Bonjour, you Cheese-Eating Surrender-Monkeys!

The chapter begins with Judd wandering around with his backstage pass, looking for Westin. While part of me is pleased that the heroes are doing something heroic in trying to save someone, part of me wonders why. Westin's said The Prayer; if anything happens to him, he gets a one-way ticket to Heaven. Shouldn't Judd steal a microphone, go on stage, and preach to the heathens until the GC drag him away?

Also notable about this first section: he overhears the villains committing torture. Not fake torture, like depriving Chloe of food for a few hours, but actual torture. Basically Z-Van keeps shoving Westin's head under water and trying to get him to convert. It's not much by way of torture, if you ask me, but I am desperate for any crumb of suffering here.

Lionel, meanwhile, is walking through the crowd, praying for some kind of help. He gets his answer when he notices a Believer reading the French edition of Buck Williams's "The Truth." Why this believer is dumb enough to print up contraband from a forbidden website and walk out in the open with it is beyond me. But I've accepted that both sides, good and evil, are dumber than dirt. He agrees to help Lionel but says he needs to find his son first. I look forward to finding out this Good Samaritan's name because given Ellanjay's tin ear when it comes to naming characters, it's going to be something unbelievably foreign. In fact, I'm surprised they didn't name a character, Foreign McForeign. That's what I'm going to call this character until he is given a name.

So Judd is trying to rescue Westin. And to my surprise, we get a brief mention of that previous scene where Judd caused a Morale Monitor to be trampled. Granted, it's only a line but I'm surprised just to see it mentioned again. He wonders if he'll have to hurt a guard to get Westin out of Z-Van's clutches. If you're wondering, the answer is no. Westin does all the dirty work, beating up the guard and forcing him to drink something that renders him unconscious, thus leaving Judd morally as white as snow. There is another action scene with more guards coming in, but since all action scenes in these books are boring as hell, I'll just spoil it for you: Judd and Westin slip away.

The second chapter begins with Mark and the others watching Z-Van's concert. Z-Van has set up a guillotine and is calling the RTCs out.

“We have at least one with us tonight who has not taken the mark of our beloved leader. Who, as it turns out, still believes in the tired, lifeless God of the Bible. The God of legends and fairy tales and death and destruction. A God who, if we can believe those stories, wiped out the earth with a flood and then says he loves the world. A God who allows all manner of suffering. A God who demands perfection.”

I know not everyone who reads my blog gets my fan-love for Z-Van, but once again, Strawman Has A Point. To paraphrase aunursa, according to the RTCs, God gave his people the law knowing they couldn't possibly follow it and has spent centuries punting them into Hell for not following the law.

No Z-Van song lyrics for you this time, sorry. But after his song, Z-Van stops flying and unveils a statue of Nicky and demands that people bow before it.

Judd and Westin run. They find Lionel standing by a car and meet up with him. I'm going to assume that this car is Foreign McForeign's ForeignMobile. Because remember, he's foreign. That's all the personality traits he needs.

So Foreign McForeign is speeding away from Z-Van's concert and offers to take them to meet the French community of RTCs. I'm a little surprised that Ellanjay are willing to admit that a bunch of Cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys can become manly RTCs. After all, isn't France invoked as a bogeyman in their literature (i.e. "If we don't do this, we'll soon be all Godless and European, like France.")?

Oh and we finally get Foreign McForeign's real name. Are you ready? drumroll His name is Jacques Madeleine. I knew his name would be so French it might as well be superFrench and Ellanjay didn't disappoint. I'm going to keep calling him Foreign McForeign though, just for funsies.

Mark continues to watch the concert, watching as people accept the Mark and are therefore, damned forever. But an anonymous soul, who shows more guts than the entirety of the Tribbles, comes on stage and preaches to everyone. Naturally the chapter ends with him getting guillotined in front a cheering crowd, but still, give him credit for actually believing in The Great Commission as opposed to the Tribbles who smirk about how they've got it all figured out.

I'm throwing on a third chapter as a treat for y'all. Besides, the snark was looking skimpy.

The chapter begins with a brief interlude from Vicki. Vicki is, for those of you who've forgotten or don't care, trapped in some weird Survivalist underground prison. Somehow she convinces the lady redoing the duct tape not to duct tape her hands behind her back. And she does because a group of paranoid survivalists would care about the comfort of their prisoners and not just give them a bullet between the eyes.

Meanwhile, Judd and Lionel are at Foreign McForeign's house. Foreign McForeign decides to tell us his story.

“In my country, the disappearances did not create as much confusion as it did in the rest of the world. We lost less than one percent of our population. But many of us have been searching for answers for years. Some turn to astrology or strange religions. Others seek answers in psychiatry or use drugs to dull their pain. Many don’t want to think about what happens when we die, so they pour their lives into today, the now.

So in addition to being effete, secular, limp-wristed, and possibly homosexual, the French also hardly have any children. Because in case Ellanjay have forgotten, EVERY KID UNDER TWELVE DISAPPEARED DURING THE RAPTURE TOO! But I guess maybe they figure a bunch of cheese-eating surrender-monkeys don't care about their kids.

But then again, according to this comic, Captain America really hates America . If you're wondering why I posted that link, there's really no reason, just something I post whenever someone brings up the whole French are wusses meme.

Anyway, to sum up Foreign McForeign's story, the Rapture happened, then the Wrath of the Lamb-quake, then he saw The Light.

After Foreign McForeign tells his story, he receives some sad news: apparently the anonymous soul who did what the Tribbles only talk about doing (witnessing to the heathens) was his son, Perryn. Foreign McForeign hasn't fully embraced the RTC ethos of not feeling anything because afterwards, he starts crying. Or maybe that's supposed to be proof that Foreign McForeign is all poofy and French because manly men don't cry.

They turn on the news and hear Leon talking about the use of the guillotine at Z-Van's concert. But we do get a rare show of emotion from one of the characters that isn't French.

“That would have been me,” Westin whispered. “It should have been.” Wails from the next room saddened Judd. There was no denying that evil forces would stop at nothing to kill followers of the true God.

Like I said, why did they rescue Westin again? He and all the RTCs should seize every public moment to win souls to their side by preaching until they're carted away. But that would require actual courage, not alpha male posturing.

I'll sum up Vicki's part of the plot: she tries to escape but fails.

And that's enough for this week.

Judd Thompson: Too Dumb to Live

If the snark seems kind of weak regarding the first chapter, it's because once again, nothing happens in these books. I know I say that a lot but I continue to be awed by the way, despite numerous acts of God and Satan, nothing really happens. It takes a special kind of talent in order to drain inherently interesting events of any excitement.

Judd and Lionel are on Z-Van's plane on their way to Paris. Once again, I ask why the hell do they still trust Z-Van? To recycle a metaphor, it's like we're in a zombie movie and Judd keeps going, "Well, he keeps hungering for brains and trying to bite me. But I'm sure that doesn't mean anything." You can't say Judd's trying to convert him because we've already seen Z-Van take the Mark, which means he's officially damned for all eternity. There are no more chances for Z-Van!

You think I'm exaggerating about Judd's stupidity in trusting Z-Van? Hello and welcome to the blog! Let me provide just a sample of Judd's stupidity.

When a woman Judd didn’t recognize climbed aboard, Z-Van got everyone’s attention. “I want you to meet Gabrielle. She’ll be our backup pilot for Westin, should anything happen to him.” He smiled and Judd felt a chill. Was Z-Van planning something in Paris?

I'm not sure which is more irritating: the fact that the heroes of these novels are dumber than dirt or the fact that the villains are.

Judd talks to Chang, who says that the GC can't identify them because apparently those hats, which he must have gotten at the same place Clark Kent gets his glasses, hid their faces. We do get another mention of the Morale Monitor(MM) that Judd trampled. According to Chang, MM is in the hospital in critical condition. I wonder if that's the extent they'll mention this guy or if he'll be given a name and an obligatory conversion scene.

We get a section from Chang. Not much really happens with him, just him hanging around as the GC are like "Der our bombs didn't work." They wonder why and I headdesk. Aunursa, I know you probably don't read this blog anymore but if you do, can you help me out here? I thought Nicky's shtick was that he knew about the cockamamie prophecies and is slavishly following them because he believes for some reason that he can change the outcome. Granted that makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, if Nicky has read the prophecies then he knows how it ends, with his ass getting punted into Hell, so why in anyone's name would he follow them to the letter? I mean, if you received a prophecy saying that two years from now, you'll be stabbed to death while wearing a striped shirt, wouldn't you do something to stop it, even if it's just banning stripes from your wardrobe?

Chang had listened to conversations at the water cooler and around the office and wondered if any of his coworkers had ever considered God. Now, with the mark of Carpathia on every forehead, he grieved for them. He wasn’t any different than any of these people, except that God had broken through and convinced him of the truth.

God broke through and convinced you of the truth because you're an PC as opposed to all the nameless off-screen damned NPCs. But don't call Chang a heartless sociopath: he clearly feels bad that the God he serves will damn them for all eternity to a place of ever-lasting torment. Not bad enough to try to do anything, but still.

I'm fast-forwarding through much of this chapter because again, not really much to snark. Mark talks and thinks about maybe welcoming Vicki back. Vicki and Tanya work on escaping.

Judd is watching a video of Leon Fortunado giving his version of The Great Commission: Go forth and make disciples of all nations in the name of Satan. He empowers Z-Van and we end the chapter with this bit.

When the video ended, Z-Van stepped in front of the monitor. “You have seen what the Most High Reverend Father of Carpathianism has given me. You saw a little of my power onstage in Jerusalem. Tonight, you will see even greater things. Tonight, in front of hundreds of thousands, we will win the hearts of many, turn them to the true lord, and make a sacrifice to our king.”
Z-Van put out his hands and those seated went rigid. He whispered something, then opened his eyes, red as flame, and let loose an evil laugh.

So now that Z-Van is even more obviously evil, you're probably wondering what Judd will do. And the answer, according to the beginning of the second chapter of this week's snark, is not a damned thing. Word of advice, people, if you're ever in any kind of post-apocalyptic scenario with Judd, be it a zombie attack or something else, just throw Judd to the zombies and/or were-things or whatever and save yourself. In fact, if you find yourself on a deserted island with Judd, just get rid of him, even if there is enough food for the two of you. Because eventually something will happen and he'll doom you somehow. He's worse than Gilligan.

But in Judd's defense, he does pray for the guy he trampled, asking that God reach him somehow.

“God, I admit I don’t know what to pray about that guy,” Judd prayed honestly. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. You know who he is and I know that you’re kind and merciful. Please reach one of his family members or someone near him through the pain of this injury. Amen.”

Meanwhile, the Mountain Militia go on high alert. Vicki's friends have found the hideout and have come for her. But I'll fast-forward once again and say their attempts to rescue her fail. Cyrus drags her back under ground and ties her up with duct tape.

Judd emails Chang who basically says get away from Z-Van. He also emails Judd this conversation between Nicky and Leon. I'll only post a small snippet.

Carpathia: I want messiahs.
Leon: Messiahs?
Carpathia: I want saviors in my name.
Leon: Tell me more, Excellency.
Carpathia: Find them—thousands of them. Train them, raise them up, imbue them with the power with which I have blessed you. I want them healing the sick, turning water to blood and blood to water. I want them performing miracles in my name, drawing the undecided, yea, even the enemy away from his god and to me.

Okay, not entirely a stupid plan from Nicky's side: draw people to your team by doing miracles. Certainly makes more sense than Zod's plan which goes something like this:

1. Unleash horrific disaster guaranteed to kill most of the people you're trying to save.
2. ?????
3. PROFIT!

Under those circumstances, I would pick Nicky's side.

Ah heck, the snark's looking skimpy. I'll throw in another chapter.

Z-Van's plane finally lands in Paris and we get a little mention as to how the demonic NWO has changed stuff. Apparently, the Eiffel Tower is gone, but given that from what I've heard, Parisians hate the Eiffel Tower, they're probably happy. Oh and there's a statue
of Nicky on top of the Arc de Triomphe.

Thousands lined the sidewalks in front of the statue. Judd couldn’t believe after all the miracles and signs from God that people were still willing to follow Carpathia. God had given so many chances to believe the truth, but people chose against him.

Ah yes, Ellanjay's gospel, which can essentially be summed up as "He beats me but I know I deserve it and I'm really sorry Mister Lord for making you mad in the first place."

After they land, Z-Van says an eeevil prayer to Nicky and has Westin dragged off. I'll spoil it a little for you: Z-Van's genius plan is to drag Westin onstage at the concert and make him take the Mark. If Westin refuses, he gets the guillotine.

Judd and Lionel are locked in a room on the plane. They managed to escape in a scene that would read as suspenseful if the reader (i.e. Me) wasn't aware of the plot armor they were wearing. They bust out, lose the co-pilot, Gabrielle, and make it to the concert with one backstage pass. Lionel tells Judd to go backstage, saying that he'll try to find transportation for them.

And that's enough for this week.

Cherry-Pickin'

So for those of you waiting with bated breath, biting your nails wondering whether Lionel's genius plan would work, I'll go ahead and spoil it for you: it does. They do try to inject some suspense by having Judd trip and a Morale Monitor realizes he doesn't have the Mark, but both he and Lionel make it to Sabir's Magical Cab with nary a bruise.

So Judd and Lionel are still like "Oh whatever will we do? How will we get out of Israel?" while Sabir's like "We've gotta pray." But before I tell you the magical coincidence that saves Our Heroes (because the plot parts for Ellanjay's characters like the Red Sea for Israel), I wanna linger on a small part.

Y'see in a struggle with the Morale Monitor, Judd managed to knock him to the ground and last he saw him, the guy was being trampled by panicked mob. I didn't bring it up previously because I thought it, like everything else, would never be mentioned again, but to my surprise, they actually have Judd reflect on it. I know kids, I'm scared too.

Judd glanced at Lionel. “We should pray for that Morale Monitor at the hotel. I might have killed him.”
“I saw what happened,” Lionel said. “You didn’t mean to hurt him.”
“Yeah. So why doesn’t that make me feel any better?”

Now, in a well-written series, this would be delved into a little more. Judd has, through his own actions, killed someone. Yeah, you can argue it was an accident but killing is something that most humans are hardwired against so I think he'd feel some guilt regardless. But something tells me, this will be the last time we hear of an inkling of guilt from Judd.

But anyway, they call Westin and it turns out Westin caused Z-Van's plane to malfunction so it looks like Our Heroes will get out of Israel.

Now, for the fun part where we hear more about Tanya's heretical beliefs.

Tanya frowned. “I don’t understand. My dad says God’s really ticked off at the world for being so bad. That’s why he’s killing everybody during Armageddon.”
“God is angry at the evil in the world,” Vicki said, “but his judgments are to wake us up to the truth. He wants people to give their lives to him and accept his forgiveness. That’s why he sent his Son.”

Raise your hand if you can't see much of a difference between Tanya's and Vicki's beliefs because I sure can't. Both Tanya's and Vicki's god is someone so evil that the Old Testament Jehovah would blanche at. If I had to choose, though, I'd say Tanya's makes more sense. At least it's consistent with God just being flat-out pissed at everyone good and bad. Again, with Vicki's, they keep claiming God is one of love but he's doing his damnedest to kill us all so He can torture us forever.

But anyway, more on the conversation between Tanya and Vicki.

“My dad says Jesus was a great prophet. He was going to set up his kingdom on earth, but when people killed him, God left that job up to us.”
Vicki scratched her head. “Does your dad believe Jesus came back from the dead?”

Okay, starting to see where Tanya's group diverges from RTCianity, but I am still firmly on Team Tanya here. Whereas the RTCs believe it'll all just get worse until TurboJesus comes back and fixes everything for us, it's clear that Tanya believes that we must actually work to help establish Heaven on Earth.

Tanya shrugged. “I guess so. He says we all come back in some form or another. If we’ve done more bad stuff than good, we come back as an animal or some kind of plant. If we’ve done more good than bad, God lets us into heaven or we become angels.”

And here's the part where I go "Huh?" I thought that the Mountain Militia were Christian Survivalists who believed slightly different things about our Invisible Sky Daddy, not Hindus.

Further reading, it appears Ellanjay are doing a Take That once again against those who believe you can be saved through works. But it's been proven many a time not only do Ellanjay Skip Verse Ten they also ignore the entire Book of James whose central thesis is "Faith without Works is dead." You can't pick on someone for cherry-picking verses in the Bible when that's what you do!

Tanya then mentions her mom who heard the all-inspiring word of Darby and Scofield God and disappeared during the Rapture. Vicki, who never fails to exploit emotional wounds, takes her opening and starts talking to her about how God can't tolerate a single sin even though he created us and thus made us sinful creatures to begin with.

Since the chapter doesn't end with Tanya saying the magical Prayer, I'm going to assume she's still one of the Legion of the Damned, despite her desire to tell her father, Cyrus, all the stuff Vicki's telling her.

Next chapter, Vicki decides to try to convert Cyrus's entire crew. Basically she walks him through the entirety of Pastor Vernon Billings's video.

I tried, how I tried to find it, but Fred's Left Behind archives are down, and I can't. The one I was looking for was basically where Fred points out how Ellanjay cherry-pick verses from 1 Corinthians. Here's the verses Vicki points out.

“‘But let me tell you a wonderful secret God has revealed to us,’” Cyrus read. “‘Not all of us will die, but we will all be transformed. It will happen in a moment, in the blinking of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, the Christians who have died will be raised with transformed bodies. And then we who are living will be transformed so that we will never die. For our perishable earthly bodies must be transformed into heavenly bodies that will never die.’
“‘When this happens—when our perishable earthly bodies have been transformed into heavenly bodies that will never die—then at last the Scriptures will come true:’
“‘“Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”
’“‘For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. How we thank God, who gives us victory over sin and death through Jesus Christ our Lord!’ ”

Now that you've read that quote, let me give you a bigass quote where I quote 1 Corinthians chapter 15 in its entirety so you can see the broader context of those verses.

The Resurrection of Christ

15 Now, brothers and sisters, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. 2 By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.

3 For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, 4 that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, 5 and that he appeared to Cephas, and then to the Twelve. 6 After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers and sisters at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep. 7 Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles, 8 and last of all he appeared to me also, as to one abnormally born.

9 For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. 10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 11 Whether, then, it is I or they, this is what we preach, and this is what you believed.

The Resurrection of the Dead

12 But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? 13 If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. 14 And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. 15 More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead. But he did not raise him if in fact the dead are not raised. 16 For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. 17 And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. 18 Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. 19 If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.

20 But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. 21 For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. 22 For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. 23 But each in turn: Christ, the firstfruits; then, when he comes, those who belong to him. 24 Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. 25 For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. 26 The last enemy to be destroyed is death. 27 For he “has put everything under his feet.”[c] Now when it says that “everything” has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ. 28 When he has done this, then the Son himself will be made subject to him who put everything under him, so that God may be all in all.

29 Now if there is no resurrection, what will those do who are baptized for the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, why are people baptized for them? 30 And as for us, why do we endanger ourselves every hour? 31 I face death every day—yes, just as surely as I boast about you in Christ Jesus our Lord. 32 If I fought wild beasts in Ephesus with no more than human hopes, what have I gained? If the dead are not raised,


“Let us eat and drink,
for tomorrow we die.”[d]

33 Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”[e] 34 Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God—I say this to your shame.

The Resurrection Body

35 But someone will ask, “How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?” 36 How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. 37 When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. 38 But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. 39 Not all flesh is the same: People have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. 40 There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. 41 The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

42 So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. 45 So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”[f]; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. 46 The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. 47 The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. 48 As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. 49 And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we[g] bear the image of the heavenly man.

50 I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. 51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

55
“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”[i]

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Forgive me for the bigass quote and forgive me for not saying it as eloquently as Fred, but the broader context of 1 Corinthians 15 should make it clear that Paul wasn't speaking of RTCs being able to magically cheat death by being bamfed into Heaven by God in the last days; he was speaking of Death plain and simple, and he makes it clear it's coming for everyone.

For those of you wondering, I'm ignoring Judd and Lionel for a while. Vicki's a snark goldmine right now.

If you're wondering, Cyrus doesn't immediately take the bait, which makes me fangirl him. I don't love him the way I did Taylor :sniff: :sniff: but anybody who doesn't immediately kowtow to the tribbles is all right by me.

Cyrus put his fork down and looked at the others. “You all know that Beelzebub is at work in the world, and he has his disciples spreading doctrine of demons. I’ve taught you from the beginning that God punishes the wicked. Our job is to do the right thing. And I think the right thing is to keep this little Jezebel locked up where she can’t hurt anyone else.”

Vicki tries harder quoting again from the video, using Ezekiel 33:11. Don't worry, no bigass quotes this time.

“The God we pray to is a jealous God. He’s angry at people for their sin.”
“But don’t you see,” Vicki pleaded. “God hates sin, but he loves people enough to die for them. Remember the parable Jesus told about the son who went away and wasted all his father’s money?”
“The Prodigal Son,” someone behind her said.
“Yes, that’s it. But one of the main points of the story Jesus told was the love of the father for his rebellious son. He waited and waited, and when the boy finally came home, he didn’t punish him. He prepared a great feast and welcomed him. That’s the kind of love God has for every one of us if we’ll accept it.”

Vicki neglects to mention in the Tale of the Prodigal Son that the Dad didn't pitch the rebellious son into Hell if he refused the feast. She also neglects to mention that in the story, the Dad didn't unleash a series of horrific disasters in order to get his son's attention. In short, you fail, Vicki!

Cyrus has Vicki and Tanya hauled off. Tanya says The Prayer, gets the Zod-Mark, and that's where I'll leave you for this week. Sorry again for the bigass quote, but stuff needed to be said, dammit!

Know the Words, but Not the Music

The beginning isn't really worth noting--just Samuel walking around, talking to people as the flames don't hurt them--but we do get evidence that Ellanjay have heard of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

Mr. Stein grabbed Sam’s hands and danced in a circle. “You remember the story of the children of Israel in the fiery furnace?”
“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego,” Sam said.
“Yes. When the king looked into the fire, he saw four men instead of those three. The Lord was walking with them, giving them victory and safety.”

It's clear: Ellanjay know the words but not the music. I know you guys are probably getting tired of me pointing this out, but the tribbles repeatedly bow to Satan while claiming in their hearts, they bow to God. By that logic, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego could have just bowed to the statue of Nebuchadnezzar while claiming in their hearts, they bow to God, and remained free and clear in God's eyes just like the tribbles do.

The RTCs gathered in Petra are dancing and singing praises to Zod. But all is not well. Sam finds a boy with no Zod-mark who keeps scowling. Something tells me either said boy will be eventually given a name or he'll become one of the nameless off-screen damned. Either way, you must weep for the poor kid who, in his brief appearance, shows more clear-headedness and intelligence than all the RTC characters in the entire series.

The boy looked up, eyes wild like an animal’s. “I don’t understand. How can we be burning and still be alive?”
“It is the work of almighty God,” Sam said. “He has protected us.”
The boy stared. “Then why didn’t he protect my little brother and sister during the disappearances? Why didn’t he save my mother from the earthquake? Or my father from the poison gas?”
Sam tried to comfort him, but the boy stood. “I don’t want anything to do with a God like that,” he said angrily.
“Then why did you come here?” Sam said.
“Because I heard there might be answers. I listened to Micah in Masada, but he never talked about this!”
The boy wandered into the flames. Others without the mark cowered and wailed. Even with so much evidence of God’s power, some would simply not believe.

I could also point out that if the boy does surrender his identity to the collective and believes, he'll have to accept that his mom and dad are burning in Hell. I know y'all get tired of me bringing stuff like that up, but it needs to be said.

Token Jew then preaches but I'm afraid I can't find anything snarkable.

Last we left Our Brave Heroine, Vicki was captured by the Mountain Militia. Not much happens in her brief little section, just Vicki going "You can't keep me here!" and Tanya saying that their father won't let them leave the underground hidey-hole until Armageddon, which is three years away.

The chapter ends with the tribbles receiving news of this latest miracle and being surprised even though their own prophecy predicted exactly what would happen and you'd think they'd have it memorized by now and not be shocked. But anyway, I'll tell you what happens: water gushes like a geyser out of the Earth, extinguishing the flames. So onto the next chapter.

Chapter two, we finally meet Tanya's father, Cyrus Spivey, and we actually get some description as to what he looks like.

VICKI had wondered what Tanya’s father looked like. She pictured the man as tall with a commanding personality, someone others would follow into a hole in the ground and stay for three years. But this man wasn’t anything like that. He was short and round, with a squarish face and long sideburns. He wore a one-piece outfit that zipped up the front. Vicki gripped his pudgy fingers as he greeted her.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm totes picturing a redneck here.

Next section, is the American Branch reacting to the miracle. We do get some hint of potential drama as Mark threatens to kick Vicki out since she won't follow the rules. But I have a feeling he'll remember that Vicki's a main character and change his ways so it'll all come to nothing just like everything else in this series.

Judd and Lionel are still trapped at the hotel room, waiting for ex-Muslim, I mean Sabir to show up in his magical taxi cab and save them. Why did I call it "the magical taxi cab." Because somehow they believe once they get to the cab, they can totally get passed any kind of security checkpoint. The sad part is they're probably right given that the GC couldn't find their dick with two hands and a map.

Judd also receives a phone call from Chang telling them about the miracle in Petra and asking that they pray for believers in Greece. I'm going to assume that "the believers in Greece" line is another call back to the adult books, but I fail to see why I should care. I know nothing about the believers in Greece and therefore, have no stake in this. A good book stands on its own; you shouldn't have to read a bunch of auxiliary materials to understand what the hell is going on.

But horrors of horrors, the GC aren't completely stupid.

Judd punched in the call and heard Sabir’s voice. “I am at the front of the hotel. There are people lined up along the street to take the mark of Carpathia.”
“It would be suicide to come out the front,” Judd said. “There have to be side exits in a building this big.” “There are Peacekeepers and Morale Monitors at each exit.”
“Fire escape?” Judd said.
“Also guarded.”
Judd looked at Lionel. “We’re trapped. If we go out any exit, they’ll stop us.”
“Then we must pray,” Sabir said.

This would be suspenseful that is if we couldn't see a giant Deus ex Machina headed towards us off the port-valve because only Butt Monkeys like Hattie and Ryan suffer long-term consequences.

Meanwhile, Vicki walks around the Mountain Militia (MM) hideout. But horrors of horrors, Cyrus believes slightly different things about prophecy laid down by Scofield and Darby God!

“Petra’s been attacked?” Vicki said.
“It’s been wiped out along with everyone in it. The timetable is coming true. Armageddon can’t be more than a week or two away. A month tops.”
“But Dr. Ben-Judah said Petra was the place of refuge. Are you sure?”
Cyrus nodded. “God’s going to set up his kingdom with the faithful, and we’re going to be part of the 144,000. You’ll stay here until that comes true. If you want to become one of us, that’s fine. It’s your choice.”
Vicki’s mind reeled. If Petra had been bombed and the Jews and Judah-ites killed, Tsion was wrong.

So yeah, once again this Take That rings hollow seeing as the tribbles' beliefs have as much Biblical basis as Cyrus's.

Vicki tries to win some converts to the kingdom.

Vicki stood, but instead of following Tanya, she turned to the group’s leader. “I came here to help your daughter with food for her body as well as her soul. I believe you’re wrong about God and the timing of everything. In fact, I know you are. I’d like to tell you about him, and I’d like to see you get supplies. We’re not even close to Armageddon. It’s more than three years away. And I promise you, whether you believe what I’m going to tell you or not, I won’t tell the GC about this place. But you can’t keep me here. I have to get back to my friends and the others who are depending on me.”

And I know that I'm doing a lot of quotes in this post, but I've gotta share Cyrus's response.

Cyrus’s face flushed. “Are you finished?” Vicki nodded and he motioned at Tanya to take Vicki away. “In the Old Testament they stoned children for talking back to their parents. You’re not our child, but you’re under our roof now. We’ll decide what’s to be done.”

But this will probably like everything else, come to nothing.

But before we wrap up for this week, let's find out how Judd and Lionel escape. Is it stupid? You better believe it is.

Apparently though they prayed for God to save them, credit goes to Lionel who actually came up with the plan. His genius plan? Light a rolled-up newspaper and hold it to one of the sprinklers. When the sprinklers start and the alarm is triggered, escape during the commotion. The chapter ends on a cliffhanger so you'll have to wait until next week to discover if it works.

So Much Padding

Even though I don't love Leon Fortunado the way I do Z-Van, I understand why so many do. He's really too laughable to be taken seriously as the second Big Bad in this series, so I can see why so many snarkers have a bizarre affection for him. Why am I bringing this up? Because the chapter begins with Judd watching his speech on television. Again lesser books like The Hunger Games and Harry Potter have the protagonists actually doing stuff to try to defeat the Big Bad; LB readers have to settle for Exciting!TV!Watching!Action.

A massive choir, dressed in their finest robes, stood behind Fortunato as he stepped into the pulpit. Leon looked even stranger than usual, now wearing a flat-topped hat. His outfit seemed to try to incorporate sacred symbols from every religion.

Wait...I thought Nicky had now instituted worship of himself...what's with this every symbol from every religion? That sounds like the EBOWF.

Leon's speech is basically "Your grace period has ended; now everyone has to get the Mark or die." Oh and everyone has to bow three times a day to Nicky. I bet the tribbles are going to do the usual cop-out by bowing to Nicky but claiming that in their hearts, they bow to Zod. Again, you gotta wonder what Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego would have thought of such logic.

But Leon's broadcast is interrupted by an angel who quotes scripture. The angel basically says "You take the Mark; you go to Hell" and you gotta wonder why it doesn't just say so in plain English rather than using all the scripture. And once again we get proof that Zod is capable of witnessing to His people in a way that doesn't involve killing them horribly but chooses not to most of the time because he's a colossal dick.

I've fast-forwarded through much of this chapter. I know I should apologize but it's basically just the characters reacting to the angel appearing on television. Again, the padding for this series is terrible and I find myself wondering do all Christian Fiction writers have such a lack of care for their craft? Because as anyone will tell you, Christian Fiction is just about universally terrible. Oh and don't bring up Tolkien or C.S. Lewis as counter-examples. For all the problematic aspects in their works, they both show much more love of the craft than anyone working today. Besides I'd rather hear about examples that are still working and writing today than people who died in the sixties.

Vicki goes out in search of Tanya's underground base.

The chapter ends with Token Jew showing up in Petra and the sky massing with fighter planes. But since we know nothing can happen to Our Brave Heroes before the three and a half years are up, I have a feeling we're in for more padding as Zod smites the GC. Woo....

Vicki is still creeping around through the woods, trying to find Tanya. As you probably guessed, she gets captured by a member of the Mountain Militia and is taken away. Now that I've gotten the Vicki part out of the way, let's get on with the rest of the chapter which is mostly characters reacting and praying.

The GC are making a sweep of the hotel rooms and given that's where Lionel and Judd are currently, that presents a problem. Lionel gives Judd two baseball caps which they put on their heads, rationalizing that it would hide their foreheads so no one could see that they didn't have the Mark. Yeah, because a Satanic NWO is just going to take them at their word that they have the Mark. Then again, knowing how utterly the GC suck at being villains, this ruse would probably work. If you're wondering how they escape the GC dragnet, here's how:

Judd opened Westin’s suitcase and threw some clothes around the room. The bed rested on a huge, square platform so they couldn’t hide under it. Lionel agreed the closet was a last resort. In the tiny kitchen was an empty space underneath the counter. “Scrunch up in there beside the little refrigerator,” Judd said.
Lionel did. Judd walked from the door to the bedroom and noticed Lionel’s shoes sticking out.

They further camouflage themselves by setting up an ironing board with some clothes on it. And it totally fools the GC. Sweet Zod, the GC are morons! Every time I think they couldn't be stupider, they have to go and top themselves!

All Sam and Chang do is pray and because of the skimpiness of this snark, I'll throw in a third chapter.

As Judd and Lionel hid in the first chapter, the phone rang. The GC pick up the phone. Westin is one the other line and now the GC know to look for Judd and Lionel. They speed off. After they leave, Judd receives a phone call from Westin. Apparently Z-Van is going to Paris, not the states, and is demanding Westin fly him there. Why Westin is still alive and well remains a mystery. After all, Z-Van has taken the Mark. He is a hardened member of the Legion of the Damned. Why would he decide to show mercy to Westin who refuses to give in and get Marked? Westin should be getting guillotined.

Judd tells Westin he'll find another way back to the states. His part in this chapter ends with Judd deciding to call a cab driver. Probably the same one who got him to Jerusalem in the first place.

So the bombs hit Petra. Admittedly at first I was a little excited that something was actually happening, but that quickly dissipates as the bombs harm no one and the chapter ends with this:

Flames shot high above him. This was a lake of fire the likes of which the world had never seen.
Suddenly, a few yards ahead, Sam saw a robed man stepping over burning bodies. White, yellow, red, and orange flames burst from his beard, his hair, and his robe. The man’s face was on fire, but instead of his skin melting and being consumed, he kept walking, as if he were walking underwater wearing weighted boots.
Mr. Stein! Sam thought. Maybe this is what we must go through just before we reach heaven!
But it was not heaven. They were still in Petra.
“Samuel!” Mr. Stein called, using Sam’s full name. As he came closer, the man smiled.
“What happened?” Sam yelled over the noise of the deadly blaze.
“Deliverance,” Mr. Stein shouted. “The Lord has seen fit to deliver us, not by stopping the flames, but by walking through them with us!”

I'll admit the writing isn't too bad in this section. The description of the flames works but all this is affected by the fact that the YTF hadn't suffered in the slightest. They haven't been tortured, scarred,or starved. The only member of the YTF whose suffered long-term consequences is Ryan. This section could work great if they actually had suffered and were now wondering what was next, but like I said, they haven't. That's why the Revelation of John has served to comfort so many; the Christians of John's time had actually suffered for their beliefs (and I don't mean, having a cashier wish them "Happy Holidays" suffering) so it would be comforting to them to believe that this would all pay off, that Jesus would triumph o'er every foe. Again, all the great Christian martyrs are shaking their heads in dismay at the characters of this book.