Saturday, August 23, 2014

Judd Thompson: Too Dumb to Live

If the snark seems kind of weak regarding the first chapter, it's because once again, nothing happens in these books. I know I say that a lot but I continue to be awed by the way, despite numerous acts of God and Satan, nothing really happens. It takes a special kind of talent in order to drain inherently interesting events of any excitement.

Judd and Lionel are on Z-Van's plane on their way to Paris. Once again, I ask why the hell do they still trust Z-Van? To recycle a metaphor, it's like we're in a zombie movie and Judd keeps going, "Well, he keeps hungering for brains and trying to bite me. But I'm sure that doesn't mean anything." You can't say Judd's trying to convert him because we've already seen Z-Van take the Mark, which means he's officially damned for all eternity. There are no more chances for Z-Van!

You think I'm exaggerating about Judd's stupidity in trusting Z-Van? Hello and welcome to the blog! Let me provide just a sample of Judd's stupidity.

When a woman Judd didn’t recognize climbed aboard, Z-Van got everyone’s attention. “I want you to meet Gabrielle. She’ll be our backup pilot for Westin, should anything happen to him.” He smiled and Judd felt a chill. Was Z-Van planning something in Paris?

I'm not sure which is more irritating: the fact that the heroes of these novels are dumber than dirt or the fact that the villains are.

Judd talks to Chang, who says that the GC can't identify them because apparently those hats, which he must have gotten at the same place Clark Kent gets his glasses, hid their faces. We do get another mention of the Morale Monitor(MM) that Judd trampled. According to Chang, MM is in the hospital in critical condition. I wonder if that's the extent they'll mention this guy or if he'll be given a name and an obligatory conversion scene.

We get a section from Chang. Not much really happens with him, just him hanging around as the GC are like "Der our bombs didn't work." They wonder why and I headdesk. Aunursa, I know you probably don't read this blog anymore but if you do, can you help me out here? I thought Nicky's shtick was that he knew about the cockamamie prophecies and is slavishly following them because he believes for some reason that he can change the outcome. Granted that makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, if Nicky has read the prophecies then he knows how it ends, with his ass getting punted into Hell, so why in anyone's name would he follow them to the letter? I mean, if you received a prophecy saying that two years from now, you'll be stabbed to death while wearing a striped shirt, wouldn't you do something to stop it, even if it's just banning stripes from your wardrobe?

Chang had listened to conversations at the water cooler and around the office and wondered if any of his coworkers had ever considered God. Now, with the mark of Carpathia on every forehead, he grieved for them. He wasn’t any different than any of these people, except that God had broken through and convinced him of the truth.

God broke through and convinced you of the truth because you're an PC as opposed to all the nameless off-screen damned NPCs. But don't call Chang a heartless sociopath: he clearly feels bad that the God he serves will damn them for all eternity to a place of ever-lasting torment. Not bad enough to try to do anything, but still.

I'm fast-forwarding through much of this chapter because again, not really much to snark. Mark talks and thinks about maybe welcoming Vicki back. Vicki and Tanya work on escaping.

Judd is watching a video of Leon Fortunado giving his version of The Great Commission: Go forth and make disciples of all nations in the name of Satan. He empowers Z-Van and we end the chapter with this bit.

When the video ended, Z-Van stepped in front of the monitor. “You have seen what the Most High Reverend Father of Carpathianism has given me. You saw a little of my power onstage in Jerusalem. Tonight, you will see even greater things. Tonight, in front of hundreds of thousands, we will win the hearts of many, turn them to the true lord, and make a sacrifice to our king.”
Z-Van put out his hands and those seated went rigid. He whispered something, then opened his eyes, red as flame, and let loose an evil laugh.

So now that Z-Van is even more obviously evil, you're probably wondering what Judd will do. And the answer, according to the beginning of the second chapter of this week's snark, is not a damned thing. Word of advice, people, if you're ever in any kind of post-apocalyptic scenario with Judd, be it a zombie attack or something else, just throw Judd to the zombies and/or were-things or whatever and save yourself. In fact, if you find yourself on a deserted island with Judd, just get rid of him, even if there is enough food for the two of you. Because eventually something will happen and he'll doom you somehow. He's worse than Gilligan.

But in Judd's defense, he does pray for the guy he trampled, asking that God reach him somehow.

“God, I admit I don’t know what to pray about that guy,” Judd prayed honestly. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. You know who he is and I know that you’re kind and merciful. Please reach one of his family members or someone near him through the pain of this injury. Amen.”

Meanwhile, the Mountain Militia go on high alert. Vicki's friends have found the hideout and have come for her. But I'll fast-forward once again and say their attempts to rescue her fail. Cyrus drags her back under ground and ties her up with duct tape.

Judd emails Chang who basically says get away from Z-Van. He also emails Judd this conversation between Nicky and Leon. I'll only post a small snippet.

Carpathia: I want messiahs.
Leon: Messiahs?
Carpathia: I want saviors in my name.
Leon: Tell me more, Excellency.
Carpathia: Find them—thousands of them. Train them, raise them up, imbue them with the power with which I have blessed you. I want them healing the sick, turning water to blood and blood to water. I want them performing miracles in my name, drawing the undecided, yea, even the enemy away from his god and to me.

Okay, not entirely a stupid plan from Nicky's side: draw people to your team by doing miracles. Certainly makes more sense than Zod's plan which goes something like this:

1. Unleash horrific disaster guaranteed to kill most of the people you're trying to save.
2. ?????

Under those circumstances, I would pick Nicky's side.

Ah heck, the snark's looking skimpy. I'll throw in another chapter.

Z-Van's plane finally lands in Paris and we get a little mention as to how the demonic NWO has changed stuff. Apparently, the Eiffel Tower is gone, but given that from what I've heard, Parisians hate the Eiffel Tower, they're probably happy. Oh and there's a statue
of Nicky on top of the Arc de Triomphe.

Thousands lined the sidewalks in front of the statue. Judd couldn’t believe after all the miracles and signs from God that people were still willing to follow Carpathia. God had given so many chances to believe the truth, but people chose against him.

Ah yes, Ellanjay's gospel, which can essentially be summed up as "He beats me but I know I deserve it and I'm really sorry Mister Lord for making you mad in the first place."

After they land, Z-Van says an eeevil prayer to Nicky and has Westin dragged off. I'll spoil it a little for you: Z-Van's genius plan is to drag Westin onstage at the concert and make him take the Mark. If Westin refuses, he gets the guillotine.

Judd and Lionel are locked in a room on the plane. They managed to escape in a scene that would read as suspenseful if the reader (i.e. Me) wasn't aware of the plot armor they were wearing. They bust out, lose the co-pilot, Gabrielle, and make it to the concert with one backstage pass. Lionel tells Judd to go backstage, saying that he'll try to find transportation for them.

And that's enough for this week.


Firedrake said...

My theology is kind of rusty, but I thought that the only unforgivable sin was denying the Holy Spirit. Does this mean that the Mark is a variant of that? Because it seems to me that, just like the Magic Words, doing something like that ought to require an act of will.

But I'm only an ex-Catholic so by L&J standards I'm double-damned already.

Step 4 of the Zod Plan: Hmm, that didn't work. Better do it again, only with a bigger disaster!

No Eiffel Tower? But how will films show that a hotel room is in Paris now? Truly, these are the Last Days!

Anonymous said...

"I mean, if Nicky has read the prophecies then he knows how it ends, with his ass getting punted into Hell, so why in anyone's name would he follow them to the letter?"

If I had to take a guess, he is sitting there thinking (Cue Mr. Burns) "Excellent. Let them think that it's all going according to plan."

Like the bad guy from Die Hard, Nicky wants Zod to think Nicky is following the plan.

spiritplumber said...

We better get some good heavy metal out of Z-Van if he's been imbued with Teh Debbil.

Hmm. A metalhead called Z Van. How about this guy?