It's Okay to Disobey Authority, so Long as it's Brown-skinned.

Well so far, at least at the beginning, there's still some of that good writing around. My theory: as the series wore on, Ellanjay, who always have about a dozen projects they're currently half-assing, decided to just let things be and didn't pay too much attention to the writing of LB: the kids. Though I still think roofies were involved somehow.

Anyway, the kids at the schoolhouse rock! Vicki and her fellow RTCs are actually demonstrating basic hospitality by taking care of Melinda. I know Ellanjay probably only see this as a means to a possible conversion, but kids, if you're reading this, this is what you should be doing as a means of demonstrating hospitality as opposed to being Assholes for Christ.

Not only is Vicki and the others trying to treat Melinda's frostbitten toes,but Vicki stays with her, giving her aspirin, and holding her when she moans, until her toes start to look a little better. It's really sad when I feel like throwing a Mardi Gras-style bacchanalia when the characters act like compassionate humans.

But there are signs that some of Ellanjay's "RTCs are good/everyone else is full of concentrated evil" philosophy seeping through. After taking care of Melinda, it's mentioned that the YTF start trying to clean up the place, fix the roof, and get the generator going again and naturally, only the RTCs are mentioned as doing this work, because the heathens (for those who don't know, the heathen count is at three, with Charlie, Janie, and Melinda still being unconverted) apparently don't care about getting warm again. But there are some decent signs: Janie is depicted as complaining about the food, but she does wolf it down when it's given to her, giving her a touch more humanity than she has demonstrated thus far. The section ends with Melinda, who's bundled herself up, asking "What's going to happen to us?" You'd think by now, Vicki would have given her the full rundown by now, but instead Vicki simply pats her shoulder and says, "We'll take care of you." Again, it's a nice, human touch somehow seeping in, in that Vicki is showing basic humanity.

In Israel, Moist and Ellie are ranting about leaders who don't do what they promised to do and how shit's going to happen as a result. :Yawn: MEGO Now, I'm longing for J. Michael Straczynski's awesome albeit short-lived series, Jeremiah. Now there was a good show and if you're wondering why I'm bringing it into the conversation, in season two, a character (played by Sean Astin), who refers to himself as Mister Smith and claims to have been chosen by God to be his prophet,  is introduced and I'm reminded every time I read any of Moist and Ellie's Tourette's-style ranting, just how badly Ellanjay fail at creating prophets. It's true that many of the Biblical prophets were earthy figures (Amos was a pruner of trees before being called to this line of work) and some were more educated (Isaiah advised kings which implies a little education), but all managed to convey a certain otherworldliness in their writings; you could believe that they were in touch with something bigger than themselves.

You get elements of that in Mister Smith. He is closer to an Amos-type prophet rather than an Isaiah, but he does, despite being an earthy, practical person, demonstrate an otherworldly knowledge that makes people sit up and take notice. Moist and Ellie just sound like they have a Schizophrenia; they are robots, parrotting what bits of holy writ they've heard over and over again, of which they know the words, but not the music. But to be fair, JMS does have more talent in his baby fingernail than Ellanjay do in their entire bodies, so I suppose this isn't too surprising.

In America, the YTF are freezing, running out of firewood, and they can't get the generator going. Melinda's still in considerable pain and that's all that happens in the brief check on the America-based YTF. I kind of wished that Ellanjay would realize that all this back-and-forth between Israel and America gives the readers whiplash and that he shouldn't switch locales between paragraphs and if he does, stuff should be happening. If all that's happening is both sides saying variations on, "Damn it's cold out," then why not do one chapter in Israel and the next in America, so as to make things a little easier on the reader?

Judd's in prison and freezing in his cell, but apparently isn't as affected as some of the other prisoners, though you'd think since they are in all likelihood, eeevil heathens, that all the hellfire inside would be keeping them warm, but apparently it doesn't work that way. There is an affecting moment when Judd realizes a man that had been lying still is in actuality, dead, but it isn't dwelled on too long because stuff like this might actually traumatize the kids who are hoping for the apocalypse so they can watch everyone burn. Emotional responses from the characters would ruin the fun.

Daddy Goldberg is massively pissed at Judd because he converted his son. Judd tries to chalk one up for Zod but it doesn't work and he's sent back to his cell, where he has a curious conversation with a grizzled, old man. Now the whole time, I was thinking, "Oh boy, is he going to have Judd 'pick up the soap'" given how he's introduced but like I've said many times, Judd is a mini-Rayford: of all the YTF, he's in the least amount of danger no matter what situation he's in.

Anyway the grizzled old pervert man (GOM) tells Judd, after making Judd give him his blanket, that they're releasing him and that he should check his coat. Judd is confused but realizes what the readers' have already figured out: the GC are releasing him with a tracking device in hopes of ferretting out other RTCs. He tries to convert GOM, but GOM doesn't take the bait. Later, GOM and him trade coats before Judd's released. He does get his wallet and ID back, but Judd for once demonstrates a few braincells by realizing, "Hey, these can be bugged as well," and throws them away. Me, I'm hoping that the GC were a few steps ahead and sewed a tracker into the lining of the coat, but I'm not going to bet the farm on that. Also, given that we can put tracking chips in animals and chances are the GC probably don't have any of the moral hangups that would prevent them from putting chips in people, why haven't they put them in their prisoners? That would be great: if Judd got back to Jamal's, only to realize he played right into the GC's hands and has doomed his friends. But again, not going to bet on it.

But as Judd heads back, the sun comes out and the earth is warm again  and Judd thinks this infuriating line which suggests to me that Ellanjay have regained consciousness:

A monitor inside the coffee shop showed a replay of the entire conversation between Nicholae and the witnesses. Commentators praised the work of the potentate. Judd smiled. He knew God had been looking out for him and other believers.

Except for all the RTCs who died during the freeze because they were homeless or weak or sick or just plain unlucky enough not to have the resources a rich American does, you prick!

[primal scream]

Anyway in the schoolhouse, Vicki and the others are celebrating the end of the freeze and making plans to consider resuming classes and worship. Vicki finds Janie standing by a river and they talk. Vicki is all "God did this and more's coming," but Janie remains convinced that the break in the freeze is Nicholae's doing.

In Israel, Judd waits around before returning to Jamal's, which is a smart move in case he's being followed, but I'm holding onto the faintest hope that he's been lowjacked. He runs into Lionel. They talk about Daddy Goldberg, but the conversation soon turns to Nada. Apparently Jamal cares about her and is keeping her locked up, But still Nada managed to disappear, leaving behind a note saying that she does have feelings for Judd and wants to meet up with him so they can talk. Needless to say, Judd is not pleased by this and neither is Jamal, who throws him and Lionel out, saying that they've caused enough trouble for his family. Frankly, I'm still shocked that Ellanjay are actually letting their teen protags disobey an adult RTC. Isn't RTC-ianity huge on obedience to all RTCs in authority regardless of how incompetent, corrupt, or evil they may be? But then again, judging by their names, which are all scary and ethnic, and the fact that Nada has been mentioned as having an Arabic accent, it may be that before becoming good RTCs, they were islamo-commie-fascists muslims* and since Muslim and Arab are interchangeable because it's not like one's a racial distinction and the other's a religious distinction, maybe the message is "Obey all RTC Authority figures so long as they're white and not a scary shade of brown.

*I've also flirted with the idea that Jamal's family were Palestinian Christians because it's not enough to be Christian in Ellanjayland, you have to be of a specific subculture, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Ellanjay assume that all Palestinians are Muslim, much in the way too many idiots assume Arab=Muslim.

**If you're wondering about all the links and videos, I'm trying to liven up what I'm sure is a dull job, reading my posts, since nothing happens in these books as said many times before.

All this Good Writing is Starting to Scare Me

Mouse is more than just a little disappointed with the comment turnout from her last post, but then again, I probably shouldn't whine about that given that I can't keep to a consistent posting schedule. Anyway, let's get down to business

[old serial voice] So when we last left our brave heroes, Judd actually did some basic heroism, there was a decent feeling of suspense, plus Daddy Goldberg provided hints that he might (until the inevitable conversion scene) be the compelling character I so sorely crave, and Nicky Usambara displayed basic villainy by outfitting his officers with buttons that when pushed, will summon other troops to their area. Funny isn't it, how I feel a need to commend the characters for doing basic anything? [/old serial voice]

Everyone up to speed? Good.

So Judd grabs Nada and runs for the kitchen but Daddy Goldberg stops them. There's a weird choice of verb usage in the next sentence making me wonder if I missed a detail because I was distracted by some other, more obvious wrong in this story, in which Judd is described as "blasting" Daddy Goldberg. Needless to say, my inner third-grader is going nuts with that choice of verb, but I doubt that's what the writers intended so anyone wanna help me out? Either way, Judd has pinned Daddy Goldberg to the ground and as the GC are busting in, he tells Samuel, Nada, and Jamal to run for it. over their protests. I suppose I could question why the GC haven't completely surrounded the place, making any kind of escape impossible, but dammit! For once, given the way this scene is written, I actually feel a little suspense! I actually care about what's going to happen to Judd, even as my cynical side is saying, "Y'know in all likelihood this will result in nothing, just like everything else."

I'm going to assume that the ghostwriter has been writing most of the scenes in this book, at least the ones I like, because I can't imagine anyone as tone-deaf, as ignorant and proud of it as Ellanjay actually doing decent albeit by-the-book writing as this.

Daddy Goldberg manages to slip free from Judd and Judd tries to escape, only to run into the GC and the fact I actually feel some concern about what's going to happen to him is testament to the skills of the ghostwriter.

Meanwhile, the kids in America are freezing in the school and even that has some suspense as Vicki is worried because Melinda's condition is deteriorating and she's wondering what more can be done. Again, cynics may wonder why she's the only one deteriorating so badly, but shut up! For the first time in a while, I actually care about the characters and what's going to happen to them. After enduring so much crap in these books, can't I enjoy a little of the good without it being tainted by base cynicism?

Janie and Charlie are bickering over who gets to sleep next to Phoenix aka the dog and even that seems to work because even though the characters are godless heathens worthy of hellfire and damnation by Ellanjay's standards, you get a feeling that the writer has some compassion and knows that they're fighting because they're freaking cold, not just because they're horrible heathens full of concentrated evil. Janie then hints at something she read in a book about a guy who was freezing to death who used his dog to stay alive. In her words: "Won't tell you what the guy did, but it didn't end well for the dog." And again, there's none of the usually derisive notes that the characters usually refer to her; you get the idea that she's suggesting this because she's freaking cold and not because, again, concentrated evil. Y'know this spate of good writing makes me wonder if the brave ghostwriter slipped something in Ellanjay's drinks and banged this out while they were out cold. Just remember, it wouldn't be that hard for him to get away with something like that; Ellanjay believe that editing and rereading are for wimps.

There is a brief discussion of that email from Carl, which I'm not going to rehash the whole 'Carl' thing because I don't care, but the section ends with a massive snowstorm hitting which douses the fire, making things even colder, and plunges the room into darkness.

Lionel speeds off, driving Jamal and Nada and Samuel back home and in a nice touch, he's actually nervous to be driving because the most he'd done before was back out of a driveway. I suppose I should question why they're not being followed though; surely the GC would be suspicious of a vehicle hanging around the scene.

Jamal and Nada argue and for once, you can't tell which side the author's hand is tilting towards, because they're both making cogent points. Jamal is chewing into her for taking such a stupid risk, but Nada is like, "Hey I love you and I admit I screwed up, but you have to let me live my life." Once again, some good writing...all this good writing is actually starting to scare me a little. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They discuss what will happen to Judd, realizing there's the very real possibility that Judd might lead them to their hiding place (they don't actually say he might be tortured into confessing but it's nice to see hints). They also discuss something in which the Nicky Amaro said about how he wasn't going to go after believers, but realize that hey, what's said in front of cameras and what goes on in a GC Jail are often two different things. They ask Samuel if he knows anyone who could help and he briefly mentions a lieutenant who knew his mother, but they wisely decide that it's too risky and the chapter ends with them saying that all they could do right now is pray.

At the schoolhouse (I'm trying to cut down on the "In America" jokes) apparently the weight of the snow caused the roof to cave and the YTF can't get a fire going because the wind keeps blowing it out. :starry-eyed wonder: There's actual suffering afflicting the heroes...I need to sit down for a minute. Melinda complains that she can't feel her feet and they take of her shoes only to find that three of her toes on her left foot have developed frostbite.

So Judd is in GC custody preparing to be questioned. He's resolved not to tell the GC anything but is nervous so he prays a little. Daddy Goldberg enters with a man who introduces himself as  Deputy Commander Woodruff and they begin questioning Judd. It's a short scene but Judd does demonstrate some smarts by refusing to directly answer their questions about Token Jew, instead opting to go for the indirect approach: when asked if he believes in what Token Jew proclaims, Judd says, "Has everything he said come true?" Again, bravo, brave ghostwriter. Whatever it is you slipped in Ellanjay's drinks, well, let's just say, they need a continuous pump of the stuff so we can get more good writing.

The ending of the chapter is just a little disappointing with Judd mentioning Nicky's latest bit about how he's going to leave believers alone, which causes the GC to be like, "Oh well," and escort him back to his cell, rather than just saying, "Yeah, he lied," and continuing the torture, but with all this good writing, I'll forgive a little missed opportunity.

My Quest to Find a Compelling Character to Follow

Yeah, I know it's entirely too easy for me to get out of the habit of doing these snarks. It's not like the YTF are incredibly compelling characters and I've spent weeks biting my nails wondering what's going to happen to them: you can predict what's going to happen to each character on the basis of gender and their saved/unsaved status along with whatever rank they have in the great RTC hierarchy (because Jesus was all about hierarchy. Don't you read your Bible?). Once you know the answers to those all-important question, you can pretty much predict how their plots will play out, even if you haven't sneaked a peek at the series' wikipedia page. Judd is basically a mini-Rayford, Vicki is Judd-with-boobs, and Lionel is Black Judd. The only characters who had any kind of compelling story that would make you wanna spend pages reading about them were the Power Couple of Awesomeness and they're dead.

But anyway, now that I've gotten my excuses for not updating out of the way, let's get down to business.

So okay, last time Nada was yanked inside a house after she and Judd decided to check on Samuel after he came out to his dad for being gay an RTC. Much as it pains me to do this, especially when the character in question is as weaksauce and obnoxious as Judd, I must admit that Judd actually displays more courage than all the Tribbles combined; rather than just shrugging his shouldiers and leaving Nada behind to go back to Jamal's house and whine about how eeevil the heathens GC are, he actually searches around the house, trying to find a way in so he can rescue her. This is how low my expectations have gotten thanks to these books: whenever a character thinks of someone besides him/herself or does basic heroism, I actually feel like throwing a parade in their honor.

Judd's unable to find a way in, but he does witness a confrontation between Nada, Mr. Goldberg, and Samuel. I'll admit there's actually some decent writing in this scene as Mr. Goldberg makes threatens and accuses his son of treason, Nada  remains silent but unbowed, and Samuel tries desperately to convince his father that Token Jew was right about everything and Jesus is the messiah. This kind of scene usually doesn't demand much by way of writing skills--not too hard to make a comrade falling into enemy hands and a son trying desperately to convince his father of the truth and rescue his comrade, tense--but given how many times Ellanjay have demonstrated a complete inability to create suspense, it's actually kind of refreshing to have a scene with some tension in it. Granted, I'm still not too worried because Ellanjay have demonstrated that they are averse to having the Good Guys actually suffer, so in all likelihood, any suffering Nada and Samuel go through, will take place off-screen and won't be dwelled on too much, but on the other hand, given their status as supporting characters, there's a chance that Ellanjay might be less willing to hold back. If it had been Judd or Vicki in that scene, there'd be no question that Ellanjay would hold back, but Nada and Samuel, while I doubt whatever happens will be too horrific and I doubt we'll see anything onscreen, there's still a little leeway here regarding their fates.

Yeah, sorry about that...didn't mean for my speculation to take so long. But I thought it does demonstrate how you can predict every twist and turn based on what you know about the characters' status: it's like all the supporting characters know they're playing second fiddle to the "awesomeness" that is Judd.

Anyway, that scene ends on a cliff-hanger with Mr. Goldberg picking up the phone and calling HQ, which is a good place to end the scene, nice way to build tension. I'm going to guess that the Ghostwriter wrote most of the material for this scene, because Ellanjay hate tension and suspense and try to murder it before it's ever born.

Lionel is still at Jamal's home and is currently trying to keep Jamal from figuring out where his daughter and Judd have run off to. Frankly I'm surprised that he's managed to keep Jamal distracted so well: surely since Jamal's an RTC like all good people, shouldn't he be concerned about his virgin daughter running off with a nubile American teenager? I thought all RTCs had massive hangups about sex.

He and Lionel briefly discuss Carpathia's recent remarks, y'know the ones that came across as more realistic and inspiring than anything Ellanjay has put in his protagonists' mouths. Jamal says that Carpathia is like Pharaoh in the Old Testament in that he'll do anything to stop the plagues. Lesson learned from Ellanjay: wanting to stop a massive plague of darkness and cold that will kill millions of people, is evil and wrong. Like I said in my previous post, if their incredibly convoluted prophecy called for planes to hit the towers, they would have danced in the streets with the Palestinians.

Naturally, Lionel is unable to keep Jamal from finding out about Judd and Nada running off in search of Samuel and Jamal, not realizing that he is an adult in a Young Adult novel and by virtue of this genre, he's useless.  Still, I'm a bit shocked, given that Ellanjay strike me as the type to value obedience above all other virtues when it comes to children, that they actually have Lionel chew out Jamal for being mad at Nada and Judd for running off, saying that while they're young, God can still use them to carry out his work. Frankly, because I enjoy being contrary and because I enjoy any opportunity to take potshots at Judd, I'm with Jamal. Doesn't any of them find it a little risky going to the house of a GC member just to rescue one person? Especially since, according to RTC logic, if Samuel is martyred for his faith, not only will he be spared more suffering, but he'll get that sweet martyrdom that really scores points with the Almighty and he'll get an even better afterlife than everyone else, so shouldn't they just leave him be? Not to mention, if they're captured trying to rescue this one person, chances are the GC would happily torture them in order to get them to name names and safehouses, so you'll have succeeded in endangering a whole bunch of people solely for the sake of one teenager. I know it sounds coldhearted, but while I'd try to search for Samuel and pray that he's all right, dashing into the home of a GC officer probably won't help anybody.

Jamal does agree to take Lionel with him in search of his daughter because Lionel is the only one who knows the way, but says as they leave that he and Judd aren't welcome in his house anymore.

At the schoolhouse In America! Vicki and the others are freezing. Apparently it's cold enough that Melinda's , aka the unconverted heathen who's marginally less eeevil than the other unconverted heathen (Janie) because she shows some curiosity about RTC-ianity, lips are turning blue and at one point, Vicki stops her from falling asleep, saying that she might die if she does. I'm no expert on extreme temperatures and how they affect the human body (I do know that it's true that if you are suffering from Hypothermia, you better stay awake), but if already her lips are turning blue and she's getting sleepy, then how much longer do the YTF have before they die at the hand of an Angry God?* And why is Melinda the only one who seems to be suffering significantly from the cold? It can't be because of her unsaved status--barely any mention of Janie suffering--so why?

Naturally, all Melinda wants is to be warm again and Vicki, being the tactful person she is, asks her what it'd take to get her to take home a Super Special Awesome TurboJesus Today! But Melinda doesn't immediately take the bait, saying that she'd feel guilty for asking Jesus for help, just because she's in trouble. We could quibble by pointing out that she probably shouldn't be asking Jesus for help period, because he's caused all this suffering and will keep raining down shit on earth because his hands are tied by some cockamamie prophecy hammered together by charlatans and no amount of praying will change his mind, even though you'd think the book of Jonah proves that's within his capacity, but frankly, I'm more commending the book for creating a character that doesn't treat Christianity like The Secret! but with Jesus! Too many people forget that verse in Matthew 5:45 about how it rains on the just and the unjust alike, and as a result, end up saying horrible things to people who are suffering.  Word of advice: when dealing with a friend or relative or someone going through a hard time, just say, "I'm sorry," and offer to cook or clean or something, or even just be there. Nothing more, nothing less.

But the section ends with Vicki and Conrad moving Melinda closer to the fire so she won't freeze and Vicki praying to God on Melinda's behalf, so I guess Melinda remains an unrepetent heathen and should she die without muttering The Prayer, she'll be in Hell for all eternity, suffering from the opposite of Hypothermia. Because that's the kind of deity TurboJesus is.

Meanwhile, Judd yanks the phone out of the wall, thus preventing Mr. Goldberg from having them "disappear," though you'd think he could use his cell phone. If the infrastructure allowing internet access remains standing despite several Acts of Zod back-to-back, you'd think cell phones would still be available. Given that the publishing dates of this book span the years 2001-2002, Ellanjay can't say they weren't inventend at the time of writing; at that point in history, they were practically ubiquitous. Maybe smart phones weren't available, but nearly every other kind was.

Samuel tries to convert dear old Daddy, but like in every other kind of attempted conversion, Strawman Has a Point Daddy points out that Zod took his mother and has "disappeared" millions and killed millions more, to which Samuel can only give the same weaksauce argument that all the other characters give in response to this argument, which is "Zod's trying to get your attention."

Naturally, Daddy doesn't bite the hook and because I'm still desperately searching for a compelling character to follow since the Power Couple of Awesomeness remain dead, I'm forced to latch onto him as my hero. He does prove to be awesome in that even though Judd yanked out the all-important phone, apparently Mr. Goldberg had a button within his coat that once pressed, would summon GC thugs to his location. Props to both Mr. Goldberg, but also to Nicky Ahaggar for demonstrating an iota of basic villainy.

*If you're curious, dying as a result of the disasters brought about at Zod's hands as opposed to getting murdered by the GC, probably doesn't count as martyrdom as according to God's Own Prophet, Tim LaHaye. So the RTCs who died in the quake, or the meteor strike, or the hailstorm, or drank bad water after Wormwood hit, or froze to death out in the cold, while they'll still enter heaven, they probably won't get the Super Special Awesome perks that comes with martyrdom. Sorry Loretta, Chaya, and who knows else.

I know, kids. I'm scared too.

[Krusty the Clown] Hey Hey! [/Krusty the Clown]

Before we begin, I like to get the bad news out of the way, because that's the kind of person I am. Giving bad news is like ripping off a bandaid: twere well it were done quickly. Anyway, here's the bad news: Tomorrow I will be on Residency until Thursday of the following week so there will be no new posts for a bit. This one will have to tide you over. If you get bored, you can write fanfiction where the YTF actually does stuff or (and this is my preference) more about the adventures of Taylor and Hasina as they travel the world doing battle with the forces of the GC and Zod.

So Samuel doesn't call the next day and naturally Judd suspects something's up. In well-written, well thought-out post-apocalyptic YA fiction, it wouldn't be too unusual not to hear from someone for a while and to spend hours wondering if they're okay because all these disasters would have reduced the infrastructure to shreds, but since this is Ellanjay...Yeah, I don't need to say any more, do I?

Lionel and Judd discuss whether they should look for them, wondering if it's a trap, when Nada volunteers to go searching for him. Judd's all "Your dad won't go for this," but Nada's like "We don't have to tell him," and while I know the band of plucky young kids disobeying their elders is a standard trope in YA lit, I'm rather surprised it shows up here. Aren't RTCs always getting in a snit about how Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the Harry Potter series are always disobeying the rules, but are rarely if ever punished? And yet it shows up here. My guess is this is the ghostwriter's contribution and for that I salute him. It can't be easy working for such lunkheads like Ellanjay and having to write book after book about a group of Elsie Dinsmore clones.

Nada says she's ready to go wherever Zod wants her and laughs at rumors that she and Judd are an item. Now to Vicki.

Now I know there's so very much wrong with the Left Behind Universe that if us heathen snarkers were to set aside jobs, families, free time, etc. to making a comprehensive wiki complete with examples of why nothing would happen the way Ellanjay says it would, we'd pretty much be sentenced to a Wandering Jew-like existence similar to that of our dear Fred Clark at Slacktivist, but very occasionally, they actually do something right and in an attempt to be a little less negative, I'll point them out. Besides, the moments where Ellanjay are right are like Halley's Comet: it won't come again for a long time, so you better appreciate them while they're here so you'll have something to tell the grandkids.

Basically, the stars dimming disaster is actually affecting stuff and Ellanjay actually talks about the stuff being affected. I know, I'm shocked too and more than just a little bit scared. I feel like Homer at the end of the episode "Bart's Comet."

Vicki had planned to keep up a Bible study but right now with it being so cold out, she's focused on keeping the people at the school alive. According to the news, the Midwest looks like Alaska in the dead of winter, all the animals at the Chicago area zoos have died except for the penguins and the polar bears, the homeless in the major metropolitan cities have frozen to death, and resorts along the beach have closed. I could point out that all this massive death and suffering should have happened before the dimming (Wormwood alone would have taken out everyone) but dammit! It's so unbelievably refreshing to see them finally acknowledging a massive death toll!

Frankly I couldn't help but wonder if the ghostwriter wrote most of this passage because I can't picture this level of basic craftsmenship coming from Jenkins or LaHaye. Ever since finding out that a ghostwriter worked on the series, I've wondering how the relationship between Ellanjay and ghostwriter played out. I would say Ellanjay gave him the checklist and said, "Knock yourself out," then just put their name to it afterwards, but there are too many of the trademark problems often seen in Ellanjay's works for that to be the case. I picture the three of them crowded around the keyboard, constantly pushing and shoving each other out of the way and this passage only happened because the ghostwriter slipped something in Ellanjay's drinks long enough to type this passage out before they regained consciousness and since Ellanjay doesn't believe in rereading what you've written, he was able to get away with it. All I can say is,"Bravo, brave ghostwriter." Your actions gave us the only decent passage in this entire series.

There is a weird mention in the bit about the homeless dying about how the shelters hadn't been staffed since Zod slaughtered raptured the Christians who ran them. I point this out because while I know a lot of the homeless shelters are run by Christian organizations, I find it strange that Ellanjay would mention this kind of thing. Aren't RTCs the type who believe in Social Darwinism (i.e. Poor people are poor because they're naturally inferior to rich people and therefore deserve to die in the gutter like God intended) and for the most part don't they consider any kind of charity that doesn't involve Gideon Bibles, handing out tracts, voting Republican, forwarding online applications to stop the War on Christmas, or giving money so [Insert Televangelist here] can have another yacht to better  "witness" to the poor heathens in [insert heathen country of choice here], a waste of time? After all, TurboJesus is going to come soon so why bother trying to clean up the environment or make the world a less painful place to live since TurboJesus will fix everything.

The news broadcast ends with Nicky Andes denouncing Token Jew and his followers and announcing that he's going to visit the Gruesome Twosome even though you'd think, since he controls the worldwide media, that he could just order the media to stop broadcasting their rantings, but that's crazy talk. :eyeroll:  Now back to Israel.

Judd's sneaking around, driving Nada to where she needs to go, while worrying about how her daddy, Jamal, will be pissed when he finds out. Since I already pointed out the whole "disobeying your elders" thing, I won't go into it again. But that's all that happens in Israel. :Yawn: Back to Vicki who currently has the only remotely compelling plotline going on.

Basically running the generator is using up more gasoline than they thought it would so Conrad suggests they only run it at night and burn wood to stay warm during the day. Naturally everyone, by which I mean Vicki, Conrad, and Mark (naturally none of the heathens were allowed to listen and decide), decide it's a good idea so they are :gasp: :choke: forced to use battery power on their laptop in order to see Nicky's visit the Gruesome Twosome at the Western Wall. But just as the visit begins, the laptop battery craps out, so Our Brave Heroes are unable to Bravely Watch the news. :gasps: The Apocalypse is worse than I could ever imagine! But it does turn out that the gas line froze almost immediately after they turned off the generator, so now the YTF can't even use it at night. I suppose some obsessive nerd* will point out how generators don't work that way while doing their best Morbo impersonation, but frankly, I'll allow it just so the Heroes Who Don't Do Anything will actually have to experience some discomfort as a result of the Apocalypse.

Now in Israel, Lionel is covering for Judd and Nada while he watches Nicky Bale visit with the Gruesome Twosome (GT) and as you guessed, Nicky comes across as sympathetic, while the GT sound like they have some kind of religion-related Tourette's Syndrome**. Basically, Nicky pleads with them, asking for help as men who claim to speak for God, begging to help him come to an agreement or compromise. Naturally, I suppose we're supposed to see this as proof of Nicky's duplicitousness, especially since he used the second most eeevil of all words, compromise, but like I said, he's the one who sounds sympathetic. As I've said before, he was created by Zod to be the anti-Christ and though he is essentially a robot unable to do anything except what he was programmed to do by Zod, he will still be punted straight to Hell where he'll suffer for all eternity for doing exactly what he was supposed to do.

Moist and Ellie aka Moishe and Eli basically say, "Your quarrel isn't with us," over and over again, ignoring and interrupting Nicky as he tries to talk to them. Rules of debate for RTCs: Apparently all it takes in order to crush your opponents in a debate is to make sure they can't get a word in edgewise. Heathens will claim that's proof of the weakness of your argument, but hey, they'll realize how right you were when the shit hits the fan and your sipping wine non-alcoholic grape juice with Jesus in Heaven, while they're burning in Hell.

Moist and Ellie accuse him of denying the one true God, which they refer to as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I guess Ellanjay put that line in there, so they can pat themselves on the back for realizing that Jewish people hold Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in high esteem, but since I can't help but be contrary, I find myself wondering if by that requirement (in other words, worshipping the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), does that mean by Ellanjay's own admission that those inscrutable Jews and Islamo-commie-fascist Muslims will get into Heaven? After all, I'm fairly certain the Jews and the Muslims both worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Nicky's response to the God of Abraham bit is to sputter something about tolerance, thus proving how eeevil he is, because if compromise is the second most eeevil word, tolerance is the number one most eeevil word. But Moist is onto him and responds by saying that, "There is one God and one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus." Once again, I find myself wondering if this means that the Muslims will get in because they believe in Jesus, right? Not in the same way that the RTCs do, but they'd probably have no problem with describing Jesus as a mediator between man and God.

Nicky Himalayas's response actually seems justified given that he came to talk to these so-called men of God and all they've done is dick around with him. Word of advice to aspiring writers: if you want to write about prophets, read some of the great Biblical prophets or if you're allergic to the Old Testament, try reading Stephen's sermon before the Sanhedrin or the Book of James. Prophets should come across as wise, a little crazy (though not a lot crazy), and otherworldly, not like a bunch of mental patients who chewed through the leather straps and somehow wound up in front of one of the most revered religious monuments. Anyway, here's the Prince of Darkness's response:

"So, that is it, then? Before the eyes of the world, you refuse to talk? All I get is that my quarrel is not with you? With whom, then, is it? All right, fine!"

Am I the only one who feels actually sorry for Nicky Amaro? I mean, he's actually asking for answers yet the GT aren't going to even try to save his soul, even though he's currently killed fewer people than the God they claim to worship. Poor Nicky never even had a chance...I really feel sorry for him.

Nicky then announces that the death of the GC guard was not the responsibility of any of the witnesses at the meeting and goes on to say that anyone who follows the teachings of Token Jew is now considered a fugitive or an enemy of the GC, but everyone else is free to live their lives and travel as they see fit. I know, again, we're supposed to find Nicky eeevil for persecuting the good RTCs, but I think Ellanjay's only objection really is that he's persecuting the wrong people, not that he's persecuting, period. Do you think if Token Jew was in charge he'd allow all the heathens, which includes anyone who doesn't believe in the word of God as laid out by God's Own Prophet, to practice their faith and live in peace? Once again, I feel a need to remind those who aren't history buffs that while Spain was going through the Inquisition, persecuting Muslims, Jews, and anyone who disagreed with the teachings of the Catholic Church, the Ottoman Empire, run by Islamo-Commie-Fascists, allowed Jews to live and practice their faith in peace. Nicky then makes this statement:

"I do not know with whom I am or should be talking but I stand willing to do whatever it takes to end this plague of darkness."

Now in a well-written novel, this would be the kind of statement uttered by the hero as he prepares to do battle with the forces of evil threatening his people, but remember, Ellanjay thinks the oh-so-holy checklist and all the deaths that'll happen as a result of the checklist is a good thing. These good Christian men are salivating over the deaths of innocent people and think that anyone who tentatively says that all these deaths are a bad thing or tries to stop it, is on the side of Satan. If the Holy Checklist had called for planes to hit the World Trade Centers, they would have danced in the streets with the Palestinians on September 11th.

Nada goes up to Samuel's house, only for the door to open and someone to grab her and drag her inside. Now, naturally this sort of thing normally wouldn't play out well for a teenage girl in real life, but I have a feeling nothing will come of this because nothing ever comes of anything in these books. As you guessed, Judd just sits there all gormless as Nada is dragged into the house, not bothering to freak out or go after here or do anything. Our Hero, folks...

The chapter ends with Vicki and the other kids at the school huddling together to get warm. They pray before going to sleep with Melinda asking the question that's probably on everyone's mind: "Are we going to die?"

And that's it until after Residency. I feel a little guilty in that I only gave y'all one chapter to tide you over until then, but given how long this post is, I'm sure I've provided enough fodder for you to discuss until then. :grins: Now in the words of Edward Murrow, good night and good luck.

*Don't take the obsessive nerd remark as a slam against any of you all. I'm in no position to judge anyone for believing an obsessive nerd given that I'm still hacking my way through these terrible, terrible books.

**Just in case any Tourette's sufferers are out there, know that my remark was intended more as a slam against Ellanjay rather than a slam against any of y'all. I'm sure Tourette's is like any mental illness in that you have to deal with idiots thinking they're an expert because they saw that one movie and judging you as a result; in other words, it sucks. It really, really sucks.

Are they being sarcastic? 'Cause I can't tell anymore

Sorry, sorry...I really need to get on a more regular posting schedule, especially since for the most part, all my school-related issues have been resolved. There will be another brief hiatus in July because of a ten-day residency but for the most part, things have been settled.

Truthfully the reason I haven't been posting is not only due to general laziness, but also, with Jenkins's most unintentionally awesome characters (I have no doubt that he or the ghostwriter drafted into writing this series, never intended for Hasina and Taylor to attract so much sympathy and admiration), Hasina and Taylor aka the Power Couple of Awesomeness, dead, I've been a little depressed. I like to tell myself that at least they went out in a suitably awesome fashion, thumbing their noses at Zod and the GC, or that they faked the whole thing and while the story is focused on Heroes Who Don't Do Anything, Hasina and Taylor are out recruiting others like them and waging guerilla warfare against both the GC and God, but it still hurts knowing that I have God-Only-Knows-How-Many Books to spend with such weaksauce protags as the Tribbles. If anyone out there wants to write fanfiction involving Hasina and Taylor doing battle with the GC and Zod, I would really appreciate it.

Not much happening really at the beginning though I did learn something: apparently all Jews, even once they've stopped being so inscrutable and Jewish, do not use contractions. I know I've commented on this before, but I like to drive the point home and it really comes across as strange that even an American Jew like Mitchell Stein, behaves as stereotypically Jewish as the Israeli Jews. Things Learned from Ellanjay: Jews share a hive mind. Why do you think there are no denominations like Hasidic or Reform or Orthodox or anything like that with Jews? Because it's obvious they are a monolithic group who follow in lockstep unity the advice laid out by their Rabbis who in turn, obey the Grand Poobah (almost said Pope because they obviously think that Jews have one) of Jews. But remember, just because all RTCs follow the word of God's Own Prophet (the acronym is intentional), Tim LaHaye, in no way conveys that they too, do nothing but parrot the words they've read and heard over and over again from their parents and pastors; they just happen to see the truth. It's okay to be a Hive Mind so long as everyone believes the truth.

Also, back at the school, Janie is still being all hardened and full of sin and evil by refusing to pull her weight. Vicki says she's considered withholding meals in order to get her to cooperate, but Janie says the food is terrible and she doesn't want to eat it anyway. So yet another thing learned from Ellanjay: When non-RTCs withhold basic necessities like food from people in order to force them to convert to their way of thinking, it's torture, but when RTCs do it, they're demonstrating the love and compassion of Jesus who forgave his enemies, even as they drove nails into his hands.

They further discuss what to do about Janie, Vick going so far as to suggest locking her in the tunnel beneath the school in order to force her to convert and I really wish I could tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but Conrad says, "That would be an effective evangelism tactic: convert or starve." I have read and reread the passage and I can't tell if the ghostwriter is making an anonymous potshot at the beliefs of the RTCs he's writing about or if Conrad is honestly agreeing with Vicki that they need to force Janie to convert. It's really hard to tell given the way it's written. Naturally I'm going with the sarcastic interpretation simply because the other theory is too horrific for words.

In Israel, there's a brief sense of poignancy rarely seen in these books as Judd, Mr. Stein, and Lionel wander the old part of Jerusalem in search of Hat Dude and Judd notes how quiet the streets are and how there should be children outside playing. Naturally this poignancy last about as long as a single raindrop in the desert, but I note this because these moments, where they reflect on what's been lost, are so few and far between. Anyway, they find Hat Dude and they pray together.

Next they read Token Jew's website and basically realize that the next judgement, in which the stars and sun are dimmed, is coming up and for the first time, Our Brave Heroes actually think of the ramifications of the judgement about how they're going to survive the freeze and how all these people are going to die. Granted just about everyone should be dead by now since Wormwood poisoned the water, but given how rarely the massive death toll of any events in Ellanjay's works is acknowledged, I'm going to allow this. As a connoissuer of Post-Apocalyptic fiction, one of the most interesting elements of the genre is the parts where the heroes try to deal with what has happened by trying to guess how long their rations will hold out and what they can do to deal with the aftermath of the disaster, so I actually thought the part where they're discussing how they're going to deal with a massive freeze was interesting. The only problem is that Ellanjay is going to stop at step one and not take it any further from there: all the sufferings, if they're seen at all, will be born out by anonymous heathens and none of the heroes will have to miss meals or deal with being hungry and cold at all. Even Cozy Catastrophes make some attempt to have their heroes suffer some minor discomfort, but Ellanjay won't even allow that because they know their followers would give up the ghost if they had to suffer even that, so I think we need to invent a new trope to describe this kind of catastrophe in which the heroes don't suffer at all and smugly look down on those who do.

Next chapter, Vicki wakes up and the judgement has hit because it's freezing cold out. Once again, we get a little discussion as to how they're going to deal with it--they decide to start the generator and to move downstairs because it'd be too difficult to heat up the upstairs--but as usual only Janie aka the hardened reprobate, makes any complaints about the cold. The YTF, minus Janie of course, snigger at the GC explaination--a supernova created a magnetar or a supermagnetized star causing elements in its core to rise and become extremely magnetic--and I find myself wondering if I should track down the Bad Astronomer and have him hash apart this bullshit in an extremely funny yet informative way, because I have a feeling it's B.S. but due to my amateur understanding of astronomy and physics, I lack the knowledge needed to rip into this and explain how nobody would buy it. Besides it still wouldn't change the fact that the suffering that will be concentrated mostly on the lower class because being poor means that you have little if any margin of error and that they'll likely die without hearing the Good News which will lead to them burning in Hell for all eternity because they had the nerve not to be rich. As so many have pointed out, while many RTCs refuse to accept the Theory of Evolution even though it's been proven time and time again, they have no problem accepting Social Darwinism as God's Truth.

Again, the rest of this chapter, with both groups of the YTF, the one at the school and the one in Israel, trying to deal with the aftermath of the judgement is really well-written. It almost is an accurate portrayal of what would really happen with everyone trying to keep warm by bundling themselves in blankets and everyone being glued to the television sets in hopes of figuring out what's going to happen next. I say almost because there is still the trademark Ellanjay elements which makes the heathen snarker* aka me and the rest of the people following this blog go, "Come on!" and throw the book against the wall, but I'm trying to be a little less relentlessly negative by pointing out the tiny lotus buds struggling to rise out of the muck, so bear with me.

Naturally on TV, the GC has formed a group to study this phenomenon and give their findings and if you guessed one of the members of said group was Jewy McJew aka Chaim Rosenzweig, even though he's a frigging botanist and not someone who'd have any idea about stuff related to astronomy or physics or meterology, you win a No-Prize. I hope you feel proud of yourself. We could be reading Shakespeare right now instead of this.

The YTF are appalled that some members of this group are writers or entertainers as opposed to scientists. The hypocrisy is rich considering that YTF practically worship actors like Ronald Reagan or Kirk Cameron even though they demonstrate a complete lack of knowledge when it comes to any academic field.

Anyway, everyone expects Jewy McJew to parrot the GC party line but instead he says something along the lines of, "Token Jew has predicted everything that was going to happen and that he feels like a fool and is going to check out the website so he'll know what happens next." He dares the cameramen to pull the plug on him, but they don't because non-RTCs are basically like characters in a Jack Chick strip: they'll either react with total astonishment and stand silent because they're stunned by said RTC's wisdom and sagacity or beg to be baptized on the spot or they'll react with anger in which case the brave RTC will get a sweet taste of martyrdom with all the rewards that entails while the non-RTC is punted straight to Hell.

The chapter ends with summary because Ellanjay are strong believers in "Tell, don't even think of showing." There's really nothing worthy of note except that apparently Judd and Nada are spending more time together and forming a bond (which of course is told but we never actually see any of this) and Lionel basically asks Judd if it's really such a good idea to be getting close to someone at a time like this. Admittedly this is a sensible statement for a character to make--in a world which has less than seven years to live, you probably don't want to risk bringing anymore children into it--but I can't help but wonder if Lionel's statement was less about practicality and more related to RTCs' numerous hangups about love and sex in general. Judd basically says, "We're just friends," to which Lionel rolls his eyes.

The chapter ends with Samuel calling and talking about how he told his dad he's an RTC now. Naturally Daddy is pissed and Judd tells Samuel if his daddy throws him out, he can stay with them, even though chances are...well think about it...Inviting a guy whose Daddy has ties to the GC to stay with them...how many different ways can that go wrong? It's not like Daddy can attach a tracking device or arrange to have people follow his son thus leading them right into a den full of RTCs. But even if that happened, we need not fear the GC torturing and making the YTF "disappear"; after all, it's been proven you'll just rot in jail for awhile before being busted out, none the worse for wear.

Not to mention because I'm a heathen pervert and because it's been proven so many times that the RTCs, who have the most hangups about sex more specifically gay sex, usually have the most to hide**, I can't help but read unintentional subtext into Samuel talking about coming out to his dad as an RTC and dad reacting with anger. Also, given that the readers of my blog are also heathen perverts***, you can probably guess what I'm going at with this unintentional subtext thing. :wink: :wink: Just remember that subtext can be rearranged to spell buttsex and you'll know just what I mean.

*Yes, I know I'm a Methodist, but given that I don't believe in the word of God as laid out by God's Own Prophet, Tim LaHaye, that probably makes me a heathen. That and the whole being liberal, believing in the social gospel, and being female and insisting on the ability to make my own decisions regarding my life and reproduction.

**One of my rules of life, one that's been proven true so many times it's probably woven into the fabric of the universe along with E=mc squared is, "He or she who screams the loudest about sin, usually has the most to hide." Just look at all the "family values" candidates who get caught shtupping the sexy intern or soliciting sex in an airport men's room.

***Don't worry that whole heathen pervert thing wasn't intended as a slam against you all. I love all my readers even if some of you probably have some embarrassing things in your search history. Then again, who doesn't.

RIP Power Couple of Awesomeness

Sorry, sorry if thing's are going to be erratic for a while. Again, I'm in the process of working out some stuff regarding school so it may be a while before I get back on a regular posting schedule. Besides have you really been dying to read more about the Pirates Heroes who don't do anything?

Well, fear not, fellow readers: Lionel escapes with nary a hair on his head damaged. Though it turns out that Mr. Stein's money was gone, so they can only hope that Hasina will help them out for free. If I were writting these books, I would have it turn out that Hasina and Taylor are too busy helping out the poor and wretched and sabotaging the GC in any way they can to help out our heroes, but I have a feeling that despite being a heathen infidel, Hasina realizes that rich Americans matter above all other lives and she'll airlift them out and once she does, at no small risk to herself, the YTF will continue to snigger about her behind her back. Because that's what good RTCs do: mock the cherished ideals of those who do not believe as they do.

Meanwhile at the school, Melinda is starting to show signs of having sipped the Flavor-Aid as she and Vicki discuss the prophecies. Melinda hasn't kneeled before Zod yet but it's only a matter of time. But most importantly, someone is finally realizing that all these judgments (which need I remind you, come from God) are going to affect things. Granted, it's pretty damn stupid that they are just now realizing this, even though after Wormwood poisoned the water, they should be rationing their bottled water and using it solely for drinking; or in other words, bathing and showering would become a thing of the past. But apparently the one that finally makes someone sit up and take pause is the next judgment which will darken the moon and stars and sun. Mark, the character who is finally showing some brains, realizes correctly that this means that the earth will essentially go through a deep freeze and things will get a heckuva lot colder. Melinda, acting truly dumb because only one member of the YTF is alloted brain cells at a time, says that they live in the woods and can just chop down some of the trees to keep the fires burning, but Mark shakes his head and basically says that people are going to die. While I'll admit that's a pretty huge "Duh..." statement given how many disasters have struck back to back, killing who-only-knows how many people, I'll still allow this line because finally, an acknowledgement of the massive casualities that would result from one of the disasters. Still part of me has to wonder, do the RTCs ever give any reasons why all these disasters happen back to back within the same short time period? Because I don't claim to be an expert on disasters, but I'm fairly certain that if God wanted to smite the heathens back to the stone-age, it would only take one of the so-called judgments to render life on this planet, moot. Heck, the whole Wormwood thing would be more than enough to finish us off.

[plug]Once again, you want to see well-written young adult fiction about teens facing the end of the world-type disaster, read the Last Survivors series by Susan Beth Pfeffer, not this crap. [/plug]

Back to Israel. Judd is talking on the phone with Hasina and oh, how I wish that she or Taylor were the stars of this series instead of such a weaksauce protagonist like Judd. Again, they actually do shit.

But to my surprise, Hasina doesn't immediately start kowtowing to Judd and doing whatever he asks. Probably because exciting shit that would be nice to actually witness firsthand instead of just hearing about it from Judd, is actually happening. Basically the GC are storming the place complete with all the violence and gunfire that entails and why oh why do we have to read this from Judd's perspective again? Why exactly couldn't Hasina and Taylor be the heroes of this series instead of the Tribbles? Even though Ellanjay distances us from the scene by having us learn it by having Judd overhear it through the phone, it's still a damn effective part of the novel as the GC struggle to subdue Taylor and Hasina and they confess their love for each other, before Judd hears the sound of gunshots and hears a GC Goon say that the suspects are dead. Oh and if you're wondering, Judd did try a last-minute thief-on-the-cross kind of conversion with Hasina and Taylor but both essentially said, "Save your breath."

:fans self: Wow...Hasina and Taylor are so awesome I nearly swooned especially when they both told Judd where he can stick his conversion attempt. Did I not tell you how utterly awesome they both are? I was going to find a clip from the MST3K episode where they riffed on Puma Man, the one where Crow, after watching Vadinho kick serious ass, says, "Our hero is this guy. I think it's time we've accepted that," but I couldn't find the clip. Still, given how very, very awesome they are I must honor them with a YouTube clip so you can feel what I'm feeling right now. Characters as awesome as them deserve to have a Scottish man playing "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes as a send-off. I would also see to it that they be nominated for sainthood so as to represent all of us brave souls still plodding through these books, but I don't know how to go about such things. I'll just lie down and say, "Wow..." for a little longer though.

Next chapter. Faced with the whole prospect of a massive freeze, Vicki and the rest of the YTF not important enough to go to Israel, start getting to work, chopping and gathering firewood and for a brief period, a few of them act like actual teenagers, wondering if this is all necessary, griping about work, etc. If you guessed the ones behaving like teens instead of Elsie Dinsmore clones were the ones who have yet to convert, aka Melinda and Janie, you were right! Go upstairs and collect your No-Prize.

Meanwhile in Israel, I have as much trouble believing it as you do, but Judd is actually stunned by the deaths of Hasina and Taylor. The cynical part of me just assumes that he's concerned because he lost his ride out of Israel and that's probably true, but dammit! It is nice to see him demonstrate a brief flicker of human emotion. Also, he starts to regret being so harsh towards Vicki about the school and wishes he could fix things between them. We could only wonder what Token Jew would think about Judd conceding that a weak, womanly female with female parts could be right about something.

Judd and Nada discuss her brother, Kasim. For those who can't remember, Kasim was her heathen brother who died unconverted in the Wrath of the Lamb quake. One of the things she mentioned was that Kasim, as a GC guard, had a penthouse apartment bigger than their house. Can't help but note that Nicky Amaro's strategy of giving his employees all these perks probably works better than Zod's convert-by-killing strategy. Anyway, Nada proves she's a true RTC by essentially showing no compassion for her brother saying that he'd seen Token Jew's broadcast so he had his chance to convert.

Back at the school. Janie's being a typical teenager by slacking off from work but of course, in the eyes of Ellanjay, this is only further proof of her reprobate nature.

Back to Israel. Lionel and Samuel talk about Jesus and Samuel finally stops being one of those inscrutable Jews and converts, even though he knows this will cheese off his father. I am just disappointed that it turned out that the verse Lionel slipped in his pocket wasn't Ezekiel 23:20.

And that's it for this week. Please do your best to properly eulogize Hasina and Taylor.

The Ugly Americans in Israel

Oh geez, sorry, sorry, sorry for it being so long since the last post. By now y'all are probably searching through obituaries wondering if I died in some freak gardening/vomit-choking/spontaneous combustion accident. We'll I'm afraid nothing like that. I'm afraid all that happened was a whole mess'o'shit regarding school hit the fan combined with general laziness and a tendency towards clinical depression and that explains why I'm so late with the post.

I guess you've all been wondering what's been happening in the LB:TK universe. Well the truth is nothing. Nothing ever happens in these books. Even the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything occasionally did something. Basically right now all that happens is Mr. Stein talks about stuff that would have been interesting to see first-hand but boring to read someone talking about. Y'know I wonder what my Creative Writing instructor would think if I showed her these books and told her that these were best-selling books.

I'll make it short. Our Buck and Token Jew escaped thanks in part to the help of Mr. Stein and others. Also, Chloe was separated from Our Buck and I have a feeling that nobody will be the least bit concerned about a pregnant woman trapped in the middle of a riot. Anyway, Mr. Stein is captured and is tortured by his captors and yes, he is shocked, shocked! that the evil one-world government bent on wiping out RTCs, would torture an RTC in hopes that he'd reveal something that would lead them to the leader of this renegade sect. After that, he feels pretty lousy until he hears a voice in his head singing the Doxology (how I hate that such a nice bit of poetry is associated with this drivel) and goes into such a deep sleep, his captors think he's dead. Mr. Stein wakes up in the morgue and is smuggled to a funeral home and is smuggled out of said home to a safe house. And let me just say my summary of events is a hell of a lot more interesting than the way Ellanjay tells it. :sigh: Now back to the Girly Girls.

As you probably guessed, nothing is happening. Melinda apologizes for running off and causing a lot of trouble. Apparently now she's opposed to the GC but she's still not an RTC, so yeah...they probably regard her as a damned infidel like Taylor even though Taylor is a hell of a lot more awesome than all of the Tribbles combined. All that happens after that: they discuss the email received from a GC address and write back asking to know more about the sender's intentions. Now back to the dudes.

Samuel calls and tells them that the GC are pissed and looking for Token Jew everywhere and monitoring all the airports so the YTF and the Tribbles aren't going anywhere. Mr. Stein does have money but he stashed it at the university. Then suddenly they have a lightbulb moment and decide to call Hasina aka the second half of the Power Couple of Awesomeness. I could get into a long rant about how the YTF are such assholes speaking disdainfully of Taylor and Hasina's beliefs until they get into a bind and decide to run to Taylor and Hasina for help but then again, this is kind of par the course for the Tribbles. Next chapter.

Vicki receives another email from the GC written by someone claiming to be Carl aka that guy John saved on that ship. He wants to meet the YTF and in a rare show of intelligence, the YTF considers the possibility that this might be a trap and responds cautiously. But I'm going to put on my bookie eyeshade and bet that it isn't because everyone knows bad things happen to NPCs or to bad people who deserve it, not to good RTCs like the YTF. Again, readers might give up hope if they found out that persecution involves more than just receiving a glare from an overworked cashier after you criticized him/her for not saying, "Merry Christmas," after ringing you up.

Back to Israel. Nada is gone and Jamal is pissed. Basically Nada, in the previous chapter, had decided to go and retrieve Mr. Stein's money, reasoning that she'd attract less attention than some American tourists. But Jamal is pissed about his daughter putting herself in danger and we find out why. Basically the whole family accepted that TurboJesus was the way, the truth, and the light, but there was a holdout: Nada's older brother, Kasim. He believed in Carpathia and became a GC guard. But that didn't stop Nada from going to him on duty and preaching about Zod. Naturally Nada didn't face any consequences because the GC is absolutely helpless in the face of a teenage girl and couldn't dream of doing something like imprisoning her and torturing her so she'd name names. But anyway, Kasim ended up being squished in the Wrath of the Lamb earthquake and like every good RTC, no one in his family is like, "My son/brother is in hell for all eternity. The kid who I walked to kindergarten and taught to tie his shoes is being tortured for all eternity because a building fell on him before he could convert." I know I keep reitterating this point over and over again and everyone, including me, is probably tired of it, but it needs to be said, dammit!

The Manly Men decide to go after Nada to make sure she's okay. They draw straws and Lionel gets the short one, so he goes to help Nada. Back at the school. Conrad decides to check out the fancy box he found a couple of chapters ago. The YTF wonder if it's the safe that Z was talking about. I nearly suffer a concusion when I bang my head against the computer after falling into a boredom-induced coma.

Back to Israel. Lionel puts on a long robe and turban to disquise myself. I grit my teeth as Lionel thinks about how goofy he looks and wonder if Ellanjay assumes robe+turban=Muslim or if they are aware that such attire is more fitting for a Sikh. Nothing like Ellanjay's cultural insensitivity to raise your blood pressure a few degrees. Lionel searches the campus using Mr. Stein's tips but well, the chapter ends with the alarm going off and the possibility that we might actually have something interesting happen in the next chapter. Though I wouldn't bet the farm on it.