The Ugly Americans in Israel

Oh geez, sorry, sorry, sorry for it being so long since the last post. By now y'all are probably searching through obituaries wondering if I died in some freak gardening/vomit-choking/spontaneous combustion accident. We'll I'm afraid nothing like that. I'm afraid all that happened was a whole mess'o'shit regarding school hit the fan combined with general laziness and a tendency towards clinical depression and that explains why I'm so late with the post.

I guess you've all been wondering what's been happening in the LB:TK universe. Well the truth is nothing. Nothing ever happens in these books. Even the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything occasionally did something. Basically right now all that happens is Mr. Stein talks about stuff that would have been interesting to see first-hand but boring to read someone talking about. Y'know I wonder what my Creative Writing instructor would think if I showed her these books and told her that these were best-selling books.

I'll make it short. Our Buck and Token Jew escaped thanks in part to the help of Mr. Stein and others. Also, Chloe was separated from Our Buck and I have a feeling that nobody will be the least bit concerned about a pregnant woman trapped in the middle of a riot. Anyway, Mr. Stein is captured and is tortured by his captors and yes, he is shocked, shocked! that the evil one-world government bent on wiping out RTCs, would torture an RTC in hopes that he'd reveal something that would lead them to the leader of this renegade sect. After that, he feels pretty lousy until he hears a voice in his head singing the Doxology (how I hate that such a nice bit of poetry is associated with this drivel) and goes into such a deep sleep, his captors think he's dead. Mr. Stein wakes up in the morgue and is smuggled to a funeral home and is smuggled out of said home to a safe house. And let me just say my summary of events is a hell of a lot more interesting than the way Ellanjay tells it. :sigh: Now back to the Girly Girls.

As you probably guessed, nothing is happening. Melinda apologizes for running off and causing a lot of trouble. Apparently now she's opposed to the GC but she's still not an RTC, so yeah...they probably regard her as a damned infidel like Taylor even though Taylor is a hell of a lot more awesome than all of the Tribbles combined. All that happens after that: they discuss the email received from a GC address and write back asking to know more about the sender's intentions. Now back to the dudes.

Samuel calls and tells them that the GC are pissed and looking for Token Jew everywhere and monitoring all the airports so the YTF and the Tribbles aren't going anywhere. Mr. Stein does have money but he stashed it at the university. Then suddenly they have a lightbulb moment and decide to call Hasina aka the second half of the Power Couple of Awesomeness. I could get into a long rant about how the YTF are such assholes speaking disdainfully of Taylor and Hasina's beliefs until they get into a bind and decide to run to Taylor and Hasina for help but then again, this is kind of par the course for the Tribbles. Next chapter.

Vicki receives another email from the GC written by someone claiming to be Carl aka that guy John saved on that ship. He wants to meet the YTF and in a rare show of intelligence, the YTF considers the possibility that this might be a trap and responds cautiously. But I'm going to put on my bookie eyeshade and bet that it isn't because everyone knows bad things happen to NPCs or to bad people who deserve it, not to good RTCs like the YTF. Again, readers might give up hope if they found out that persecution involves more than just receiving a glare from an overworked cashier after you criticized him/her for not saying, "Merry Christmas," after ringing you up.

Back to Israel. Nada is gone and Jamal is pissed. Basically Nada, in the previous chapter, had decided to go and retrieve Mr. Stein's money, reasoning that she'd attract less attention than some American tourists. But Jamal is pissed about his daughter putting herself in danger and we find out why. Basically the whole family accepted that TurboJesus was the way, the truth, and the light, but there was a holdout: Nada's older brother, Kasim. He believed in Carpathia and became a GC guard. But that didn't stop Nada from going to him on duty and preaching about Zod. Naturally Nada didn't face any consequences because the GC is absolutely helpless in the face of a teenage girl and couldn't dream of doing something like imprisoning her and torturing her so she'd name names. But anyway, Kasim ended up being squished in the Wrath of the Lamb earthquake and like every good RTC, no one in his family is like, "My son/brother is in hell for all eternity. The kid who I walked to kindergarten and taught to tie his shoes is being tortured for all eternity because a building fell on him before he could convert." I know I keep reitterating this point over and over again and everyone, including me, is probably tired of it, but it needs to be said, dammit!

The Manly Men decide to go after Nada to make sure she's okay. They draw straws and Lionel gets the short one, so he goes to help Nada. Back at the school. Conrad decides to check out the fancy box he found a couple of chapters ago. The YTF wonder if it's the safe that Z was talking about. I nearly suffer a concusion when I bang my head against the computer after falling into a boredom-induced coma.

Back to Israel. Lionel puts on a long robe and turban to disquise myself. I grit my teeth as Lionel thinks about how goofy he looks and wonder if Ellanjay assumes robe+turban=Muslim or if they are aware that such attire is more fitting for a Sikh. Nothing like Ellanjay's cultural insensitivity to raise your blood pressure a few degrees. Lionel searches the campus using Mr. Stein's tips but well, the chapter ends with the alarm going off and the possibility that we might actually have something interesting happen in the next chapter. Though I wouldn't bet the farm on it.