Sunday, August 28, 2011


Just thought I'd warn the easily offended I might get sweary again. Again, if you are easily offended, first of all, what are you doing reading my blog, and second of all, just scroll down past the sweary parts.

Our first chapter begins with a headdesk-worthy moment to top all headdesk-worthy moments.

So as you recall from the previous snark, the NWO have Judd, along with the documents that were in the safe that he was after, and they don't lay a fucking hand on him despite his long history of making traitorous statements against the NWO. This is making Chloe's torture look like Abu Ghraib. Basically all they do is threaten to send him off for reeducation, rather than torturing the living hell out of him to try to force him to name others or executing him or both. These NWO goons make the Psychlos from Battlefield Earth seem competent in comparison. Hell, even a villain from Power Rangers could make better use of this situation.

Lionel meanwhile is still in the child soldier camp and Vicki, the dumb broad, decides to reprint the Underground. No, mommy, no! Make the bad men stop with that overplayed plot device! But she gets caught by the eeevil Principal Jenness.

The next section begins promisingly.

For a whole week the Global Community tried to uncover more information from Judd, but he kept silent.

We would expect to hear about all the various tortures he endured, but of course, there's no details that follow and we are forced to conclude that the GC just asked him nicely. I see it going like this.

GC Goon: C'mon tell us already...
Judd: No.
GC Goon: I'll be your friend
Judd: No.
GC Goon: Aw...You're mean.

But we see Taylor Graham again. Unlike Judd he looks beaten up. They talk a little about how they wish they had the secret documents and how they can't clear Mrs. Stahley's name without them as though the NWO, when presented with said evidence, would just throw up their hands and say, "Okay you can go free," as opposed to say, inventing new charges against her or something like that. Basically now they're going to a Level Five Facility which is the Maximum level so maybe, just maybe, we'll see our protag actually suffer but I wouldn't bet the farm on that one.

So both Vicki and Judd are in the process of being transported, Ryan is at home being looked after by Zod-Only-Knows-Who because Judd's in prison, Vicki's being transported, and Lionel's in the child soldier training camp, so obviously no one's looking after him, when the quake hits. [starts to jump in her seat] Yes! Yes! Finally something exciting happens! But something tells me Ellanjay will screw this up somehow.

Second Chapter, the eeevil Mrs. Jenness is freaking out like any sane person would as the quake hits and the bridge collapses. Our Compassionate Heroine, seeing a chance to escape, considers leaving her but decides not to. This is supposed to be a sign of her virtue, but apparently we're supposed to throw a parade every time the characters act compassionate.

Meanwhile Judd and Taylor are thrown from the van into a ditch. Lionel saves Conrad from a collapsing porch. Ryan is trapped as the house collapses around him and Chaya, whom I'm sure you've all forgotten about, was at her old house getting a keepsake of her mother's, trying to talk to her father about Jesus when the quake hits and she is pinned under debris. Darrion meanwhile, hides in the basement of a congregation member's.

This Earthquake sequence actually isn't that bad because stuff is actually happening, even if it is a little tedious to have to read the same exact event from every single protagonist in the story.

I thought about adding a third chapter, but I think I've done enough for this week. Hmm...That was less sweary than I thought. Maybe I shouldn't make promises I can't deliver on.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Perverting the Prophets

I've started studying the prophets; between them and Fred's post called Downpresser Man, I can't help but notice that Ellanjay perverts traditional verses about the end of days. The prophets continually speak of a day in which the wicked shall be punished, the messiah will come, and there would be peace and justice at last, verses which have traditionally been a source of comfort, a reminder of no matter how cruel or unjust the ruler, their fall will come. Ellanjay on the other hand, is on the side of the Downpresser Man and therefore the end is a terrifying thought to them, because it means they will be destroyed and not worshipped anymore.

Okay, enough preaching, now to the books.

Ryan escapes from GC security with the help of Our Buck and they discuss his upcoming story.

"I'm taking Bruce's message and turning it into a cover story," Buck said. "I've assigned reporters from offices in several countries to interview different religious leaders. I'll include their answers in my article."
"What are the questions?" Darrion asked.
"Just one," Buck said. "Will we suffer the 'wrath of the lamb'?"

Buck's idea of interviewing different religious leaders would be a good idea if he was talking about say, how different religions view Jesus, but this is completely different. Buck knows this earthquake is going to happen just like he knows the real cause of the disappearances. Yet rather than using his journalism status as a bully pulpit, he's keeping this knowledge to himself. This would be like if there was a church arson and he knew not only the names of the perpetrators but their social security numbers, location, and brand of gasoline they used, but still chose to keep it from the cops and talk instead about other causes of fires like oil-soaked rags.

Meanwhile Lionel is in a dark van when he notices two boys in there with him. And that's all that happens on his end. Judd meanwhile leads a boy named Pavel to Zod.

Lionel and the boys decide to make a break for it while the men are busy. Lionel manages to get to some bushes and hears gunshots and that's the end of the first chapter.

Next chapter, Lionel and the boys are escaping through the swamp. They make it out to a general store where they share a drink. When the van shows up again, the other boys make a run for it, but Lionel, the idiot, just stands there.

If you're wondering what the TF and YTF are doing right now, they're mostly hanging out in the Hole-in-the-Ground, which is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Again, at least with paint-drying you can get high off the fumes.

Turns out Lionel and one of the boys, Jake, were captured and now they're at a GC training center where they'll be turned into child soldiers.

End of chapter: Judd finally decides to risk leaving the hangar and Ryan comes to rescue him. Only someone as monumentally untalented as Ellanjay could make the apocalypse seem so boring.

I've decided to throw a third chapter in. Basically Lionel talks with this guy named Conrad who is Taylor Graham's little brother and Judd finally gets the safe open, but fails to escape the GC dragnet.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Vicki is a Vulture

It's times like these I wonder why, oh, why did I commit myself to this project. But I did agree to do this as long as people would read it, so here goes.

There's a bunch of cloak and dagger stuff here, the usual stuff about secret combinations and such that shouldn't apply in a no-child post-apocalyptic world which I will mostly ignore because it's so goddanged boring. It's like reading a Hardy Boys mystery except that even the Hardy Boys occasionally did stuff; it was rare but it happened. Just know that Judd is still with the pilot and even though this is an eeevil NWO EBOWF world, Vicki and the others face no serious consequences for blabbing about Jesus at every available opportunity.

Anyway, Lionel is traveling with the friend (Nathan) when a man walks up, gives him a wad of cash, and suddenly starts calling Nathan "Chuck", and ends up being taken by a man named Tom. Something tells me that all though in the real world, this wouldn't end well for a teenage boy, in Ellanjayland, he'll escape just fine. Remember Ryan is the Butt Monkey of this series.

Meanwhile, Vicki, who for some reason is still in school even though the world has about five years or less left so there really shouldn't be any reason for her to attend school because there isn't going to be a goddanged future, is forced to, along with her friend, Shelly, attend an eeevil NWO assembly. Here's a part that not only made me headdesk, but is forcing me to swear like a sailor. I'm frankly not bothered by profanity--I've heard the full spectrum of every variation on every word--but for those who are, you might want to scroll down a bit because I'm about to get sweary.

The speaker began by asking how many people had lost family members and friends in the last two years. Every hand went up.


Oh and here are the words of an eeevil atheist. Look upon them and despair!

"You have the power within yourself to overcome anything," the woman said. "No matter how bad your situation, if you learn to trust yourself and your feelings, you can become the person the Global Community needs."

So it's the eevil atheists that leave people to their own devices. Funny, because in the real world, the RTCs usually say, "God helps those who help themselves" and leave you to hang. BTW, if you knew that phrase wasn't in the Bible, help yourself to bonus points. Even more points if you know who actually said it.

"I can tell you loved your brother very much," the woman said to the freshman at the front of the room. "And I can tell you where he is right now. You have him right in your heart. You have to keep your brother alive. And you have to trust yourself to do that."
Vicki rolled her eyes. She was up next.

And the message our compassionate RTC Vicki is going to deliver is that the freshman's brother is in hell being slowly burned alive at the hand of this compassionate Zod she serves. Our heroine, boys and girls.

So Vicki speaks up.

"Yes," Vicki said. "If you knew for sure where a person was after they had died, wouldn't that be the best hope of all?"

Because of course, the way to comfort someone who has lost a close friend and/or family member is to tell them said family member is suffering without end all because they wouldn't or couldn't kneel before Zod then try to chalk up another for Zod on your fuselage. That's the Christianly thing to do.

But of course, the eeevil atheists are shocked by Vicki's question and ignore her until they are forced to address her.

"All right," the woman said, trying to regain control. "If a person knew what happened after a loved one had died, in a psychological sense that would give him or her hope. But we have to deal with reality here. And the reality is, we can't know what's beyond this life until we've gone there."

Vicki in response to this is like "WRONG!" and when her classmates are like "Who died and made you God?" she goes into the "There is none righteous" spiel. The eevil Mrs Jenness tells her to sit down and surprisingly she does even though getting expelled would allow her to chalk up more martyr points on her fuselage, but I guess only manly men like Judd get that priviledge.

Anyway, the chapter ends with Lionel heading towards Memphis and Ryan being grabbed by Global Community security. Damn kid's getting to be as bad as Mokuba Kaiba when it comes to being kidnapped. I thought about doing a second chapter but this post turned out to be longer than I thought so you'll have to put up with just one chapter.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

A Three-Piece Snark or Oh God I'm so Bored

So there's really not much happening. The Stahleys return again and start making plans, Taylor Graham still has Judd and I'm bored to death. YAWN. MEGO

Vicki and Chaya go to the funeral of Chaya's mother and I'm surprised Chaya manages to avoid grabbing the mike and a preaching a sermon to these heathen Jews that are her relatives. She shows admirable restraint given that she's a character in an Ellanjay novel. I'm still shocked that they didn't have her relatives say, "You want that your mother should roll over in her grave," given their stereotypical view of Jews. Anyway, she reads a little scripture from Paul and that's the extent of her preaching.

Anyway next chapter, they discuss grief and it'd be nice if they showed grief instead of just talking about it. Oh and they have a brief conversation about Verna. Apparently she attended Bruce's funeral and when asked about what St. Rayford preached, she said this:

"She said it was strange, all those predictions coming true," Chloe said. "When I asked her what it would take to convince her about God, she said an earthquake would be pretty hard to argue with."

Actually an earthquake would be fairly easy to argue with. An eeevil atheist like Verna would just chalk it up to plate techtonics when RTCs know that plate techtonics is just a theory and earthquakes are really caused by Zod.

What happens next is a gunman shows up in Ryan and Lionel's room and you wouldn't think a gunman threatening to shoot some kids would be so boring but it really, really is. I'm starting to regret I posted Nostalgia Critic's Boring Song on a previous post and can't use it now.

Next Judd manages to find a supersecret panel in the garage which leads to a safe. It would all be so interesting if I gave a shit.

Chapter 26, we finally find out what the eeevil Mrs. Jenness has planned for Lionel. Is it the rack? Mere child's play. The Iron Maiden? Pfff...that pales in comparison to the true horror she has planned out for him: she's found a friend of his mother's willing to take him in. DUN-DUN-DUN!

Y'see being an eeevil atheist she has the gall to be concerned that Lionel is living with little to no supervision than that of Judd and Vicki so she actually tracked down one of his mother's friends from down south who actually seems like a nice guy who would make a good father to Lionel. But Lionel isn't pleased.

They also start discussing the whole Mark of the Beast thing. And taking what little cash they have left and converting it to gold though I really don't see what good that will do. Once the economic system has collapsed, gold will pretty much be as worthless as any other form of currency. What they should be doing is stockpiling bottled water and canned goods.

Well, I'm in a hurry to wrap up this son-of-a-gun so let's go. Mrs. Stahley is arrested by the NWO for the murder of her husband and Lionel goes with his mother's friend. And that's it for this week.