Judd Thompson as Norman Bates

So Vicki arrives at Judd's home and we get a little hint that at least she's not a virginal white as snow RTC like Chloe, with this little passage:

When was the last time she had been alone with a teenage boy without winding up drinking, smoking, doing dope, or worse?

That last part, the "or worse?" leaves us perverts plenty of room for speculation,oh yes it does, but it doesn't tell us much. In a world where young adult literature is addressing serious topics such sex and drugs, Ellanjay is a throwback to the fifties where these things still went on but no one talked about it.

Anyway, they talk and talk, carrying on long conversations in that Brenda Starr dialogue fashion, and Vicki mentions needing new clothes and Judd offers to let her borrow his mother's clothes and all I can here in my head is that orchestra sting from Psycho. If a recently orphaned boy starts trying to get you to wear his mother's clothes, that's a sign you should run. But I suppose this could mark the first step in Vicki's Stepfordization.

I had been picturing Judd as Rhett Van Der Graaf from King of the Hill (aka the guy Luanne dated in the episode she revirginized), but now I've got to picture him as Norman Bates.

Judd was talking about his mother as if she were dead. It seemed to Vicki his voice was about to break.
"I can see why you were proud of her," Vicki said. "If she has a lot of clothes like this, I'd be honoured to wear them. Remember Judd, she's not dead. If everything we believe is true, and we both know it is, she's in heaven."

Which means she's dead! She's passed on! She's ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of Life, she rests. She's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible! This is an ex-RTC!

Sorry about the Monty Python ripoff but really meeting your maker means the same thing regardless of whether or not there's a body involved.

Anyway back to everyone's favourite static duel, Lionel and Ryan. Well, basically not much is happening except that Lionel picks on Ryan for not helping him, even though a twelve-year-old wouldn't be much help against the guys in the first place, and goads Ryan into going back to Lionel's house and getting his bike. :beats head against desk: No more transportation logistics. Mommy make the bad men stop!

Lionel: Multiple Contender for the Darwin Award

So Lionel heads home to confront the looters at his house. In the real world, this would qualify him for a Darwin Award because crazed looters plus unarmed thirteen-year-old boy...I don't think you need to do the math, here.

But it turns out that his Uncle Andre owes powerful people money and said people have decided to crash at Lionel's house as part of the payment. Lionel naturally decides the best thing to do at a time like this is smart off at these people. The only reason he doesn't end up dead because of it is because of divine writ of Ellanjay's protection.

What follows is Jenkins's painful attempts at tough-sounding dialogue, most of it done in the style of what Turkey City Lexicon calls Brenda Starr dialogue. We get no indications of what any of the thugs look like; they might as well be talking cardboard cutouts for all we know. But we do get this bit of brilliance, after Lionel threatens to call the police.

"You think the police have time to worry about you right now? We could kill you and bury you and leave a pile of your clothes on a chair, and they'd believe you were one of those people who disappeared. Trust me boy, you're better off with a place to stay. We'll even let you eat, maybe teach you the business."

Unlike the adult books, at least we get some indication that the police are hamstrung and too busy to investigate every single disappearance, so basically, if you ever wanted to permanently settle a grudge with someone, the aftermath of the rapture is the time to do it. Kill someone, stack their clothes, and hide their body. The police will be too busy to bother checking into every disappearance because they're preoccupied with the suspicious disappearances of every child on earth. So I have to give Ellanjay kudos for remembering this for the children's book, but boo them for forgetting it in the adult books. Remember how they went for the old faked suicide canard with Dirk Burton?

After that conversation, Lionel finally shows some sense and hightails it out of there. Meanwhile, Vicki is standing in front of the burned remains of her house and we get a good bit of writing here. Well, maybe good is too strong of a word. Adequete would work better.

But now, as she stood in the cool of the morning, staring at the slowly rising smoke and smelling the acrid fumes, she was overcome with a longing for that little trailer house. She remembered how it looked, how it smelled, how it creaked when she walked through it. She had even learned where to step to keep from making noise when she tried to sneak in after curfew.

I have to give Ellanjay kudos here, especially for the last line. It would have been nice to go further, maybe talk about the little tacky knicknacks her mom collected or her sister's Barbies, or her favourite strapless bra, now forever lost, but I'll take what I can get. I think I'm developing Stockholm's Syndrome thanks to this book.

So Judd offers to take her in and in the conversation, all I can think about is that guy Luanne Platter on King of the Hill dated in the episode she revirginized, who was so desperately horny that she agreed to marry him just so they could have sex. You can't honestly expect me to believe that Judd is being nice to her out of the kindness of his heart. Especially with dialogue like this:

"I'm what God will use to take care of you. You're a Christian now, and he's going to watch over you and make sure you're taken care of. He's going to use me to do that."
"So you're God's guy now, his right hand man?"
"You could say that."
"So, where are we going?"
"To my house."
"Judd!"
"Just let me do this, Vicki. I really think God wants me to, and I'll feel like I'm letting him down if I don't."

That's not all he'll be letting down if he doesn't :eyebrow waggle: But seriously, read that dialogue and tell me it doesn't reek of a teenage boy desperate to get laid.

There's a short section about Ryan but not much happens on his end. He sees Lionel running away and decides to run away too. I'm serious, that's all that happens.

And I'll leave you till next week.

They're Not Dead, Really

Another boring chapter I'm afraid. This one's only moderately boring compared to the last two, much in the way a kick in the gut is moderately painful compared to a kick in the teeth. I'm starting to think this is payback for giving Ellanjay kudos.

Lionel tried to pray. When he had been a phony, a kid in a Christian family who pretended to be like everyone else in the clan, it never surprised him that God seemed distant. He couldn't remember when God had seemed close. He knew that was because he had never become a true Christian, and that was also why he had been left behind.

Once again, we get the delineation between phonies and RTCs. Yet a few questions remain: if his mother Lucinda and the rest of his family were such good Christians, how come none of them could figure it out? What does it mean to be good when apparently anyone can fake it? Also, if being a RTC means saying The Prayer and accepting Scofield-Darby's interpretation of the Bible, does that mean the millions of Christians before Scofield and Darby are in Hell?

But his grief over the loss of his parents--though they were in heaven and not dead--and his horror over what had happened to his Uncle Andre, plus the sheer exhaustion of trying to figure out what to do next, had caught up with him.

Once again, the delineation between dead and raptured though there really isn't much of a difference. Usually when we say someone's with God, it means the same thing regardless of the circumstances. Gone is gone.

It was no wonder Ryan seemed angry,even angry with God. If all of what had happened was true, the way Bruce Barnes explained it--and Lionel knew it was--Ryan had to be drowning in confusion. What must he think of a God who would allow his parents to die and leave him behind while Christians disappeared into heaven?

This is the only flicker of rebellious thought we see from Lionel. Watching it is like watching a crushed insect struggle to regain its footing.

He knew it was hopeless to pray about something that had already happened, but he couldn't help pleading with God to assure him that maybe, just maybe, Andre had come to Christ before he was murdered or committted suicide. He even prayed the same thing for Ryan's parents.

Because if none of the people mentioned said The Prayer, they are roasting in Hell. I tried to find out more information about Ryan's parents at wikipedia but all the website would say is that they were "confirmed unbelievers" as if that perfectly justifies torturing them for all eternity.

But Lionel spots looters at his home and tries to get Ryan to help him, but Ryan refuses and I can't blame him. I mean, the kid's twelve; he's not Superman. What does Lionel expect him to be able to do against a bunch of looters? Just for the fun of it, I'm going to assume that these looters are a bunch of Jimmy Bats's goons.

Back to Judd and Vicki, they're heading back from the airport to Vicki's trailer park when they run into a little trouble.

One of the black leather-clad men stepped in front of Judd's car and slammed both palms on the hood. "Where do you think you're goin', boy!"

For a brief moment, I cheer because I start to think maybe we're going to have a cool Mad Max kind of apocalypse but that is quickly squelched.

Anyway, it turns out Vicki's trailer has burned to the ground and Judd demonstrates what a caring compassionate human being he is with this line:

At least, Judd thought, she knows the truth now.

And I'll leave y'all to point out the number of things wrong with that line.

It's so Boring

It's so boring

I don't know if any of y'all are Nostalgia Critic fans but I had to post a link to his Boring Song because this book is so damn boring. It has less action than a nursing home. I'm dead serious here; never have I so longed for the screwed up sexual politics of the grown-up books: at least it would give me something to talk about, but I'll try to do what I can.

Anyway, Lionel apparently is the only one concerned about Ryan so he goes after him and we do get this brief acknowledgement regarding the fate of Ryan's parents.

"How do you know how I feel?" Ryan blurted. "Your family's in heaven. For all I know, my parents aren't just dead, they're in hell."

Which is where they'll be for all eternity, suffering without end because God can't apply the brakes. I know I say that a lot but some things need to be repeated again and again lest we forget.

I keep thinking about how my favourite heroes would handle this. Batman and Superman would respond by calling up the league and the various other god-like beings they have on their rolodex, and together they would mount a massive war against the heavens. In fact, that's about the only sane course of action for anyone in response to such events. And again, I am still accepting fanfiction if anyone wants to write it.

Basically what happens in this chapter is Ryan and Lionel set up a tent in Ryan's backyard because Ryan can't bear to sleep inside his own house, the police tell Lionel that his uncle is dead, and I'm bored to death with the whole thing. Let's see if the next chapter's any better.

[reads ahead]

9 pages of Judd and Vicki trying to move Judd's car out of the parking garage?! 9 pages devoted to Ellanjay's hard-on for transportation! 9 perfectly innocent pieces of paper that could have been used for so much better purposes such as wrapping marijuana cigarettes or writing hare-brained manifestos or something!

[whimpers]

That's it. For now, I give up. Maybe next week I'll have renewed my strength enough to give these books the snarking they deserve, but right now, it's just so boring.

My Favourite Character

For those of you who were clammering in anticpation of more travel logistics, this is the chapter for you. Basically all that happens in this chapter is Judd and Vicki go back to O'Hare to get Judd's car. Oh and they say The Prayer and become Christians, but really that's it. Only someone as monumentally untalented as Ellanjay could make the apocalypse seem so boring.

But we are introduced to someone who's currently my favourite character: the cab driver. He's a walking cliche, the rough, tough cabbie, but right now he seems to be the only one, besides Ryan, who is affected by this disaster.

As the cabbie drives Judd and Vicki to the airport, we get this reflection from Vicki.

Now she realized, of course, that for at least the last two years--since her parents had become believers--she herself had been the problem. She had somehow realized that her life would not be her own if she became a Christian like her parents. They had told her and told her that she didn't need to clean up her life before she came to Christ. "Jesus accepts you just the way you are," her mother had told her. "He'll start showing you what needs to be changed and will hlep you change."

Okay, I'll give Ellanjay some credit here: that last statement is accurate. As we Christians are so prone to say, "The Church is a way station for sinners, not a country club for saints." Jesus didn't make the prostitutes promise to stop being prostitutes or the tax collectors to stop collecting taxes before he accepted them; he accepted them, warts and all. So as much as it pains me to admit it, I've got to give Ellanjay props.

Okay, I'll admit I have peeked at the wikipedia page for Left Behind: the Kids and apparently Vicki and Judd do hook up. But I was pleasantly surprised to find out that they don't hook up until the last year of the tribulation. I guess the thought of two ripe teenagers hooking up in the aftermath at so young an age, didn't sit well with Ellanjay, so at least we don't have to suffer through their attempts at romantic dialogue. :shudders in memory of Buck and Chloe:

Anyway, it's little details like these that make me like the cab driver so much. We ought to find it in our hearts to give him a name like we did for Jimmy Bats.

The cabby had fallen silent long ago. He kept taking huge swigs from a mug of coffee and opened his window so the cool night air filled the car. Vicki shivered and wished he would shut it, but didn't say anything. The way he looked, he'd probably been driving for twenty-four hours. She was not about to discourage anything that would keep him awake.

I suppose it is unrealistic that cab drivers would be working at all in the aftermath of the disaster--wouldn't it be more likely that their bosses would call them back to headquarters so they could get an accurate head-count on who's missing and who isn't--but still I like the cab driver because he is concerned with something besides himself. He reminds me a little of the lamp-lighter from The Little Prince.

Vicki then says The Prayer which once again, I have to give Ellanjay some props for: it feels a bit more natural and less wooden than The Prayer in the adult book. Kudos to Ellanjay for that much.

Anyway to wrap things up, they get to the airport and Vicki finds out that Judd too, has said The Prayer. So now they are both RTCs.

:shudders: I feel so unclean giving Ellanjay kudos. I hope this doesn't become a habit. :shudders again:

The Birth of Meta-Ryan

Unfortunately, this is primarily a Judd chapter. Those who have read my Judd posts will know that I don't much care for Judd, mostly because he is badly written. Again, he feels like the quiet Jesus Freak's attempt to guess what it is like to be the big man on campus.

After watching the video, Judd is reflecting on his own sins. One of the main problems with this series is that while the adult books at least had their characters admit to some serious sins, though not the right ones, Left Behind: The Kids is not only shoved into the Christian Lit section but the Kids section as well. Therefore, the sins the kids admit to are paltry ones. About the worst thing Judd did was commit credit card fraud and try to fly to England and :gasp: sip champagne and ignore his parents. Hardly stuff that warrants being tortured for seven years over.

But even Judd admits he's not completely on board with God right now and we see a flicker of true rebellious thought:

Whatever happened to the idea that God loved everybody and didn't want anybody to die and go to Hell? What kind of a God would leave a sixteen-year-old kid without his family?

Unfortunately Ellanjay quickly clamp down and squelch any rebelliousness from their protag.

Judd knew he wasn't thinking straight. In fact, he had to admit he was being ridiculous. But just then he didn't like God very much. He was mad at God because there was no one else to be mad at.

So Bruce Barnes asks the kids to share their stories. Ryan goes first.

"I don't know what I think about all this stuff you've been saying, Mr. Barnes. If it's true, I don't think either of my parents went to heaven. For sure my mom didn't because she was killed on the road sometime this morning. My dad was listed with the passengers that went down in a plane crash. I don't think he would have been one of those who disappeared. I mean, he was great and I loved him, but he never said anything about being a Christian or even going to church."

And for that crime, his parents are suffering forever and ever without end. I know I keep repeating that a lot but since the book never touches on that subject, someone has to. I mean, we're not talking about Adolf Q. Stalin-Pot or someone like that, but ordinary people who sins were probably limited to flipping the bird at someone who cut them off or taking an occasional glance at Playboy. Only someone like Adolf Q. Stalin-Pot would wish an eternity of suffering upon someone like that.

If you're wondering, Lionel has immediately accepted the truth which causes this outburst from Ryan.

Ryan leaped from his seat and ran out, shouting through his sobs. "It's not fair! It's not fair! This is crazy! Why would God do this?"

And the world cheers and roots for Ryan, who is currently, though only twelve, being the voice of sanity in an insane world. Not to mention, he's the only one acting like he's really lost someone.

I know we normally do Metas for female characters because they are so abused by Ellanjay but I think we need a Meta-Ryan.

Judd, Bruce, Vicki, and Lionel watched him go. "Aren't you going to try to stop him?" Judd asked Bruce.
Bruce shook his head. "He'll be back. Where else does he have to go?"

Bruce, I hate to break it to you, but you're not the Pope of Mount Prospect. There are probably dozens of other churches around sheltering those left behind and offering real comfort as opposed to your taunting, "Well aren't you sorry now" kind of comfort.

Now I want someone to write a fanfic where Ryan runs away only to stumble into Lord Asriel, from His Dark Materials. Someone write a fic where they mount a plan to rescue the kidnapped and kill God. I hated Lord Asriel in Philip Pullman's books because he was a self-righteous dick but right now, compared with the God of this book, he should be nominated for sainthood.

Vicki meanwhile, is sitting on the truth, but she still hasn't said the prayer. Neither has Judd. Despite earlier saying that they shouldn't make hasty decisions, Bruce is putting the pressure on them. You have to wonder, was this book edited by monkeys or was it even edited at all?

And that's it for this week. Inspired by Pius Thickenesse's blog on Edge of Apocalypse (sorry if I misspelled your moniker), I thought I'd issue forth a challenge. If any of my faithful readers, the few, the proud, want to write fanfiction for Left Behind: the kids, email me and I will post it on my blog. If you want to borrow my Lord Asriel idea, go for it. Heck, I'll even let you get away without having to explain how he wound up in Mount Prospect.

Meet Barnes, Bruce Barnes

Warning! This will be a long post. Those who object to that might be more at home playing with a piece of tinfoil than reading onwards.

The chapter starts with Judd finally getting home and seeing his family is gone. He had already suspected it was the rapture; now, he's getting confirmation in his family being gone.

So he and all the other protags head over to New Hope Village Church. And they face no trouble whatsoever. No roving gangs, no wrecked cars blocking the way, no nothing. Remember this was the scene just a chapter or two ago.



Yet they face no trouble getting to church and when they do, Bruce doesn't greet them with a shotgun he's keeping by his side in case he needs to defend his church.

Bruce is described as a "man in his thirties with curly hair and wire-rimmed glasses." I suppose this is a step up from saying he's a young Robert Redford, but I have a question related to continuity. I want to know if this is how he's described in the adult books. I'd be surprised if it was consistent given Jenkins's style of writing.

Bruce shows admirable restraint, if you want to call it that in his conversation with Ryan.

"Did you lose some family?" the man said.
Ryan nodded. "They died," he managed.
"No, they are in heaven with Jesus."
"They didn't get taken," Ryan insisted. "My dad died in a plane crash and my mom in a car accident."

Bruce manages to resist telling Ryan the truth according to this series: that because God can't apply the brakes, his parents are doomed to burn in hell forever and ever without end. Maybe he resists because he knows that would be bad for his sales pitch, but this fact is never visited upon by anyone in the series. If they did, there would be questions raised, and Ellanjay, who are the Gods of this universe, wouldn't like those questions.

Now here's Bruce's story.

"I lost my wife and my young children. They disappeared from their beds, and I knew immediately that I had been living a lie. I had been to Bible college and was a pastor, but I always thought that I could get by, living for myself and never making the decision to receive Christ."

Nice to know, Bruce couldn't even be bothered to give the names of the people he lost. I mean, they're just his wife and children. Surely he couldn't care that much.

But then again, maybe he doesn't. He does seem to be more preoccupied with his own salvation then with the fact they're gone. It makes me long for Clarence Gilyard's portrayal of Bruce in the movie. It wasn't a perfect performance but at least he was expressing honest grief about what happened.

But Bruce has some good news. They can say the prayer and when Jesus slaughters them during the next seven years, they get to be in heaven too!

"That won't take away your sorrow, your grief, or your loneliness. I can't even imagine a day when I won't cry over what I've lost. But now I don't apologize for telling everybody who comes in here how they can receive Christ. It's really quite simple. God made it easy."

And for the price of three payments of $19.95 plus your eternal soul, you too can be saved! Bruce's pitch so far makes me think of infomercials but then again, he too, is stressed with the importance of moving product.

Anyway, here comes Bruce's pitch.

"First," he said, "we have to see ourselves as God sees us. THe BIble says all have sinned, that ther is none righteous, no, not one. It also says we can't save ourselves. Lots of people thought they could earn their way to God or to heaven by doing good things, but that's the biggest misunderstanding ever. The Bible says it's not by works we have done, but by his mercy that God saves us. We are saved by grace through Christ, not of ourselves, so we can't brag about our goodness."

The Bible also speaks of Jesus saying this in Mark 10:17-22

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'"

"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Not to mention Matthew 25:31-46 defines the righteous as those who feed the hungry, clothe the naked, take in strangers, and visit prisoners. I suppose that works can count as meaningless if done solely in thought of getting rewarded with eternal life, but what if these works were done simply out of human compassion as Jesus intended?

Bruce then gives the standard spiel about Jesus dying for your sins and warns against making a hasty decision, which makes me laugh, because according to the laws of Ellanjay's universe, the word of Jesus is supposed to be so amazing that you decide instantly.

So they watch the video and we are spared Vernon Billings's preaching, thank God for small favours, and we are left with this question: "Will you receive Christ?"