Those Cartoonishly Eeevil Muslims

So Judd and Lionel are riding with Sabir and though I hoped it would turn out that Sabir was a Palestinian Christian, turns out I was wrong. The book doesn't flat-out say it but judging by the backstory they give him, it's safe to assume that Sabir was one of those inscrutable muslimy Muslims.

But before we delve into Sabir's backstory, here's his parody of Z-Van's song. Weird Al, he ain't.

Hey, Carpathia, you’re not the risen king;
Hey, Carpathia, you don’t rule anything.
We’ll worship God until we die
And fight against you, Nicolae.
Hey, Carpathia, you’re not the risen king.

We also get this meditative passage from Judd. Given that it's rare that Judd demonstrates any kind of interior life, I feel a need to quote part of it.

As Sabir sang again, Judd thought about some of his old high school friends and how they had laughed together at television programs and movies. With the death and destruction in the world, that carefree spirit was gone. In fact, Judd couldn’t remember when he had laughed this hard. It wasn’t the humor in the words, but the tone of Sabir’s voice, his perfect imitation of Leon Fortunato, and the way he waved his arm over the steering wheel like he was leading a thousand-voice choir.

One of Judd’s favorite phrases, that always angered his father, was “Lighten up!” Judd recalled times when his father’s business wasn’t going well and his dad appeared weighed down with responsibilities. Now, Judd felt that same weight. He knew there would be a time when he could laugh freely again, and this brief chuckle was a taste of what was to come.

It's not great writing but given how rarely we get insight into Judd's thoughts, I'll allow it.

But anyway, back to Sabir's story.

Before becoming a believer, Sabir was, in his own words, a terrorist, who believed that God wanted him to kill as many Israelis as possible. The text doesn't go so far as to actually say that he was a Muslim, though it's clearly on the tip of their tongues. I kind of wonder why they wouldn't flat-out say he was a Muslim. Given that people of their politics love to opine on the evils committed in the name of Allah (while ignoring the evils committed in the name of Jesus), you'd think they'd leap at a chance to proclaim the wrongness of Islam. In short, WTF, Ellanjay? Being all coy about whether Sabir was a Muslim* doesn't make it more palatable to the readers; it makes it more confusing. I'd rather they just say it, then tiptoe around it. I like my bigotry open and honest, rather than using all these dog whistles. [/rant]

Sabir made bombs and helped plan suicide bombings. One of the suicide bombers was his own son and if you guessed that there's no sense of guilt for his son and all the people he led to their deaths (who are now in Hell for all eternity), you're clearly familiar with Ellanjay's tropes.

But with the help of his faithful wife and a vision from God himself, Sabir soon realized that he was following the wrong God of Abraham and with the help of a man named Ezra (whose family was killed in an attack planned by Sabir), he converts. Now I'll admit, that the whole thing with Ezra forgiving Sabir for killing his family was touching but it's spoiled by the fact that Ellanjay may talk a good game about forgiveness but they sure as heck don't follow it. Somehow they don't see the conflict between their TurboJesus and the Jesus of the Bible who prayed, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."

Meanwhile, Vicki has been brainstorming, trying to think of a good family to place Cheryl's baby with, when suddenly she remembers Josey Fogarty. For those of you wondering, who the hell is that, Josie was the wife of a cop named Tom and before she converted, she was into new age sort of stuff.

Next chapter, we're finally in Jerusalem. Judd calls Chang, who tells him what aunursa told me last week about the crash being a ruse. Also the tribbles have constructed a remote airstrip and refueling center under the GC's noses right in the Negev desert. Chang mentions them airlifting people to Petra, which I know is in Jordan. Fred's already gone on and on about how the people of Jordan (along with the other countries Israel's swallowed up) have disappeared so I won't get into that.

Vicki is traveling back to Colin's hideout, thinking about the note Claudia gave her. She writes a response to it, before receiving a phone call from Darrion. Bad news, Tom Fogarty is working for the GC. But those of you with good memories will recall that Tom is basically a good person, rejecting this whole "God's killing people in order to try to get your attention" spiel that Judd tried to sell him, but according to Ellanjay, you can't be good without God. I suspect it'll turn out that Tom will either convert or have been converted by Judd.

The chapter ends with Judd meeting up with Mr. Stein again.

I'll throw in a third chapter because all it that happens is talk. Vicki's trying to find out more about Tom Fogarty, y'know whether he can be trusted or not. Mr. Stein says this headdesker of a statement.

“First, we have to remember the truth about our enemy,” Mr. Stein said. “Satan is much more powerful than any human, but he is still a created being. He will deceive many in the coming days and even scare people into following him, but we must remember that our God is still in control. He will only allow this pretender to continue his charade for a limited time.”

Again, when you think about it, God is responsible for all the evil in this universe. He is letting Satan do all this and killing all these people for shits and giggles essentially. Okay, they claim it's to get people's attention but y'know what might work better. Rearranging the clouds or the stars to say "Tim LaHaye was right about everything and you should buy all his books."

“How are the Orthodox Jews and the Christ followers getting along?” Judd said.
“We are unified in our stand against Carpathia,” Mr. Stein said. “On spiritual matters we are far apart. But I am trusting in the God who is able to open blind eyes. We pray they will see that Jesus is truly their Messiah.”

Mr. Stein is basically praying that the Jews (Ellanjay seems to see them all as a collective like the Borg. Apparently there's no schisms or different sects whatsoever) stop being so inscrutable and Jewish. Given that God is basically doing all these disasters for the same reason...Basically God is Torquemada trying to exterminate convert the brutes!

Sam runs into this guy, I'm not sure if he's appeared before in either series, named Daniel Yossef (another Jewy McJew name). Sam tries to convert Daniel to the one true faith, but Daniel's all "If what you say is going to happen, happens, then I'll convert."

Oh and we get a brief mention of Sam's father. For those of you who don't recall, Sam's dad was with the GC and died a horrible unconverted death, which means he's in Hell. Naturally the thought doesn't cross Sam's mind.

Sam sighed. “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had tried to explain my faith in some other way. I picture my father and I telling others the truth about God, speaking to anyone who will listen. But that is only a dream.” Sam put a hand on Lionel’s shoulder.

“Reality is that I now have a heavenly Father and brothers and sisters in the faith who care about me.”

The chapter ends with Vicki talking with Josey, who says she'd love to meet up with them, and that's where I'll leave you.

*In Sabir's story, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre comes up. I wonder how Ellanjay would react if they knew that the keys to this most holy of sanctuaries, lies in the hands of one of those eeeevil unwashed Muslims. Here's Fred's post on it.

Telling us what They've Already Told Us

In addition to my annual watching of The Last Temptation of Christ, I also watched The Gospel Road for Easter. The Gospel Road is basically a Sunday School lesson as taught by Johnny Cash and while I'll admit it's not too dramatically compelling (my attention did wander), you could do a lot worse than have a Sunday School lesson taught by Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash was a man who knew suffering, after all. Still his version of Jesus, as an Aryan beatific hippie is a lot more interesting and probably closer to the truth than Ellanjay's TurboJesus. Bottom line: if you're a huge Johnny Cash fan, you might want to check it out. Me, I'd give it a three out of five.

It's certainly more compelling than the beginning of this chapter which involves the American Branch of the YTF recounting what had happened on their end to Judd. :massages temples: I suppose I should be grateful they didn't give the YTF a hive mind and make Judd
instantly know what happened thousands of miles away, but I'm not sure this is much better, with them wasting valuable paper telling Judd what the readers already witnessed. Then again, as Fred has put it, Ellanjay seem to subscribe to the sermon rule of "Tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you've told them" which doesn't make for good storytelling.

The conversation doesn't start to get interesting until one of them mentions to Judd that Vicki went on a date with Chad. If they're referring to what we witnessed in last week's snark, I'm not sure that counts as a date, but then again, Ellanjay probably consider two people of the opposite sex sitting side-by-side to be a date. Judd responds by getting all pissy about it, which considerably lowers his already rock-bottom attractiveness score in my eyes. He's also mad about them making decisions without him, but Shelly's like "Hello, you're thousands of miles away. We don't have the time to run every decision by you."

Next section is Vicki talking with Judd or in other words, more telling what they've already told us. After she hangs up, she gets mad at Shelly for mentioning Chad and I have to admit, I like the conversation between the two. It's nice when the writers let them act like teenage girls for a bit and this little bit of pettiness is just what a teenage girl would do.

When Vicki told her that Judd had mentioned Chad, Shelly threw up her hands. “I thought you’d appreciate me stirring up the competitive juices.”
Vicki frowned. “I don’t need anybody competing over me. We don’t have time for those games.”

Vicki then talks about Cheryl. Cheryl, as you would recall, is pregnant and Vicki thinks they should place the child with someone older who can better take care of it. You know who might want to have a say in this conversation? Cheryl, seeing as SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S PREGNANT!

Next section is a Judd section and there's really nothing notable about it. I just wanted to talk about so I'd have an excuse to post the lyrics to Z-Van's song.

Hail Carpathia, our lord and risen king;
Hail Carpathia, rules o’er everything.
We’ll worship him until we die;
He’s our beloved Nicolae.
Hail Carpathia, our lord and risen king.

Z-Van's a rock star, right? Can you picture these lyrics in a rock song? I don't see many rock songs with the word "o'er" in them.

Next section, Vicki and the American branch of the YTF receive an email from Claudia, aka Natalie's roommate. She's all "I didn't believe at first, but now I'm not sure." And the American YTF, for once not being rock-stupid, wonder if this is a trap. But Vicki's all "What if it isn't?" And that's one of the key problems with this series: it has an identity crisis. It wants to be a thriller, and in a thriller the truth must be protected and shared with only the right people, yet it also wants to fulfill Christ's command to make disciples of every nation, which requires sharing the truth with everyone. Needless to say this identity crisis leads to a confused muddle of a message, which might explain why the characters spend more time smirking about how they've got it all figured out than they do evangelizing.

Judd and Lionel are wandering the streets of Tel Aviv*. The streets are packed with people as we get closer and closer, I'm assuming, to the infamous pig-riding part. But as Judd is watching the crowd and listening to Nicky, he sees a GC plane crash and is all "NO!" because Mac McCullum was on board. This might have had some impact if Mac had actually had any kind of influence on the YTF, but your average reader of this book is going to be baffled as to why to care seeing as it's not like he played a major part. Yes, aunursa, I know he was more important in the adult books, but your average reader isn't going to have encyclopedic knowledge of the adult series.

Next chapter, the crowd's horrified by the fiery crash as are Judd and Lionel. They keep wondering why Mac crashed and whether it was sabotage. Me, I'm surprised they care so much given that Mac and the rest of them have just received a one-way ticket to Heaven, complete with Super Special Awesome Upgraded bodies.

Next section, Vicki talks with Jim, who is working as a double-agent despite the fact it should be past time for him to head for the hills. He says he hasn't heard anything about Pete and doesn't know anything about Claudia. We also get yet another clumsy ethnic name: Kruno Fulcire. Have fun playing "Guess the Supposed Ethnicity."

Next section, Judd and Lionel continue to do Exciting!Walking!Action. In the hands of a better writer, one that had some chops at description, we might be horrified and uneasy at all the military patrolling the streets, but given that this is Ellanjay...yeah.

We find out that the crash killed Mac, Abdullah Smith (He was formerly a Muslim, I think. Don't ask why the Anglo-Saxon last name with an Arabic first name), Hannah Palemoon (I'm told she's supposed to be Native American), and everyone's super-hacker, David Hassid, whom I will continue to call David Hayseed.

Z-Van is pissed off. He wants Judd and Lionel off the plane and wants to go back to Jerusalem. Me, once again, I wonder this: WHY, GIVEN THAT Z-VAN AND HIS ENTIRE CREW (minus Westin) HAVE THE MARK, WHY AREN'T JUDD AND LIONEL CURRENTLY BEING GUILLOTINED?! HE KNOWS THEY'RE RTCS; THEY'VE TOLD THEM, SO WHY?

The chapter ends with Vicki watching television and seeing the GC drag Pete from the bushes.

I'll throw in one more chapter as a treat. Vicki watches Pete witness to the people dragging him away. I suppose it should be all inspiring and all that, but why would a reporter shove a mike in the face of a traitor and ask if he has anything to say, thus giving him the opportunity to grandstand and all that?

Westin apologizes to Judd but promises that he'll find a way to get them back to the states. Oh and we also finally hear why Z-Van hasn't turned in Judd and Lionel.

Z-Van smirked. “I thought I could get you two to see the truth. I was going to make you GC poster children, you know, two kids who were once Judah-ites who did a 180. I was going to prove to everybody that people like you could be rehabilitated.”
“I guess there’s just no hope for us,” Judd said.
Z-Van clenched his teeth. “You’ll regret not turning. You’ll see how powerful His Excellency is in Jerusalem. I know what he’s going to do, and it’ll prove once and for all how wrong you are.”

I've said it before and I'll say it many more times before this series is finished: Good only triumphs because Evil is dumb.

Judd flees, but escapes without a hair on his RTC-head being harmed. He jumps into a taxi cab with Lionel that is being driven by a man named Sabir. Sabir is described as a Middle Eastern man with graying hair and glasses, a step up from the usual descriptions Ellanjay give. Once again, I'm going to assume that Sabir is a Palestinian Christian just to spite Ellanjay, who probably assume Middle Eastern=Palestinian and Palestinian=Muslim.

Cheryl and Vicki talk with Cheryl telling her story. Cheryl grew up in an orphanage which was closed after Zod slaughtered all the children under twelve. Later, she lived with some roommates and met this guy named Thomas. I'm going to assume that Thomas was the guy who knocked her up and left her. Thomas eventually abandons her and she winds up on the streets, surviving on soup kitchens and GC shelters. She got sent to the GC prison after getting caught stealing food and that's where she got saved.

Vicki finally asks her what she thinks about the baby. Cheryl says she's still confused but would be open to adoption. I can't help but note that an option which rhymes with smabortion hasn't been mentioned. I thought for sure it would be so Ellanjay could have an opportunity to sermonize against it, even though if she aborted her baby, it would get a one-way ticket to Heaven and be spared horrific suffering. In fact, Cheryl could get an abortion, then pray for God to forgive her, and be free and clear in God's eyes, right?

But fear not, the dreaded word isn't mentioned and that's where I'll leave you today.



*I must admit, I thought they were in New Babylon. I'm sorry if I've caused any confusion with that assumption.

God is responsible for everything bad in this universe (or Ellanjay are secretly Maltheists)

The section begins with Vicki waking up and hearing Cheryl vomiting. Now, I'm going to go ahead and spoil it for you: she's preggers. I figured it out beforehand because it's an old trope: any woman of child-bearing age shown vomiting, will inevitably turn out to be pregnant. That trope's so common to fiction that I'm not picking on Ellanjay for using it, just pointing it out.

After waking up, Vicki is introduced to a guy named Chad Harris, who recognizes her from when she crashed the gala broadcast. We'll eventually get his story aka his conversion in the second chapter, but in the mean time, there's a lot of talking. It turns out that they traced where Jim got the uniform for this whole half-assed Commander Blakely scam and the guy that gave it to him is in a lot of trouble. The guy isn't a believer and Jim, in a surprising show of compassion, doesn't want to let the guy hang, so Jim's considering turning himself in.

Then because this is an Ellanjay story and we can't go too long without a news broadcast or a telephone call or email, they turn on the news.

A picture showed several people standing in front of a fire, with what looked like a huge church in the background. Vicki inched closer and saw it was the Vatican.
“These are photos of Global Community officers destroying paintings, sculptures, icons, and even old Bibles,” Conrad said. “The directive came from Leon Fortunato himself.”
Mark shook his head. “That stuff is priceless.”
“A spokesman said they destroyed everything that paid tribute to the impotent God of the Bible,” Conrad said.
“Pretty soon they’re going to see he’s not so impotent,” Vicki said.

Now this is, I'll admit, a not a bad idea with the GC committing genuine evil (though you know the only evil part is they're destroying Christian artifacts. If it was a Hindu or Muslim or Buddhist shrine, they wouldn't care) but once again, they missed the mark on the motive. Calling God "impotent" after he's repeatedly slaughtered all sorts of civilians...yeah, a better thing for Leon to do would be to use it as a means of stirring up people against an enemy. Sort of like what Hitler did with Kristallnacht or all those Nazi book-burnings.

Judd is talking with Chang on the phone. Apparently he has his own quarters now so Chang no longer has to worry about his parents listening in. But given that the quarters are GC-owned and operated...yeah, Chang, I'm not sure you're really free and clear here. David Hayseed will soon be leaving (he's a believer and you know about the Mark thing) and his new boss will be :drumroll: A guy named Aurelio Figueroa. I have no idea what ethnicity they're trying for (it's clearly one of their half-assed attempts at a foreign name) nor do I know if he appears in the adult books. Though I'm sure aunursa will fill me in.

Then Judd hears Nicky over the line and for the sake of making this a little more amusing, I'm going to imagine his voice sounding like Daffy Duck. Because the dialogue is freaking terrible.

Judd heard several keyboard clicks, then the unmistakable voice of Nicolae Carpathia. “Now when I spoke the other day of a host of enforcers, I wanted you to gather that I meant the very core of my most loyal troops, the GCMM. They are already armed. I want them supported! I want them fully equipped! I want you to marry them with our munitions so their monitoring will have teeth. They should be respected and revered to the point of fear.”
“You want the citizenry afraid, sir?” another man said.
“Walter! No man need fear me who loves and worships me. You know that.”
“I do, sir.”
“If any man, woman, young person, or child has reason to feel guilty when encountering a member of the Global Community Morale Monitoring Force, then yes, I want them shaking in their boots!”

You can also picture Nicky speaking in the Monty Python Spanish Inquisition voice. Whatever helps you get through this.

The guy Nicky's talking to is named Walter Moon. He's the new supreme commander and the proud owner of one of the few normal names in this series.

The chapter ends with a Vicki section. Vicki talks with Jim who tells her the sad news: Natalie is dead after refusing the Mark. Me, I'm glad because that's one less character for me to keep track of and berate for their stupidity. Also, Jim plans to turn himself in to save that guy I mentioned earlier. Like I said it's a rare show of compassion but really the Tribbles should be lining up for martyrdom. After all, death's a win-win situation in this series. The characters have received absolute proof of God and the afterlife so why not? The only answer to that question is, "Because Ellanjay need some characters to be alive in order to passively witness what's about to happen."

Next chapter, begins with Vicki grieving. It's not too badly written; again, I applaud the moments when Ellanjay actually allow the characters to feel something.

“God, I don’t know why you let this happen. You saved people before, you helped us get out safely, but you let Natalie die. Why? I don’t understand.”
Vicki buried her face in her pillow and wept. She wanted to blame someone for Natalie’s death, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that the girl had died because of Vicki’s choices.

Meanwhile, Judd and Lionel talk with Westin basically saying since Z-Van's taken the Mark, you better get out of there. Westin admits that he'd always suspected that his time with Z-Van would be short. We then get a little bit of a moral quandary.

Westin frowned again. “Is it wrong to take an airplane like this?”
“You mean steal it?” Judd said.
Westin nodded. “We could really use this thing for the Young Trib Force.”
Lionel sighed. “Maybe if we were running for our lives, but I don’t like just stealing the plane because it’s here. God can take care of us some other way.”

Uh, Lionel, let me break it to you: you are currently running for your lives. Don't you remember, Satanic NWO government? Then again, what's stopping Nicky from just shooting them out of the sky as soon as the plane is reported stolen, so maybe Lionel's onto something.

Westin says they can stay on the plane while they await their trip to Israel and offers to set up a conference with the YTF in America.

Speaking of America, Vicki is told by Shelly that Cheryl is preggers :highfive: and finds out about the latest problem. Apparently they've been hiding out at the homes of some believers but said believers are like "We can't afford to hide you forever. It'll attract too much attention."

Chad decides to take Vicki out for a ride and we get this completely inappropriate scene. No, nothing happens between them, just bear with me.

He drove over a narrow path that led into a burnedout thicket of trees and bushes. The cool wind felt good and the air was fresh on Vicki’s face. Chad seemed to drive like he had traveled the path a thousand times before. He stopped at the edge of the charred trees and pointed to the crest of a hill. Three deer stood at the top, feeding on grass. They glanced toward the motorcycle, then continued eating.
“The plague of fire destroyed a lot of forests and homes around here, but you can still see the beauty God created if you look hard enough.”
“I’d almost forgotten how pretty things can be.”

The writers seem to have forgotten a few things: first of all, all the water is rotten so what exactly is the deer drinking. And most importantly, THE GOD YOU SERVE SENT THE PLAGUE OF FIRE THAT DESTROYED ALL THE STUFF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Vicki talks about Natalie, how she feels responsible for her death, and Chad tells her that it's not her fault. He also gives this headbanger of advice.

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s that God has a purpose for things. Everything fits together like a puzzle, but we’re looking at it from a human angle. All we can see are missing pieces. He sees the big picture and knows how it all fits.”

Yeah, this might work if we weren't in a series where GOD WAS ACTIVELY CAUSING ALL THE DISASTERS THAT BEFALL HIS PEOPLE!

Chad decides to tell his conversion story. Apparently he was like Judd, in that he thought himself too cool for God because that's the only reason people decide not to say The Prayer. The night of the Rapture, he was out with his teammates (Chad's a baseball player). One of them, Kyle Eastman, tries to convert him but he pretends not to hear him. Kyle disappears while driving and the book ignores that Chad was nearly unable to say The Prayer (he was in the car with Kyle). Eventually Chad found Token Jew's website and said The Prayer and that's where the story ends.

Chad then basically makes a pass at Vicki. Don't believe me? Here's the dialogue:

Vicki loved hearing these kinds of stories. She told what had happened to her family and Chad listened closely.
When Vicki yawned an hour later, Chad scooted closer. “I’ll get you back to the house, but I need to say something. I know I’m being
bold, but the way I see it, we only have about three and a half years before Christ comes back. I’d like to get to know you better.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Shelly said you had a boyfriend but that he’s away.”
“He’s not really my boyfriend. We’ve known each other since the disappearances, but I don’t know where our relationship is going.”

It's been three and a half years as they said so I'm going to assume Vicki's no longer statutory, which makes this dialogue less creepy. Still kind of creepy, since we don't know exactly how old Chad is, but still. I'll take what I can get.

Anyway, that's the snark for this week. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope y'all enjoy Easter or at least the nice spring weather. Me, I'm going to do what I do every Holy Saturday: watch The Last Temptation of Christ. I know it was controversial but it's a deeply reverent film about Christ--it has great respect for who he was and what that means. It's a nice palate cleanser after Ellanjay's brand of theology.

Boring Self-Sacrifice

The next two chapters are primarily action scenes. :groan: But to give Ellanjay a little credit, they do actually have one of the characters get hurt. Naturally it's not Vicki or Judd or Lionel but it's a start. I find myself desperate for whatever bones Ellanjay throw my way.

Okay so apparently the GC have stopped inhaling the Stupid Gas or whatever they're on, because the chapter begins with the Deputy Commander catching Natalie at his computer. For once, he actually asks some intelligent questions and isn't satisfied with Natalie's weaksauce answers. The section ends with her being hauled off in handcuffs.

Vicki's group is still at the prison, rounding up all the believers. They load up all the prisoners and are getting ready to drive off when they notice the GC coming right at them. Colin floors it as gunshots ring out. But they're being pursued by the GC. In the process, Pete is shot in the arm.

The chapter ends with Natalie in her cell, recounting her history (how she became an RTC) for our benefit.

Second chapter, Vicki and the others are still fleeing. They decide to hide out at a storage facility, but the section ends with Vicki and the others hearing the sound of helicopters. Believe me, it's as boring to type as it is to read.

Natalie tries to convert her former roommate but her roommate refuses to take the bait. The section ends with her beginning to give her testimony to the Deputy Commander, finally doing what the RTC characters in this book should be doing: witnessing to everyone they can.

Vicki and the others are debating what to do about the van. Colin wants to tell the man at the front desk to drive it off for them, but Vicki points out that then the GC would be after him. Colin's like "So what should we do then?" Vicki decides to go to the front desk and talk to him. Turns out the man has a wife and a baby which makes Vicki even more hesitant to just use him for their purposes.

Natalie is being questioned about the whereabouts of Token Jew. Naturally it's a pretty weaksauce interrogation scene. C'mon, Ellanjay, this is a Satanic NWO. I doubt they'd have any moral qualms about torturing a confession out of someone. But then again, we've already established that torture doesn't work against brave RTCs.

Meanwhile, the GC is closing in on Vicki in what would be a tense scene except that nothing good or bad can happen to the characters. Pete decides to turn himself in, in order to protect their group and the man in the office. In any other work of fiction, it would be a great dramatic moment, a character sacrificing themselves to save others, but like I said since nothing can happen to these characters...Yeah, I'm going to post an example of a character sacrificing themselves to save others done right.

I've decided to throw in a third chapter for my snark.

Vicki watches as Pete heads in the direction of the GC and the rest of the YTF discuss what to do next. They've decided to give the man in the office a link to the Cube (the program that walks you through Ellanjay theology). Vicki protests, saying he doesn't know how to pray, which in this universe, where prayer is akin to spell-casting, is important. But Mark put a link on the note so everything's okay. Something tells me, if we see this guy again, he'll turn out to be a grateful RTC.

Vicki is still shaken up by Pete's sacrifice and decides to read the note he'd given her.

Dear Vicki,
Forgive my shaky handwriting. I agree with what you said about that guy in the office. We shouldn’t use others who aren’t believers just to keep ourselves safe. We’re here to reach out to people who don’t know God.
That’s why I’m leaving with the van. I don’t know if I’ll escape, but know this. No matter what happens, I’ll be waiting for you kids on the other side.
Vicki, I want you to know, if I ever had a daughter, I’d want her to be just like you. If your parents can see you from heaven, I know they’re looking on with pride. God has planned something special for you. I know that.
I’d better stop writing because the people are almost here to pick you up.
I love you, Vicki. Tell Judd, Mark, Lionel, and all the others that I feel the same about them. Stay steady. Trust God. Celebrate him with abandon every day and never stop telling the truth. Remember, God wins in the end, so we’re fighting a defeated enemy.
Pete

I'll admit: it's not a bad bit of writing, though I wonder where he found the time to dash off this letter in the midst of all the chaos.

Next section, after so much action with Vicki, we finally get to hear from Judd again. What's Judd doing? What all brave RTCs should be doing in a time of crisis: bravely searching the web.

First he reads an email from, you know him and love to make fun of him, Our Burk Williams, who talks about witnessing the believers in Ptolemais, Greece. Judd then reads a note from Token Jew. There isn't much to it, just him suggesting that everyone read Revelation 20:4.

I saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony about Jesus and because of the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its mark on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years.

He receives a phone call from Chang. Chang won't shut up about his mark, but he's also worried for his parents and his sister. Judd starts to worry for Chang being alone serving the anti-Christ in New Babylon and that's where I'll leave you for this week.

Once More But with Feeling

Hello and Happy Saturday everyone! Let's see what we've got to look forward to this week.

Judd hears about how Z-Van has taken the mark. Lionel asks whether it's really safe to travel with Z-Van, but Judd, given that Lionel's currently holding the YTF's single braincell, gives this headdesker of a response.

“I don’t know that the mark means he’s under any special mind control. He’s just made his final decision.”

And that final decision means he's sworn allegiance to the father of all lies aka Satan. And given his allegiance, along with the fact that you flat-out told him in the last book that you're followers of Token Jew, WHY IN ANY DEITY'S NAME ARE YOU GUYS NOT CURRENTLY GETTING YOUR HEADS CHOPPED OFF!

I mean, there's stupid and there's Ellanjay's particular brand of stupid.

Judd also states that he wants to be in Israel when Nicky comes to the temple. Why? Because the authors need someone to be there to witness it all go down because that's all the protagonists of an Ellanjay novel are allowed to do. I'm assuming we're getting close to the pig-riding scene. I for one am breathless in anticipation.

Judd goes to meet with Chang. Chang is like "Look at what they've done to me!" and he and Judd talk. Also apparently they have heard of that verse from Romans but apparently don't see the contradiction between it and the whole "getting the Mark damns you forever" shtick, cause they quote part of it in one of Chang's responses.

“The Bible says nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. God says we’re hidden in the hollow of his hand and that no one can pluck us out. But it also says those who take the mark will be separated from God forever.”

HOW IS IT THAT THEY DON'T SEE THE CONTRADICTION?

Okay, the all-caps was a little much. I'm going to calm down and quote Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Anyway then Chang talks about being bi-loyal: able to live among the Satanists but also be a faithful follower of Token Jew.

Meanwhile, Vicki and the others are working on their Great Escape and yes, I'm calling it that just so I have an excuse to post that link, because really the escape is terrible. It could be foiled by your average five-year-old.

Basically Colin is going to pose again as Commander Blakely and take Vicki inside as a prisoner. Why is Vicki going inside? To his credit, Colin has his doubts.

When they were finished, Colin looked at Vicki. “I’m not comfortable taking you inside the facility. I’ll go in alone as Commander Blakely and take my chances.”
Vicki shook her head. “I can get inside, identify all the believers, and get out.Plus I can tell them what’s going on. It’ll lend credibility to your story.”
“If something goes wrong …”
“You won’t be able to get me out. But it’s the same for you. I don’t want to have to go back to Wisconsin and tell your wife we let you die here.”

Next chapter, apparently Vicki is posing as a Token Jew follower-turned-rat, which should immediately raise the guards' suspicions because there's no such thing as a Christian turning traitor to save their own skin. It's unpossible!

There's a lot of Exposition! about the guillotines mostly about how there's a lot of resistance in the United Asian States. Also they've arrested and killed a bunch of believers from Greece but given that we don't know anything about them, it barely registers.

Vicki comes across some believers trying to convert a girl named Cheryl and decides to take a stab. I can't help but note that so far her conversion record is better that Judd's but then again that's because Vicki actually tries to convert people while Judd just thinks about it.

So Vicki leads Cheryl through The Prayer but in a surprise move, nothing happens. Usually when The Prayer is uttered it equals instant convert, but this time it doesn't work.

Vicki glanced at Cheryl’s forehead, but there was no mark of the believer. “You still have questions?”
“How did you know?”
Vicki smiled. “It’s written on your face.”

A yes, that filthy whore and her stupid questions what with wanting to know how this all ties into a God of Love and all that. Vicki just smiles, knowing that soon Cheryl will be roasting on a spit.

I'm guessing Ellanjay put that little thing in there as an attempt to prove that The Prayer isn't spell-casting but it totally is. God wants to save you but his hands are totally tied unless you utter The Prayer with the right sort of sincerity. But if you do it with the right amount of sincerity, you can circumvent His plans to see you burn. So basically it's spell-casting, just a very inefficient form of it.

So Vicki walks around pointing out believers, thus saving them from the GC, and condemning all the others to Hell. But that's callous, you say? Well don't worry; according to the text, Vicki feels really bad about it. Not bad enough to witness to them like she did with Cheryl but still bad.

Oh and the chapter ends with the shocking reveal: Cheryl converted. Woo...Guess they didn't want the readers asking too many questions regarding her fate.

Terrible Handbooks

With this week, once again, Ellanjay try to create some tension about "OMG! Will Vicki make it?!" but as we all know, it fails miserably just like all the times before, because Ellanjay can't bear to have actual lasting harm come to their characters. Once again, I pity the RTC kids who got stuck with these books.

It is my understanding that people of Ellanjay's ilk tend to believe that the Rapture will happen within their lifetime and that these books are meant to serve as fictionalized handbooks for those left behind. In which case, Ellanjay do their readers a great disservice. There is nothing in here that would serve to help them should an evil dictatorship take over. Better to read The Hiding Place or even the first six chapters of Daniel (which Fred has already mentioned that they ignore).

Vicki's all "Why are we turning?" but Mark's like "Jim told us it was a good idea." I wish it would turn out that Jim was stringing them along, but I know it can't because it's already established that Jim has the Zod-mark so he can't be evil. Because Christians are never evil even though the vast majority of the Nazis identified as Christians. Yeah, I know I just invoked Godwin's Law here. Hopefully, it wasn't unnecessary.

Meanwhile, Judd and Lionel meet with Westin and they discuss Chang. Lionel wonders if Chang's a plant by the GC, but Judd believes there's more to the story: after all, Chang has the Zod-mark and you can't have that and be evil, like I said before.

Vicki goes to confront the truck tailing them but it turns out that the truck is being driven by Pete. For those of you wondering, "Who the Hell is that?" Pete's a trucker that Judd befriended following the Wrath of the Lambquake, but then again, all you really need to know about his character is that he's a believer. That tells you everything.

Pete tells Vicki he's been driving for Chloe's Co-Op and that he and a bunch of other believers are the ones responsible for diverting and destroying shipments of guillotines. Apparently Pete hasn't been as well-versed in the Tribbles ethos of doing nothing, because when questioned about stealing GC property, he gives this response:

“I guess you could call it that. I know some people might think it’s wrong, but I figure the only reason these contraptions exist is to kill believers. If I can do something to stop it, I will.”

Strangely enough, none of the YTF actually call him on this. I guess the "Do Nothing" ethos doesn't apply to characters that have been off-screen for 90% of the series.

The section ends with Ellanjay trying to set up the inevitable Vicki/Judd ship.

“No, what about Judd and you?”
Shelly rolled her eyes. “She doesn’t think anybody knows.”
Pete laughed. “Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see you two were meant for each other.”
Vicki blushed. “This isn’t anybody’s business.”
Pete playfully socked her shoulder. “When it’s my sister, it’s my business, you get me? You can deny it all you want, but just the way you’re reacting now tells me a lot.”
Vicki smiled. “Can we change the subject?”

Frankly given how boring and useless both Judd and Vicki are, it's safe to say that they deserve each other.

The chapter ends with Judd and Lionel finding out that Z-Van plans on taking the Mark. Shocker, I know.

Next chapter, Lionel follows Z-Van as he goes to get his mark, bravely demonstrating brave Christian witness by bravely saying nothing about how taking the mark damns you for all eternity. I know they've already tried to convert Z-Van but you'd think the brave martyrrific thing to do would be to try and try until they haul you off to the guillotine. Oh and Roy Donaldson makes another appearance. He's all keyed up to meet both Nicky (who will be present at Z-Van's marking) and Z-Van.

I keep digging around online trying to find out more about Roy Donaldson. Frankly he's made too many appearances to be just written off. I suspect either we'll have his conversion scene or he'll take the Mark. If the second one comes to pass, I'll feel a little sad because Roy so far has been nothing but a decent person to our heroes. But then again, according to Ellanjay, being good is meaningless unless you say The Prayer. After you've said the prayer, you can go on being the same person you were before then, but until you do, you're a hardened reprobate deserving of hellfire and damnation.

Meanwhile, it turns out that those believers Vicki wanted to rescue have already been taken into GC custody. But fear not! Our heroes have a plan.

Colin outlined the plan and everyone received their assignments. Pete would deliver the injector machines after dark that evening, while the others cut a hole in the fence outside the camp. Jim Dekker would put an order in from the fictitious Commander Blakely that all suspected Judah-ites be separated and left outside overnight. That would give the kids a chance to get their friends’ attention and free them. “Plus we don’t have to set foot inside the camp,” Colin said.

If you can't see several things wrong with this plan...Sorry I don't know how to properly portray just how dumb an idea this is. Whether it's dumber than Buck's plan to get Token Jew to Egypt is your call.

But there's a hitch in their plan. Turns out the place already has a guillotine and is just waiting on the injectors, which means that the YTF will have to go in earlier than expected. I suppose I should be grateful that they aren't just shrugging their shoulders and saying, "Well they're already believers so they'll go to Heaven so who cares if they die," but I'm not.

Vicki's section ends with Colin saying, "We need a decoy."

Next section, we get exciting reading action with Judd reading an email from Token Jew. Part of me keeps wondering if I should start a poll: Who is worse, Bruce "Useless" Barnes or Token Jew? Me, if forced to choose, I would have to give the edge to Token Jew. Not only does he make more appearances that Bruce "Useless" Barnes, but Token Jew manages to be a caricature of a culture that's already suffered more than enough persecution in its long history.

Anyway, Token Jew says not to fight Nicky and even Judd is like "WTF?" in response.

So, as worthy and noble a goal as it is to go on the offensive against the evil one, I believe we can do that most effectively by focusing on persuading the undecided to come to faith. Knowing that every day could be our last, that we could be found out and dragged to a mark application center, there to make our decision to die for the sake of Christ, we must be more urgent
about our task than ever.

That would be a noble task--preaching from the rooftops--that is if we ever saw the characters do that. So far, Judd has had ample chances to do so, but has wussed out every time. Something tells me the characters in the adult books don't do much better at this "Try to Convert the Heathens!" bit than the kids.

But Token Jew has good news. Wanna hear it?

I have good news for you. The Bible tells us that once one is either sealed by God as a believer or accepts the mark of loyalty to Antichrist, this is a once-and-for-all choice. … That tells me that somehow, when we face the ultimate test, God miraculously overcomes our evil, selfish flesh and gives us the grace and courage to make the right decision in spite of ourselves. My interpretation of this is that we will be unable to deny Jesus, unable to even choose the mark that would temporarily save our lives.

I'm reminded of that quote by Fred Clark that I posted last week about the appeal of martyr stories, how they reduce the hard struggle of Christian living down to a one question pass-or-fail test. It seems apt here, but since I posted it last week, I'm not going to post it again.

After reading Token Jew's epistle, Judd gets an email from Chang asking him to come meet him. Judd, not being completely rock-stupid, wonders whether it's such a smart idea and wonders what the Mark will do to Chang's soul.

The chapter ends with Lionel witnessing Z-Van take the Mark and if you're wondering, yes, he does bravely refuse to give Christian witness, knowing fully well that Z-Van's now damned for all eternity.

Lionel wanted to scream and tell Z-Van not to take the mark, not to sell his soul to the devil, but Lionel knew he was helpless. Z-Van stood spellbound by this enemy of God.

The chapter ends with Nicky turning towards the camera and saying "Who's next?"

Nothing Separates Us from God

If any of my readers suffer from some kind of delicate heart condition that is triggered by the slightest excitement, fear not. Nothing happens in the first two chapters. I know I promised to stop complaining about boredom, but I still find myself amazed that after ending the previous book with a beheading, they don't even bother to ramp up the tension any more. I pity the poor RTC kids who got stuck reading these books.

Vicki is hanging out in the hideout, listening to the radio which recounts what we already witnessed with Zeke getting beheaded. This of course gets Vicki to wondering if she'd have the courage to die for her beliefs. Me, this little discussion makes me think of one of my favorite Left Behind posts by Fred: Martyr Envy

To quote Fred:

And here we come to the vicarious appeal of these books for American evangelicals. The perilous Tribulation that Bruce Barnes describes is frightening, yes, but at least it’s not as dull as the uninspiring sit-around-and-wait, do-nothing existence they’ve come to believe is their lot in life here in history.

Here in Left Behind they can reimagine the Christian life as an exciting adventure. It’s similar to the speakers we had on youth group retreats back in high school. They would tell these thrilling stories of Christians who were persecuted for their faith — first century believers or 20th-century Christians in China or behind the Iron Curtain. The stories would reach a crescendo where the persecuted faithful were forced to choose between denying their faith and certain death. “What would you do?” the speakers would ask. And then, with every head bowed and every eye closed, we were given the opportunity to come forward yet again to re-re-dedicate our lives to Christ.

I don’t know whether those speakers realized the secret envy we had when listening to those stories. The lives of those martyrs seemed so much more exciting and meaningful than our own did. Plus there was something weirdly appealing about a one-time, one-question, pass-fail test in place of the tedious day-after-day. In our imaginations, at least, the martyr’s egress sounded almost easier than the pilgrim’s progress (as somebody once said, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.) We imagined that, like the grandmother in Flannery O’Connor’s “A Good Man Is Hard to Find,” we could’ve been good kids if it had been somebody there to shoot us every minute of our lives.

Sorry for the bigass quote but Fred sums up the appeal of these stories so well that any attempt on my part feels lacking in comparison.

Plus, Ellanjay also forget that the deck is stacked for the characters in these books: they have seen irrefutable proof of God's hand at work. Most of his readers will have to go their entire lives without seeing something as awe-inspiring as God swatting aside nukes. Of course, maybe Bizarro-God took his place because ever since, He can't seem to witness to the people of Earth without killing them horribly.

Next section, well apparently Lionel is back from outer space or wherever the hell he's been these past few chapters because we finally hear from his perspective again. I'm guessing with Ryan dead, someone has to be the series' Butt Monkey. I'm surprised it wasn't Vicki given that she's a girl with girl parts, but then again she is identical to mini-Rayford aka Judd, so much so that I sometimes think of her as Judd-with-Boobs.

I have to admit: the Lionel section is fairly decent. Ellanjay actually eases off the narrative gas and allows Lionel some time to ruminate and think about his slaughtered family. It also contains an attempt at an Author's Saving Throw with Ellanjay trying to convince us that our protagonists are totally suffering even though so far their plot armor doesn't have so much as a single dent in it.

Lionel missed his dad more than he wanted to admit. They had missed so many things. With each birthday or holiday, Lionel ached for some kind of celebration, a cake, or some presents. But the truth was, the kids didn’t have time for things like that. Life was a constant struggle.

Natalie talks with Vicki basically again recounting stuff we already know about how the mark will damn you forever. I have to admit that I don't normally agree with Paul, that old Misogynist, but I feel that this verse, Romans 8:38-39, is apropos:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

In other words, I fail to see how Ellanjay's "The mark will totally damn you for all eternity!" thing lines up with the Bible. I'd ask but they'd probably only reply with something about how the devil can quote scripture to suit its own ends, which is a paraphrase from Shakespeare, not the Bible.

Natalie says that first all the prisoners would be marked but then the GC employees will have to go through with it, leaving her to wonder what to do. My response: Either witness until they drag you off and guillotine you (which is what a true martyr like St. Stephen would do) or head for the hills. It's not a hard decision to make.

The chapter ends with Vicki receiving a message from someone named Kelly Bradshaw asking for help. Once again, I ask why is it that it couldn't be the GC pretending to be an RTC in need of assistance in order to bait them? Is there some law in the Satanic New World Order that forbids lying even in order to capture enemies of the state?

Next chapter, well, Judd and Lionel get tired of waiting and go to Chang's parents' apartment to ask about him. They find out that Chang's been drugged and dragged off to get the mark. They're like "We've gotta save him!" and Judd calls on the help of that peacekeeper, Roy Donaldson. For those of you wondering, Roy is that perfectly nice guy whom Judd was too much of a coward to witness to in a previous chapter.

Roy tells him that Chang already got the mark and the Judd-Lionel section ends with this conversation.

Judd shook his head and glanced at the employees waiting to seal their fates. They were like sheep being led to the slaughter, and they didn’t even know it.
Judd thanked Roy, and the Peacekeeper walked away clutching Z-Van’s autograph.
Lionel sat down hard on a bench. “I don’t get it. Tsion said God would give believers the strength they needed to resist taking the mark.”
“Maybe it’s not real,” Judd said.
“Maybe Chang came up with a fake that convinced everybody.”
“Maybe. But there’s another possibility.”
“What’s that?”
“Maybe Chang is fake himself.”

Nice to know that the YTF isn't completely rock-stupid in that they considered the possibility that all this talk about being opposed to the GC and in love with God was a façade. But I'm still confused in that didn't they explicitly say earlier that Chang was drugged? So why the sudden attitude, Judd?

The chapter ends with Vicki meeting up with Jim again and they start discussing plans. We're on yet another road trip as the YTF head towards Iowa to rescue some believers. We do find out that apparently our brave double agents have actually done some double-agent stuff. It's small but I feel like celebrating every time the Tribbles do something smart.

“How do we know they haven’t already applied the mark?” Vicki said.
Colin shook his head. “Jim and Natalie diverted a shipment of injector machines. They were going to do the same thing to the guillotines, but for some reason ship- ments have been delayed in North Carolina, Florida, Iowa, and Tennessee. We don’t have any idea why.”

Vicki puts on a GC uniform and actually demonstrates some compassion by wondering what happened to the girl who previously wore it. The answer is, of course, that Zod killed her, but Vicki doesn't take her train of thought that far. We also get this slightly (by Ellanjay standards) racy passage with her thinking about Judd.

When Vicki had prayed for all the names and faces she could think of, she thought of Judd. She always kept him last. Sometimes she fell asleep praying for him and thinking of what he might be doing. She wondered if he missed her as much as she missed him. There were nights when she would dream of Judd standing up to Carpathia or telling strangers about God. Once she dreamed about his speech in front of Leon Fortunato at Nicolae High, and she woke up in a cold sweat.

Good heavens, Vicki! Next you'll be showing those ankles of yours at the next cotillion.

Pity, Vicki's images of Judd don't match up to the reality: that he's a scared little coward who talks big but lacks the nerve to do any actual witness. About the only thing in that passage that's accurate is that he did do a speech at graduation in front of Leon Fortunado, but since nothing happened to him (he was expelled and forbidden from attending college, but other than that, nothing), it's not really as brave martyrrific material as they make it out to be.

The chapter ends with Vicki also quoting from Paul. Her quote though is from a letter more popular with RTCs, Ephesians, if you're wondering, and yes, it's chapter six, more specifically the part about doing battle with wicked forces and putting on the armor of God. For some reason those verses are so much more popular than all that stuff about turning and offering the other cheek. I wonder why.

But then Vicki, in the middle of her reverie, notices that Jim is turning onto another road, and that's where I'll leave you for this week. Feel free to tell me in the comments section how I'm totally full of it. Or you can praise me as a genius, whatever appeals to you.