Saturday, September 12, 2015

Heavy on the Red Dawn, Light on the Che Guevera

Hello and happy Saturday everyone!

I was somewhat surprised by all the people who pointed out the overwhelming amount of eighties cheese in last week's post. I thought by now, you guys would have figured out my weakness for that sort of thing. It was stupid, it was cheesy, and most of the eighties cartoons we remember fondly, existed primarily as twenty-two minute long toy commercials, but dammit, if there isn't something lovable about it. Though given that the eighties also gave us Reagan aka the guy who gave us most of the rightwing BS we're still trying to climb out from under, maybe I shouldn't remember that decade too fondly. Yeah, I much prefer the Zombie Reagan from Shortpacked! to the actual one. Anyway, let's put on our eighties montage music and get to this, shall we?

Those of you wanting epic ragedumps, hate to break it to you, but this week consists of padding, so much padding. Granted Vicki finally makes an onscreen appearance worthy of me finally tagging her in a post, but given that all she does is watch the news, is that really worth bragging about.

As you probably guessed, while Vicki appears, there is no sight or mention of the third member of the YTF. You may have heard of him, he's Black (remember, being Black totally counts as a personality trait in Ellanjayland), recently hacked off his left arm to escape a trap, answers to the name of Lionel Washington. Again, I open the floor to my fellow readers to create stories as to what has happened to him. What has Lionel been doing while everyone's been focused on the love lives of Judd and Vicki? I've theorized that Lionel is one of the ads from the Simpsons Halloween Special in that he disappears when no one is paying any attention to him, but I also haven't ruled out the possibility of him being Judy Winslow or Chuck Cunningham. But I open the floor to all my creative readers out there. Just know that whatever you come up with, it'll still make more sense and be more interesting than anything Ellanjay have written.

Sorry, I should stop stalling and get to this, but like I said, nothing really happens. Just so much talking...

Anyway, we begin with Judd. Apparently Gunther still hasn't accepted the Tribbles' ethos of Doing Nothing, because he :gasp: wants to take advantage of the Blindness Plague and actually do something against the GC!

Westin agrees, but Judd doesn't. Since Judd is a Main Character, whose judgment cannot be questioned, we all know that he'll be ruled in the right.

Westin and Gunther knelt together by the front of the transport truck. Judd walked up as Gunther patted Westin on the shoulder. “It’s decided then.”

“What’s decided?” Judd said.

“We’re going to take advantage of this new manpower and put the Global Community on its heels,” Gunther said.

“What are you talking about?” Judd said. “We have to get back to the airport and get to Petra.”

Gunther stood and put an arm on Judd’s shoulder. “I understand, but we have pressing matters here.”

Westin stood. “There are a lot more guillotines to destroy, and if we can get in Nicolae’s palace before this darkness lifts—”

“But you can’t do that,” Judd said. “You might destroy valuable stuff the Trib Force needs.”

To be fair, I am going like "Really?!" because their brave acts of Resistance in the face of Tyranny sound like petty vandalism. Given how well Nicky's infrastructure/supply network has withstood countless Acts of God, I'm fairly certain he could cope if the Tribbles destroyed a few guillotines here and there. Ellanjay really could stand to do some research on guerilla warfare, but then again, the Right in general could stand to do some research on the subject.

Because even though the Father of Our Country defeated the British and won our independence primarily through guerilla warfare, every time our enemies uses said tactics against us, we are always shocked and appalled and caught completely off-guard. Because in war, everybody is supposed to operate on the honor system and never use underhanded tactics or do anything that tips the battle more in their favor. It's like a previous commenter (in an post on the older books that I'm too lazy to dig around and find)said, modern militia movements are heavy on the Red Dawn, but light on the Che Guevera.

I am curious as to what they are talking about when they refer to Nicky's palace. Our dear Fred has already talked about how for all their chest-thumping, the Tribbles' brave acts of resistance against worldwide tyranny, amount to little more than putting a whoopee cushion on Hitler's chair. So I'm going to assume they'd probably do something like short-sheet Nicky's bed or stick his hand in a bucket of warm water and run away giggling, if they got inside his palace.

But part of me wonders if they are considering something bigger, like say, another assassination attempt. Nicky has already been killed before, which led to him becoming Satan. Is it ever explained whether he could be killed again? Because I'm wondering if Nicky's resurrection mojo, if it works like Claire's healing powers on Heroes where if there's something lodged in her brain, her body won't be able to reboot and heal itself, so to speak. So what if the Tribbles drive the sword through Nicky's skull but leave it in, hiding his body and placing guards around it so it can't reboot? But yeah, the possibility will never occur to any of the characters because it'll never occur to the writers.

Judd's like "We've got someone on the inside and if you destroy GC computers, you'll hurt the GC for maybe a week, but you'll cripple the Tribbles' efforts to figure out what's going on."

I'm assuming he is referring to Chinese Plot Device, aka Chang Wong, though really why do the Tribbles need to know what's going on? They have the prophecy list as well as absolute confirmation that it's all true. They know what freakish disaster is going to happen next. What information can Chang give them besides maybe the GC's Cafeteria lunch menu? If the Tribbles were actually a resistance group (here's a hint: if you're going to call yourself a resistance group, you actually have to do acts of resistance), I'd understand. But since their idea of resistance involves, like Fred said, placing a whoopee cushion on Hitler's chair and making disdainful remarks while watching the news...I don't really need to say any more, now do I?

But Westin and Gunther, not recognizing how desperate Judd is to get laid before God takes away sex for everyone, thinks they shouldn't immediately get to Petra, that they should hang around New Babylon and do as much damage as they could to Nicky's regime.

I suppose everyone's tired of me making cracks about how desperate Judd wants to get laid and that he's marrying Vicki not so much because he loves her, but because since she has boobs and is of age, and once he's gotten married, he and her can get it on all they like, so long as they claim they are only doing it for the purpose of reproduction and they don't enjoy it one bit. But seriously, read the paragraph posted below and tell me that Judd doesn't desperately want to get laid.

Judd rubbed his eyes and sighed. This trip to New Babylon was supposed to have been quick, in and out, but here he was, days after he had first arrived. He had helped men escape the clutches of the GC, and some had become believers, but he couldn’t help thinking about the safety of Petra.

In all honesty, it probably would do Judd some good to get laid or do something to break him out of this inflated sense of self he has. But it's probably not going to happen. Even though if he did commit the sin of :gasp: premarital sex, he could just ask for forgiveness afterwards and be free and clear in God's eyes. Because I'm fairly certain that's something the RTCs believe: all sins, ranging from consensual premarital intercourse to preying on underaged girls, are of equal weight in God's eyes, unless you confess them with the precise amount of passion and sincerity required. After which, the slate is wiped clean and only a truly horrible person would :gasp: demand some kind of punishment or act of restitution beyond saying, "I'm really sorry, gosh darn it."

Judd and Chang talk on the phone and I'm fast-forwarding through much of it, because it's just so boring! I'm not made of stone, people! Basically St. Rayford is flying in and Nicky still has a healthy glow. The whole mention of Nicky's times like this that I wish I had any talent for crafting song parodies. Because we really need a song parody about this, set to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

Something along the lines of: Nicky the evil Anti-Christ
Something Something
Had a very shiny something
And if you ever saw him
You would even say he glows.

But in all honesty I can never get very far with said parody. Because I, unlike Ellanjay, recognize my weaknesses and know that I suck at scansion, so I'll stop and not inflict any more pain on my hapless readers. Just if anybody has any talent at song parodies, feel free to go nuts. Use my idea or if you've got something better, use it. Anything to save me from dying from boredom.

St. Rayford makes an appearance and talks more about travel logistics and I continue to whimper. I know I should pay attention but given that nothing that happens ever has any consequences, plus I have enough useless information crammed in my head, I'm not going to. You guys want to know about this stuff?! Get your own copy of the book! I have my limits, dammit!

Seriously does Ellanjay honestly believe that that's what the youth of today love, travel logistics? That apparently Suzanne Collins and Libba Bray and Scott Westerfeld went wrong in assuming that kids what to read about characters they can relate to and universes where actions have consequences, forcing said characters to grow and develop?

Anyway, Judd's section ends with this conversation between Judd and St. Rayford:

“Plenty,” Rayford said. “I made a contact inside the palace, met this Otto character, and we crashed a meeting of Carpathia’s.”

“You were actually in the room with Nicolae?”

“He didn’t know we were there, but yes. We overheard him telling his people he’s going to put an end to the ‘Jew- ish problem’ and he’s calling a meeting of all ten heads of the global regions. They’re going to meet in Baghdad to map out their strategy. And we found out Nicolae’s storehouse of nuclear weapons is hidden at Al Hillah.”

“The nukes the world gave up and he was supposed to destroy?”

“Right. He’s moving his operation there, though the palace will still hold his staff.” Rayford’s phone chirped. “I’ve got a call from San Diego. I’d better take this. Take care, Judd. Hope to see you in Petra soon.”

“Me too,” Judd said.

I'm assuming this conversation exists as yet another part of Ellanjay's attempt at a "They're the real Anti-Semites, not us!" defense. I suppose I could dig out my boilerplate rant about how they totally are, but doesn't seem worth the effort.

I could point out that the idea of Nicky keeping all his nukes stored in one place, is pretty damn stupid. I could also point out that if St. Rayford is suggesting that the Brave Tribbles are about to attack, thus destroying Nicky's weapons and making a bold stand against tyranny...first of all, who are you and what have you done with the actual Tribbles? Because everyone knows that the RTC Gospel can be summed up as "Love God with all your strength and all your might and whatever you do, don't actually do anything that would alleviate the massive amount of suffering going on in the world." So yeah, why would the Tribbles suddenly want to do shit and violate that sacred ethos?

I also could say that Nicky's stash of nukes is probably carefully guarded and security would shoot the RTCs out of the sky before they could make a single run, but given all the articles I've read about the disturbing laxness regarding the security of the US's arsenal and how the computers involved in dealing with them are pretty much relics dating back to the eighties...this may be the one moment where I can honestly say that Ellanjay was right about something. I know, I'm scared too, kids.

There's a brief section where Judd and Vicki talk, again with Vicki being all girly and worried about Judd. I often wonder if Judd ever worries about her or sees her as anything other than a vagina to penetrate.

The next part begins with "Two days later" as Ellanjay continue to show how hip and down with people they are, by having the bulk of the chapter consist of Vicki watching the news and making disdainful comments.

For those of you who don't know, we've reached the part where Chloe is captured and undergoes such tortures as being deprived of a few meals. From what I can tell, the website posted in the previous link, the person running it is probably just a little tetched in the head, nowhere near as awesome and clear-headed in his/her takedowns of the series the way Fred is, but I felt the scathing comments on the "horrific" torture of Chloe Steele warranted the link being posted. Because it is exhibit God-only-Knows-How-Many that proves that Ellanjay have no imagination whatsoever.

So basically like I said, this chapter is entirely just Vicki and her friends being shocked and appalled at the fact that a Satanic NWO would go so far as to lie about a member of a terrorist organization!

“Thank you, Chief Akbar. We have further learned that Mrs. Williams is the daughter of Rayford Steele, who once served as pilot for Global Community Supreme Potentate Nicolae Carpathia. He was fired some years ago for insubordination and drinking while on duty, and GC intelligence believes his resentment led to his current role as an international terrorist.”

“I don’t believe this,” Mark said. “Those are such lies!”

How dare they call St. Rayford and anyone associated him a terrorist! I mean he's only a member of an organization that has made a vow to do everything in its power to undermine and bring down the government and he did make an unsuccessful attempt on Nicky's life! How can anyone construe that as St. Rayford being involved in terrorist activities?!

Yeah, another thing someone should tell Ellanjay: one group's freedom fighters is another group's terrorists. We remember General Washington's troops as Patriots, who fought bravely against British tyranny. Whereas the British troops saw them as threats to the British Crown.

It's an old rule: one’s definition of terrorist depends entirely on which ‘side’ one is on.

But given how much Ellanjay hate acknowledging that issues frequently come in shades of grey, rather than black and white, you can understand why this series is so damn incoherent. They want to write a series about a group of plucky rebels standing up to a tyrannical government, but at the same time, they believe that their heroes must be entirely on the straight and narrow and can never do anything evil, not even :gasp: lie in order to protect innocents from an even worse fate. They also can't face the fact that to a GC officer, they'd see the plucky rebels as a threat to the peace and order that Nicky is trying to create. So like I said, no matter what they do, their story comes across as pretty damn incoherent.

But then again, given that their knowledge of resistance groups seems to come solely from Red Dawn, again, can't really blame them. Though as bad as Red Dawn was, it did make some effort at showing the suffering the Wolverines and the townspeople were undergoing at the hands of the evil invaders. It may have been a piece of chest-beating "America, Fuck Yeah!" propaganda, but at least it did show the rebels being hungry, cold, and scared, which is more than Ellanjay ever do.

I'm going to provide a link to a trailer for a movie about a resistance group that they really need to see.

“Williams, his wife, and her father are international fugitives in exile, wanted for more than three dozen murders around the world. Mrs. Williams herself heads a black-market operation suspected of hijacking billions of Nicks’ worth of goods around the world and selling them for obscene profits to others who cannot legally buy and sell due to their refusal to pledge loyalty to the potentate.

“The Williamses, who have amassed a fortune on the black market, have one child remaining after Mrs. Williams apparently aborted two fetuses and an older daughter died under questionable circumstances. The son, whom they have named Jesus Savior Williams, pictured here, is two years old. Acquaintances report that the Williamses believe he is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, who will one day conquer Nicolae Carpathia and return the globe to Christianity.” The screen filled with a picture of a toddler wearing a T-shirt that read “Kill Carpathia!”

Like I keep saying, they want to tell a story about a group of plucky rebels yet they don't want to admit that the tyrannical government they're fighting against, would have good reason to have a dim view of said plucky rebels. Because said government should know that of all the religions in the world, the RTCs are the correct one. Therefore, you should give them whatever they want and let them set up their theocracy without a whimper of protest.

Though that story about Chloe naming her kid, Jesus Savior Williams...yes, I know she named him Kenny Bruce, but it does amuse me a little, wondering if he grows up to be the LB-verse equivalent of GG Allin.

Anyway, the YTF are shocked, shocked that the GC wouldn't hesitate to lie in order to get their supporters fired up and ready to take action against a terrorist group. They are much relieved when they read Token Jew's website, which basically says that it's a lies.

I'm not going to snark said message since like I said, there isn't really much to snark. I'll just quote a small part of it.

The Judah-ites are anything but “the last holdouts in opposition to the New World Order.” Many Jewish and Muslim factions, as well as former militia groups primarily in the United North American States, still have refused to accept the mark of loyalty to the Supreme Potentate and must hide in fear for their lives.

I'm going to assume that this is yet another Author's Savings Throw put in as an attempt to refute their critics who say that Ellanjay's views of non-Christian religions is patronizing at best. Like all their attempts at savings throws, it fails, mostly because previous books demonstrated that apparently the Muslims had no problem with Israel absorbing most of their territories or destroying their sacred religious sight in order to build the temple.

Plus, in case they've forgotten, there are more faiths than just the Abrahamic ones they've acknowledged. I'm sure they have only the vaguest of ideas regarding Eastern religions, but I sincerely doubt that all the Buddhists and Hindus would meekly abandon the faith that has sustained them for centuries in favor of the poorly-defined EBOWF or Carpathianism. Ever heard of Thich Quang Duc? Here's a hint: being a Buddhist isn't synonymous with being a wuss.

Vicki's section ends with her and the others with her (don't ask for specific names. Because I don't know and I don't care) praying that Chloe makes it to the Glorious Appearing. Spoiler alert: Chloe's neck will soon be enjoying a pleasant breeze.

The section cuts back to Judd. Chang's in Petra now and his Mark is gone. Wooo....

I thought I'd throw on a second chapter because so little happened this week and so little will happen next week :whimpers: , but it's taken me long enough to get this post out. So I'm afraid this will have to tide y'all over for now.


aunursa said...

Is it ever explained whether [Nicky] could be killed again? No. That's above L&J's pay grade.

Firedrake said...

The eighties in RTCland: like the fifties, but Moar Christian!

"Yeah, when we take over we're going to need those guillotines. Because when we do it it's just dandy."

Being fair, if you're on the side that inevitably wins when everybody plays nice, you have a lot of reason to say "everybody should play nice".

RTCs are a bit wary of confession as you describe it, because that's Catholic and therefore foreign. They often seem to do something along vaguely similar lines, but it's more "when you accept God all your previous sin is erased" and "if you sin again after that you clearly didn't truly accept God, better do it again".

Compared with the damage done by God so far, the worlds' nuclear arsenals will barely make a dent.

Terrorism and drinking on duty. Isn't there a TVTrope about that, something like murder, rape and parking violations? (Their search has never worked for me.)

spiritplumber said...

My guess about killing Nicolae is that people DO, it just gets retconned in front of their eyes. Shotgun blast to the face? The face just sort of reforms. Kinda like the T-1000 or the super-vampires in Blade.

Or maybe it's a bit more interesting in that Nicolae resurrects as soon as every observer is gone, pulling himself from a parallel world in which the assassination attempt failed.

Or maybe the plot is just on rails.

Plenty,” Rayford said. “I made a contact inside the palace, met this Otto character, and we crashed a meeting of Carpathia’s.”

“You were actually in the room with Nicolae?”

“He didn’t know we were there, but yes. We overheard him --"

"And you didn't shoot him? Beat him to a pulp? Shiv him in the neck?"

"No, we just sort of listened..."

"While everyone else was in complete darkness and couldn't really stop you."


"And Carpathia glowed, like a big neon sign saying END ME AND WIN A PLANET."

"...yeah... Look, shut up, I'm a main character, dammit."

“Me too,” Judd said.

Now I wonder if the story would be much different if Max Rockatanski was in this universe. I don't know about his wife, but his child would be Raptured, so we'd get a quick reference to that. Max's wife would probably die in one of the various disasters, Max not so much. Then we'd get 16 (or is it 40?) books of fluff as the Tribbles do absolutely nothing.

Then TurboJesus would come back riding His white horse, and get run over by an angry Australian in a 1973 Ford Falcon. A few times. Max would then proceed to coldly exterminate Satan and the archangels before turning around and finish TurboJesus off, then drive off into the desert on one of the few remaining roads. And that's the story of why after the Apocalypse was left hanging, Israel switched to left-hand drive.

spiritplumber said...


Firedrake said...

That's the badger. Thanks, sp.

(One day "prove you're not a robot" will be seen for the hateful racial stereotyping that it is.)