Sunday, December 19, 2010

Our Heroes

Well we're on the last two chapters of the first four books of Left Behind: the Kids. Fear not, I already have the collection with the next four books at the ready. I'll be able to continue to provide the highest quality snark for you.

Anyway, Vicki still doesn't believe that Nicholae Carpathia is the anti-Christ because she's a woman with girl parts. Okay, so Ellanjay doesn't say that; instead they say its because he's so smooth and charming, clearly an informed attribute because we never see him demonstrate any of those qualities. BTW, why was Vicki calling Judd on the telephone when they live in the same house? I guess chalk it up to Ellanjay's hard-on for telephones again. Oh and there's some debate about names and titles with Bruce and they settle on Kids Tribulation Force which is supposed to be better than Junior Tribulation Force how? Anyway, that's the sum of that chapter, so on with the next one.

So apparently Bruce has everyone tell their story and rather than talk about the family members they lost, these self-centered idiots only want to talk about themselves and where they were on their faith journey.

I suppose we should be grateful Ellanjay opts to summarize so we don't have to hear every dot and tittle of Judd's story again. But we do get this:

And yet Judd loved to get to the grace part. He never grew tired of telling the wonderful news that he had been given a second chance. God's grace extended to him despite his rebillion and failure the first time around. He realized he ahd been more than fortunate. He could easily have been killed in an accident during the Rapture, as so many others had.


And all those people killed in an accident during the rapture are now in Hell, being slowly roasted alive thanks to the disaster that God caused. Such a ringing endorsement of his mercy and grace. :eyeroll:

Then Beth Murray, the lawyer Bruce hired to help Talia, decides to tell her story. Atheist and agnostic readers in the audience, have your blood pressure medicine at the ready, because there is so much wrong to deal with.

Her story was a new one to Judd. She said she had been an atheist, "but in actuality, describing myself as an agnostic would have been more precise. I worshippped at the altar of education, achievement, and materialism."


[long scream]

Sorry about that had to do a little primal therapy before I could tackle this passage.

You must remember that all other beliefs, except for Christianity, are disingenuous in Ellanjay land. Atheist, Agnostics, or Muslims and Hindus or any other practitioners of any other belief systems, do not genuinely have different ideas about God or the nature of the universe: their religion is about sticking their fingers in their ears and going "La-la can't hear you..." This is because Ellanjay is incapable of grasping the simple fact that someone can be passionately and sincerely wrong.

Next we meet Buck Williams the ruggedly handsome thirtyish reporter. And before y'all get onto me about referring to him as ruggedly handsome and thirtyish, I only did because that's how the book refers to him. Even in the Kids series, everyone bows to the greatness that is Buck and Rayford.

Anyway Bruce begins talking about vial judgements and bowls of wrath in his ongoing effort to shoot what little suspense the book had in the back. Major case of what editors would call MEGO (My Eyes Glaze Over) but it's clear this book was never touched by editors. My personal opinion is that all this stuff about the suffering and chaos of the Tribulation probably wouldn't shock someone living in say, the Congo, or Afghanistan where chaos and suffering is pretty much their daily life. About the only thing that would change for them is that there's no children so the rebel groups will be even more at war with each other. Other than that, it'd be pretty much the same.

Anyway, Buck introduces himself:

"First," Mr. Williams said, "I go by Buck. Calling me Mr. Williams makes me feel too old, and calling me Cameron makes me think you're making fun of me the way kids did in grade school years ago."


Now this is an interesting bit of past information we get from Buck: apparently he was made fun of in school. Now let's have a little fun and speculate on what he was made fun of for. My guess is for being a loser-virgin-cowardly-reporter-who-never-actually-does-any-reporting.

Anyway Buck lists all the checkmarks of the anti-Christ: seven-year-peace treaty, one world religion, peace and love, and he enjoys buttered scones with tea. Oh, wait, sorry about the last part. I must have gotten bored.

Anyway, Bruce tells about the meeting between him and Nicholae and all of Nicholae's hangers-on that we witnessed in the adult books. It goes pretty much the same way as the adult books with all the same problems. Like why didn't Buck try to stop Carpathia from shooting these men. Again with the others, you can say they were under his mind-whammy but Buck wasn't. The only answer I can come up with was because Buck was more concerned with saving his own skin than with the lives of others. Our Hero, boys and girls.

Anyway, now that Buck's done with his story and they all have concrete proof of who the anti-Christ is, and they've agreed to keep it secret so as to let the rest of their congregation suffer horribly under an oppressive dictator, they pray and that's the end of the book.

I'll see you all next week when we start with Left Behind: the Kids #5.

6 comments:

Firedrake said...

I telephone round the house to my other half. Mind you I did build this VoIP telephone network and I'm still unreasonably proud of it.

"He never grew tired of telling"... that's a very "me" sort of statement. Sounds as though the authors are much more focused on the telling than on the hearing.

No children under twelve means the rebel groups would lose a significant chunk of their soldiery.

When you're meeting strangers, you can say "hi, this is my name". Or you can say "hi, this is my name, and I make a real point about it". One of these things makes you sound like an asshole.

You? Got bored? Say it ain't so!

Ruby said...

"I worshipped at the altar of education..." Yeah, education sucks! What did education ever get anyone???

Because of course, atheists worship things, like schools and money. Because the idea of someone who doesn't worship anything is just unthinkable...

Also...Buck was made fun of because of being named Cameron? Cameron doesn't really strike me as a very make-funnable name. Surely, insisting that others call you Buck would be far more mockable. If anyone were to be mocked for a name, I would bet on Judd, myself--it just doesn't seem like the typical name for a rich preppy boy from the Chicago suburbs.

Evil Paul said...

_sigh_ Buck is sounding like one of those lame grown ups who thinks he can reach the younger generation by giving himself a cool nickname.

"worshipped at the alter of education and..." Okay seriously, L&J cannot see past their own world and their own experiences. Atheists don't worship. Period. Considering something like education to be important and dedicating yourself to it is not the same thing as worshipping it!

Rubyfruit said...

It's like...it's like everything wrong with the version for adults is magnified and multiplied in the kids' version.

You're doing a great service. Seriously. ...Because I'm ready to go into profane capslock just from the excerpts.

Anonymous said...

With the conversion story, I'm oddly reminded of what Fred had to say on Christine O'Donnell's talk of dabbling in witchcraft and other religions; that it's the sort of thing that people like them say to others in their own groups, as a sort of stock story. They didn't really consider Hare Krishna, they just say it to earn some sort of bizarre street cred. With the people who are terrified of the street.

Apocalypse Review said...

"I worshippped at the altar of education, achievement, and materialism"

GAH THE ANTI-INTELLECTUALISM IT BUUUUUUUURNS.

H8 U NAO, JENKINS.

Buck doesn't like being called Cameron? Tell that to Chaim Rosenzweig, then.