Take Comfort: John Dies at the End

Sorry there was no new snark last week: I was on residency. I should have left a message but I doubt that anyone was biting their nails in anticipation of my snark anyway.

As you would recall from the previous snark, there's a ridiculously huge Rock of Death (ROD) the size of the Appalachians that's about to hit earth and of course, our brave heroes, the YTF are bravely watching the news who keep insisting that this massive rock will burn up in the atmosphere. Apparently the (ROD) will land in the Atlantic Ocean though some suggest if it splits apart in the atmosphere, pieces will land in the midwest. They talk about how the ROD will cause tidal waves, tornados, and strong winds. Oh man, what I wouldn't give to have Bad Astronomer take apart all this bullshit for me. You know it's BS when even an amateur astonomer like me can tell you it's BS.

Okay, I didn't read that carefully: John is actually aboard a boat but now they're drawing straws to see who gets a seat aboard the sub or in other words, who will live and who will die. This might be suspenseful if we didn't know that even if John gives up his seat (he does) he'll still get that martyrdom all good RTCs crave so the horrors of his death won't be lingered upon.

John takes over the intercom and starts preaching the gospel according to Ellanjay. I won't snark it but it's basically "Zod beats you but you deserve it and if you kneel before him before he kills you, you'll end up in paradise, but if you refuse to submit, his hands are tied and you'll be sent to Hell to suffer for all eternity along with the rest of your heathen loved ones, but that's okay because Zod is bigger than you and always will be."

Some of the men aboard the boat pray but John winds up in the brig thus racking up more of those sweet martyr points that RTCs crave, but a fellow RTC frees him and lets him out so he can deliver a message to the YTF.

Okay so there's five minutes until impact and the people aboard the boat are panicking except for a guy named Jim Pelton. [Warning! Massive Amount of Profanity Ahead!] He talks about a minister he should have listened to, who had the fucking gall to use the tragedy of the Titanic in order to chalk up more Saveds on his fuselage. Because nothing conveys the love of Jesus like using a horrific tragedy in which thousands died, most of them poor immigrants, to save people. It's one of these moments where I become a volcano of rage who can't stop trying to invent newer and better swears to use against these assholes because even the strongest ones seem weak when faced with such an overwhelming amount of bullshit.

Oh as if using the Titanic as a hypothetical bus wasn't bad enough, the "good" minister said that there were two types of people aboard the boat: those who were saved and those who were lost at sea.

I would say something but right now I'm experiencing one of Dr. Cox's White Hot Flashes of Fury so anything that comes out will likely be the kind of incoherent barrage of profanity and incoherence that would cause even a crazy hobo to be like, "Dude, tone it down a notch."

Anyway, the ROD hits, John dies, the YTF bravely watch TV, Nicky Tangra has the gall to sympathize with those who've lost everything, and Moishe and Eli (or as I like to call them, the Gruesome Twosome) rant like crazy hobos yet for some reason, we're supposed to marvel at the sagacity of their words. [deep breath]

I'm starting to think I need to make a top ten list of the most Assholish behaviour seen or mentioned in Left Behind: the kids and put up a poll so y'all can vote on what deserves to be number one. It's been a while since I've done polls and I'm feeling the itch to do another one. Whaddya think is using the Titanic to save souls for TurboJesus worse than the Cavalcade of Assholery or not? Or do you think the Cavalcade sets the gold standard for Assholish behaviour in the kids version and will never be topped?

My Gift to You: a Three-Piece Snark

Well the YTF are out of danger and safely at a gas station. But all is not well. Y'see Taylor wants revenge against the GC; that unsaved heathen has the gall to want to actually :gasp: do something to thwart the GC as opposed to the YTF's strategy which is pretty much sit on your ass and twiddle your thumbs until TurboJesus comes. This of course makes him currently the only awesome character in this book. Basically Taylor's response to the YTF criticizing him for shooting missles at the GC is essentially my own: "Hey I saved your sorry asses so what are you complaining about." Though given that the GC is made up of eeevil hardened reprobates who refuse to kneel before Zod, why would they object to him killing them. It's almost as though they :gasp: care about the soldiers because they are humans and human life is valuable rather than their big saved or unsaved status.

The YTF watch the news and snicker as the newscaster does the standard "Freakish event happened/Zod not involved" story we've come to accept from the Ellanjay universe. Then Judd talks to John who has been forcibly drafted into working aboard one of the GC submarines which makes sense because again, they're evil despots.

They then read Token Jew's message which I won't snark because it's basically repeating what's already been said. Is it that difficult to remember the precise order of all the shit that's going to happen to you in the Tribulation that you need it repeated again and again?

Next chapter is told from John's perspective aboard the sub as it blows up an unidentified vessel. It's a fairly well-written scene but I can't vouch for the accuracy; I don't know anything about procedures related to subs. I have a sneaking suspicion that Ellanjay cribbed from a Tom Clancy novel.

So the YTF are meeting and for once, they're actually acting like teenagers fighting with each other over stupid things because they're stressed as hell over what's going on. But then evil bikers show up.

Back to John on the sub. Apparently they've just received word that a huge-ass meteor is headed to earth.

Okay so the gangsters are thronging the station and Pete goes out to confront them. The gas station owner tells them of a guy in Des Plaines who can help hide them. Vicki dyes her hair black and Judd gets a bad haircut.

Then they turn on the news and hear information about the incoming meteor which is a comet according to the news. Apparently it's the size of the Appalachian Mountains but the astronomers only just now spotted it and they predict it will burn up in the atmosphere. Y'know if I ever make a reality show out of these snarks, I'm going to see if I can get Phil Blatt aka Bad Astronomy guy to appear on my show and beat Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins with an astronomy textbook and a physics textbook. Me, if I had to pick a weapon, I'd do a college composition textbook.

The meteor/comet is going to hit at nine according to our brave heroes which currently means they have two hours left. I never thought I'd say this but this book is making the science in the movie Armageddon seem plausible.

Anyway, that's the snark and now I'll do my part in the continuing War on Christmas by saying, "Happy Holidays!"