Pinballs

We begin this week with a mostly Vicki chapter. Ugh...Stay tuned kids, because we got some real good toy commercials coming up, I swear.

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm so down about this. Isn't spending time with Vicki better than spending time with a watered-down mini-Rayford aka Judd? But truth is none of the characters really have any distinguishing traits. As said in a comment on a previous snark, the characters, for all we know about them, might as well be pinballs with little name-tags attached and as many of my readers will point out, they have as much control over the plot as pinballs do over their own path. Here's a challenge for my readers: name some traits of some of the characters mentioned. By traits, I mean personality traits, not ethnicity or background. So no going, "Uh...Lionel's the black guy, right? or "That dude's Jewish."

Vicki and Mark are walking down the hallway searching for Claudia. They find her but she doesn't have the Super Special Awesome Zod-Mark and the GC are closing in on them. But it turns out that the GC do have a few brain cells to rub together, because it turns out this whole thing with Claudia was a trap.

I'll admit I skimmed through most of the next part. Forgive me, but it's really impossible to snark given that it's just a boring collection of action verbs which have no consequences because nothing ever happens to the good guys. If you're wondering, Vicki and Mark are saved by a black maid named Florence, who's so stereotypically black that I wonder why there aren't massive protests over these novels. Then again, Ellanjay seem to be ignorant and proud of their ignorance of anything outside of White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant male.

Florence has Vicki and Mark climb into the laundry because we can leave no cliché unused in these novels. And just because I believe in spreading suffering around, I'll provide a sample of Florence's dialogue:

The woman hummed the tune again, stopping long enough to say, “My job’s the same as the Lord’s in a way. I take the trash out and make sure it gets put in the right place. He takes our trash and puts it on the cross where Jesus can take care of it. Simple as that. Hmm hmm hmm hmm …”

I'll end this chapter for you: they escape without any trouble and I'm bored to death with the whole thing.

Next, we begin with Darrion bravely watching the news. The news is essentially this: Nicky is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life. Also Darrion smirks about how they haven't connected the sores with The Mark.

Nothing happens on Lionel's end so let's just skip to Judd.

Well, nothing's really happening there either, just a lot of thinking. He's mad at Lionel for getting separated from him, making me wonder if I need to dust off my "Ho Yay" tag. And we get another mention of Ryan! Judd actually apologizes for having been such a jerk to him. Too bad, Ryan's dead making any such apology completely pointless.

Judd talks on the phone with Vicki and I suppose we're supposed to read unresolved sexual tension between the two, but given that the writers know nothing about how teenagers act towards one another, it comes across as them trying desperately to come up with an excuse to pair up a pair of paper dolls. I'll sum things up: Vicki is worried, Judd talks about what a jerk he was to Ryan, Vicki's all "He knew you cared in the end," and then they hang up. Mac shows up and David Hayseed is dead. Given that I don't think Hayseed made any appearances in this series, I don't see why we should care.

I'm throwing in a third chapter because the snark's a little skimpy.

Judd and Lionel are hanging around talking, when Chaim, still calling himself Micah, shows up to give his speech. I won't go too much into detail about this speech as it quickly devolves into the standard altar call, but let's start:

“Of the billions and billions of people who have ever lived, One stands head and shoulders above the rest in terms of influence. More schools, colleges, hospitals, and orphanages have been started because of him than because of anyone else. More art was created, more music written, and more humanitarian acts performed due to him and his influence than anyone else ever. Great international encyclopedias devote twenty thousand words to describing him and his influence on the world. Even our calendar is based on his birth. And all this he accomplished in a public ministry that lasted just three and a half years!
“Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God, Savior of the world, and Messiah, predicted that he would build his church and the gates of hell would not prevail against it. Centuries after his public, unmerciful mocking, his persecution and martyrdom, billions claimed membership in his church, making it by far the largest religion in the world. And when he returned, as he said he would, to take his faithful to heaven, the disappearance of so many had the most profound impact on this globe that man has ever seen.

I could also point out that in addition to all these great humanitarian acts, Jesus has also been the inspiration for the Inquisition, numerous pogroms, and to top it all off, the Holocaust. You can't point out all the good that's stemmed from Christianity without acknowledging the bad.

“For years skeptics have made fun of the evangelist’s plea, ‘Do you want to be saved tonight?’ and yet that is what I ask you right now. Do not expect God to be fooled. Be not deceived. God will not be mocked. Do not do this to avoid a confrontation with Antichrist. You need to be saved because you cannot save yourself.
“The cost is great but the reward greater. This may cost you your freedom, your family, your very head. You may not survive the journey to safety. But you will spend eternity with God, worshiping the Lord Christ, Messiah, Jesus.”

What if instead of doing this in order to avoid a confrontation with Nicky, they're doing this in order to avoid the fires of hell? You can't say, "Don't convert out of fear!" when that's what your characters do! It just doesn't work!

I'm going to quote 1 John 4:18 again, so you can see how Ellanjay fail.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

After Chaim's speech, Rabbi Ethan Ben-Eliezar and his wife come up to Mr. Stein being all "How could we have been so blind? How was we supposed to know that your attempts to extinguish our culture were for our own good?" Well okay, they don't say the second part but it's implied. They then ask about The Prayer, giving Ellanjay yet another excuse to quote it in its entirety. They say the prayer and stop being ignorant Jews and become RTCs, thus losing what few distinguishing traits they had.

That's where I'll leave you. Sorry to do so much summarizing but like I said there really isn't a lot to snark.

The Jewishy Jews Strike Back!

Like I said what we have waiting for us in this chapter is the inevitable conversion scene and oh boy does it suck. Not that I'm not used to Ellanjay's failings by now, but still.

Like I said before, Mr. Stein mentioned that Nicky wouldn't be able to stand against his ultimate enemy and the wife of Ethan Ben-Eliezar (no points for guessing ethnicity) was like "Who's that?" Because Jews are either mind-blowingly ignorant of Jesus or they hate him with all their hearts, but heaven forbid, you accuse Ellanjay of anti-Semitism. I'm sure some of their best friends are Jewish. In fact, they love Jews. Just look at all their great Jewish characters...there's Tsion ben Judah aka Token Jew, Chaim Rosenzweig, Mitchell Stein...Ellanjay just love Jews so long as they abandon the faith of their fathers and stop being so inscrutable and Jewish.

Thankfully, the beginning of Mr. Stein's conversion speech is done in summary. Normally this kind of summarizing, of rushing through pertinent information (like all the Old Testament prophecies which of course, point to TurboJesus) is a bad thing, but here, I welcome it. Less stuff for me to suffer through.

Mrs. Ben-Eliezar mentions that she had a daughter named Meira who, like all good Jews in Ellanjay's world, stopped being Jewish and became a Christian. As soon as she says her daughter disappeared, Mr. Stein leaps all over this saying, "I know what happened to your daughter and you can see her again, but only if you do exactly what TurboJesus wants." Well, okay he leaves off the last part, but yet another lesson you can take from these novels: Emotional Blackmail is A-Okay to use in order to convert someone.

But then for some reason we cut to Vicki. [TANGENT] Y'know more and more I'm starting to think that bad books are just as good or maybe even better at teaching you the craft than good books. Because I've not gotten very far in this chapter and already I can point out so many flaws and say, "Hell yeah, am I doing better than this!" Not to mention, it gives me hope. If something this bad saw the light of day, maybe there's a market for my Young Adult novel in progress. [/TANGENT]

Manny and Hector talk. Hector, being a hardened reprobate, is scoffing about all those people resisting the Mark being like, "It's just a little tattoo." Manny naturally tries to convert him but Hector rolls his eyes. That's all that happens. Why did Ellanjay interrupt the previous section to bring us this interlude which goes nowhere and does nothing? Do they think if we don't get a Vicki section in every chapter we'll forget she exists?

Lionel and Westin are heading to Petra. Z-Van appears, chews them out, but gives them the idea to use Z-Van's plane to transport pilgrims to Masada.

We finally cut back to Judd who's with Mr. Stein as he tries to convert those heathen Jews. Mr. Stein keeps up the emotional blackmail going, "If you accept Christ, you'll see your daughter again." But Rabbi Ben-Eliezar is having none of it. He's all "You expect us to believe all this?!"

But Mr. Stein has a weapon up his sleeve: Revelation 12. I'm going to post the entire chapter so we can all get a look at it and see just how badly Ellanjay fails.

12 A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. 2 She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. 3 Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on its heads. 4 Its tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that it might devour her child the moment he was born. 5 She gave birth to a son, a male child, who “will rule all the nations with an iron scepter.”[a] And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. 6 The woman fled into the wilderness to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.

7 Then war broke out in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. 8 But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9 The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:


“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.

11
They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.

12
Therefore rejoice, you heavens
and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
because he knows that his time is short.”

13 When the dragon saw that he had been hurled to the earth, he pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child. 14 The woman was given the two wings of a great eagle, so that she might fly to the place prepared for her in the wilderness, where she would be taken care of for a time, times and half a time, out of the serpent’s reach. 15 Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent. 16 But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed out of his mouth. 17 Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to wage war against the rest of her offspring—those who keep God’s commands and hold fast their testimony about Jesus.

We've already heard Ellanjay's interpretation of the woman given wings of an eagle verse. If you're wondering their interpretation is that all the RTCs will flee to Petra in light aircraft and be safe there. As for the river the dragon spews from its mouth, well, their interpretation needs to be seen to be believed:

“It says the dragon will try to drown Israel with a flood that comes from the dragon’s mouth. Dr. Ben-Judah believes this flood refers to the Antichrist’s army.”
“Oh dear,” Mrs. Ben-Eliezar said.
“But the Scripture goes on to say that the earth will help Israel by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that gushes from the dragon’s mouth.”

To quote Fred, this is what Ellanjay mean by straightforward reading of scripture. How they get "river from dragon's mouth" to mean "army of soldiers" I don't know. Me, I'm just disappointed that it doesn't involve Nicky trying to kill everyone with his drool.

Chang calls and tells Judd that Nicky killed Loren Hut and is planning on shooting down all the craft flying for Petra.

“Carpathia wants to wipe out the Orthodox Jews and the Judah-ites wherever they are.”
“Then everybody needs to head to Petra,” Judd said.
Mr. Stein asked what was happening and Judd held up a hand.
“Carpathia says Petra is just as defenseless against their weapons as Masada,” Chang said. “Judd, if God doesn’t do something miraculous, you guys could all die out there tonight.”

Yeah, I know they're trying desperately to build some sort of suspense. Well guess what, it fails miserably given that they've already mentioned in a previous chapter that the RTCs will be safe at Petra for three years and it mentions IN THIS CHAPTER that the earth will swallow Nicky's army. So why are they worried? Also, did editors even look at this book or do they just red-stamp them into printing?

Next chapter begins with Vicki eating. Again, given that nothing happens on her side, I don't get why Ellanjay keep cutting to her. Didn't Hitchcock say that "drama is life with the boring stuff cut out of it." Clearly Ellanjay don't know that.

Anyway, there's a lot of talking which amounts to nothing. Vicki still wonders what to do about Claudia and Manny introduces them to his sister, Anita.

Lionel's section is basically techno-porn with them talking about GPS and navigating. I'd have a modicum of respect for their techno-porn but given how badly they failed to predict future trends like cell phones and internet porn becoming widespread, yeah. Word of advice, guys: to paraphrase someone I've forgotten, good sci-fi sees not only the car, but also the traffic jam. Ellanjay fail to see either.

In Judd's section, Mr. Stein is still trying to do his damnedest to convince those Jewishy Jews to abandon millennia of teachings and convert! But the Rabbi is being stiff-necked and refusing to bite. Again, that's what Jews do. They either stubbornly refuse to convert despite canned arguments or they kill you if you do.

Judd thinks a little about Vicki and even when they have him doing a little reflecting, I still hate Judd.

Manny decides to stay and try to convert the gangs to RTCianity. Vicki and Mark decide to go after Claudia. They check into a hotel*, allowing the clerk to list all the amenities, and I'm bored to death with the whole thing so that's where I'll end the snark. Sorry if it seems like I was too angry and not funny enough but buttons were pushed.

*So they allow Vick to check into a hotel room with a guy she isn't married to?! That sound you hear is Irene Steele having the vapors. Seriously, they do mention each room having two double beds, but I'm still surprised they went through with this given how rigidly puritanical Ellanjay and their ilk tend to be.

Debating Ellanjay-Style

Okay I've been ignoring the Vicki plot because nothing's really been happening, just a lot of talking, and it didn't seem to really matter given all the stuff with the epic pig ride, but apparently now it's going to pay off. Probably in a disappointing fashion because this is Ellanjay we're reading but still I'll give you the down low on what's been going on with Vicki.

Basically, they've been trying to work out what to do about Claudia. Manny said he'd help, but it turns out that he's been secretly contacting an old friend so now they're worried that he's been putting them all in danger. Now that you know all this, let's move onto the snark.

Manny is all apologetic. They've received another email from Claudia saying that she's leaving her hotel room by noon and wants to know where to go. As they talk, they realize they're being pursued by a GC squad car.

Meanwhile in Israel, we get Lionel's perspective and yet another example of Ellanjay's compassion.

Lionel moved along with Sam and the crowd making its way from the Temple Mount. He kept looking for Judd but couldn’t find him. Many who had Carpathia’s mark were trying to leave for Masada, and Lionel felt sorry for them. Though they didn’t realize it, these people had decided their eternal fate when they had taken Nicolae’s mark.

:teeth grinding:

Now, now in an attempt to play devil's advocate, Lionel is compassionate: the text says he clearly feels bad that his god is going to send all these people to Hell for all eternity. Granted he doesn't feel bad enough to do something to help them or even PREACH TO ALL THE UNMARKED CONSTANTLY UNTIL THEY DRAG HIM OFF TO BE EXECUTED! But he does feel bad for them.

Nothing else really happens in this section except Lionel's all "What's Masada?" giving Sam (and the authors) an excuse for more Exposition. Me, I'm lazy and I'm wondering why I should give a crap so I'm not going to post it. If you wanna know what Masada is, Wikipedia will probably be able to help you out.

Meanwhile Judd is with Mr. Stein. He talks with Chang who says he'll be able to set it up so that everyone can hear what goes down between Nicky and Chaim at the Knesset. Why? Because it's the duty of every Ellanjay character to witness yet do nothing, that's why.

Vicki's section is pretty much a car chase which would be suspenseful but since nothing can happen to these characters, I'm going to fast-forward through it. Told you the pay-off would be disappointing. That's assuming we ever get a pay-off to this story.

Lionel is following Sam around through Jerusalem and we get this scene.

Lionel saw one man shriek as he tried to wrestle a gun from an equally sick GC Morale Monitor. “I can’t go on like this!” the man screamed.
The Morale Monitor gained control of the weapon, took a step back, and aimed. “Stay where you are or I’ll shoot!”
The man howled like a hurt animal and lunged wildly. The Morale Monitor fired, and the man crumpled to the ground. Lionel and Sam rushed over with several others. Someone rolled the man on his back, and blood poured from a wound in his chest. He gasped for air as his head lolled to one side. When he saw the Morale Monitor, he smiled slightly. “Thank you …”
One of the rabbis felt the man’s neck and said he was dead. The Morale Monitor, who looked only slightly older than Lionel, seemed near hysterics. “I didn’t have a choice! I told him to stop!”

Okay, before I start getting into all that is wrong about this (and there's a lot), I will commend Ellanjay in that I think this scene was meant to be one of horror and it succeeds. The only problem is THE STORY FAILS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THIS MAN'S SUFFERING ISN'T OVER! Am I the only one who remembers that all unbelievers go to Hell and that this punishment lasts for all eternity?! Also, while I have no objections to the bad guys using child soldiers, they are the bad guys after all, but you'd think this would give Lionel some pause, make him think "Hey this guy's a kid like me." I say child soldiers because only 3 and a half years have passed in this series and since Lionel was thirteen at the beginning of the series, that means he's sixteen, maybe seventeen tops at this point.

Judd and Chang talk some more. Chang is still going on and on about the Mark and I'm like, "Get over it already!" Especially since this section establishes that Chang took it unwillingly and therefore isn't going to be pitched into Hell for all eternity.

Vicki drives into a garage and hides there. That's apparently enough to ward off the GC dragnet. Second chapter begins with her hearing the sound of the GC squad car outside the garage. Then Vicki and the others see a guy standing on a walkway who tells them to get out of the car. I'm going to assume that this is Hector aka that guy Manny made contact with for those who care.

Lionel meets up with Westin. They gather a bunch of people in a hummer so they can go to Petra. I'm serious: that's all that really happens. So sorry to do so much summarizing but the For Kids! version of this series is more boring with only occasional moments of jaw-dropping bad unlike the adult books where the jaw-dropping bad is pretty much continuous.

Some pointless interludes later, we finally get to something worth snarking: Chaim and Nicky's debate, if you can even call it that. One of the primary rules of debating is to know your enemy's argument before you knock it to the ground. Ellanjay, given their inflated sense of self-worth, think they do, but they don't. Let's start a drinking game*: every bit of illogic, take a sip. Every time the "good" character weasels out of addressing the villain directly, take another sip. Judging by what I've seen thus far, you should be good and hammered by the time this is all through. Let's start:

First we get some alpha-male posturing from Chaim. Me, I'm a little surprised given that Chaim has been established to be one of those weak-wristed intellectuals that threaten Ellanjay so much.

Nicolae Carpathia said, “Forgive me for not standing.”
“I represent the one true God and his Son, Jesus, the Christ,” Dr. Rosenzweig said. “I prefer to stand.”

Now for a whole mess of weaselly debating.

After a moment, Nicolae said, “All right.” The man seemed furious. “I am letting these people run off to the hills. When do the sores go away? I upheld my end of the bargain.”
“We had a bargain?” Dr. Rosenzweig said. Judd pictured him in his brown robe, standing up to the most powerful ruler in the world.
“Come, come! We are wasting time!” Carpathia sneered. “You said you would lift this spell if I—”
“That is not my recollection. I said that if you did not let them go, you would suffer yet a worse plague.”
“So I let them go. Now you—”
“It is not as if you had a choice.”

O_o

Again, rule of debating according to Ellanjay: interrupting people is A-Okay and not at all proof of rudeness or a sign that you have a weak platform.

Something banged on the table and Carpathia screamed, “Are we here to play word games? I want the sores on my people healed! What do I have to do?”
“Make no attempt to stop Israeli Messianic believers from getting to Petra.”

As said by many people smarter than me, the anti-Christ, in competent hands, has the potential to be a tragic character, someone forced to carry out this cockamamie scheme that makes no sense by forces beyond his reckoning and who will be punished for doing so. I'm thinking of Lucifer from the Sandman comics who wonders whether his rebellion against God was his choice or just another part of the Master's great plan. But since Ellanjay don't deal in shades of grey because doing so would force them to admit some not so great aspects about the hero of their novel, we're left with this.

Carpathia paused. Judd wondered how many of his top cabinet members were in the room, suffering from sores. “Have you not noticed? I am the only full-time employee of the Global Community not suffering from the plague!”
“And that only because you have not taken your own mark, though I daresay you worship yourself.”
Footsteps. Nicolae came close to the phone. “Our medical experts have determined there is no connection between the application of the mark of loyalty and—”
Why does your bad breath not surprise me?”

Ellanjay clearly argue like teenage girls or like Conservapedia.

Yet another lesson learned from these novels: Kids, if you want to dazzle in a debate, forget constructing cogent arguments: just insult their appearance. Because fat and ugly people never make good points.

“If I am not god,” Carpathia said, “I challenge yours to slay me now. I spit in his face and call him a weakling. If I remain alive for ten more seconds, he, and you, are frauds.”
Judd shook his head. He wished God would take Nicolae up on his challenge.
“What kind of a God would he be if he felt compelled to act on your timetable?” Dr. Rosenzweig said, a smile in his voice.

Is there a reason God has to be a slave to any kind of time-table? God has proven in the Bible that he can change his mind. I cite as example, the third chapter of Jonah.

3 Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time: 2 “Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you.”

3 Jonah obeyed the word of the Lord and went to Nineveh. Now Nineveh was a very large city; it took three days to go through it. 4 Jonah began by going a day’s journey into the city, proclaiming, “Forty more days and Nineveh will be overthrown.” 5 The Ninevites believed God. A fast was proclaimed, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth.

6 When Jonah’s warning reached the king of Nineveh, he rose from his throne, took off his royal robes, covered himself with sackcloth and sat down in the dust. 7 This is the proclamation he issued in Nineveh:


“By the decree of the king and his nobles:

Do not let people or animals, herds or flocks, taste anything; do not let them eat or drink. 8 But let people and animals be covered with sackcloth. Let everyone call urgently on God. Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. 9 Who knows? God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger so that we will not perish.”

10 When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he relented and did not bring on them the destruction he had threatened

No, the only reason God is so slavishly devoted to this prophecy in Ellanjayland is because he's a dick. But then again, I doubt that Ellanjay are that familiar with the book of Jonah. They probably think it ends with him in the whale. But the ending to Jonah is very telling. I'm sure the writer or writers of that book would have a lot to say to Ellanjay and those of their ilk. As Fred has put it, Ellanjay only preach because they're secretly hoping that those nasty evil sinners will get what's coming to them.

4 But to Jonah this seemed very wrong, and he became angry. 2 He prayed to the Lord, “Isn’t this what I said, Lord, when I was still at home? That is what I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. 3 Now, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”

4 But the Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry?”

5 Jonah had gone out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. 6 Then the Lord God provided a leafy plant and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the plant. 7 But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the plant so that it withered. 8 When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, “It would be better for me to die than to live.”

9 But God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?”

“It is,” he said. “And I’m so angry I wish I were dead.”

10 But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. 11 And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?”

The debate ends and not soon enough since I may have given my readers alcohol poisoning. Sorry about that. The Judd section ends with the wife of Ethan Ben-Eliezar (another Jewy McJew name for you) asking, "Who's that?" when Mr. Stein mentions Nicky's greatest foe, thus setting up a conversion scene which will take place in the next chapter.

But this snark is hella long so I'll just give you the ending: yes, it is Manny's friend, Hector, in the garage.

*Please don't. I don't wanna be responsible for any alcohol poisonings that might result.

Baddy McEvilpants

I have to give a warning: after the epic pig ride, this week's probably going to be a let down in terms of snark. Kind of hard to top the epic pig ride when it comes to snark; heck, the epic pig ride pretty much snarks itself.

I think I finally remember who the hell Daniel is, not that many of you really care. Apparently Daniel Yossef (yes, another Jewy McJew name) was an Orthodox Jew (because there are no other kinds of Jews) who was like "I'll believe all this when I see it." And then he was killed by Nicky on live TV with the whole world watching and nobody but the RTCs care. Because all other religions apparently think murder is A-Okay. It also mentions that he was Sam's friend but given that this is the first we hear about this relationship...yeah, I'm understandably skeptical.

But anyway, let's get on with it.

Thousands had gathered to watch Nicolae’s every move. Many supported him, flocking outside the temple like it was some sporting event. But Carpathia’s words and actions repulsed followers of Jesus Christ and Orthodox Jews. Lionel had heard how cold-blooded Nicolae could be, but he never dreamed the man would kill in front of a live camera. Lionel couldn’t understand why anyone would follow this evil man.

This is a classic example of what the Turkey City Lexicon calls a "Signal From Fred." For those too lazy to click on the link, a "Signal from Fred" is when the author makes subconscious critical comments about the lack of quality in their work. For example, saying something like "this sounds like a bad movie." Here, Ellanjay are subconsciously admitting that they've given no good reason for why everyone in the world worships and follows Nicky Hindu Kush. It might work if they claimed that everyone was afraid of him (though you can only coast so far on that), but no, Ellanjay claims that everyone loves him.

Sam wonders to Lionel if Daniel accepted Christ before he died. Me, I'm like "Hello, don't all Christians get the Super Special Awesome Invisible Marks?" But Continuity must have done something terrible to Ellanjay when they were kids because they sure hate it a lot.

Oh, and I've got to apologize. I thought Micah, whom I dubbed "That Guy," was the literal prophet, but apparently it's just what Chaim Rosenzweig is calling himself. I'm not sure if that makes the scenario better or worse. I lean towards better because at least a perfectly good minor prophet's name isn't defiled by appearing in this novel, but...yeah, file this under flummoxed.

Apparently David Hayseed still works for the GC because he's able to hack GC TV so he can have Chaim (I refuse to call him "Micah." I just refuse.) give his two cents about Nicky's desecration.

“As Carpathia continues,” Dr. Rosenzweig said, “you should be able to see the laver where the priests wash their hands before they approach the main altar. The temple was creatively placed over a series of underground waterways where gravity allows constant water pressure for the various cleansings. Of course, he has no business in this place, and even a ceremonial washing of his hands will not exonerate him for defiling it.”

So the epic pig ride wasn't the defiling part, it was the murder? Then why have the epic pig ride in the first place? It did nothing to help Nicky's already laughable reputation. As said before, wet cardboard painted lime-green and hot-pink would be more intimidating than Nicky.

But as Nicky washes, his hands turn all bloody. But of course, only RTCs are shocked by it.

The Jews in the temple are all "Oy Vey!"* about Nicky defiling it through murder. Nicky's all "Leave before I kill you to death!" and the Jews do. Before you criticize their cowardice, they do grumble under their breath as they do, so clearly they are as brave as the Tribbles who bravely do nothing to stop the antichrist.

Chaim continued, contrasting Carpathia’s rantings with the way God had displayed his glory. “God appeared to Moses on Mount Sinai when the Ten Commandments were handed down. He appeared again when Moses dedicated the Tent of God. And finally he showed himself at the dedication of Solomon’s Temple on this very site. Should God choose, he could reveal himself even today and crush under his foot this evil enemy. But he has an eternal plan, and Antichrist is merely a bit player. Though Antichrist has been granted power to work his horror throughout the world for a time, he shall come to a bitter end that has already been decided.”

Need I remind you that they're explicitly saying that God is responsible for massive amounts of suffering yet he's supposed to be the hero of this book? And you wonder why I grind my teeth so much.

Once again, I'm skipping Vicki's part because nothing happens.

Sam, having not completely drunk the Flavor-Aid, wants to do something to stop Nicky from desecrating the temple. In the middle of all this, we get this headdesker of a statement.

Sam finally stood, his face streaked with tears. “We’ll never know if Daniel truly believed in God or not. Carpathia took his life in front of all these people and we’re not doing anything.”

Am I the only one who remembers the Super Special Awesome Invisible Zod-marks?

Oh and Nicky's going to sacrifice the pig he rode.

Next chapter, well I'm going to let this speak for itself.

The holy men cried out, tearing their robes as Nicolae approached the huge pig. In the street, the animal had been slow and seemed drugged. Now it was thrashing around, squealing, and straining at the ropes. Two men struggled to hold it as Nicolae laughed.

He jumped at the animal and slipped, the pig dodging him. “Want to play?” Nicolae howled. Then he leapt onto the pig’s back, sending the animal to its knees. For the next few seconds the pig tried to knock Nicolae off, but it was no use. Finally, Carpathia plunged his knife into the animal’s throat.

Nicolae fell to the ground, a flood of blood soaking his clothes. The pig went wild, thrashing and pulling its handlers. As the blood flow slowed, the pig fell and Nicolae cupped his hands under its neck. Lionel had to look away. The crying and wailing of the holy men reached a crescendo and one priest screamed, “He has thrown the animal’s blood on the altar!”

Sorry for the quote but there are times in which Ellanjay's own words speak so much more powerfully than any snark I could ever give. I have to remind you that Ellanjay intend for us to take this seriously, to see this scene as one of horror.

Sam wants to witness to the crowd, being all "They need to hear the truth." But he's drowned out by the crowd. Oh and I offer yet another quote as we hear more about Nicky's impeccable fashion sense.

Carpathia washed off the blood and dried himself. Someone off camera handed him the shimmering white robe, silver sash, and gold sandals he had worn the day before.

After getting dressed, he places his statue in the temple. The crowd goes nuts and a riot ensues. Nicky's all "I'm taking back my seven-year peace treaty" and Chaim tries to convert the crowd to the Tribbles' ethos of doing nothing.

Carpathia swung the microphone to his lips. “That is right! You will rue the day when you dared—” “
You!” Chaim roared and pointed at Nicolae. “You shall let God’s chosen ones depart before his curse is lifted, lest you face a worse plague in its place.”
“I have always been willing to listen to reasonable men,” Carpathia said. “I will be at the Knesset, available to negotiate or to answer honest inquiries from my subjects.”

I can't be the only one who notices that Nicky goes from being "Bwaah! Bwaah!" back to being Peacey McPeace-Peace within a few lines. That is grade-A bullshit.

The chapter ends with Chaim giving a wordier, much less cool version of Gandalf's "Fly you fools!" line as he tells them all how to get to Petra, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ANTICHRIST WHO'S DETERMINED TO KILL THEM ALL!

*Yeah, I'm exaggerating there but not by much.

If you're wondering about the title, it's because Nicky has become so cartoonishly evil, he might as well be named "Baddy McEvilpants."

It's Finally Here: The Epic Pig-Riding Scene

Oh man, oh man, oh man...y'know I'd heard about it but hearing about isn't really the same as reading it for yourself.

I'm talking, of course, about the pig-riding scene. Yes, dear readers, we're finally here.

Not much really happens at first, just Judd standing around and talking. Oh and Viv Ivins makes her first appearance.

But about the pig-riding...it is single-handedly the stupidest thing I'd ever heard, so stupid that it comes right around and becomes awesome. It's stupid-awesome. In fact, it's so stupidly awesome that I regret the book rushes through it. C'mon, Ellanjay, throw me a bone here! But still I feel the need to put appropriately epic music here.

Besides, the whole pig-riding thing just raises so many questions. They say the pig is drugged so it'll accept Nicky as a rider, but drugging animals from what I can see tends to make them trip out rather than suddenly become able to ride. But the biggest question is how the hell did he make a pig big enough to ride in the first place? I know pigs can grow to be really big, but I've never seen one the size of a mule or horse, with nostrils the size of one's fists. Pigs as a general rule are made for eating not for riding. So I have to know: how long has Nicky been planning the Epic Pig Ride? Did he have some kind of evil GMO organization that's devoted years to breeding a pig for this very purpose? Someone write fanfiction for this, because there are just too many unanswered questions begging for answers.

Judd watched in fascination and revulsion as the pig walked a few more steps and stopped. A leather saddle was fastened around its middle, complete with stirrups. The animal seemed woozy, unaware of the crowd’s whooping and yelling. Though GC handlers had scrubbed the pig clean, the stench almost took Judd’s breath away.

In addition to fanfiction, I really want fanart of this pig-riding scene. Put a little shriner's hat on Nicky and the pig. Words cannot convey just how rich this scene is. Though I've got to be pedantic here. If they've scrubbed the pig clean, there shouldn't be much of a stench. Despite their reputation, pigs are actually fairly clean animals, hygiene-wise. Yes, they wallow in mud but only because they have to cool off somehow (no sweat glands) and even baby pigs will have one spot where they make waste and they won't wallow in that.

“Why wouldn’t they use a horse?” Lionel said.
“He’s putting all religions in their place,” Sam said, “especially Jewish and Christian religions.”
“That’s right. Jews don’t eat pigs,” Lionel said. “And since Christianity comes out of the Jewish faith, Carpathia offends two groups with one ride.”

Yeah, I get how this is supposed to offend Jews (Don't eat Pork/Not Even with a Fork) but the only Christian sect in these novels liable to be offended are the Seventh Day Adventists. And isn't there another faith that considers pigs taboo, something that starts with Is and ends with lam? Or is this a repeat of the old rule that every other faith is just an attempt to deny that Jesus is Lord except for the Jews who will convert or die and burn in hell at the End of Days?

So Fortunado is still itchy and is all "Behold the Lamb that takes away the sins of the World!" And everyone is bowing before him save for our brave RTCs, of course. I'm surprised, given what cowards the Tribbles are, that they didn't just bow and say that in their hearts they bow to Jesus, like they usually do in these kinds of situations.

But Hattie Durham, not having sipped the flavor-aid, defies the Tribbles' ethos of doing nothing by doing something. She stands up and basically calls Nicky out.

“Woe unto you who would take the place of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” the woman continued. “You shall not prevail against the God of heaven!”

As you guessed, since Hattie is the great Butt Monkey of Babylon, it doesn't end well.

Hattie Durham didn’t have time to react. She burst into flames and Judd fell to the ground, shaking, screaming, scared out of his mind. Sam and Lionel huddled close, their eyes covered. Judd wondered if they would be next. Judd peeked at Hattie once more and saw fire engulfing her body. She seemed to melt in the white-hot heat, her body shrinking to the ground. The sun appeared again, chasing the darkness. A soft breeze blew Hattie over, and Judd noticed her shadow imprinted on the ground.

I have to give credit: not a bad scene here. It is hurt by the fact that Zod, in these novels, has already slain billions of people in much more gruesome ways than Nicky and remember Zod is supposed to be the hero of these novels. It's also hurt by the fact that of course, the Butt Monkey of Babylon would be the one actually martyred for the faith because we've gotta show how eeevil the bad guys are without letting anyone important really suffer.

Okay, confession time, there has been some stuff on Vicki's end. I've fast-forwarded through much of it, because compared with pig-riding it's really dull; all it is talking. Basically they talk about sending Manny (the guy who became a believer in prison) to deal with the whole Claudia subplot. That out of the way, onto the second chapter.

It's freaking dull with them talking about what we've already witnessed. But then, Nicky makes another speech.

“I was never entombed!” Carpathia began. “I lay in state for three days for the world to see. Someone was said to have risen from this spot, but where is he? Did you ever see him? If he was God, why is he not still here? Some would have you believe it was he behind the disappearances that so crippled our world. What kind of a God would do that?”

Raise your hand if, despite all the Bwaah! Bwaah! talk, Nicky's made more cogent points than the RTCs. Again, if Satan wants to recruit people for his war against Heaven, just say, "God's the one who took your children, killed people in earthquakes and repeated bombardments, poisoned your water, and stung you with locusts." Present proof and see what side more sane people would choose. Remember Zod and TurboJesus are supposed to be the heroes of this novel according to Ellanjay.

After Nicky's speech, people line up in droves to get Marked and bow before a golden statue of Nicky. And that's all that happens in the second chapter. To supplement this snark, I'll add a third one.

It turns out the reason Leon Fortunado is so itchy is not because of an STD, but because a plague of boils is breaking out on anyone who bows towards the statue or accepts the Mark.

But guess what? Yet another prophet has come, one calling himself Micah. :grinds teeth: Because the GT weren't irritating enough we've gotta suffer through a sequel appearance.

I'm going to assume just as the GT were supposed to be the literal Moses and Elijah, this is supposed to be the literal Micah as in the guy the book is named after. Something tells me the most famous verse of Micah won't be quoted by this prophet. For those of you who don't know the most famous verse, it's Micah 6:8.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

Hard to square that verse with TurboJesus isn't it? Since when have any of the characters ever walked humbly in their life? Certainly not St. Rayford or Our Buck. And TurboJesus doesn't seem to have much love for mercy. But then again, Micah, like most of the prophets was about Islamocommiefascist bullshit like the social gospel so we probably shouldn't pay too much attention to what his book actually says. Besides beating swords into plowshares would put Lockheed Martin and many others out of business.

The GC try to do the sensible thing and shot That Guy (I refuse to call him "Micah") but they are paralyzed and unable to.

Nicky approaches That Guy.

After one of Carpathia’s troops fell to the ground scratching and writhing in pain, Carpathia said, “I concede I have you to thank for the fact that nearly my entire workforce is suffering this morning.”
“Probably all of them,” Micah said.
“If they are not, you might want to check the authenticity of their marks.”
“How did you do it?”
“Not I, but God.”
“You are looking into the face of god,” Carpathia said.
“On the contrary, I fear God. I do not fear you.”

:grinds teeth even harder: I feel like Fred MacIntire* at the Hell House. Note how there's not a single word in here about love or anything approaching that. I know I keep using the abusive father analogy a lot but Ellanjay really give me no choice but to do so. I'm going to quote from John 10:11-17 as a palate cleanser.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. 13 The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. 17 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

Note how in this little parable Jesus is dishing out there's a difference between the good guy and the bad guy. In Ellanjay's fiction, the only difference between Jesus and Satan is that Satan tries to murder all his enemies but fails. Jesus succeeds.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Nicky's all "What would it take for 'God' to lift this spell?" That Guy responds by saying, "Let the Israelis go!" Nicky is all "Never!"

So That Guy decides to preach a sermon. I'm going to have ground my teeth into powder by the time this chapter's over, aren't I?

“Citizens!” Micah said in a clear voice. “Hear me! You who have not taken the mark of loyalty! There may still be time to choose to obey the one true and living God! While the evil ruler of this world promises peace, there is no peace! While he promises benevolence and prosperity, look at your world! Everyone who has preceded you in taking the mark and worshiping the image of the man of sin now suffers with grievous sores. That is your lot if you follow him.

Just as you can't have an anti-gun moral in a story where guns are used to solve all your problems, you can't proclaim God loves you when he's doing his damndest to prove otherwise! It just doesn't work that way!

That Guy does the "Sin separates you from God!" spiel and then quotes Ephesians 2:8-9, which is about how good works won't save you, conveniently leaving off verse 10 which says this:

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do

Funny how RTCs always seem to forget that little verse, isn't it?

That Guy then does something that makes me headdesk as oppose to grinding my teeth. He actually announces, in front of the anti-Christ himself, where the sacred city is so that Christians might find refuge. Of course, I know nothing will come of this because of the dense plot armor everyone wears but still.

Nicky then rants and raves some more but this snark is raising my blood pressure enough as is, so forgive me if I don't go into detail. For those of you curious, it's basically more Bwaah! Bwaah! talk. The only way Nicky could be more obviously evil would be if his head was spinning around and he was vomiting pea soup.

Nicky then asks this guy Daniel, whom I've completely forgotten about and thus don't care about, to shoot That Guy. Daniel refuses and Nicky shoots him and that's where I'll end the snark. Sorry to be so ranty and not funny but buttons were pushed.


*Another shameless plug: If you don't read the webcomic Something Positive, you really should. Yeah a lot of its humor is Black Humor, but it also manages to be surprisingly touching at times.

A Zod-botomy

This snark has been going for about four years, give or take, and I realize that not everyone of my readers can remember all the way back into the single-digit books. So in order to refresh everyone's memories, I'll give a little primer on Tom Fogarty by giving you a sampling of quotes.

For those who remember, Tom was one of the more clear-headed characters. Admittedly, this was probably unintentional given that Ellanjay suck at creating strawmen for their protagonists to knock over, but if you don't believe me, take a look at some of these quotes.

"I was raised in a church where I was taught that God was love, but also that if you died with one sin on your soul, you went to Hell. I couldn't make that compute. I quit the church as soon as I was old enough to make my own decisions. I still carried around in my head the belief that there was a God, but that he was a God of love. Not an angry judge, not a crabby parent. Not someone who would create a person and burn him up later."

Did I not tell you he was one of the more clear-headed characters? Unfortunately, in this week's snark, he will kneel before Zod, say The Prayer, and will promptly lose the shades of gray aspect to his character that makes him so appealing in the first place. But Ellanjay can't abide shades of gray.

Here's another quote, which touches on Theodicy aka Why is there evil in the world if God's supposed to be omnipotent?

"I quit thinking of God as someone who made sense. In fact, I don't know if I believe there is a God at all anymore. How could there be a God, in charge of everything, who would allow the things I've seen? People bludgeoned and mutilated, usually by someone they love and trust. I've seen parents murder their own children, children murder their own parents. I've seen people go through things that no one should ever have to endure. Where is the God in that?"

If you're wondering, Judd's answer to Tom's questions was basically "God left control up to Satan" or as Fred calls it "The Devil Made Me Do It" gospel.

And finally, one last quote from the single-digit books. Sorry to do so much past-quoting but I really liked Tom--not as much as I liked Taylor and Hasina, but still--and I wanted you to see the kind of person, soon to get lobotomized by Zod and become as cold and uncaring as everyone else in this series.

"I'm glad for you that you have something you believe in," Fogarty said. "If it works for you, fine. If it works for Josey, I'll be thrilled. Nobody that wonderful should have to go through what she's going through. It's been a long time since I've seen her come to life the way she did around you kids today. She rarely smiles anymore, but the way you saw her today, that's the way she used to be all the time. But parents aren't supposed to outlive their kids. It's too much to ask of a mother to have her children disappear. And it's happened all over the world. And you want to tell me the loving God of the universe did this on purpose? For what?"

Anyway, what happens in the first part is basically a car chase. Oh and Tom said The Prayer, which once again, I'm not going to bother to quote because it's identical to every other prayer. You gotta note that Tom, even though he had already prayed to God which indicates some belief in him, didn't get the Zod-mark until after he said The Prayer. And Ellanjay wonders why we accuse them of spell-casting!

Next section, we finally cut back to Judd. Judd decides to talk to Chang who's busy directing the mass exodus of believers who had infiltrated Nicky's organization. So it was more than just Our Buck and St. Rayford in the organization? Then why in the name of all that's holy did they not do a damn thing to slow Nicky down? Oh yeah, the gospel according to Ellanjay: Lie back and think of TurboJesus.

The operation is called Operation Eagle based off of a passage in Revelation 12. Let's take a look at their literal translation.

“It comes from a passage in Revelation 12. ‘She was given two wings like those of a great eagle. This allowed her to fly to a place prepared for her in the wilderness, where she would be cared for and protected from the dragon for a time, times, and half a time.’ Tsion believes the woman represents God’s chosen people. The two wings are land and air, and her place is Petra.”
“How long are people supposed to stay there?”
“Dr. Ben-Judah teaches that ‘a time’ is one year, so ‘a time, times, and half a time’ would be three and a half years of protection.”
“And the dragon is Nicolae?”
“Yes, Antichrist.”

Don't Ellanjay believe their reading of the Bible is the most correct one? Then please tell me, why do they take such an approach to Revelation 12? Could it be that maybe they realize that John was speaking in :gasp: :choke: symbols and metaphors? Of course, he probably was referring to Christians being persecuted by Nero and not talking about some indeterminate point in the future, but still. [/cranky English Major/amateur theologian]

Chang is still whining about The Mark and I feel like smacking him. Enough with this emo-shit already! But anyway, back to Vicki.

Vicki and the others are love-bombing Tom, when they receive another email from Claudia asking for help. In a rare show of intelligence, they decide to send a reply to her rather than make face-to-face contact, realizing that it might be an attempt to trap them.


Second chapter is, well, a lot of buildup to what I'm guessing is the infamous pig-riding scene. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to it. It sounds like a goldmine of snark.

Judd meets up with Lionel and Sam. Sam is bringing up meeting places where they can talk about Zod. In the book's own words, some are hidden but some are right out in the open. Picard facepalm Once again, Nicky fails basic villainy.

Judd walk around noting the tacky souvenirs (a detail which actually works) and the Orthodox Jews sneering. Once again, I wonder if Ellanjay have heard of :gasp: Reform Jews or any of the many different sects or do they think of them as a bearded collective, like the Borg except less sci-fi.

Most of the chapter is taken up with a newscast, which I will summarize. They talk about the plane crash and how no bodies were found. They believe the bodies were vaporized. Oh and Fortunado's all itchy. Apparently that's news. There's a new guy in charge of the Morale Monitors who now carry actual guns. And in an attempt to convince me that Nicky really is the most evil person on the planet, they have Lionel say this:

“This guy gets more evil every time I hear him. He’s telling his head guys how to kill anyone who opposes him. He wants people to suffer before they die. And even after they’ve been killed, he wants them beheaded as an example to others.”

So yeah, Lionel, you're shocked, shocked that Satan is using violence to deal with threats to his rule? What did you expect, tea and crumpets?

The next section consists of Darrion, who's also watching the news. According to the news, Pete, aka the guy that surrendered to save the rest of the group, spilled the beans about all sorts of stuff. But Mark's all "He's lying" because everyone knows Torture is Ineffective against Brave RTCs. They also receive another email from Claudia who has gone AWOL and is asking for help. She says she's prayed but she doesn't see the Zod-mark Token Jew mentioned.

And that's where I'll leave you this week. Sorry to have such a long post, but stuff needed to be quoted.

Fear is the Heart of Love, So I Never Went Back

There really isn't much going on in Israel. Lionel's just wandering around, thinking about how General Jew's house was burned down. If you're wondering General Jew got the guillotine but since I don't give a rat's ass about him, let's get to the real meat of the story which is on Vicki's end.

First of all, gotta warn you: this snark is going to have lots of quotes, because sometimes it's better to show you the wrongness rather than try to explain it.

First up, we get a rare description of scenery. It's quick, but it's rare that Ellanjay put any description into their work so I'm quoting.

As they drove closer to Josey’s home, Vicki studied the countryside west of Rockford. Some areas still showed the effects of the great earthquake. Trees and grass had been scorched by the plague of fire, and residents had done their best to try and bring back some of the beauty of the city.

This description might work if the Earth had just been hit by one earthquake, but there have been countless strikes by outer space objects and many earthquakes. The world should like the landscape of the book The Lorax by which I mean, the post-Truffala tree landscape. There should be no beauty whatsoever.

So we're finally meeting a character from the single-digit books. Ellanjay once again try to cover their asses by saying Vicki thought of Josey constantly, but this is the first time in a long time that she's been mentioned. But once again, we get some rare description as they describe Josey's appearance.

Vicki recalled first meeting the woman and being blown away by her simple beauty. Though Josey didn’t wear makeup, not even lipstick, her pale blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, trim figure, and huge, easy smile were striking. Now, only three years later, Josey appeared to have aged ten years. Her hair was tinged with gray, her face, cutely freckled before, was wrinkled. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. The woman was still trim, and Vicki couldn’t help thinking she looked gaunt.

Not bad description, save for the "cutely freckled" line. Though Vicki shouldn't be too surprised to see her looking gaunt and old; given the amount of disasters, everyone should look that way. [TANGENT] In fact since Wormwood has rendered all the water undrinkable, bathing and showering should be a thing of the past. Naturally Ellanjay never mention that because they never explore the aftereffects of the disasters they unleash on their characters. [/TANGENT]

Vicki and Josey start talking about Tom. Tom hasn't taken the mark and already I forsee the inevitable conversion, which is a shame: when we meet him later, he proves to be one of the most clear-headed characters in this story. I know that isn't saying much but still.

Tom still works for the GC but hasn't taken the Mark, even though all employees are being pressured to. According to Josey, Tom figured that this Jesus thing was just a phase his wife was going through, not an unreasonable assumption given that in her own words she had been into "crystals, channeling, astrology, and angels. You name it, I’d tried it. I’d hop from one to another as fast as some people switch channels on their TV."

According to Josey, Tom knows Nicky isn't what he claims to be (again, everyone else seems to naturally assume that there's no contradiction in being a warmongering pacifist) and that he'll keep Josey's secret. But as they're talking, Tom shows up.

Vicki lays out Cheryl's story--pregnant, wanting someone to take care of her child--in whole.

Finally, Josey spoke. “I didn’t tell you this, Vicki, but the doctors told me I would never have children again. A few weeks ago Tom and I were talking and I was trying to tell him how good God is, that he wants to help us. Tom brought up Ben and Brad—he always loved them even though they didn’t live with us—and said God was selfish and mean to take them.”

I've got to agree with Tom here. God slaughtered your sons--I'm fairly certain that's the definition of "selfish and mean."

Josey mentions that she had asked Tom repeatedly what it would take to get him to take home a shiny new Jesus today. Turns out his answer was give him a child.

Next chapter, Tom is being a bastion of sanity in this insane universe by continually refusing to take the bait both Vicki and his wife keep offering. Maybe "bastion" is a bit of an overstatement, but I take what precious few crumbs get thrown my way. As you probably guessed, since Ellanjay live in an echo chamber and have no idea what criticism sounds like, Tom's critique is pretty half-hearted.

Tom says he's not going to say what they want him to say just to get a baby out of the deal. Vicki's all "We'd know if you were doing that anyway." Then she says this headdesker of a statement.

Vicki stepped forward. “Mr. Fogarty, the Bible talks about people being blinded to the truth at this time of history. I don’t know how it works, but it’s clear there’s something supernatural going on that keeps people from believing what’s obvious.”

I haven't laughed this hard since Lionel blamed satanic forces for destroying their newspaper. I keep picturing little demons popping in and out of conversations, scrambling peoples' ears so that Jesus's name is never heard.

Tom's response is essentially mine.

“So I’ve been blinded by little demons running around? Or maybe by Satan himself? You expect me to buy that?”

Vicki's like "I'm not asking you to buy anything, just pray to God that he take the blinders off." And Tom decides to pray to God that he show him where he's wrong and what he needs to do about it.

Tom's partner shows up. After he leaves, Tom is all dejected because he lied to his partner and violated his trust. Yes, it really is as HO Yay rich as it sounds.

This bizarre "Lying is always wrong!" shtick makes me think of Buck trying to weasel his way out of Egypt because even though he's dealing with a Satanic NWO that's supposed to be a thousand times worse than Hitler or Pol Pot, apparently lying to them, even in order to save lives, is still wrong.

Tom told his partner that he was concerned about his wife and came home to check on her. His plan was to talk Josey into taking the Mark, but it's becoming clear to him that strategy isn't going to work.

So Vicki decides to pull up Token Jew's website and try to walk him through the old testament.

“I understand what you’re saying,” Tom said when Vicki was through. “I understood it when Josey explained it a long time ago. I’m just not sure I can believe in something just because it gets me to heaven. I don’t want to face any more of the judgments you talk about, but I don’t want you to scare me into a decision.”

Again, I commend Tom for refusing to give in. As 1 John 4:18 says

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Ellanjay's God is basically all about fear. In their eyes, the scriptures can be summed up as "Say the prayer or Daddy God will have no choice but to send you to burn forever."

Vicki's response:

“The point isn’t escaping judgments or not getting stung by some evil creature, it’s choosing to follow the true God. You have to decide whether you’re going to follow the one who gave his life to save you, or the one who threatens to cut off your head if you don’t follow him.”

Vicki neglects to mention that the "one who gave his life to save you" is also the "one who will torture you for all eternity unless you say The Prayer." I know y'all are sick and tired of the abusive father/spouse analogy but it's apt, dammit! Apt!

But in the midst of all this scripture reading, the GC come a knockin'. Apparently they're dragging every officer off to be marked. Tom tries to stall them by playing the "I have a sick wife and I want to take care of her" card but in a rare show of intelligence/cold-heartedness, the GC aren't buying this and the chapter ends with them saying "You've gotta go now!"

And that's it for this week. Thought about throwing in a third chapter in honor of Mother's Day but decided against it. In keeping with my recent trend of recommending entertainment, if you haven't seen The Wind Rises, go see it. The world will be a sadder place when Hayao Miyazaki is gone.