Our Heroes

Well we're on the last two chapters of the first four books of Left Behind: the Kids. Fear not, I already have the collection with the next four books at the ready. I'll be able to continue to provide the highest quality snark for you.

Anyway, Vicki still doesn't believe that Nicholae Carpathia is the anti-Christ because she's a woman with girl parts. Okay, so Ellanjay doesn't say that; instead they say its because he's so smooth and charming, clearly an informed attribute because we never see him demonstrate any of those qualities. BTW, why was Vicki calling Judd on the telephone when they live in the same house? I guess chalk it up to Ellanjay's hard-on for telephones again. Oh and there's some debate about names and titles with Bruce and they settle on Kids Tribulation Force which is supposed to be better than Junior Tribulation Force how? Anyway, that's the sum of that chapter, so on with the next one.

So apparently Bruce has everyone tell their story and rather than talk about the family members they lost, these self-centered idiots only want to talk about themselves and where they were on their faith journey.

I suppose we should be grateful Ellanjay opts to summarize so we don't have to hear every dot and tittle of Judd's story again. But we do get this:

And yet Judd loved to get to the grace part. He never grew tired of telling the wonderful news that he had been given a second chance. God's grace extended to him despite his rebillion and failure the first time around. He realized he ahd been more than fortunate. He could easily have been killed in an accident during the Rapture, as so many others had.

And all those people killed in an accident during the rapture are now in Hell, being slowly roasted alive thanks to the disaster that God caused. Such a ringing endorsement of his mercy and grace. :eyeroll:

Then Beth Murray, the lawyer Bruce hired to help Talia, decides to tell her story. Atheist and agnostic readers in the audience, have your blood pressure medicine at the ready, because there is so much wrong to deal with.

Her story was a new one to Judd. She said she had been an atheist, "but in actuality, describing myself as an agnostic would have been more precise. I worshippped at the altar of education, achievement, and materialism."

[long scream]

Sorry about that had to do a little primal therapy before I could tackle this passage.

You must remember that all other beliefs, except for Christianity, are disingenuous in Ellanjay land. Atheist, Agnostics, or Muslims and Hindus or any other practitioners of any other belief systems, do not genuinely have different ideas about God or the nature of the universe: their religion is about sticking their fingers in their ears and going "La-la can't hear you..." This is because Ellanjay is incapable of grasping the simple fact that someone can be passionately and sincerely wrong.

Next we meet Buck Williams the ruggedly handsome thirtyish reporter. And before y'all get onto me about referring to him as ruggedly handsome and thirtyish, I only did because that's how the book refers to him. Even in the Kids series, everyone bows to the greatness that is Buck and Rayford.

Anyway Bruce begins talking about vial judgements and bowls of wrath in his ongoing effort to shoot what little suspense the book had in the back. Major case of what editors would call MEGO (My Eyes Glaze Over) but it's clear this book was never touched by editors. My personal opinion is that all this stuff about the suffering and chaos of the Tribulation probably wouldn't shock someone living in say, the Congo, or Afghanistan where chaos and suffering is pretty much their daily life. About the only thing that would change for them is that there's no children so the rebel groups will be even more at war with each other. Other than that, it'd be pretty much the same.

Anyway, Buck introduces himself:

"First," Mr. Williams said, "I go by Buck. Calling me Mr. Williams makes me feel too old, and calling me Cameron makes me think you're making fun of me the way kids did in grade school years ago."

Now this is an interesting bit of past information we get from Buck: apparently he was made fun of in school. Now let's have a little fun and speculate on what he was made fun of for. My guess is for being a loser-virgin-cowardly-reporter-who-never-actually-does-any-reporting.

Anyway Buck lists all the checkmarks of the anti-Christ: seven-year-peace treaty, one world religion, peace and love, and he enjoys buttered scones with tea. Oh, wait, sorry about the last part. I must have gotten bored.

Anyway, Bruce tells about the meeting between him and Nicholae and all of Nicholae's hangers-on that we witnessed in the adult books. It goes pretty much the same way as the adult books with all the same problems. Like why didn't Buck try to stop Carpathia from shooting these men. Again with the others, you can say they were under his mind-whammy but Buck wasn't. The only answer I can come up with was because Buck was more concerned with saving his own skin than with the lives of others. Our Hero, boys and girls.

Anyway, now that Buck's done with his story and they all have concrete proof of who the anti-Christ is, and they've agreed to keep it secret so as to let the rest of their congregation suffer horribly under an oppressive dictator, they pray and that's the end of the book.

I'll see you all next week when we start with Left Behind: the Kids #5.

An Insult to Martyrs

Well you'll be happy to know we're nearing the end of my edition of the book. My edition is basically the first four books shoved together so after next week, we'll have done the first four books of Left Behind: the Kids. Woo-hoo! Only thirty-six more to go. Let's take a few moments to give some kind words to Fred, who's condemned to a Wandering Jew-like existence given how long it's taken him to get through two books of a thirteen book series. I'm kidding, Fred, I love you. I wouldn't even be doing this snark if it weren't for you providing me with the inspiration.

Anyway, Josey has decided to kneel before Zod and Vicki is not sure what to do. That's because in Ellanjay's world, Christianity isn't a beggar telling another beggar where they found bread, but a case of possessing the correct gnosis or secret knowledge. Josey will be lost forever unless she demonstrates proper knowledge of all End Times philosophy.

Anyway, here's Josey's prayer. Read it and weep: Josey is about to have her conscience surgically removed.

"God," Josey whispered, her voice thick with emotion, "you know I've been looking for you for years, and I'm glad to hear you've been looking for me too. I know I'm supposed to start by telling you that I know I'm a sinner and that I need you. Part of me always wanted to do good and be known as a nice person, but I knew myself then and I know myself now. I've never been able to be the kind of person I know you would want me to be. Thank you for dying for my sins and for forgiving me. Forgive me for not being ready when you came for your people. If you will accept me, and I believe you will, I offer you the rest of my life."

I have to admit, Josey's prayer did get an emotional response from me that wasn't disgust at the writer, which is rare when it comes to Jenkins' prose. Josey, who, as I said before, was seeking something bigger than herself, has accepted a small-minded tyrant who will hold every sin, no matter how small, as a mark against her. Not to mention, you have to remember that both Ellanjay and their god have little value for women, especially those who demonstrate any kind of questioning nature, such as Josey with her interest in New Age Philosophy. I expect it won't be long before Josey becomes an obedient Stepford wife who spends her time silently praying for her black sheep of a husband.

Speaking of Tom Fogarty, he and Judd are at the hospital now getting word on a fellow cop and the news is not good. In fact, the news is delivered by the most insensitive nurse on the planet. It's clear Ellanjay have grown up in a plastic bubble and have never heard anyone actually speak. Basically what the nurse says, sounds like something off of an autopsy report written by someone with a hard-on for ammunition porn. Don't believe me? Here's a sample

"You sounded like you wanted the truth, young man. I'm giving it to you. This patient took--" she began reading--" 'a high-speed, hollow-point, nine-millimeter shell to the cheek-bone from less than six feet away, fired from a Beretta service revolver.'"

Do I need to explain why this dialogue is awful? Every single bit of it is clumsy and awkward and reaks of what Turkey City Lexicon would call "I've suffered for my art and now it's your turn."

Anyway, the cop that they were visiting dies and not surprisingly, Tom has some very pointed questions for Judd. This isn't surprising at all--it's a very human response to a tragedy--but Ellanjay have no answers except "The Devil Made them Do it" or in other words, the worst thing you can possibly say to someone who's suffering, "It's God's will."

Judd tries to frame it as a lesson which Tom doesn't take well at all. In fact his response is every human's response to that kind of framing and reading it makes you cheer for Tom and hope desperately that he escapes being converted, because, as you recall, in Ellanjay land, conversion doesn't make you a more humane, caring individual; it makes you even more of a self-centered jackass than before.

"Explain that one to me," he said, "if you know the mind of God so well."
"I never claimed that, Mr. Fogarty, but it's sure a lesson, isn't it?"
"Yeah? What's the moral of this story?"
"Don't wait. If you're curious about God, don't put off finding out about him."
"So a great young cop dies to warn me to find God? I don't think so."

Again, right now, Tom is being Huck. He is resisting the idea that other humans were created to serve as moral lessons for him to learn; he is saying that if others go to hell, than he will go to hell.

Again, I really like Tom. He has more a knowledge of human suffering than Judd "I'm too sexy for my parents" Thompson and Bruce "Bible College" Barnes. He even apologizes for taking out his anger on Judd and asks that Judd not lose his faith because of him.

Next chapter, it's Sunday again which means the Static Quartet and the Tribulation Farce are all gathered along with the nameless extras. But Bruce has already told the Static Quartet and Tribulation Farce that he thinks Nicholae Carpathia is the anti-Christ, but has decided to keep this from his congregation and let them suffer under a brutal dictator because they are not worthy of the gnosis or secret knowledge. Read this next passage. If your blood pressure doesn't rise, then you're officially a corpse.

When Judd heard Bruce's message that Sunday, he realized the point of all the secrecy. Bruce outlined from Scripture what he believed were the characteristics of the antichrist, and anybody with a brain could see he was talking about Carpathia. But Bruce was careful not to use his name or the name of the organization he ran. Judd decided that Bruce had big plans and that he wanted to survive in order to carry them out. He wanted to expand his ministry, to branch out and teach small groups in homes all over America and maybe the rest of the world. If he said from the pulpit exactly who he thought was the antichrist--and if he were right--his life would be worthless.

Our hero, everyone, more concerned with expanding his church than possibly witnessing and through said witnessing, preventing the suffering of millions.

Not only is Ellanjay the anti-Huck, they're also the anti-Shadrach, anti-Meshach, and anti-Abednego. For those whose knowledge of the Bible is rusty, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, were three Jews who refused to bow down and worship an idol of Nebuchadnezzar and for their troubles, were thrown into a furnace. Yet God spared them and through them, they were able to convert thousands to the Lord. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego's example has served to inspire countless people of faith the world over but I think an even better example can be found in Stephen, the first martyr of the Christian faith. Stephen believed so strongly in his faith and was so willing to die for said faith that he preached before the Sanhedrin itself and for his efforts, was stoned. Yet as he was stoned he prayed to the Lord to forgive the Sanhedrin.

Sorry to be so long-winded but Bruce Barnes is a coward, more concerned with filling pews, than with true witness for God. He is the anti-Stephen.

Anyway, Bruce pulls out the TV and they and the rest of the congregation watch a videotape of Carpathia. Once again, Bruce keeps pussy-footing around the issue, going, essentially, "Now I'm not saying Carpathia is the antichrist, but if I was..."

"I am on a crusade to see the peoples of the world come together. I do not seek a position of power or authority. I simply ask to be heard. I hope my message comes through in the article as well."

Now I'm assuming though Ellanjay want to use this series to convert the young unconverted, these books, like the adult books, will end up primarily in the hands of children in RTC households. Therefore, these books are primarily reinforcing the catcechism they're already learning and chief among these is "He's bringing peace and love. Don't let him get away."

Again, Ellanjay have a faulty understanding of human nature. Right now, the world is reeling from the loss of their children. They are right in assuming that this would be the perfect time for some dictator to take over, but they make the wrong assumptions about this dictator. This dictator would come to power with promises to find and bring back the children and initially the world, which is frightened and not thinking clearly, will agree to whatever they want. The dictator would probably pick some ethnic group to pick on, maybe the muslims because that's in right now, or maybe they'd go for that old-fashioned standby: the Jews. In fact, picking on the Jews would make sense; after all, they had been spared by the nuke attack. It wouldn't be that hard to start scape-goating them and accusing them of a new blood libel involving all the children in the world.

Or the dictator in question might choose to avoid human scapegoats and blame the aliens. Use the old "there's an outside threat but if you trust in me, I'll keep you safe" bit. Either way, my message is, in short, Carpathia makes no sense. People wouldn't want to hold hands and sing kumbayah after such a tragedy; they demand action and answers.

Carpathia responded, "I would say that is the perfect way to attack a pacifist, one who is committed to disarmament not only in Romania and the rest of Europe but also globally."
"In other words," Bruce interjected quickly. "he doesn't believe in war and weaponry."

And you know who else didn't believe in war and weaponry? Hitler...oh wait...Again, no one points out that Carpathia is hardly a pacifist because Ellanjay thinks that all pacifists are wolves in sheep's clothing. The trouble is that Ellanjay overlooks the wolves in wolves' clothing that are responsible for most conflicts, not the sheep. As Fred puts it, Ellanjay must be terrified whenever they're in Amish country.

The rest of the chapter is more the same with nonsense about the ten rulers and mention of the Trip-and-Die guys. Since again, I just wrote another War and Peace of posts, I'll sign out now and let my readers, the few, the proud, begin a discussion.

Why Josey and Tom Fogarty are better Christians than the Protagonists of this series.

Warning! Long Post ahead! If you don't like long posts on the nature of God and why Ellanjay's doesn't measure up, go play with a piece of tinfoil or something. Sorry for writing the War and Peace of snarks, but there were things that needed to be said.

Thing is I really like Josey Fogarty and to a certain extent, her husband Tom. Josey is so far demonstrating a more Christian attitude than the so-called RTCs in this book and her husband, Tom, while he's a terrible cop for reasons I've already discussed, again he's a better human being than the rest of the RTCs. That's why I am dreading the inevitable moment Ellanjay is setting them up for, when they get saved. Why? Because in Ellanjay's world getting saved means you give up your conscience. I cite as an example Exhibit A: Ryan Daley who stopped caring about his parents' fate when he said The Prayer.

It shouldn't be this way; becoming a follower of Christ should make you a more caring human being, not less, but once you become an RTC, you stop seeing human beings as human beings and start seeing them as people for whom you can sell product to.

Josey is desperately seeking something greater than herself. Even she admits that the New Age stuff she'd been following doesn't bring her any comfort nor does it explain what had happened to all the children.

Vicki asks why she didn't go to church and Josey gives this response.

"I believed what everyone was saying. People said the church was full of hypocrites, that institutionalized religion caused more problems than it solved, that God was in all of us and that we could find him for ourselves. It just seemed to me that the closer I got to finding the god within me, the farther I felt from a real God, if there was one. Then someone invited me to a Bible study. THat wasn't scary. It didn't sound like church. It was just a place to read about the Bible and talk about it."

It's not hard to read this passage and feel your heart ache for Josey. Josey is seeking something bigger than herself but unfortunately the god Ellanjay's self-inserts are going to sell her is a small-minded petty tyrant who hates all the people Ellanjay hates.

Not to mention, Josey makes good points in this passage. It's hard to defend organized religion when just by looking down the pew, you know that for all his high-minded promises to God, Mr. Johnson won't stop drinking, and while Mrs. Ellison will spend good money on herself, she won't give a dime to help the poor, and that for all its virtues, the family of God comes across as the most hypocritical, petty, small-minded family of all. It's not tough to find reasons to quit associating with fellow Christians, but as the old saying goes "The Church is a waystation for sinners, not a country club for saints." The hypocrites and all the other bad people only prove how desperately we need God. To quote G.K. Chesterton, "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried."

Judging by the last part of the quoted passage, it appears Josey did meet a true Christian. This soul, who remains anonymous thanks to Ellanjay, appears to understand the true meaning of Christian hospitality. True Christian hospitality entails extending a welcome but leaving it up to the other person to accept, not trying to cajole or threaten them into heaven. This anonymous soul, who is on my favourite character list and who deserves a name, also isn't threatened by intellectual inquiry into the Bible. Ellanjay and his ilk are desperately frightened by this. They think if one finds out that Isaiah is likely the work of three different authors or that the Psalms weren't written by David that the whole edifice of Christianity will collapse. This anonymous soul on the other hand knows that authorship doesn't matter, that these works have endured because they speak to the truth of human experience on earth and that as long as they do this, they will outlast whatever scholarship can be dug up on them. Did I mention I really like the soul who invited Josey Fogarty to a Bible study?

But her husband Tom is worried about her, which is understandable. He is worried that she is making a decision out of fear and that she'll agree to any promises if it means she'll see her children again. This is a justifiable fear because that's what Ellanjay sell: fear-based Christianity otherwise known as "Do what I say or the children get it."

Again, Tom maybe a terrible cop, but he is a better human being than the rest of the Junior Tribulation Force. With his worries about his wife, he shows that he cares about another human being beyond their potential sales value, and he demonstrates more interest in the missing children than Trib Force Junior does.

"I don't know what to think, Ryan. One of my partners, Eddie Edwards, I think he's really intrigued by all this. He thinks he has it figured out because so many people who talked about the Rapture were among those who disappeared. But there were a lot of people missing who never talked about it. What about them?"

Ellanjay keeps forgetting that the majority of the missing are children who aren't likely to know of the Scoville-Darby works unless they grew up in RTC households and considering that when compared with the world's population at large, there will be a lot more "Pagan" or "Satanic" children disappeared than Christian, it's safe to assume that most of the missing never talked about it. Not to mention all the raptured fetuses and babies who couldn't talk about it.

Meanwhile, Bruce and Lionel have a discussion about Talia and wonder whether her conversion was genuine or not, and I roll my eyes all the way into the back of my head as they continue to insist that conversions shouldn't be motivated by fear when in Ellanjay's universe, that's the only thing that motivates conversion: fear. The only difference between God and Satan in these books is that one is bloodier and more violent and therefore wins.

Anyway, two of Fogarty's colleagues were shot and Judd decides to go with Tom to visit them at the hospital. While on the way, Judd tries to chalk another on his fuselage.

Anyway, so Tom demonstrates again that even though he is unsaved, he has better knowledge of God than Judd.

"Fair enough," Fogarty said. "I'll tell you exactly why. I was raised in a church where I was taught that God was love, but also that if you died with one sin on your soul, you went to Hell. I couldn't make that compute. I quit the church as soon as I was old enough to make my own decisions. I still carried around in my head the belief that there was a God, but that he was a God of love. Not an angry judge, not a crabby parent. Not someone who would create a person and burn him up later."

And the world cheers for Fogarty to resist the legalistic, small-minded RTCs. Fogarty may not know all the ins and outs of God, no one can, but he already believes that God is bigger than he is; that is an accomplishment that Ellanjay can't brag about. As Fred has said before, Ellanjay is the anti-Huck, more concerned with one's own salvation than with the real sufferings of other people. Right now, Fogarty is playing the role of Huck, saying that if God is going to send his fellow man to hell, he'll go to hell too. Too bad, my conversion sense is tingling and I have a feeling he and Josey will become robotic RTCs, blissfully unconcerned with other people's suffering.

Judd wanted to argue. Bruce had taught the kids that hell was a judgment for sin and that had to do with justice. But God didn't want anyone to die and go to hell. He had given the world so many chances to be saved that there was no reason anybody had to go to hell.

Oh really? Well what about tribes deep in the Amazon jungle who haven't heard of Christ? What about all the Indians in the New World before the white man came over? What about the profoundly retarded who lack the means to make such a decision? I'd like to hear Judd's opinion on these people.

But Tom is not easily convinced of this God of love stuff Judd is selling and why should he be? He's been a cop for a long time and anyone who knows anything about cops knows that they see the very worst of humanity. As he puts it:

"I quit thinking of God as someone who made sense. In fact, I don't know if I believe there is a God at all anymore. How could there be a God, in charge of everything, who would allow the things I've seen? People bludgeoned and mutilated, usually by someone they love and trust. I've seen parents murder their own children, children murder their own parents. I've seen people go through things that no one should ever have to endure. Where is the God in that?"

Tom Fogarty has some real questions that deserve answers, not more verses parroted by Judd, and the answer to his questions, I'm afraid, is I don't know. No human can fully understand the workings of another person's heart, but I cling to the Martin Luther King Jr. quote that goes "The arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice." I cling to the belief that though evil is oft so strong, it will in the end be defeated, not by bloody violence, but by love.

Judd doesn't have any answers which isn't surprising. Nothing in his rich-boy upbringing prepares him to answer for the kinds of things Fogarty has encountered. His response is essentially murder makes God sad but God has temporarily given control of the world to Satan so for now things are only going to get worse. I'll let you all point out all the things wrong with that in the comments. This review is getting long enough as is.

"I'm glad for you that you have something you believe in," Fogarty said. "If it works for you, fine. If it works for Josey, I'll be thrilled. Nobody that wonderful should have to go through what she's going through. It's been a long time since I've seen her come to life the way she did around you kids today. She rarely smiles anymore, but the way you saw her today, that's the way she used to be all the time. But parents aren't supposed to outlive their kids. It's too much to ask of a mother to have her children disappear. And it's happened all over the world. And you want to tell me the loving God of the universe did this on purpose? For what?"

Never have I cheered so loudly for a fictional character. Again Tom is demonstrating more of a knowledge of the character of God than Ellanjay could ever hope to obtain. With his line about "parents not supposed to outlive their kids" he shows he knows what Ellanjay refuse to admit: that Zod slaughtered all the kids. Again, gone is gone. It doesn't matter if they were wisked away like Ellijah or killed in a car accident; the feeling remains the same.

Judd gives the most bone-headed response to this.

"To convince you once and for all," Judd said.
"Convince me of what?"
"That he's real. THat he was willing to give up his Son and that he will give you chance after chance to believe that he is who he says he is. He said he would rapture his church, and he did. He's oging to come back again in seven years or so, and that will be the last chance of all for anyone who will still be alive."

Of course, the response everyone is thinking of right now is what about Ryan's parents? He didn't give them chance after chance; he killed them before they could even have a chance.

Judd then tries to sell his bill of goods with the bonus fact that God is going to kill three-fourths of the world's remaining population and Tom gives the response we're all thinking:

"This is your loving God doing this? Wiping out three-fourths of the world after already taking away all the believers? I don't get it."

And with that, I'll leave you until next week. I bet you can see why I like the Fogartys, Tom and Josey, so much: they're among the only humans we've encountered thus far. Once again, I extend the offer that if any of y'all once to write fanfiction for this series, go ahead. Email it to me and I'll post it on this blog. I am particularly keen on fics about Ryan's parents, especially if you have the common courtesy to give them names, and more stuff about the Fogartys.

Second Chances

Sorry to post so late--I'm sure all two of my readers were biting their nails in anticipation. I'm kidding; I love you all, the few, the proud, the devoted.

Anyway this book is a cocktease just like the adult books. It promises wrong-headed preaching yet when it comes time to deliver, it wusses out. This is what we get instead of preaching.

Judd told Sergeant Fogarty and the two detectives his whole story, from being raised in the church, to rebelling, to running away, to the Rapture, to getting home, connecting with Bruce Barnes, meeting the other kids, praying to receive Christ, and moving in together.

On one hand, I'm a little grateful Ellanjay has put down their usual sledgehammer style of preaching; on the other hand, I'm tempted to pull out a sledgehammer of my own and pound into their heads the basic commandment of all writers: Show, don't tell.

Anyway, Bruce and Lionel go to visit Talia in jail and we get more discussion about whether or not the Rapture is it or not. Bruce obviously leans towards second chances which would be noble if it weren't for the fact it raises even more questions, such as what about people like Ryan's parents who never got the opportunity to take advantage of their second chance? But I have a feeling, Ryan's parents, now that they are condemned, will never be heard from or mentioned again in this forty-book series.

Anyway, later we meet Josey, Sergeant Fogarty's wife, who is currently on my favourite characters' list along with the cabbie. Why? Because Josey is acting like someone who's had her whole world shaken upside down and is on a quest for answers, as opposed to our close-minded protagonists who swallow whatever Bruce tells them. She is described as being into new age stuff--channeling, crystals, etc.--but the book makes it clear that she is at a lost to describe what has happened, which is how a person should be when faced with something of this magnitude: lost, frightened, and curious. She is someone who deserves to be in a much better book.

A Four-for-One Adventure Pack

Sorry to do so many chapters at once, but nothing really happens in these books. :whimpers:

The misadventures of the Hardly Boys and Nancy Clueless continues in the next four chapters as the quartet works with Det. Tom Fogarty to set up a sting to ensnare LeRoy. Again, never have I so longed for Bruce Barnes and his incredibly wrong-headed theology.

Also, Fogarty has to be the worst cop ever, if he needs a bunch of kids to help him set up a sting. I haven't seen police work this shoddy since Sergeant Johnson relied on a group of thirteen-year-old girls to catch criminals for him. Not to mention, again why is busy playing cop with a bunch of teenagers when ever kid in the state has disappeared?

So anyway, Judd is spying on LeRoy who is, stupidly enough, hanging around Lionel's house. I'm not sure who's dumber, Judd for playing secret agent man on some guy who's shown he's not afraid to kill anyone who gets in his way, or LeRoy for continuing to hang around the house that belongs to the nephew of the guy he killed. I might put up a poll on this: Who's dumber? Fogarty or Judd or LeRoy

Ryan briefly reflects on his parents and apparently being converted results in your conscience being sucked out of its socket because he has no problem with the fact that his parents are in Hell.

He put out of his mind the fact that his parents had not been Christians and that unless something very strange and very quick had happened before they died, it was likely they weren't in heaven now.

[long passage of me screaming obscenities about the sheer wrong of this passage.]

Basically what happens next is LeRoy and his partners in crime are arrested and the cops and the kids hang out and talk about the disappearances and one of them seems to make the connection that only RTCs disapppeared.
But anyway, Fogarty asks this question which sets us up for some wrong-headed theology next chapter.

"You brought this up, kid. What's your take on the vanishings? What do you make of it?"

A Three-for-One Adventure

Our bad gangster novel continues in the next two chapters where much yet nothing happens really. It is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It's hard to snark because it lacks the grotesquely bad theology and feels completely out of place in the book much like Buck's spy adventure in England.

Basically Judd, Vicki,and Ryan are waiting for Lionel and Ryan is the only one who justifiably afraid for which the others lambast him. Poor Ryan, forever playing the role of Butt Monkey. He and Hattie Durham really need to start a support group. Call it "Characters against Ellanjay Abuse."

It turns out the apartment complex where Andre lives is on fire so there's an action sequence where Judd and Lionel decide to go in and get Andre out. It actually makes a little sense for this Big Damn Heroes moment to happen because the fire department and every other department would be too busy dealing with the disappearance of every child on earth, but the problem I have with it is that they don't even bother to ask about the other people in the building; they only care about Uncle Andre. Everyone else is untermenschen to borrow Fred's word.

Lionel has a conversation with his dying uncle and it's not actually too bad. It's a little melodramatic but sometimes melodramatic is perfect for the situation at hand.

"No! No!" Lionel screamed. "God, don't let him die! Andre!"
Judd covered with his hand the deep wound in Andre's neck as the man tried to talk. "This is what hell will be like," he rasped. "I deserve it, Lionel."
"No! We all deserve it, Andre! But you don't have to go! Don't go!"
"It's too late."
"It wasn't too late for the thief on the cross! Please, Andre!"

Again, this conversation is dripping with melodrama, but it's not too bad though as always are sympathies are with Andre rather than Lionel.

But when Lionel and Judd get out of the building, Judd's car is gone and with it, Ryan and Vicki.

Ryan and Vicki, it turns out, didn't escape to a better story but high-tailed at as soon as they saw LeRoy, aka the guy Andre was in trouble with, coming.

But Lionel is not in a good mood and who could blame him after what he's witnessed. But Vicki, desperately looking for asshole points, tries to comfort him in the worst possible way.

"Because we love you," she said. "That's why. We need you in this family. I feel awful for you and sorry for your uncle, but from what you tell me, he knew the truth and had every chance to accept Christ."

See this is why you don't convert to RTC religion: because there's nothing at all about the love of Christ in this conversation. In fact, RTC religion as many have said, is akin to spell-casting. Without saying the magic words, God's hands are tied and you're going to hell, but if you do say the magical words, you can run circumvent God.

Judd offers these words of comfort.

"You didn't mess up, Lionel. I hate to say it, but Andre messed up. There was nothing more you could do. You explained. You pleaded with him. Plus, he knew all this from the beginning. He was raised the same way you were."

All the on-screen damned apparently had heard of Christ somewhere along the way, but Ellanjay neglects to deal with the off-screen damned. What about some lost tribe in the South American jungle who have never seen a white man, let alone heard of Christ? What about them, Ellanjay?


But anyway, that's it for this week. Hopefully soon we'll be back to wrong-headed preaching and I'll have more to talk about.

Meeting up with Uncle Andre

Glad to see we are in agreement that Ryan's the butt monkey of the series. I like it when people agree with me.

Anyway, these next two chapters are a jarring shift in tone. Basically Lionel goes out in search of his uncle and what follows is a gangster-novel that tries to convince is it's in the hood when really it's written by a middle-aged white guy. Jerry Jenkins ain't no Mario Puzo, that's for sure. These chapters feel like they belong in another novel, not one where all the children have disappeared, save for those too tall for the rapture line.

So anyway like I said, Lionel goes to meet up with his uncle's fiancee and they have a few conversations.

Lionel tried to talk to her, mostly to simply change the subject. "So, Talia," he said, "where were you when the disappearances happened?"
"What?" She said, as if demanding to know what in the world he was talking about. "Where was I?"
"Yeah. Simple question. Everybody remebers where they were. I was slepping in my basement with Andre. Where were you?"

This conversation isn't too bad except that Talia should be able to instantly answer where she was when all the world's children disappeared. In fact this parody of a gangster film shouldn't be happening; both Lionel and Talia should be hold up in their houses, hoping and praying that the rioters leave them alone as they count their slowly dwindling supplies of canned food.

Talia starts crying and Lionel, being the compassionate guy that he is, takes this opportunity to chalk up another on his fuselage.

"It's not too late, Talia," Lionel said. "I'm a believer now, and so are three of my friends and lots of other people--"
"No! No! It's too late. When Jesus took the Christians away, the Holy Ghost left and nobody can be saved anymore!"

I take Ellanjay is using this opportunity to attack a popular end times belief. Fred can probably dissect it better than I but for a while, the belief was the Rapture was it. No more chances, no more nothing. Those left behind were damned and there was nothing they could do about it.

Okay, so we finally meet Uncle Andre and I kind of like him even though the book says I shouldn't. Why? Because Uncle Andre is acting like a man who has lost everything that ever mattered unlike his smarmy asshole of a nephew. Here's his description:

Andre was barefoot and wore a pair of old, shiny suit pants and a sleeveless T-shirt with food stains down the front. He appeared not to have bathed for days. His hair was matted, his facial hair patchy. His breath smelled of alcohol, and his dark eyes were bloodshot.

This is how people respond to a crisis of the magnitude spoken of in the book: they fall to pieces.

Of course Lionel is too busy looking down on his uncle for drinking and smoking to offer him any comfort and we get some evidence that Lionel's mother, Lucinda, was like Irene Steele: a preachy harridan that was generally no fun to be around.

There had never been cigarettes or booze in Lionel's house. When guests asked his mother if she minded if they smoked, she always said kindly, "Of course not. I have an air-conditioned facility for you just beyond that door." It was the door to the driveway.

Apparently a RTC woman doesn't just say "I'd prefer it if you don't smoke in my house." An RTC woman goes the passive-aggressive route. Between this and Irene Steele's fanatical insistence upon Raymie not knowing his father drank, no wonder Beverly LaHaye responded by moving a thousand miles away from her husband; any less would tarnish her purity.

Anyway not much happens in the second chapter except a continuing parody of a gangster novel. Strangely enough, I find myself wishing for more preaching. At least it would give me something to talk about since it's so wrong-headed.

O_O

I think I'm starting to develop Stockholm Syndrome thanks to these books.