting as TurboJesus judges Lucifer even though I thought Nicky was now fully inhabited by Lucifer and not just serving him, after the whole death and resurrection deal. But whatever, Lucifer is punted into hell, and can you believe we still have two more chapters to go through? Two more chapters even though the story is basically over and TurboJesus has done everything short of tea-bagging his enemies! [whimpers]

That's it for this week. See you until next week.

Satan Totally Has A Point

Sorry, sorry to be late. I had a busy weekend. I saw the new Star Wars film and a performance of Handel's Messiah. All I'm going to say about the new Star Wars is "Seriously, go see this movie!" and as for The Messiah...as always it was damn good. It's kind of weird that it's become a Christmas tradition given that it was written for Easter and I know it's so popular, it's practically a cliché. But there's a reason some things become clichés: because they're damn good. Though the sopranos were kind of shaky, but the bass soloist they had for the "Trumpet shall resound" part, was pretty awesome. Always liked that part: it's like there's a duel going on between the soloist and the trumpet. If nothing else, it was a nice reminder that Christian Art didn't always suck.

So I'm here now. Sorry again for the lateness, but take some consolation in that maybe after all this exposure to good art and how I'm now facing some bad art...maybe it's like starving a junkyard dog, how after a while it attacks everything that moves. Maybe my snark this week will be extra vicious.

So let's get to it. Keep trying to figure out which pop culture reference I should use as a launch point? I couldn't decide so I'll post both. All right. It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix-tape... Let's rock. or for those soulless abominations who hate animated entertainment, I'll reference the classic Blues Brothers bit:

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it.

Again, choose your own pop culture launching point for this week.

Anyway, like I said last week, this chapter contains massive amounts of "Strawman Always Has A Point," though I suppose I should say, "Satan Always Has A Point." Yeah, Nicky's speech is pretty cartoonish, so much so that I totally picture him being voiced by Chris Latta. Ah, Chris Latta, he may be the one actor who could portray Nicky as his writers intended. Too bad he's dead.

But the actual content of said speech...it actually demonstrates some subversive elements, if you get past all the "Bwaah! Bwaah! I am evil!" villain talk. It's a more cartoonish version of Philip Pullman's thesis in His Dark Materials. In the last book in the series, the characters kill God, who is basically a spent, senile old man. I felt Pullman's books were entirely too heavy-handed, especially towards the end, but he makes some of the same points as Nicky. According to the characters of his books, God was the first thing created out of the Dust (an elemental force that binds everything in the Dark Materials-verse)and proceeded to tell everyone that He was God and Created Everything.

I'm probably reading entirely too much into this stuff, but every time I stumble onto anything in this series with any subversive element, I gnaw endlessly on it, like a starving dog with a bone. I'll assume the ghostwriter did most of the writing for this chapter. Though you know Tim LaHaye would get the vapors if he found out that someone compared his books to Philip Pullman's.

Anyway, maybe the ghostwriter thought we were all tired and shagged out after the exciting action of the previous chapter, because all that happens in this chapter is the YTF and Chang and probably some other tribbles I'm too lazy to care about, watch Nicky's speech and bravely make snide remarks from the safe confines of Petra.

Leon Fortunado introduces Nicky and if we're continuing the GC is Cobra thing I mentioned earlier, yes, I totally picture Leon as Destro. Except a guy as fabulous as Leon wouldn't be content with just wearing Destro's usual style: Leon would totally go for the gold-headed pimp Destro model.

:sighs: I know this kind of complaint is the proverbial "Going to a porno and spending all your time complaining about the characters' taste in wallpaper" kind of complaint, but is it weird that the biggest problem I have with Destro wearing a metal bucket on his head, is how exactly does it have little cut-outs for his eyebrows? How does that even work?

Okay, I'll stop being nostalgic for shitty eighties' cartoons and get back to tearing the For Kids! version of Left Behind a new one.

Anyway, the YTF are all chilled by Nicky's pledge to eliminate those who oppose peace within a year. Yeah...again, we run into that old meme with Ellanjay: "Peace is Evil, so everyone who wants it, is evil!" Even though I imagine if you were to ask the spirit of General Patton and the spirit of Martin Luther King, Jr., they'd probably both agree that peace is, y'know, a good thing. They'd just have different ideas as to how to go about achieving it but they'd still agree that it's good.

But Ellanjay...it's like Fred's footnote for his post Pistol-Packing Pacifist says:

We looked at this anti-peacemaker attitude in an earlier post, where I wrote of people like LaHaye that: “They’ve gotten so caught up in guarding against wolves in sheep’s clothing that anything in sheep’s clothing is viewed as the enemy. So all sheep must be shot on sight.” That probably understates the problem. LaHaye doesn’t believe there’s really any such thing as sheep, just a wooly fifth column of wolves.

Okay, I suppose the bit about peace could have been chilling if we got the "Nicky plans to crush all who dissent against him" vibe, but given that's essentially TurboJesus's plan...yeah, I really don't need to go any further, do I? I'm just going to post a quote from Jeremiah and get back to work. Because it's a good quote and you'll probably get where I'm going with it.

Theo: I'd rather follow the man who has the power and doesn't use it, has the ideas, who thinks that they're better than he is than the man who likes power too much and will do anything to get it. The man who thinks that he is bigger than the ideas.

Seriously, go watch this series! I have half a mind to start kidnapping people, tying them up, and making them watch it from beginning to end.

Anyway, like I said last week, according to the error message, I've reached the Publishers' limit on copying and pasting, so I'm being forced to go to creative lengths in order to quote from this book. I'm fairly certain my usage of this book falls under the Fair Use part of copyright law, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about the error message. Somebody who's computer savvy want to help me out?

I will freely admit that I do encourage everyone to pirate the living hell out of this series. Most of the time, I am damn opposed to pirating books (because only the RIAA deserves to be scammed out of cash, because seriously, fuck the RIAA.), but in Ellanjay's case, I say go nuts. Anything to keep them from making more money off of this crap, because even the Fifty Shades of Grey or the Twilight series are better reads.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Carpathia said, “the time has come for me to take you into my confidence. We must all be on the same page in order to win the ultimate battle. Look into my eyes and listen, because what you hear today is truth and you will have no trouble believing every word of it. I am eternal. I am from everlasting to everlasting. I was there at the beginning, and I will remain through eternity future.”

Nicolae stood and began to slowly circle the table.

“It’s as if they’re in a trance,” Vicki said. “Like they’re scared to even look at him.”

“Here is the problem,” Carpathia continued. “The one who calls himself God is not God. I will concede that he preceded me. When I evolved out of the primordial ooze and water, he was already there. But plainly, he had come about in the same manner I did. Simply because he preceded me, he wanted me to think he created me and all the other beings like him in the vast heavens. I knew better. Many of us did.”

So in other words, Nicky is finally doing what we Slacktivites have been suggesting all along: marshalling up his citizens/subjects by saying, "God did all this; therefore he's evil and must be opposed!"

In fact, even with all the cartoonish villain blather, gotta admit that Nicky really has the RTCs' number, so much so that I wonder how the ghostwriter managed to slip this one by. I suppose said brave ghostwriter was helped by the fact that Ellanjay believe that only amateurs reread and edit their works, but still.

Carpathia talked as if he were explaining a math problem to a group of second graders. “He tried to tell us we were created as ministering servants. We had a job to do. He said he had created humans in his own image and that we were to serve them. Had I been there first, I could have told him that I had created him and that it was he who would serve me by ministering to my other creations.

“But he did not create anything! We, all of us—you, me, the other heavenly hosts, men and women—all came from that same primordial soup. But no! Not according to him! He was there with another evolved being like myself, and he claimed that one as his favored son. He was the special one, the chosen one, the only begotten one.

“I knew from the beginning it was a lie and that I—all of us—was being used. I was a bright and shining angel. I had ambition. I had ideas. But that was threatening to the older one. He called himself the creator God, the originator of life. He took the favored position. He demanded that the whole earth worship and obey him. I had the audacity to ask why. Why not me?”

Of course, Judd gives the witty rejoinder, "Because you're the father of all lies," but again, I continue to be on Team Nicky. Because where exactly would Nicky have gotten these ideas if GOD HIMSELF HADN'T PLANTED THEM IN HIS HEAD! GOD GAVE HIM THESE IDEAS AND TURNED HIM INTO SATAN AND WILL PUNISH HIM FOR BASICALLY BEING SATAN BECAUSE HE'S A CRUEL FUCK THAT WAY!

Or the way I see it, in this scenario, God was the negligent parent who spilled huge amounts of pills all over the damn floor, even though he lived in a house with small children. Then when said small child swallowed a handful and became very sick, GOD BASICALLY BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF THE KID FOR BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO SWALLOW SAID PILLS AND GET SICK!

Though wait, that isn't entirely accurate. As bad as most abusive parents are, at least, there are limits to what they can do to a kid. No matter what you feel about torture or abuse (I really hope my readers are opposed to it), there's a natural endpoint in that you can't hurt them anymore after they've died. BUT GIVEN THAT ELLANJAY BELIEVE IN HELL AND THAT IT'S FOREVER AS IN WITHOUT END!

Y'know what, before I go any further, I'm going to post some good writing as a palate cleanser. And yes, I am quoting from Sandman Vol. 4 again, because Neil Gaiman has more talent in an eyelash than Ellanjay do in their entire bodies. Note how Neil Gaiman handles stuff like the Fall, as Lucifer talks to Dream:

LUCIFER: I'm tired, Morpheus. So tired. You knew me, Dream. You knew me when I was an angel. What was I like?

MORPHEUS: You were very proud, Samael. But you were also very beautiful, and wise -- and passionate.

LUCIFER: Was I? Yes... yes, I was. I cared about so many things. I cared so deeply, back then, in the cold at the beginning of things. In the Silver City. I suppose that was why everything began to go wrong. You know... I still wonder how much of it was planned. How much of it He knew in advance.

I thought I was rebellng. I thought I was defying his rule. No... I was merely fulfilling another tiny segment of his great and powerful plan. If I had not rebelled, another would have, in my stead. Raguel, perhaps. Or Sandalphon.

We fell, my comrades in arms and I. We fell so far... so long... And after an eternity of falling, we came to rest in this place. And I knew then that there was no way that I would ever return to paradise.

Nicky starts talking about the whole rebellion he lead against God and about how a third of angels fought with him. Uh, yeah, someone want to tell Ellanjay that the whole shtick about Lucifer rebelling and being cast to Hell is basically Biblical fanfiction created by a guy taking a handful of verses and using them as jumping off point for his ideas? Though I can imagine why Ellanjay wouldn't want to reflect too long on that last part.


He rehashes Genesis talking about how he tempted Eve into eating the fruit and Cain into killing Abel. I admit that this part of the speech is mostly "Bwaah! Bwaah! I am evil!" blather, but again...Satan continues to have a point. It's nice that Ellanjay acknowledge that even the bad guys see themselves as the hero of their story, even if they horribly botch it because they're unwilling to take this line of thinking too far. But again, their subculture really doesn't have much respect for inquiry.

Then there's this bit:

Before you know it, I am proving beyond doubt that these creatures are not really products of the older angel’s creativity. Within a few generations I have them so confused, so selfish, so full of themselves that the old man no longer wants to claim they were made in his image.

“They get drunk; they fight; they blaspheme. They are stubborn; they are unfaithful. They kill each other. The only ones I cannot get through to are Noah and his kin. Of course, the great creator decides the rest of history depends on them and wipes out everyone else with a flood. I eventually got to Noah, but he had already started repopulating the earth.

I find the bit about Noah to be very interesting, especially where it mentions that eventually Satan got to Noah. It makes me wonder if someone clued in Ellanjay that their RTC forefathers used Genesis 9:20-27 as basically a Biblical cudgel to justify slavery. Later when they couldn't justify slavery with it, the bigots held onto it, using it in order to justify Jim Crow laws.

I suppose if I pointed this out to Ellanjay, they would be appalled, saying that they totally would have supported Martin Luther King, Jr. and how dare you say otherwise! Yeah I've got another webcomic for them.

Because we all know that they're going to do the same with Gay Rights as they did with the Civil Rights: deny, deny, deny until said views start costing them bodies in the pew (or in other words, money) after which they'll reverse themselves and pretend like they were totally on the right side of history all along. Sad part is because their subculture sucks at history, said strategy will work.

The next part I highly suspect was put in to bolster their "The Other Guys are the Real Anti-Semites, not us!" defense. Because Satan wants to exterminate the Jews, but Ellanjay just want them to surrender their cultural identities, give up everything that makes them a separate people, and convert or die and burn in Hell forever, which is totally different.

“Yes, I will admit it. The father and the son have been formidable foes over the generations. They have their favorites—the Jews, of all people. The Jews are the apples of the elder’s eye, but therein lies his weakness. He has such a soft spot for them that they will be his undoing.

“My forces and I almost had them wiped out not so many generations ago, but father and son intervened, gave them back their own land, and foiled us again. Fate has toyed with us many times, my friends, but in the end we shall prevail.

Nicky does the bit that aunursa had mentioned in a previous post where Nicky basically bwaahs! about how he's going to win by following God's plan to the letter even though said plan ends in his defeat. I fast-forward through it to quote this part.

“Let them turn the lights off in the great city that I loved so much! Ah, how beautiful it was when it was the center for commerce and government, and the great ships and planes brought in goods from all over the globe. So it is dark now. And so what if it is eventually destroyed? I will build it back up, because I am more powerful than father and son combined.

“Let them shake the earth until it is level and drop hundred-pound chunks of ice from the skies. I will win in the end because I have read their battle plan. The old man plans to send the son to set up the kingdom he predicted more than three hundred times in his book, and he even tells where he will land! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a surprise waiting for him!"

I'll admit it's still heavy on the cartoonish villain talk, enough that I continue to see Nicky as Cobra Commander, but in spite of this, bits of it are oddly inspiring.

Because the core is Nicky basically saying, "We're going to stand up, fight the Eldritch Horrors trying to wipe us out, and win!" and as Fred Clark points out, heroes are generally opposed to the destruction of the world. It's kind of part of the job description: heroes value life and will do whatever they can to save whoever they can. Villains believe that the ends justify the means.

Or in other words, think of Avengers 2: Age of Ultron where Ultron is all "Okay you can stop me from destroying the world or save a city full of millions of innocent civilians." And in true hero fashion, the collective response of The Avengers is "STFU! We're doing both!" and they proceed to do so. The Avengers could have easily decided, in realpolitik fashion, that the billions of lives that would be lost if Ultron won, far outweighed a city full of civilians, but they double-downed and bent over backwards to prove that Ultron was wrong about humans.

[TANGENT] I find myself wondering if Avengers 2 didn't exist as one giant Take That against that movie I hate so very much. Instead of a movie that's dour and dreary and steadfastly refuses to admit that there is anything awe-inspiring or cool about seeing a man fly, Avengers 2 gave us bright colors, a rousing score, and heroes who actually do care about life instead of just paying lip service to the whole "Heroes value human life" trope. [/TANGENT]

Or if you're tired of me fangirling the MCU, I'll use Fred Clark's words on the subject. Yeah, I already linked to said post, but I totally felt it deserved to be in the body of the snark.

One thing it might suggest is that Nicolae Carpathia doesn’t know that he’s the Antichrist. He doesn’t seem to realize that history is in its final throes, with the last curtain closing in less than six years from this point in the story.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to work with the rest of what we’ve been told or shown about Nicolae. I’ve wished it were true, because I think his character — and the entire story — would be a lot more interesting if he had no idea that he was the Antichrist, and no idea of all the “Bible prophecies” and End Times check list events he was required/predetermined to fulfill. But the authors have never given us any other motive or explanation for Nicolae’s behavior. His agenda — from the construction of New Babylon to the rebuilding of the Temple in Jerusalem — is just too weird and arbitrary to be explained by anything other than his working from the same prophecy check list that’s pinned up on the wall of Bruce Barnes’ study.

So he’s gotta know he’s the Antichrist, and he surely knows the final countdown of the seven-year Tribulation is under way.

But maybe he really thinks he can win. Maybe he imagines that he’ll be able to change the predetermined outcome at Armageddon, preventing the End of the World and thereby continuing his reign as global dictator for the rest of his natural life. In that case, it might make sense for him to want children — to raise an heir who could inherit his throne. Maybe Nicolae really thinks he has a chance of keeping history and the world going longer than just the next five and a half years, long enough to see his child graduate from school, maybe get married some day and make him not just a father but a grandfather. …

But that scenario – the Antichrist-who-thinks-he-can-win-Armageddon possibility — raises another huge problem. It turns the whole story upside-down. It gives us a story in which powerful forces are at work trying to bring about the end of the world, while one man rises up to oppose them — fighting to save the world and to prevent the slaughter of billions of people. If that’s the story, then there’s no way that guy isn’t the hero of the story — even if that guy is also the Antichrist.

Fighting to save the world makes you the hero. That’s how that always works.

Anyway, because I am a massive MCU fangirl and I especially fangirl Captain America, I'm going to blather on some more about my love for said series and yes, I will provide a clip for your perusal.

Because I find myself thinking of the conversation between Erskine and Steve. Erskine basically says that he chose Steve because he felt that a weak man would know the value of strength and be less likely to abuse it. Fair enough, but I wonder if Erskine considered the possibility that a weak man who is given power, may very well decide to use it to abuse others. It seems a sadly oft-repeated theme in history: somebody on the bottom gets pushed around and picked on by those higher up, until somehow positions change and now the weak man is the one with the power. But the problem is that the weak man has internalized the "Might makes Right" attitude of those who used to bully him, so said weak man proceeds to become as bad as those who used to pick on him, using his power to push around those lower than him.

Of course, we all know Steve, by virtue of being awesome, didn't internalize the bully's mindset and become a bully himself, but still. Though I know Ellanjay are aware of the whole internalizing mindset. Because it just keeps showing up on the Right: "If we give the black folk/the gays/whatever group serves as their bogeyman, the rights due to them as Americans, they will immediately oppress and enslave us!" Granted, they use other words to express this idea, but the general meaning remains the same. They think Rights work like Pie in that in order to give someone a bigger slice, you must take away from someone else's slice. But Rights don't work like Pie. Giving more people more rights just leads to more rights for everyone. Rights multiply.

Anyway, there's some boring blather about weapons and then we get to the part where Lionel warns us to have strong stomachs.

If you're wondering which part of the Bible they're taking out of consequence, it's Revelation 16:13-14. For those of you too lazy to read the whole thing in the link, here's the verses in question:

Then I saw three impure spirits that looked like frogs; they came out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast and out of the mouth of the false prophet. They are demonic spirits that perform signs, and they go out to the kings of the whole world, to gather them for the battle on the great day of God Almighty.

So okay, we should expect to see demon-frog people. But, y'know, they're going to botch it. I remember one time when they had something in there about a river from a dragon's mouth being sent to kill God's people. I kind of knew they would interpret the part about the dragon as being about Nicky, rather than an actual mother-effing dragon, and they did, but I wondered how they would interpret the part about "the river from the dragon's mouth." I thought it would involve Nicky trying to kill everyone with his drool, which would be so stupid it crosses the line and becomes awesome, but instead, it involved an army of soldiers. Because Ellanjay support a straightforward interpretation of scripture.

Anyway the demon-frog people appear and Nicky says this:

“Please meet Ashtaroth, Baal, and Cankerworm. They are the most convincing and persuasive spirits it has ever been my pleasure to know. I am going to ask now that we, all of us, gather round them and lay hands on them, commissioning them for this momentous task.”

Not bad, but that seen could have been so much more metal than it was. You find yourself wishing that Iron Maiden or Black Sabbath was here: at least they'd give us an awesome album cover that would capture all the ridiculous awesomeness.

With the potentates and the others touching the three, Nicolae said, “And now go, you three, to the ends of the earth to gather them to the final conflict in Jerusalem, where we shall once and for all destroy the father and his so-called Messiah. Persuade everyone everywhere that the victory is ours, that we are right, and that together we can destroy the son before he takes over this world. Once he is gone, we will be the undisputed, unopposed leaders of the world.

“I confer upon you the power to perform signs and heal the sick and raise the dead, if need be, to convince the world that victory is ours. And now go in power."

If what I'd shown you thus far, hasn't turned you into a drooling Nicky fanboy or fangirl, the above should be enough. Because again, saving the world, along with healing the sick and resurrecting the dead, tends to be the kind of stuff that heroes do. So I want everyone to join me in saying, "Hail Satan!"

Anyway, that's it. This post was getting so damn long I was worried I'd have to halve it or something, but it's done. It'll have to tide you over for a bit; this weekend I'll be visiting relatives because of Christmas and whatnot, so I won't be able to dish out high-quality snark. You'll just have to hold on a bit longer.