I know, kids. I'm scared too.

[Krusty the Clown] Hey Hey! [/Krusty the Clown]

Before we begin, I like to get the bad news out of the way, because that's the kind of person I am. Giving bad news is like ripping off a bandaid: twere well it were done quickly. Anyway, here's the bad news: Tomorrow I will be on Residency until Thursday of the following week so there will be no new posts for a bit. This one will have to tide you over. If you get bored, you can write fanfiction where the YTF actually does stuff or (and this is my preference) more about the adventures of Taylor and Hasina as they travel the world doing battle with the forces of the GC and Zod.

So Samuel doesn't call the next day and naturally Judd suspects something's up. In well-written, well thought-out post-apocalyptic YA fiction, it wouldn't be too unusual not to hear from someone for a while and to spend hours wondering if they're okay because all these disasters would have reduced the infrastructure to shreds, but since this is Ellanjay...Yeah, I don't need to say any more, do I?

Lionel and Judd discuss whether they should look for them, wondering if it's a trap, when Nada volunteers to go searching for him. Judd's all "Your dad won't go for this," but Nada's like "We don't have to tell him," and while I know the band of plucky young kids disobeying their elders is a standard trope in YA lit, I'm rather surprised it shows up here. Aren't RTCs always getting in a snit about how Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the Harry Potter series are always disobeying the rules, but are rarely if ever punished? And yet it shows up here. My guess is this is the ghostwriter's contribution and for that I salute him. It can't be easy working for such lunkheads like Ellanjay and having to write book after book about a group of Elsie Dinsmore clones.

Nada says she's ready to go wherever Zod wants her and laughs at rumors that she and Judd are an item. Now to Vicki.

Now I know there's so very much wrong with the Left Behind Universe that if us heathen snarkers were to set aside jobs, families, free time, etc. to making a comprehensive wiki complete with examples of why nothing would happen the way Ellanjay says it would, we'd pretty much be sentenced to a Wandering Jew-like existence similar to that of our dear Fred Clark at Slacktivist, but very occasionally, they actually do something right and in an attempt to be a little less negative, I'll point them out. Besides, the moments where Ellanjay are right are like Halley's Comet: it won't come again for a long time, so you better appreciate them while they're here so you'll have something to tell the grandkids.

Basically, the stars dimming disaster is actually affecting stuff and Ellanjay actually talks about the stuff being affected. I know, I'm shocked too and more than just a little bit scared. I feel like Homer at the end of the episode "Bart's Comet."

Vicki had planned to keep up a Bible study but right now with it being so cold out, she's focused on keeping the people at the school alive. According to the news, the Midwest looks like Alaska in the dead of winter, all the animals at the Chicago area zoos have died except for the penguins and the polar bears, the homeless in the major metropolitan cities have frozen to death, and resorts along the beach have closed. I could point out that all this massive death and suffering should have happened before the dimming (Wormwood alone would have taken out everyone) but dammit! It's so unbelievably refreshing to see them finally acknowledging a massive death toll!

Frankly I couldn't help but wonder if the ghostwriter wrote most of this passage because I can't picture this level of basic craftsmenship coming from Jenkins or LaHaye. Ever since finding out that a ghostwriter worked on the series, I've wondering how the relationship between Ellanjay and ghostwriter played out. I would say Ellanjay gave him the checklist and said, "Knock yourself out," then just put their name to it afterwards, but there are too many of the trademark problems often seen in Ellanjay's works for that to be the case. I picture the three of them crowded around the keyboard, constantly pushing and shoving each other out of the way and this passage only happened because the ghostwriter slipped something in Ellanjay's drinks long enough to type this passage out before they regained consciousness and since Ellanjay doesn't believe in rereading what you've written, he was able to get away with it. All I can say is,"Bravo, brave ghostwriter." Your actions gave us the only decent passage in this entire series.

There is a weird mention in the bit about the homeless dying about how the shelters hadn't been staffed since Zod slaughtered raptured the Christians who ran them. I point this out because while I know a lot of the homeless shelters are run by Christian organizations, I find it strange that Ellanjay would mention this kind of thing. Aren't RTCs the type who believe in Social Darwinism (i.e. Poor people are poor because they're naturally inferior to rich people and therefore deserve to die in the gutter like God intended) and for the most part don't they consider any kind of charity that doesn't involve Gideon Bibles, handing out tracts, voting Republican, forwarding online applications to stop the War on Christmas, or giving money so [Insert Televangelist here] can have another yacht to better  "witness" to the poor heathens in [insert heathen country of choice here], a waste of time? After all, TurboJesus is going to come soon so why bother trying to clean up the environment or make the world a less painful place to live since TurboJesus will fix everything.

The news broadcast ends with Nicky Andes denouncing Token Jew and his followers and announcing that he's going to visit the Gruesome Twosome even though you'd think, since he controls the worldwide media, that he could just order the media to stop broadcasting their rantings, but that's crazy talk. :eyeroll:  Now back to Israel.

Judd's sneaking around, driving Nada to where she needs to go, while worrying about how her daddy, Jamal, will be pissed when he finds out. Since I already pointed out the whole "disobeying your elders" thing, I won't go into it again. But that's all that happens in Israel. :Yawn: Back to Vicki who currently has the only remotely compelling plotline going on.

Basically running the generator is using up more gasoline than they thought it would so Conrad suggests they only run it at night and burn wood to stay warm during the day. Naturally everyone, by which I mean Vicki, Conrad, and Mark (naturally none of the heathens were allowed to listen and decide), decide it's a good idea so they are :gasp: :choke: forced to use battery power on their laptop in order to see Nicky's visit the Gruesome Twosome at the Western Wall. But just as the visit begins, the laptop battery craps out, so Our Brave Heroes are unable to Bravely Watch the news. :gasps: The Apocalypse is worse than I could ever imagine! But it does turn out that the gas line froze almost immediately after they turned off the generator, so now the YTF can't even use it at night. I suppose some obsessive nerd* will point out how generators don't work that way while doing their best Morbo impersonation, but frankly, I'll allow it just so the Heroes Who Don't Do Anything will actually have to experience some discomfort as a result of the Apocalypse.

Now in Israel, Lionel is covering for Judd and Nada while he watches Nicky Bale visit with the Gruesome Twosome (GT) and as you guessed, Nicky comes across as sympathetic, while the GT sound like they have some kind of religion-related Tourette's Syndrome**. Basically, Nicky pleads with them, asking for help as men who claim to speak for God, begging to help him come to an agreement or compromise. Naturally, I suppose we're supposed to see this as proof of Nicky's duplicitousness, especially since he used the second most eeevil of all words, compromise, but like I said, he's the one who sounds sympathetic. As I've said before, he was created by Zod to be the anti-Christ and though he is essentially a robot unable to do anything except what he was programmed to do by Zod, he will still be punted straight to Hell where he'll suffer for all eternity for doing exactly what he was supposed to do.

Moist and Ellie aka Moishe and Eli basically say, "Your quarrel isn't with us," over and over again, ignoring and interrupting Nicky as he tries to talk to them. Rules of debate for RTCs: Apparently all it takes in order to crush your opponents in a debate is to make sure they can't get a word in edgewise. Heathens will claim that's proof of the weakness of your argument, but hey, they'll realize how right you were when the shit hits the fan and your sipping wine non-alcoholic grape juice with Jesus in Heaven, while they're burning in Hell.

Moist and Ellie accuse him of denying the one true God, which they refer to as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I guess Ellanjay put that line in there, so they can pat themselves on the back for realizing that Jewish people hold Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in high esteem, but since I can't help but be contrary, I find myself wondering if by that requirement (in other words, worshipping the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), does that mean by Ellanjay's own admission that those inscrutable Jews and Islamo-commie-fascist Muslims will get into Heaven? After all, I'm fairly certain the Jews and the Muslims both worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Nicky's response to the God of Abraham bit is to sputter something about tolerance, thus proving how eeevil he is, because if compromise is the second most eeevil word, tolerance is the number one most eeevil word. But Moist is onto him and responds by saying that, "There is one God and one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus." Once again, I find myself wondering if this means that the Muslims will get in because they believe in Jesus, right? Not in the same way that the RTCs do, but they'd probably have no problem with describing Jesus as a mediator between man and God.

Nicky Himalayas's response actually seems justified given that he came to talk to these so-called men of God and all they've done is dick around with him. Word of advice to aspiring writers: if you want to write about prophets, read some of the great Biblical prophets or if you're allergic to the Old Testament, try reading Stephen's sermon before the Sanhedrin or the Book of James. Prophets should come across as wise, a little crazy (though not a lot crazy), and otherworldly, not like a bunch of mental patients who chewed through the leather straps and somehow wound up in front of one of the most revered religious monuments. Anyway, here's the Prince of Darkness's response:

"So, that is it, then? Before the eyes of the world, you refuse to talk? All I get is that my quarrel is not with you? With whom, then, is it? All right, fine!"

Am I the only one who feels actually sorry for Nicky Amaro? I mean, he's actually asking for answers yet the GT aren't going to even try to save his soul, even though he's currently killed fewer people than the God they claim to worship. Poor Nicky never even had a chance...I really feel sorry for him.

Nicky then announces that the death of the GC guard was not the responsibility of any of the witnesses at the meeting and goes on to say that anyone who follows the teachings of Token Jew is now considered a fugitive or an enemy of the GC, but everyone else is free to live their lives and travel as they see fit. I know, again, we're supposed to find Nicky eeevil for persecuting the good RTCs, but I think Ellanjay's only objection really is that he's persecuting the wrong people, not that he's persecuting, period. Do you think if Token Jew was in charge he'd allow all the heathens, which includes anyone who doesn't believe in the word of God as laid out by God's Own Prophet, to practice their faith and live in peace? Once again, I feel a need to remind those who aren't history buffs that while Spain was going through the Inquisition, persecuting Muslims, Jews, and anyone who disagreed with the teachings of the Catholic Church, the Ottoman Empire, run by Islamo-Commie-Fascists, allowed Jews to live and practice their faith in peace. Nicky then makes this statement:

"I do not know with whom I am or should be talking but I stand willing to do whatever it takes to end this plague of darkness."

Now in a well-written novel, this would be the kind of statement uttered by the hero as he prepares to do battle with the forces of evil threatening his people, but remember, Ellanjay thinks the oh-so-holy checklist and all the deaths that'll happen as a result of the checklist is a good thing. These good Christian men are salivating over the deaths of innocent people and think that anyone who tentatively says that all these deaths are a bad thing or tries to stop it, is on the side of Satan. If the Holy Checklist had called for planes to hit the World Trade Centers, they would have danced in the streets with the Palestinians on September 11th.

Nada goes up to Samuel's house, only for the door to open and someone to grab her and drag her inside. Now, naturally this sort of thing normally wouldn't play out well for a teenage girl in real life, but I have a feeling nothing will come of this because nothing ever comes of anything in these books. As you guessed, Judd just sits there all gormless as Nada is dragged into the house, not bothering to freak out or go after here or do anything. Our Hero, folks...

The chapter ends with Vicki and the other kids at the school huddling together to get warm. They pray before going to sleep with Melinda asking the question that's probably on everyone's mind: "Are we going to die?"

And that's it until after Residency. I feel a little guilty in that I only gave y'all one chapter to tide you over until then, but given how long this post is, I'm sure I've provided enough fodder for you to discuss until then. :grins: Now in the words of Edward Murrow, good night and good luck.

*Don't take the obsessive nerd remark as a slam against any of you all. I'm in no position to judge anyone for believing an obsessive nerd given that I'm still hacking my way through these terrible, terrible books.

**Just in case any Tourette's sufferers are out there, know that my remark was intended more as a slam against Ellanjay rather than a slam against any of y'all. I'm sure Tourette's is like any mental illness in that you have to deal with idiots thinking they're an expert because they saw that one movie and judging you as a result; in other words, it sucks. It really, really sucks.

Are they being sarcastic? 'Cause I can't tell anymore

Sorry, sorry...I really need to get on a more regular posting schedule, especially since for the most part, all my school-related issues have been resolved. There will be another brief hiatus in July because of a ten-day residency but for the most part, things have been settled.

Truthfully the reason I haven't been posting is not only due to general laziness, but also, with Jenkins's most unintentionally awesome characters (I have no doubt that he or the ghostwriter drafted into writing this series, never intended for Hasina and Taylor to attract so much sympathy and admiration), Hasina and Taylor aka the Power Couple of Awesomeness, dead, I've been a little depressed. I like to tell myself that at least they went out in a suitably awesome fashion, thumbing their noses at Zod and the GC, or that they faked the whole thing and while the story is focused on Heroes Who Don't Do Anything, Hasina and Taylor are out recruiting others like them and waging guerilla warfare against both the GC and God, but it still hurts knowing that I have God-Only-Knows-How-Many Books to spend with such weaksauce protags as the Tribbles. If anyone out there wants to write fanfiction involving Hasina and Taylor doing battle with the GC and Zod, I would really appreciate it.

Not much happening really at the beginning though I did learn something: apparently all Jews, even once they've stopped being so inscrutable and Jewish, do not use contractions. I know I've commented on this before, but I like to drive the point home and it really comes across as strange that even an American Jew like Mitchell Stein, behaves as stereotypically Jewish as the Israeli Jews. Things Learned from Ellanjay: Jews share a hive mind. Why do you think there are no denominations like Hasidic or Reform or Orthodox or anything like that with Jews? Because it's obvious they are a monolithic group who follow in lockstep unity the advice laid out by their Rabbis who in turn, obey the Grand Poobah (almost said Pope because they obviously think that Jews have one) of Jews. But remember, just because all RTCs follow the word of God's Own Prophet (the acronym is intentional), Tim LaHaye, in no way conveys that they too, do nothing but parrot the words they've read and heard over and over again from their parents and pastors; they just happen to see the truth. It's okay to be a Hive Mind so long as everyone believes the truth.

Also, back at the school, Janie is still being all hardened and full of sin and evil by refusing to pull her weight. Vicki says she's considered withholding meals in order to get her to cooperate, but Janie says the food is terrible and she doesn't want to eat it anyway. So yet another thing learned from Ellanjay: When non-RTCs withhold basic necessities like food from people in order to force them to convert to their way of thinking, it's torture, but when RTCs do it, they're demonstrating the love and compassion of Jesus who forgave his enemies, even as they drove nails into his hands.

They further discuss what to do about Janie, Vick going so far as to suggest locking her in the tunnel beneath the school in order to force her to convert and I really wish I could tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but Conrad says, "That would be an effective evangelism tactic: convert or starve." I have read and reread the passage and I can't tell if the ghostwriter is making an anonymous potshot at the beliefs of the RTCs he's writing about or if Conrad is honestly agreeing with Vicki that they need to force Janie to convert. It's really hard to tell given the way it's written. Naturally I'm going with the sarcastic interpretation simply because the other theory is too horrific for words.

In Israel, there's a brief sense of poignancy rarely seen in these books as Judd, Mr. Stein, and Lionel wander the old part of Jerusalem in search of Hat Dude and Judd notes how quiet the streets are and how there should be children outside playing. Naturally this poignancy last about as long as a single raindrop in the desert, but I note this because these moments, where they reflect on what's been lost, are so few and far between. Anyway, they find Hat Dude and they pray together.

Next they read Token Jew's website and basically realize that the next judgement, in which the stars and sun are dimmed, is coming up and for the first time, Our Brave Heroes actually think of the ramifications of the judgement about how they're going to survive the freeze and how all these people are going to die. Granted just about everyone should be dead by now since Wormwood poisoned the water, but given how rarely the massive death toll of any events in Ellanjay's works is acknowledged, I'm going to allow this. As a connoissuer of Post-Apocalyptic fiction, one of the most interesting elements of the genre is the parts where the heroes try to deal with what has happened by trying to guess how long their rations will hold out and what they can do to deal with the aftermath of the disaster, so I actually thought the part where they're discussing how they're going to deal with a massive freeze was interesting. The only problem is that Ellanjay is going to stop at step one and not take it any further from there: all the sufferings, if they're seen at all, will be born out by anonymous heathens and none of the heroes will have to miss meals or deal with being hungry and cold at all. Even Cozy Catastrophes make some attempt to have their heroes suffer some minor discomfort, but Ellanjay won't even allow that because they know their followers would give up the ghost if they had to suffer even that, so I think we need to invent a new trope to describe this kind of catastrophe in which the heroes don't suffer at all and smugly look down on those who do.

Next chapter, Vicki wakes up and the judgement has hit because it's freezing cold out. Once again, we get a little discussion as to how they're going to deal with it--they decide to start the generator and to move downstairs because it'd be too difficult to heat up the upstairs--but as usual only Janie aka the hardened reprobate, makes any complaints about the cold. The YTF, minus Janie of course, snigger at the GC explaination--a supernova created a magnetar or a supermagnetized star causing elements in its core to rise and become extremely magnetic--and I find myself wondering if I should track down the Bad Astronomer and have him hash apart this bullshit in an extremely funny yet informative way, because I have a feeling it's B.S. but due to my amateur understanding of astronomy and physics, I lack the knowledge needed to rip into this and explain how nobody would buy it. Besides it still wouldn't change the fact that the suffering that will be concentrated mostly on the lower class because being poor means that you have little if any margin of error and that they'll likely die without hearing the Good News which will lead to them burning in Hell for all eternity because they had the nerve not to be rich. As so many have pointed out, while many RTCs refuse to accept the Theory of Evolution even though it's been proven time and time again, they have no problem accepting Social Darwinism as God's Truth.

Again, the rest of this chapter, with both groups of the YTF, the one at the school and the one in Israel, trying to deal with the aftermath of the judgement is really well-written. It almost is an accurate portrayal of what would really happen with everyone trying to keep warm by bundling themselves in blankets and everyone being glued to the television sets in hopes of figuring out what's going to happen next. I say almost because there is still the trademark Ellanjay elements which makes the heathen snarker* aka me and the rest of the people following this blog go, "Come on!" and throw the book against the wall, but I'm trying to be a little less relentlessly negative by pointing out the tiny lotus buds struggling to rise out of the muck, so bear with me.

Naturally on TV, the GC has formed a group to study this phenomenon and give their findings and if you guessed one of the members of said group was Jewy McJew aka Chaim Rosenzweig, even though he's a frigging botanist and not someone who'd have any idea about stuff related to astronomy or physics or meterology, you win a No-Prize. I hope you feel proud of yourself. We could be reading Shakespeare right now instead of this.

The YTF are appalled that some members of this group are writers or entertainers as opposed to scientists. The hypocrisy is rich considering that YTF practically worship actors like Ronald Reagan or Kirk Cameron even though they demonstrate a complete lack of knowledge when it comes to any academic field.

Anyway, everyone expects Jewy McJew to parrot the GC party line but instead he says something along the lines of, "Token Jew has predicted everything that was going to happen and that he feels like a fool and is going to check out the website so he'll know what happens next." He dares the cameramen to pull the plug on him, but they don't because non-RTCs are basically like characters in a Jack Chick strip: they'll either react with total astonishment and stand silent because they're stunned by said RTC's wisdom and sagacity or beg to be baptized on the spot or they'll react with anger in which case the brave RTC will get a sweet taste of martyrdom with all the rewards that entails while the non-RTC is punted straight to Hell.

The chapter ends with summary because Ellanjay are strong believers in "Tell, don't even think of showing." There's really nothing worthy of note except that apparently Judd and Nada are spending more time together and forming a bond (which of course is told but we never actually see any of this) and Lionel basically asks Judd if it's really such a good idea to be getting close to someone at a time like this. Admittedly this is a sensible statement for a character to make--in a world which has less than seven years to live, you probably don't want to risk bringing anymore children into it--but I can't help but wonder if Lionel's statement was less about practicality and more related to RTCs' numerous hangups about love and sex in general. Judd basically says, "We're just friends," to which Lionel rolls his eyes.

The chapter ends with Samuel calling and talking about how he told his dad he's an RTC now. Naturally Daddy is pissed and Judd tells Samuel if his daddy throws him out, he can stay with them, even though chances are...well think about it...Inviting a guy whose Daddy has ties to the GC to stay with them...how many different ways can that go wrong? It's not like Daddy can attach a tracking device or arrange to have people follow his son thus leading them right into a den full of RTCs. But even if that happened, we need not fear the GC torturing and making the YTF "disappear"; after all, it's been proven you'll just rot in jail for awhile before being busted out, none the worse for wear.

Not to mention because I'm a heathen pervert and because it's been proven so many times that the RTCs, who have the most hangups about sex more specifically gay sex, usually have the most to hide**, I can't help but read unintentional subtext into Samuel talking about coming out to his dad as an RTC and dad reacting with anger. Also, given that the readers of my blog are also heathen perverts***, you can probably guess what I'm going at with this unintentional subtext thing. :wink: :wink: Just remember that subtext can be rearranged to spell buttsex and you'll know just what I mean.

*Yes, I know I'm a Methodist, but given that I don't believe in the word of God as laid out by God's Own Prophet, Tim LaHaye, that probably makes me a heathen. That and the whole being liberal, believing in the social gospel, and being female and insisting on the ability to make my own decisions regarding my life and reproduction.

**One of my rules of life, one that's been proven true so many times it's probably woven into the fabric of the universe along with E=mc squared is, "He or she who screams the loudest about sin, usually has the most to hide." Just look at all the "family values" candidates who get caught shtupping the sexy intern or soliciting sex in an airport men's room.

***Don't worry that whole heathen pervert thing wasn't intended as a slam against you all. I love all my readers even if some of you probably have some embarrassing things in your search history. Then again, who doesn't.

RIP Power Couple of Awesomeness

Sorry, sorry if thing's are going to be erratic for a while. Again, I'm in the process of working out some stuff regarding school so it may be a while before I get back on a regular posting schedule. Besides have you really been dying to read more about the Pirates Heroes who don't do anything?

Well, fear not, fellow readers: Lionel escapes with nary a hair on his head damaged. Though it turns out that Mr. Stein's money was gone, so they can only hope that Hasina will help them out for free. If I were writting these books, I would have it turn out that Hasina and Taylor are too busy helping out the poor and wretched and sabotaging the GC in any way they can to help out our heroes, but I have a feeling that despite being a heathen infidel, Hasina realizes that rich Americans matter above all other lives and she'll airlift them out and once she does, at no small risk to herself, the YTF will continue to snigger about her behind her back. Because that's what good RTCs do: mock the cherished ideals of those who do not believe as they do.

Meanwhile at the school, Melinda is starting to show signs of having sipped the Flavor-Aid as she and Vicki discuss the prophecies. Melinda hasn't kneeled before Zod yet but it's only a matter of time. But most importantly, someone is finally realizing that all these judgments (which need I remind you, come from God) are going to affect things. Granted, it's pretty damn stupid that they are just now realizing this, even though after Wormwood poisoned the water, they should be rationing their bottled water and using it solely for drinking; or in other words, bathing and showering would become a thing of the past. But apparently the one that finally makes someone sit up and take pause is the next judgment which will darken the moon and stars and sun. Mark, the character who is finally showing some brains, realizes correctly that this means that the earth will essentially go through a deep freeze and things will get a heckuva lot colder. Melinda, acting truly dumb because only one member of the YTF is alloted brain cells at a time, says that they live in the woods and can just chop down some of the trees to keep the fires burning, but Mark shakes his head and basically says that people are going to die. While I'll admit that's a pretty huge "Duh..." statement given how many disasters have struck back to back, killing who-only-knows how many people, I'll still allow this line because finally, an acknowledgement of the massive casualities that would result from one of the disasters. Still part of me has to wonder, do the RTCs ever give any reasons why all these disasters happen back to back within the same short time period? Because I don't claim to be an expert on disasters, but I'm fairly certain that if God wanted to smite the heathens back to the stone-age, it would only take one of the so-called judgments to render life on this planet, moot. Heck, the whole Wormwood thing would be more than enough to finish us off.

[plug]Once again, you want to see well-written young adult fiction about teens facing the end of the world-type disaster, read the Last Survivors series by Susan Beth Pfeffer, not this crap. [/plug]

Back to Israel. Judd is talking on the phone with Hasina and oh, how I wish that she or Taylor were the stars of this series instead of such a weaksauce protagonist like Judd. Again, they actually do shit.

But to my surprise, Hasina doesn't immediately start kowtowing to Judd and doing whatever he asks. Probably because exciting shit that would be nice to actually witness firsthand instead of just hearing about it from Judd, is actually happening. Basically the GC are storming the place complete with all the violence and gunfire that entails and why oh why do we have to read this from Judd's perspective again? Why exactly couldn't Hasina and Taylor be the heroes of this series instead of the Tribbles? Even though Ellanjay distances us from the scene by having us learn it by having Judd overhear it through the phone, it's still a damn effective part of the novel as the GC struggle to subdue Taylor and Hasina and they confess their love for each other, before Judd hears the sound of gunshots and hears a GC Goon say that the suspects are dead. Oh and if you're wondering, Judd did try a last-minute thief-on-the-cross kind of conversion with Hasina and Taylor but both essentially said, "Save your breath."

:fans self: Wow...Hasina and Taylor are so awesome I nearly swooned especially when they both told Judd where he can stick his conversion attempt. Did I not tell you how utterly awesome they both are? I was going to find a clip from the MST3K episode where they riffed on Puma Man, the one where Crow, after watching Vadinho kick serious ass, says, "Our hero is this guy. I think it's time we've accepted that," but I couldn't find the clip. Still, given how very, very awesome they are I must honor them with a YouTube clip so you can feel what I'm feeling right now. Characters as awesome as them deserve to have a Scottish man playing "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes as a send-off. I would also see to it that they be nominated for sainthood so as to represent all of us brave souls still plodding through these books, but I don't know how to go about such things. I'll just lie down and say, "Wow..." for a little longer though.

Next chapter. Faced with the whole prospect of a massive freeze, Vicki and the rest of the YTF not important enough to go to Israel, start getting to work, chopping and gathering firewood and for a brief period, a few of them act like actual teenagers, wondering if this is all necessary, griping about work, etc. If you guessed the ones behaving like teens instead of Elsie Dinsmore clones were the ones who have yet to convert, aka Melinda and Janie, you were right! Go upstairs and collect your No-Prize.

Meanwhile in Israel, I have as much trouble believing it as you do, but Judd is actually stunned by the deaths of Hasina and Taylor. The cynical part of me just assumes that he's concerned because he lost his ride out of Israel and that's probably true, but dammit! It is nice to see him demonstrate a brief flicker of human emotion. Also, he starts to regret being so harsh towards Vicki about the school and wishes he could fix things between them. We could only wonder what Token Jew would think about Judd conceding that a weak, womanly female with female parts could be right about something.

Judd and Nada discuss her brother, Kasim. For those who can't remember, Kasim was her heathen brother who died unconverted in the Wrath of the Lamb quake. One of the things she mentioned was that Kasim, as a GC guard, had a penthouse apartment bigger than their house. Can't help but note that Nicky Amaro's strategy of giving his employees all these perks probably works better than Zod's convert-by-killing strategy. Anyway, Nada proves she's a true RTC by essentially showing no compassion for her brother saying that he'd seen Token Jew's broadcast so he had his chance to convert.

Back at the school. Janie's being a typical teenager by slacking off from work but of course, in the eyes of Ellanjay, this is only further proof of her reprobate nature.

Back to Israel. Lionel and Samuel talk about Jesus and Samuel finally stops being one of those inscrutable Jews and converts, even though he knows this will cheese off his father. I am just disappointed that it turned out that the verse Lionel slipped in his pocket wasn't Ezekiel 23:20.

And that's it for this week. Please do your best to properly eulogize Hasina and Taylor.

The Ugly Americans in Israel

Oh geez, sorry, sorry, sorry for it being so long since the last post. By now y'all are probably searching through obituaries wondering if I died in some freak gardening/vomit-choking/spontaneous combustion accident. We'll I'm afraid nothing like that. I'm afraid all that happened was a whole mess'o'shit regarding school hit the fan combined with general laziness and a tendency towards clinical depression and that explains why I'm so late with the post.

I guess you've all been wondering what's been happening in the LB:TK universe. Well the truth is nothing. Nothing ever happens in these books. Even the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything occasionally did something. Basically right now all that happens is Mr. Stein talks about stuff that would have been interesting to see first-hand but boring to read someone talking about. Y'know I wonder what my Creative Writing instructor would think if I showed her these books and told her that these were best-selling books.

I'll make it short. Our Buck and Token Jew escaped thanks in part to the help of Mr. Stein and others. Also, Chloe was separated from Our Buck and I have a feeling that nobody will be the least bit concerned about a pregnant woman trapped in the middle of a riot. Anyway, Mr. Stein is captured and is tortured by his captors and yes, he is shocked, shocked! that the evil one-world government bent on wiping out RTCs, would torture an RTC in hopes that he'd reveal something that would lead them to the leader of this renegade sect. After that, he feels pretty lousy until he hears a voice in his head singing the Doxology (how I hate that such a nice bit of poetry is associated with this drivel) and goes into such a deep sleep, his captors think he's dead. Mr. Stein wakes up in the morgue and is smuggled to a funeral home and is smuggled out of said home to a safe house. And let me just say my summary of events is a hell of a lot more interesting than the way Ellanjay tells it. :sigh: Now back to the Girly Girls.

As you probably guessed, nothing is happening. Melinda apologizes for running off and causing a lot of trouble. Apparently now she's opposed to the GC but she's still not an RTC, so yeah...they probably regard her as a damned infidel like Taylor even though Taylor is a hell of a lot more awesome than all of the Tribbles combined. All that happens after that: they discuss the email received from a GC address and write back asking to know more about the sender's intentions. Now back to the dudes.

Samuel calls and tells them that the GC are pissed and looking for Token Jew everywhere and monitoring all the airports so the YTF and the Tribbles aren't going anywhere. Mr. Stein does have money but he stashed it at the university. Then suddenly they have a lightbulb moment and decide to call Hasina aka the second half of the Power Couple of Awesomeness. I could get into a long rant about how the YTF are such assholes speaking disdainfully of Taylor and Hasina's beliefs until they get into a bind and decide to run to Taylor and Hasina for help but then again, this is kind of par the course for the Tribbles. Next chapter.

Vicki receives another email from the GC written by someone claiming to be Carl aka that guy John saved on that ship. He wants to meet the YTF and in a rare show of intelligence, the YTF considers the possibility that this might be a trap and responds cautiously. But I'm going to put on my bookie eyeshade and bet that it isn't because everyone knows bad things happen to NPCs or to bad people who deserve it, not to good RTCs like the YTF. Again, readers might give up hope if they found out that persecution involves more than just receiving a glare from an overworked cashier after you criticized him/her for not saying, "Merry Christmas," after ringing you up.

Back to Israel. Nada is gone and Jamal is pissed. Basically Nada, in the previous chapter, had decided to go and retrieve Mr. Stein's money, reasoning that she'd attract less attention than some American tourists. But Jamal is pissed about his daughter putting herself in danger and we find out why. Basically the whole family accepted that TurboJesus was the way, the truth, and the light, but there was a holdout: Nada's older brother, Kasim. He believed in Carpathia and became a GC guard. But that didn't stop Nada from going to him on duty and preaching about Zod. Naturally Nada didn't face any consequences because the GC is absolutely helpless in the face of a teenage girl and couldn't dream of doing something like imprisoning her and torturing her so she'd name names. But anyway, Kasim ended up being squished in the Wrath of the Lamb earthquake and like every good RTC, no one in his family is like, "My son/brother is in hell for all eternity. The kid who I walked to kindergarten and taught to tie his shoes is being tortured for all eternity because a building fell on him before he could convert." I know I keep reitterating this point over and over again and everyone, including me, is probably tired of it, but it needs to be said, dammit!

The Manly Men decide to go after Nada to make sure she's okay. They draw straws and Lionel gets the short one, so he goes to help Nada. Back at the school. Conrad decides to check out the fancy box he found a couple of chapters ago. The YTF wonder if it's the safe that Z was talking about. I nearly suffer a concusion when I bang my head against the computer after falling into a boredom-induced coma.

Back to Israel. Lionel puts on a long robe and turban to disquise myself. I grit my teeth as Lionel thinks about how goofy he looks and wonder if Ellanjay assumes robe+turban=Muslim or if they are aware that such attire is more fitting for a Sikh. Nothing like Ellanjay's cultural insensitivity to raise your blood pressure a few degrees. Lionel searches the campus using Mr. Stein's tips but well, the chapter ends with the alarm going off and the possibility that we might actually have something interesting happen in the next chapter. Though I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

So Incredibly Bored

Yeah sorry about last week. I don't want to go into specifics but let's just say a lot of shit hit the fan because for some reason the bad stuff that happens to me likes to pile on all at once. :sigh: That said, onward to the snark.

Our Brave Heroes aka Judd and Lionel and Jamal bravely watch TV and are shocked that the worldwide media under the control of a ruthless dictator is trying pin the murder of the GC guard on Our Buck. Not to mentheection ends with the kids being horrified upon hearing about St. Rayford's death. Of course seeing as Rayford is a freaking Highlander who will probably outlast Dr. Manhattan, it's hard to feel any concern for him.

Okay for once Jenkins steps off the narrative gas and we get some actual character development complete with fairly realistic dialogue between Mark and Melinda. Melinda, if you're wondering, is still in cuffs which Mark is still trying to break. Basically they talk about hiding from the GC, what are they going to do now, and Melinda, once again proving what a hardened reprobate she is, tells him she's sorry to hear about the loss of his aunt. Again this proves she's a horrible sinner because if she was a good and proper RTC, she'd have just shrugged it off.

Back to Judd and Lionel...apparently Ken Ritz is dead. This might have had an impact on the readers if Ken had ever been mentioned before this point or even appeared onscreen at some point. Seriously all I know about the dude is that Chloe names her currently gestating child after him.

Okay back to the school. This book changes settings so fast, I'm in serious danger of whiplash here. I know according to the great RTC hierarchy, Judd ranks the highest of the YTF (by virtue of being both the eldest member and a proud owner of a penis) but it doesn't take much to see that Vicki is demonstrating much more leadership chops than Judd can ever hope to possess. She's managing to keep the rest of the school together but no doubt, eventually she'll be punished for being a girl with girl parts especially since she has the nerve to hold a Bible study in order to keep up morale. Not only is her lesson not one of the cherrypicked verses Ellanjay uses to prop up their incredibly convoluted interpretation of scripture (it's a selection from Paul's letter to the Phillippians if you're wondering), but in holding this lesson, she's holding authority over a man and you know how RTCs feel about that. Even though Deborah aka one of the Judges clearly holds authority over a man and as I recall, she has ovaries. I imagine if I really wanted to tie RTCs in knots, I should bring up the story of Jael.

Anyway, the passage Vicki instructs them on basically says that regardless of what they endure as a result of their beliefs, they should be content. Not an entirely bad passage for the YTF to study if you ask me. They also say a prayer for Melinda, marking one of the rare times that an RTC demonstrates compassion for someone who isn't one of them.

Mark is still trying to break Melinda's cuffs when we run into yet another character who appeared in a previous book but you probably have forgotten about otherwise known as Janie. Like them, Janie is fleeing the GC. She claims to have become more religious since meeting Vicki but since Mark can't tell if she has the Super Special Awesome Secret Mark, jury's out on whether we can trust her.

Judd and Lionel are still hiding out when a beautiful girl shows up and given the amount of description she receives, she'll likely eventually be given a name and won't be just an NPC. She tells them that they have a phone call. Turns out Samuel's calling them and he tells them Mr. Stein has been released but doesn't know where he is and that's the end of that chapter.

Next chapter begins at the school and all that happens is that the YTF on night duty, Conrad, finds a fancy box and Mark, Melinda, and Janie return to the school.

Meanwhile in Israel, just as I suspected, the beautiful young girl, who is Jamal's daughter, is given a name, Nada,.Just as I guessed she is described as having an Arabic accent which adds to my suspicions that before her family became good RTCs, they were eeevil Muslims (though it is possible they were Palestinian Christians but I'm willing to bet the farm that Ellanjay are the type who use Arab and Muslim interchangeably, which is high on my list of pet peeves) . But regardless, they've seen the light thanks to Token Jew's website.

Meanwhile, at the school, turns out Janie is a follower of EBOWF and naturally believes that a God of Love wouldn't inflict all this misery on us. Vicki makes the same weaksauce argument that he's trying to get her attention to which Janie responds "I let my God guide me and he got me out of prison. "

Judd and Lionel read Token Jew's email and go to the funeral home, pick up a coffin, with Mr. Stein in it. I'll cut to the end and tell you that Mr. Stein isn't really dead.

Quick cut to the school. Vicki lays out the rules of the school. Naturally everyone has to attend a Bible study and Janie says she's not going to convert but yeah...we'll see how that plays out.

And that's it. Sorry again for the lack of snark last week.

Are you a man? Or are you an NPC?

Gotta give credit where credit is due: In the beginning, Ellanjay manage to create the slight possibility of actual suspense regarding Judd and Lionel's situation. They're being held prisoner by a GC officer and his son. Not to mention,
Samuel's dad aka Mr. Goldberg aka can anyone name a single Jewish character who doesn't have a Jewy McJew kind of name, tells them that while most of their friends manage to escape, one didn't. He refuses to say which one but obviously St. Rayford and Our Buck are safe, Our Buck because he hasn't reached the appointed time and hour in which he must die (frankly I'm surprised Jenkins was able to go through with killing his beloved self-insert) and because Rayford is the friggin' highlander by virtue of being Tim LaHaye's self-insert.

Anyway Judd, like an idiot, rushes somebody with a gun which goes off but nobody isi hurt. Lionel, Judd, and Samuel race down a secret passage and Samuel leads them to an apartment building where they are greeted by a woman wearing a veil. At first, I was briefly hopeful that we had finally gotten a character who is both of a different faith from RTCianity yet is opposed to the GC. Naturally I assumed she and her husband were Muslims (husband's name is Jamal) but obviously that can't be the case because everyone knows that followers of other faiths don't really believe in their faith, they just hate Jesus but they'll be sorry, you'll see. Anyway, naturally Jamal and his wife are RTCs like all good people in this story.

Chapter ends by going back to Mark. He discovers that said aunt he was looking for has died and been cremated. Still don't remember if said aunt was an RTC or if she's being slow-roasted in Hell, but this whole trip was probably a plot contrivance (in an Ellanjay story? Surely you jest) to get him away from the YTF so he can discover what happened to Melinda: she's handcuffed in the back of a GC squad car.

Now naturally you know Melinda will be rescued. By virtue of having a name that means she's not just an NPC who can be sacrificed like a used kleenex just to prove a point. I will give Ellanjay credit: they actually come up with a decent action scene for Melinda's rescue. I don't know how realistic it all is with the GC being helpless against a kid armed with a brick and a motorcycle but I'll allow this because I'm so desperate for something to happen. What happens is this: Mark throws a brick into a shopfront window, setting off an alarm which distracts the GC and enables him to grab Melinda and they ride off together on the motorcycle.

Back to the characters who actually matter according to Ellanjay: Judd and Lionel. Basically, Jamal, who is currently holding the Braincells around here, tentatively suggests that having the son of a GC officer, especially one who has already tried to sell them out before, is a somewhat bad idea. Strangely enough, Judd actually cooperates with this guy (who is one step above being an NPC) and they slip out, promising to make sure that Samuel doesn't rat out the people Jamal is hiding.

They talk to Samuel who tells them that Mr. Stein is in captivity and is severely beaten. Samuel still hasn't said the prayer but no doubt he will because all the damned are off-screen.

Meanwhile Melinda and Mark struggle to escape the GC dragnet. Now back to Judd and Lionel.

Surprisingly enough, it's Lionel who is walking Samuel through the scripture, not Judd. I was certain that Judd, by virtue of being both the main character and a mini-Rayford, would be given this all-important task, rather than Lionel, who plays the part of the Token Black Guy who exists to prove that the hero isn't racist by virtue of being black. Anyway fear not, readers: Lionel's speech is essentially "Jesus is God. The Bible says so, " so those of y'all dreading long lectures, fear not. But Samuel doesn't immediately go, "Oh shit! Baptize me now!" Instead he says he has to go meet his father, leaves some money for them, and runs off. But not before Lionel slips him a scrap of paper with a Bible verse on it. The smart aleck in me hopes that the verse in question is Ezekiel 23:20 but it'll probably be something along the lines of John 3:16 aka the RTCs go-to verse. Naturally the next time we see Samuel, he will have happily abandoned Jewish teachings and become a good and faithful RTC. Because he is a man and not an NPC.

Moral Ambiguity is of the Devil

Yeah, yeah, I'm late with the post. Sorry about that. But before you criticize me, just ask yourself: do you really think this snarking job is easy? Sitting in my pjs, eating junk food, guzzling Coca-Cola, and trying to think of new ways of describing just how utterly incompetent Nicky Drakensberg is? Really the only way Zod triumphs in this story is because the Father of All Lies is dumb.

Anyway in the previous chapter, Vicki and co. received an email from a GC military installation. The only reason I didn't mention it in the last snark was because I was so busy ranting and raving about how Nicky Entoto fails at basic villainy. I have a hard time believing he'd stay in power for seven minutes let alone seven years.

Anyway they bravely watch Token Jew on television talk about how a third of the stars and the moon and the sun will go dark and all that business about the mark of the beast. Once again, is it really that difficult to memorize the order of all the horrible shit that Zod's going to inflict upon the world? Not to mention with all the world's water poisoned, shouldn't everybody be pretty much dead by now? Why would we need anymore horrific disasters to finish us off?

Next day, the plot-induced stupidity temporarily releases its hold on Lionel, who wonders why Nicky Kilimanjaro is broadcasting the whole gathering. But Judd provides the answer to this question and as you probably guessed, it's pure weaksauce. He says Carpathia wants to keep track of what's being said at the meeting. Of course, I bet all my fellow snarkers can point out the flaws in this strategy. Such as apparently electronic bugs do not exist in the Left Behind universe. Also, apparently he can't have the guards he has protecting the RTCs at the Gathering report on what they see and hear. Also, seeing as Nicky Lebombo is the anti-Christ and must slavishly follow the plan as laid out by Zod, shouldn't he already know everything that the RTCs will say or do and everything that'll happen between here and when he gets punted to Hell?

Cornelius is there and he's starting to wonder if Judd's onto something. No! Run away from the RTCs! Once you join them, you'll stop being a compassionate human being and turn into an RTC automaton who only wins because the authors' are on your side.

Token Jew ends the gathering with another altar call and a repeat of that whole thing about the stars dimming because apparently an RTC's short-term memory is worse than that of the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates

Anyway, well apparently Cornelius drank the flavor-aid because he now has the Super Special Awesome Secret Mark. But they don't have long to savor their triumph because gunfire breaks out. The GC are finally doing something sensible by trying to kill Token Jew. I would point out that they could do something more discreet, something that would result in less collateral damage such as having a sniper pick him off at another location or poisoning him or making him "disappear" or something a lot smarter than spraying the stadium full of bullets, but right now I feel like throwing a parade every time the GC does basic villainy.

Meanwhile on the home front, Vicki hears noises coming from Melinda's room and goes to investigate, only to find the dog bound and gagged. Oh and Melinda's escaped as well.

Next chapter, Cornelius was shot and killed in the confusion and the GC are very eeevilly trying to pin this on the RTCs. Why this surprises our heroes I don't know. You'd think, given how much they crave martyrdom, they wouldn't be so shocked when someone decides to give it to them. But Samuel, who was in this series several books from now and hasn't been mentioned until now decides to help Judd and Lionel escape. For those, who like me, have completely forgotten who the hell Samuel is, he's the guy Judd gave the videotape that revealed how Token Jew's family really died.

Meanwhile, Vicki and co. set in search of Melinda.

Samuel if you're wondering, still doesn't have the mark and says that his dad is with the GC yet he's still willing to help them escape. At first, when I read this, I cheered, thinking we we're going to get another Taylor but I should know better. First of all, even as Taylor proves to be more awesome than all the Tribbles combined, you can hear Ellanjay tsk-tsking about how he very eeevilly insists on trying to stop a worldwide dictatorship. Second of all, the whole "willing to help even though he's not an RTC and his dad's a member of the GC" thing reaks of moral ambiguity and you know how Ellanjay feel about moral ambiguity. They subscribe to the gospel according to George W. Bush: you're either with us or against us. So while I know some of y'all may protest, I'm going to tell the end of the chapter: turns out it was a trap and Samuel turns them over to his dad. This will probably come to nothing just like all the umpteen other times the YTF were captured by the GC. For a dictatorship run by the anti-Christ, they sure seem afraid to do something as basic as, say, waterboard their prisoners.