Whole Lotta Dyin' Goin' On

Hello and happy Sunday, my increasingly dwindling readership! I hope you had a good week.

Okay so Mr. Stahley dies and Darrion asks Ryan what happens to him now and here's Ryan's response.

"I asked Bruce that same question," Ryan said. "The Bible is clear. When a Christian dies, he or she goes to be with God. That means there's a big reunion going on right now with your father and your other family members who were Christians."

And the collective response of everyone who reads this blog: What about your parents, you insensitive prick. You know, the people who raised you and loved you, who are now suffering for all eternity without end because Zod can't apply the brakes.

:deep breath: I know this kind of insensitivity is par the course for Ellanjay protags but it still shocks me for some reason.

Mrs. Stahley converts and Ryan and Judd talk. It's the usual kind of humble posturing you get from young Alpha-males in training.

"Yeah, Bruce always said God can do big things through you when you feel the weakest. That way he gets the glory."

And you'll note that God in RTCland gets all the credit for all the good and none of the bad. He gets credit for sparing Noah but not for the flood. Or if a firefighter rushes into a burning building and saves children, God was acting through him, but if a gunman shoots a busload of children, it is man using his free will to do evil.

Judd tells Ryan that Bruce is dead and we get one of the few instances of grieving in these books as Ryan grieves for Bruce. Oh and we find out that Bruce had three children before the Rapture slaughtered them.

Mrs. Stahley gives the YTF all her savings as a thank you for saving her so their money worries are gone. The chapter ends with this reflection from Judd.

He had lost a dear friend. He had seen Darrion, her mother, and her father accept the gift of salvation. He had witnessed Mr. Stahley's death and the death of others. He had seen destruction near his home and in downtown Chicago. In the midst of it all, he had seen the power of God's love at work in the lives of his friends.

Collective Response of everyone who reads this blog: When? When Zod slaughtered all your parents and siblings? When he sentenced Ryan's parents to an eternity of suffering? When he bombed the hell out of nine cities?

Head, say hello to Desk. I'm sure you'll have tons in common.

Next Chapter, we find out that Buck has a modicrum of sympathy for other people. Apparently he rescued Verna and brought her to his house. Though, I have a feeling he only did it so he could chalk another saved on his fuselage. Oh and hear Bruce talk about his brief talk with Carpathia.

"Last night in fact," Buck said. "He wanted to know about the coverage of the war here. His voice got real emotional when I told him. He said it was a tragedy."

"Makes me sick," Judd said. "Is that all he said?"

ARRGH! That's because it is a tragedy even if Nicky Alps is the cause of it. Nicky is showing more sympathy towards human life than the so-called heroes.

Oh and Nicky wants Buck to go to Baghdad and New Babylon to cover meetings. Nine cities are bombed and they're covering meetings. Oy vey!

But Buck opts out. Appparently even meetings are too scary for our Buck. Buck has decided to go to Israel.

Oh and we finally see Chaya. After forever hiding in the background, she has something to say. Apparently her father doesn't want her at her mother's funeral because she's a Christian now.

Oh and Token Jew's wife and family have been killed because he converted to RTC-anity. I have a feeling he'll demonstrate all the compassion and sympathy of a soapdish when we see him later on.

Those War-mongering Anti-war Activists

So Judd, Vicki, and Mr. Stahley are off in pursuit of Darrion, when they notice they're being followed by NWO goons. Judd suggests that they let the goons lead them to where Ryan and Darrion are and that's the end of that part.

Meanwhile Ryan and Darrion are hiding out from the goons and we get a brief Home Alone-style pratfall when one of the goons slips on some candy mixture that Ryan had put out to stop them. I've got to wonder just what kind of candy is that slick, but criticizing small details like that is like criticizing the paint job on the Titanic: there's so much wrong to deal with.

Ryan and Darrion escape the goons and :sigh: here comes Darrion's inevitable conversion. As much as y'all hoped it wouldn't happen because conversion for female characters in Ellanjay land equals losing compassion and brains, but only off-screen characters, aka characters besides the anti-christ and his goons, go to Hell.

"I need to tell you something," Darrion said. "I've made my decision."
Ryan sat up straight. "What do you mean?"
"You know," she said, "about God and everything. What you said makes a lot of sense. I think he did send you to tell me the truth. I'm ready."

Oh and did I mention the bombing just began? I know it's impossible to tell from that conversation but it did. Most sane people would be going "Oh shit!" Or even :gasp: :choke: worrying about their loved ones in a time like this, but Ryan and Darrion are above such paltry concerns.

Next chapter, Darrion and Ryan are recaptured. You'd think that the bombing would render the goons' concerns worthless but you're thinking wrong apparently. Don't worry though; Mr. Stahley shows up and they get away, yet again. Y'know this constant get captured/escape plot is getting really boring.

Anyway, they escape in time to watch a broadcast from Nicky Koryak, who blames the attack on the late Gerald Fitzhugh. Something tells me there should be an emphasis on late.

But anyway, Nicky naturally calls himself an anti-war activist and since there's nobody in the text who ever calls him on the whole "Man of Peace being a warmonger" bullshit, we're forced to conclude that Ellanjay thinks that all anti-war activists secretly hunger for war. Nicky also :gasp: :choke: asks that everyone work together for the common good. That's communism and we can't have that!


But Mr. Stahley, currently the smartest character in this story, is aware that his career with the NWO is over and he and his family had better escape before Nicky Kunlun decides to wrap up loose ends. But in the ensuing escape attempt, Mr. Stahley is shot, but don't worry, folks, he decides to have a conversion.

It's your standard prayer but once again, I have to comment on RTCs' tendency towards spellcasting. Remember in their world if you don't say The Prayer, you're screwed, but again, it has to be exactly the right words or the spell won't work. You can't just say, "O God save me!" And you certainly can't pray to Zod to call off the attack or spare those who haven't yet converted; what kind of satanic talk is that?

Current Status: Comatose

For the love of Jehovah, this book is criminally boring.

Okay so the goons make the phone call, but Ryan, when given the call, shouts Darrion's name. This worries the goons for some reason but Ryan gets out of this situation unscathed.

Apparently Darrion Stahley is the daughter of the Global Community's Chief of Security so Judd and Vicki decide to go to the Stahley mansion only to be confronted by a bunch of dogs.

Next chapter, Ryan and Darrion continue to discuss religion. As always, it's Darrion who keep making all the good points despite Ellanjay's attempts to quash her spirit.

"If this God you talk about can do all those miracles why can't he get us out of here?" she said angrily.
"He can," Ryan said. "He can do anything he wants. Heal the sick. Raise the dead. Sometimes he lets poeple go through stuff like this."

Can we say "Cop-out," boys and girls? Again, Ellanjay can't answer the reason for human suffering except to say that "He beats me but I know he loves me anyway."

Anyway, Darrion and Ryan bust out and meanwhile, back to Judd and Vicki. They meet with Mr. Stahley and find out the reason for Darrion's abduction. It was done by someone within the NWO who was punishing Mr. Stahley for objecting to Nicky Knuckles's plans to strategically bomb Montreal, Toronto, Dallas, Mexico City, Washington D.C., New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Chicago.

And that's it for these two chapters. Sorry again, for poor quality of snark. I would have thrown in a third chapter, but apparently a lot goes down in that one.

Ryan Daley, Butt Monkey Extraordinaire

This is still a mostly Ryan section and Lord, is it dull.

So the YTF minus Ryan decide to read some of Bruce's notes. Apparently in addition to sermon notes, Bruce wrote about his friends. Basically he talks about how Ryan was the last to make his decision and mentions something about an idea that could put his relationship with the TF. But I thought Bruce was the top of the complicated hierarchy that RTCs love. Why would he have to worry about kowtowing to the TF or is this a case that all characters in this story recognize that they are not as worthy as Rayford and Buck.

Meanwhile the goons who grabbed Ryan are about to let him go, but Ryan convinces them to hold onto him. This seems stupid but it's possible that he could be expressing concern for another human being and therefore is refusing to be released unless Darrion is released as well, but such concern is a rare thing in an Ellanjay novel so I can't be sure.

Next, the YTF discover their Junior-Hole-in-the-Ground filled with the Bibles they've collected and Ryan's diary. Naturally because they respect and care about Ryan's privacy, they decide to read it. Good to know you have such caring friends, Ryan.

Meanwhile back to Ryan. He bluffs the goons by telling him about his "Father" who is preparing a mansion for him. Naturally of course, us astute readers can tell he's referring to his heavenly father, but the goons have all the intelligence of a character in a Jack Chick tract so they don't pick up on this.

Okay, next chapter, Darrion talks about her aunt and uncle who disappeared while being held in custody in Romania because they knew too much about Nicky Fansipan, thus setting up for Darrion's inevitable conversion.

Meanwhile we get another appearance of Chloe, who so far has made more appearances in this series than her father, as the remaining YTF continue reading Bruce's notes, which allow Bruce to have a presence in the novel without actually being here, making me wonder if I need to revive my "Bruce Barnes is Useless" tag. Basically, he talks about the Red Horse being released, which means WWIII will start but Nicholae will come out of it as the great peacemaker though it will all be a lie.

Next cut to Ryan and Darrion and we get a discussion of Enigma Babylon Faith vs. RTC faith.

"That's the difference between what Enigma Babylon One World Faith teaches and what I believe. The new religion says you should trust yourself. Decide for yourself which way you should go. As long as you follow your inner voice, you'll be okay."

"That's not exactly what they teach, but go on."

Yes, go on you patronizing git, go on completely misrepresenting my faith.

"The new religion says I should put my faith in faith, in whatever I find that makes me feel like I'm following God."

"You got a problem with that?" Darrion said.

"Yeah, it's just plain wrong. You can't let your feelings guide what you believe. You believe what is true."

"And what is true? One persons's truth might not fit somebody else. See, now you're being exclusive."

One of the repeated problems with these novels: the so-called bad people accidentally end up making more sense than the Elsie Dinsmore characters.

Basically Ryan says she should believe in God rather than belief and does the whole, God sent his son to die for us spiel. Darrion responds by saying, "How can you be so sure?"

Here's Ryan's response in all its (non)-glory:

"I'm not sure because I have great faith. I'm sure because God is great. God showed how great he was in the miracles he performed. The Bible predicts the disappearances and the rise of the one-world government. It's coming true all around us.

So you believe in God only because of what you've seen. Then how is this helpful for the readers in the audience who likely won't ever see said convoluted prophecies ever come true? What is supposed to be the basis of their faith? This is why these books are worthless when it comes to educating on the faith.

The chapter ends with Buck posing as Ryan's father and tracing the call and that's it for this week. Have fun taking apart Ryan's logic, fellow snarkers.

Full of Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing

I really have to apologize for the poor quality of snark in these chapters. We're starting a new book (#9) and there's a lot happening but none of it is really snarkable.

Okay, so the book begins with a cut to Ryan. After spending countless chapters as a background character following his conversion, he is now in the forefront. We get actually a fairly decent description of the chaos going on as he struggles to ride his bike away from the scene, when disaster strikes! His bike gets caught on the bumper of a van and he gets thrown in back where there's another kid, bound and gagged with duct tape.

If you're wondering the kid Ryan is being held with turns out to be a girl named Darrion Stahley. Darrion is a rich kid being held hostage presumably for her parents money which given what has happened, you've got to wonder if that even matters anymore. Wouldn't the disappearance of every child plus the nuking of several major cities have a major impact on the financial markets? At least they would in a well-written book.

If you're wondering what the rest of the YTF are doing right now: mostly they're just running around trying to figure out where Ryan is which would make sense given the chaos that would follow a disaster of this proportion, but it's rather boring to read about.

Okay, turn to the third chapter. About the same is going on. Ryan tries to bond with his fellow kidnappee only to discover she's into the NWO religion so needless to say his feeble attempts to convert her don't work. Oh and the remaining members of the YTF hang out with Loretta the church secretary and discuss Bruce.

That's all that happens. Once again, I apologize for the poor quality of snark. I now leave it all in your capable hands, fellow snarkers.

Bombs Away!

If it seems like I'm speeding through the first chapter, it's because nothing really happens. The kids worry about Bruce. Yawn. MEGO.

But the action finally picks up in the last part when the city is bombed. And the hospital where Bruce was staying while Ryan visited was bombed.

There really isn't much to snark on in these two chapters which make up the last of my book. For one thing, we have some genuine excitement for a change.

Basically what happened was the East Coast Militia launched an attack and the NWO followed up with a counter-attack. Again, for a militia they sure don't seem to know much about guerilla warfare as this kind of open assault was bound to be brutally crushed quickly. But again, as Firedrake reminds us in a previous comment, the American Militia movement isn't known for its brains.

Anyway we hear more from Carpathia as he says the words that Ellanjay thinks every eeevil pacifist utters:

It is no secret that I am, always have been, and always will be a pacifist. I do not believe in war. I do not believe in weaponry. I do not believe in bloodshed."

Again, it would be an interesting novel if Carpathia was a pacifist conned and forced into declaring war or if it pointed out his hypocrisy, but remember, Ellanjay thinks that all pacifists are wolves in sheep's clothing. No one could possibly, really be dedicated to ending war unless they had some sort of ulterior motive.

Anyway, the US Capital is destroyed, Heathrow is nuked, and Bruce Barnes is dead. That means I have to retire my "Bruce Barnes is Useless" tag. Pity. But from what I've heard, Token Jew takes over Bruce's job of exposition and shooting all sense of suspense in the head.

They find Mark alive near where the Milita base was and he is forced by Ellanjay to admit that Judd was right.

Oh, and finally someone expresses concern for Ryan. I would ask why they weren't immediately worried when he was missing but again, Ryan is the series' Butt Monkey second only to Hattie in terms of the abuse he receives from other characters.

And that's the end of books 5-8. Were they good? They were better than the adult books but again, that's like a kick in the gut being better than a kick in the teeth.

Sorry not to provide the finest snark, but there wasn't really much to make fun of. I'll let y'all take your best shot in the comments.

A Wedding, A Trip around the World (with no pictures), and A Heart Attack

So our YTF, after bravely beating a brave retreat, spend time discussing whether or not the militia is a good idea. Mark is still on board with the idea which makes Judd and Vicki mad. Mark is like, "A change is going to come" and Judd says the change has to be spiritual, and I'm like "O RLY?" in response to Judd's response. Because I haven't seen any sort of change in Judd except that he's stopped "rebelling" and become exactly like his parents which he probably would have done regardless of whether there had been a rapture or not.

Oh and the infamous double wedding between Buck and Chloe and Rayford and Amanda takes place. I really can't comment much on it, save to say that I'm surprised "Love, honour, and obey" wasn't in their vows. I thought someone as patriarchial as Ellanjay would insist upon that. Oh and Rayford and Amanda are moving to New Babylon because the anti-Christ wants all his staff there.

Next up, Bruce and Judd go on a trip around the world and somehow they manage to do this without seeing anything worthy of note. Again, at least Dan Brown, for all his faults, gives you a description of the places his hero goes.

First up is Australia then they go to Indonesia and it's about as boring to type as it is to read. Apparently everyone's dying to hear Bruce's message despite the fact everyone's supposed to be an eeevil athiest now. Oh and Bruce has a heart attack during a flight. But don't worry: people are only allowed to die manly deaths of martyrdom, not heart attacks.

Chaya's mom shows up again in the next chapter and we find out she has cancer. Chaya naturally decides now's her chance to chalk one up on her fuselage and begins trying to convert her.

Meanwhile, the manly men are still trying to talk Mark out of being in the militia by pointing out that if he does join the militia in their attack on the NWO, Rayford's life would be in danger. :cue dramatic prairie dog: This is important because since Rayford is LaHaye's self-insert, he matters above all other human life.

Anyway, I still like Mark because again, he's willing to do something, no matter how futile it may be, to try to prevent the suffering the anti-Christ will bring. That's a hell of a lot more than what the YTF or the TF are willing to do.

Here's a quote from Mark:

"Have any of you considered the possibility that I'm right? I'm going to fight the enemy of this country and the enemy of our souls. People are going to die no matter what. You ought to support me and be thankful the militia is willing to put it all on the line."

Again, the child soldier thing sickens me, especially since didn't Judd want to be a child soldier a few chapters ago, but I feel a need to repeat this: at least they're doing something unlike Bruce "Useless" Barnes and everyone else in this novel.

And that's it for this week.